My hubby's ex is always around..

[kailua]

I just don't know what to do....
My hubby's ex-wife is quite the ex...she is demanding, she is always late picking up and dropping off the kids, up to 2 hours. Her communication skills, with having so many people involved in our kids lives, is lacking. She plans things for the kids to do, even if it is our time with them, and then she expects us to follow through and do the dropping off and picking up, and the thing is not only are his kids a part of our family but so are mine, so there are a lot of schedules that we need to work with, not just hers. She has been late once which happened to cause issues for me. My family does not like her, my friends do not like her, only one of his friends likes her, our friends do not like her...she expects everyone to jump for her.....
She is still a very huge part of my hubby's family, to the point that she was invited and came to a birthday party for my hubby (my MIL invited her), she is invited to all of our Christmas dinners, which she comes to...and leaves her bf out of it all....and then she ruins dinner by deciding that she doesn't feel well, which means that my oldest stepdaughter wouldn't be there...she held up Christmas for ALL of us!!!
My MIL still considers her family and they do things together that I do not even do with her...
I play the nice wife..but really this is insane.
I have friends who believe that if my hubby and I don't make it, it will be due to his ex...
I have other friends who think she should just step back and be the Mom and his kids only
I have others who wonder why she doesn't go back home (she is not from here)
Personally, I have nothing to do with my ex or his family, that is now his new wife's family not mine...they will always be my kids family but I divorced them when I divorced my ex...as much as that seems harsh, as much as it did hurt...but I know how it feels to have the ex so involved....and I would not want to do that to my ex's new wife....
What can I do.....

[OhThereYouAre]

Well i'm glad you're venting here, because, unfortunately, that's about all you can do.

You can't change the past, and you can't change the way that her former family feels about her. You'll end up making yourself look crazy if you tried.

You're gonna have to live with it. Family is family. The only thing you can change about this situation is your attitude. Laugh it off. Life is too short to hold grudges against people who are of no consequence to you.

That being said, and with the upcoming holidays, good luck to you.

[Miya]

OTYA is right in that unfortunately there's not a whole lot you can do to change the situation. If she has an issue with timing and her and your hubby's kids then it's really something the two of them have to work out. He's their father after all and even though you're a family, his kids are his and hers and your kids are yours and their father's.

I don't know if talking to her and explaining what effect this is having would help. I doubt talking to his family would do much but you could try. It's really not fair for you but it's seemingly the situation you married in to.

Just try to make the best of what you have that's good, tell your hubby how much it's bothering you instead of just your gf's. Hope for the best.

[Ahryin]

Ok...I disagree! Boy do I ever disagree! My oldest daughters father is married and he sees here every other weekend. I do NOT plan anything for their weekends, that is there time and not mine. If something falls on the weekends he has her I ask him and her to decide what it is they want to do. For instance, this weekend she has a tea party she wants to go to, and they have a housewarming they want her to go to. She chose the teaparty so what does mommy do (me that is) I will pick her up from his house, bring her to the teaparty and drop her back off when it is over.
When they want to do things with her they call and ask me. When him and I parted ways at first I was still very much a part of his family when he married I seperated myself. I'm still respectful and friendly to them my feelings haven't changed for his family but it is not my place.
I can tell you she has alternate plans and as long as your husband allows it and you allow it , she is going to do everything in her power to keep her power. thats what women do when they harbor emotions. Point blank she is not over your hubby! Its not right for the kids to be in the middle of it. Truthfully if she planned something for them and they are with you I would tell her to freaking BAD! You have a life and things to do! You need to sit down and have a serious discussion with your husband who also needs to talk to his mother. What his mother does is her business but she doesn't have to include you and her son in her business.
I would also sit with your husband and this woman and let your husband set the ground rules. It doesnt' sound like there are any, and she needs to abide by them!

[happy ending]

i agree with ahryn she is messing with your heads - just because she can, you need to work with hubby on this one, she has run things for two long. also sounds like your MIL needs a quiet word. good luck.

[kailua]

Thanks, I have to say that I have been playing the nice stepmom role, working around things. She happens to know how to get her way, how to make my hubby feel bad, that he is not doing enough and how to if I dare say it "maniplate" to get her way. Recently he told her that he could not do it all, that she was going to have to work it out. That when we have them, we take care of things, but when she has them, she has to. I have started to say no to her (which affects the kids) but in reality when she is just being lazy and sleeping and doesn't want to do, but wants us to do it....so I was told by my hubby that I have to say no, take no excuses.
The problem I am having is that like Ahryn, once my ex and I started to re-living our lives with others, we seperated from each others families, out of respect. As, when I have our kids, I am responsible and vice versa. And I do not plan anything on his weekends, and if their is something happening such as a birthday party, it is up to my kids to discuss this with their dad...it is called respect.
As for my MIL, I agree, if she wishes to still be apart of his ex's life, that is fine, just don't include her sons new family. (I have been told that she feels sorry for his ex, because she is not from here, and has no family members here but she has more family here than I think we do!!!) I wonder how my hubby would feel if I invited my ex over for Christmas dinner.
I do not feel that his ex is being respectful of us, and I do feel I should not have to tell her this, she should know. Especially when she is in her own relationship. The other thing is, that she asked if she could come and see her kids for a couple of hours as she decided to go to a Thanksgiving dinner that kids were not permitted...after she had been on vacation for a week. She does not include her partner in any family dinners etc...which is also disrespectful...
My hubby is wishing she gets married soon, so that he no longer has to deal with her.
Hence, the reason why I do not allow my previous marriage to interfer with my new family, it is too hard, disrespectful.....

[happy ending]

well sorry but if they have children together, he will have to deal with her, married or not. he will just have to set boundaries, could he have a chat with his mother, regarding this issue - or would he be too uncomfortable with that?

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I agree with Happy... Where are the boundries?

Why is it that the MIL can invite her to "your husband's" birthday party?

You husband needs to understand how this is all affecting you.

CW