Non-existant Father

[Jessie62687]

Hello,

I am new to all this and I searched for a forum to see if I can get help dealing with my situation. I appreciate any time and advice y'all might give me.

I am a 22 year old lady living in Texas. I have had a decent life, although I struggle with alot of emotional issues.

I am pretty sure my emotional issues come from the lack of my biological father's presence. My mother married my step father whenever I was 5 months old. From when I was a baby until December of last year, I didn't talk or know the whereabouts of my biological father, or any of his family. Mind you.. thats 21 years. I started searching all over the internet looking for information to get to know any of my family. My main reason for this is I knew I had a little half brother and I wanted to get to know about him. After about 6 hours of searching online, I found my grandmother's obituary and I emailed the people who had signed the guestbook. One of the people I emailed worked with my aunt -- my bio father's sister. That is how I got back in contact with my father and his family.

So, its been almost a year now, and although I tried to guard my heart, I have again repeatedly been hurt by my father. I am slowly but surely coming to the conclusion that he isn't a dad, hes a sperm donor. My real father is my step father and although my stepdad was there my entire life, he didn't do much besides support us. He is mentally abusive to my mom and has a destructive lifestyle. I feel so bad for my mom.

Anyways, I met my real father twice. Once he drove to my town, stayed for like 30 minutes and left. The other time was him, me, and my fiance' went out to dinner. My father couldn't even pay for my meal. He can't even call me once a week. You would think any good parent that got back in contact with his long lost daughter and son would try to make it right. I was sadly mistaken.

I think the worst part to this whole ordeal is that my biological father knew where I lived this whole time. We have lived in the same area since 1990. He lived less than 15 minutes away for about 6 years, yet never tried to contact me. He made excuses, saying he was scared of my step dad, etc. What it comes down to is that he owes my family alot of child support. I could make his life really hard if my mother and I pursued that -- I could get his electrician's license taken away from him. But what would that prove?

Of course -- this whole mess wasn't completely bad. I got back in contact with my awesome aunt and my grandfather. I never got to meet my grandmother. They live in Arkansas. Here in November my brother and I are going up there to meet them. I am so excited, yet very nervous.

And I have yet to meet my little brother, Dillon. His mother "doesn't feel comfortable" with me talking to him. I know he is 14 and lives in California. I guess I have waited 14 years, I can wait another 4 until he is 18 and can make his own decisions. I mean.. what harm might I cause?!

Watching certain movies and such just tears me up because I see the awesome fatherly figures some people have and I am sooo envious. I am very untrustworthy when it comes to male figures. I just got recently engaged to an amazing man.. but am struggling with the fact that I don't think I deserve him, my own father couldn't stick around. I know I am a good person, and deserve good things, but sometimes its hard to remind myself of that.

Thank you for reading my story, and any advice is very appreciative. I just want to heal and be at peace with all this. I guess time will tell.

Thanks,
Jessica

[Texinator]

Man, we got a lot of Texans here! And Australians! Well, Australians are Texans with funny accents anyway.

Anywho, jokes aside, the one thing you need to get out of your mind first and foremost is that the behavior of your biological father has anything to do with your value as a person. He's like you said, just a sperm donor, and I'm sure he would have treated any kid of his just the same.

You made an effort on your part and that's all you can do. At least you now get to have some other family members in your life because of those efforts, and I think that is worth something.

[LanaBear]

I'm wondering if we have the same father... Long story.

I'd let it go. You are better off, there's a reason he is the way he is and unless you want to be repeatedly disappointed for the rest of you life, it's best you just forget.

[PJhavinfunagain]

Let it go hun. I have never met and do not even know the name of my bio dad. He was wiped from my public records when he gave up rights and I was adopted by the man my mom married. He is my father, I have no other as far as I am concerned. My parents have been divorced for 20 years and I went thru a lot of over that. My dad and I have had our issues but I know that no matter what I am his daughter even if we do not share the same blood. I only for brief times have considered looking for bio dad. But for me I just do not care. He never cared about me so I don't care.

[Jessie62687]

Thanks to you all.

[heatherkazek]

I have a 15 year old daughter who has not seen her father in 5 of those years. He lives 10 minutes from us, knows where we live but to no avail does he even write. We were married before she was born and decided after he cheated to seperate. I knew that he would turn out to be a jerk when it came to being a father but I wanted a baby so badly that we had one. She was a beautiful baby...no marks on her at all and she was a happy baby. She never really understood what happened between her father and I until a few years ago when I told her the truth about his affair.

She blamed herself the whole time, she always and even now sometimes still blames herself. Even after years of trying to get her to understand that it was nothing she did, there are times she just cries and when those times come I cry with her. It is very hard for a parent to raise a child when the other parent chooses to be absent. No one knows the pain that child bares unless they have been through it themselves. I cry with her not because I know how she feels, I cry with her because of the pain she is in from him.

I started dating a man ten years ago when my daughter was 5 and we are now married. Now the relationship between the two of them is an up and down one. He works his carcass off for our family, hardly is home and when he is here he is usually doing something outside that needs to be done. Part of the problem with their relationship is I made the fatal mistake of not letting him be a dad to her. I mean when it came to the dissaplining I made it a point that he did not do it, that I did. We did things as a family but when it came right down to letting him have his dad rights I could not do it and even now I have a hard time. What you need to understand is that I raised her for five years alone with noones help, I couldnt let him take over...call it pride or just stupidness I dont know but I have taken the last two years and looked at it, I have decided that things need to change because eventually the kids will grow up and we will be alone again....Granted he loves my daughter but I think it is very hard for him to show it because she for so long carried the attitude "you're not my dad" so now he doesn't know how she will respond when asked something.

She thinks he just doesn't care and so has stopped caring herself....they drive me nuts.

Anyhow doll, It is a very hard call....my daughter tried calling her real father two months ago and was shot down stone dead on that phone. When she hung up, she just looked at me and her grandmother, told us what he said and then was quiet. I knew inside she was crying and dying at the same time so I did the only thing I could do....I held her.

There comes a point in time when you realize that life does go on, you will endure much deeper hurts than that person could ever cause you..the decisions you have to make are how are you going to deal with it or are you going to bother at all....

Best luck to you, god speed and good luck!!!!