marriage

[nubianqueen]

I had this discussion with an old friend not too long ago and wanted you guy's opinion on the situation: What do u do if the guy u have been dating for a while suddenly says he has intentions of marrying you, but deep down inside u know it's for all the wrong reasons (i.e: seeing everyone else do it, or b/c he knows u want it so bad, but...he's probably perfectly fine with just dating for 10+ years, and ur not)...you KNOW he is not ready himself???

[caterpillar79]

How you specifically define "wrong intentions" would greatly affect you take on this. Sometimes "wrong intentions" for you might not be defined as "wrong" for me...men have their different reasons as well...but, for me, if a guy tells me that he has intentions of marrying me, I see it as a positive sign - I am not just a girl he wants to date, but one he intends of marrying!

What happens between now and then though would define his true intentions - if he is true of what he says is....I say, don't conclude yet - let time test his motives.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Fear.

Fear of losing you or her.

Yet, has seen so many disasters, that it scares the carp out of him.

A man who "knows" he wants to marry will take the risks that are associated with it, let's face it with so many Divorces, it can scare them seeing as mostly men lose.

In my case, I lost, he got it all and then some, because I was the breadwinner but that's not the norm.

It's scary these days for men.

If she/you feels that it's an issue of how today is, do a pre-nup and advise him of that, lessen the fear.

I have no doubt that every man really wants to say "hi wife", it's just very scary to go down that path these days, as it is now for me to do the same ever again, or live with someone.... Someone always loses.

CW

[nubianqueen]

Okay, here's another question then: what if his heart is in the right place, but u don't really care too much for their family cuz you can't help but wonder what type of influence would they have on your kids one day. What does one do then??

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Your testing my brain hey nubianqueen

Well, it's like an interview for a job. You want to get everything right and the main thing that your concerned about is to be rewarded for your hard work, enjoy and be able to work through any problems. So your "employee" has to be able to communicate and respect and understand and have values.

If so? Then you can use those tools to ensure that a happy medium is met. Let's face it, different up-bringings, different personalities, all take effect but with the above, you can get through anything.

So you have to ask yourself and establish from him, in-directly, and openly his thoughts and beliefs to ascertain that answer.

One thing you can't do is separate ....

CW

[geedee]

Well if you marry him you marry the family! That is of course if he is close to them Trust me..... I know it sounds cold but if you can't stand the fam now........ you're really gonna hate them after you're married into their family and have kids! Sorry I speak from experience (((HUGS))) I always say my perfect man is an orphan!

[caterpillar79]

Well if you marry him you marry the family! That is of course if he is close to them Trust me..... I know it sounds cold but if you can't stand the fam now........ you're really gonna hate them after you're married into their family and have kids! Sorry I speak from experience (((HUGS))) I always say my perfect man is an orphan!

I second the motion! You can't compartmentalize this aspect - yet, it still depends on his family dynamics and yours as well. Like CW said, it is like a job interview - he's under probation right now, isn't he?

I reckon you to make a list of all your non-negotiables and what not, and then lay it all on the table. Let him know. He cannot read your mind, and so can't you on his. Communication is the key (hard to start though...).

[nubianqueen]

yeah, my friend and i agreed that once u get married, u marry the person's family too. how does one start up a convo about that though without hurting the other person's feelings?? but then my point of view in the conversation was that it's best to talk about all that now rather than stay hush mouthed about the whole thing and be mad about it later. if the family thing is gonna be an issue, do u just break up with the person ur with because of it???

[sperosi]

do u just break up with the person ur with because of it???

if that were the case, then no one would ever get married. there is almost always some issue. you do need to discuss it if things get serious and marriage is in the future. but tread gently, they may have the same thoughts about you, and if pushed into a corner, some guys pick family.

[caterpillar79]

You primarily marry the man, the family is "on the side". Has he really proposed to you? If he said he has intentions, then he has plans, but is gauging it. Whether you and he can really get along well.

I would focus more on him for now, and set aside the family issue, but that's me. Why? Because I believe that once he and I am able to build the trust, openness and rapport, any issue that beset us will not be very complicated to handle -because the communication lines ARE open. I wouldn't worry about when, how, and what to say. I would just start by saying, "Honey, I FEEL that ...." Men are the head in the relationship, and women are the heart...I always start telling my SO about how I feel everytime I open up about delicate matters. I feel more comfortable that way. In this manner, I don't come across as "attacking" him, but just airing out my laundry.