Step Mom

[Joy]

HI all... its been along time. I've been busy my bf's daughter moved in with us. Its been a big change some for better some for worse. The better is she is a great kid and very smart and beautiful. I see so much beauty in her and hope I can help find positive outlets for her to express her life and her gifts and talents.

See her mother sent her here at a time when she is going out of control. You verterans mom's know what i'm talking about... The worst is My BF is being to easy cause he doesn't want her mad... I tell him a 15 year old girl at this stage the further you let it go the bigger the rebel is gonna be. See he lets things build up and build up and one day he will get to a breaking point and be too harsh and a big explosion is on the horizon.

See the problem is he wants me to be the heavy... NO NO NO I will not play that role. That is his responsiblity. I love her and I don't want to see her spin so far out of control and be super self destructive. That is the type of behavior she saw from her mother growing up.

She has been with us under a month and her and i have had lots of great chats about her ... she needs guidance not for me to be the rotten step mom.

She is out tonight and I am worried that she wasn't telling her dad the truth . I did lots of dumb things at 15... I just want to know she is safe.

[WildChild]

This is tough when you didn't raise them. When you in come late in the game, when there have been poor examples, inconsistant limits and turmoil in their lives they can be difficult to handle.

You are right, you aren't her mother. While you can set limits and let her know your expectations and household rules, it is up to her father to be the parent and to do the disciplining. This has to be done immediately as things come up and not be allowed to build up to a blow up. Since she has had some trauma and spent years dealing with a troubled mother you might find quite a bit of value in the book, Reviving Ophelia. It deals specifically with teen aged girls and those with this type of background actually have some very interesting possibities.

Catching them in a lie and embarassing the heck out of them (rather than punishing) can be really effective. My daughter tried it once, not a biggie but she told me there would be a parent at a freind's house and there wasn't. I showed up and took her home. She was mortified to have her mother walking in and saying you're coming home because you didn't tell me the truth. She's never done it again. Talk to her dad about this, making your expectations and rules clear and nipping things in the bud is really the key.

Rules I recommend:

I have to know where you are and are planning to go, who you will be with, how you are getting there and getting home, what time you are leaving and returning. If you go someplace else - you Must call First.

I must have not only a way to reach you (cell phone) but a way to reach your freind's parents. (learned the hard way with my step daughter that just because you can reach them on their cell doesn't mean you have Any idea of where they are or with whom, and having freind's phone numbers is not the same as having parents numbers - when they are 2 hours late and all you can reach are drunk freinds - it doesn't help)

No sleeping over until I have met the parents and visited. I want to know where they live and get a feel for them, their lifestyle and who is in their household.

I've never grounded or really restricted my kiddos but haven't needed to. When they were younger, I would take whatever was "the" toy at the time, for a day or two. At this age, even it she doesn't seem to listen, explain things. Explain why you have certain requirements or concerns, explain your reasoning, this is part of helping them learn to think things out. Get her to explain her reasoning, teens vary on this, they can be remarkably astute and then completely irrational.

[sperosi]

been in that situation before. no matter how hard you try she won't really listen to you if you try to play the bad guy. unless, of course, she actually sees you as her mom. Your bf is pawning his responsibility off on you and should be ashamed of wanting you to be the heavy. be the person she can come to and discuss intimate and personal issues she feels uncomfortable talking with her father about. you need to sit your bf down and tell him he needs to step up, and that your place is to help him, and to help her by being there as another ear, not as the heavy.

[Joy]

I know you told me about that book before WildChild Thank You ! My BF is doing an amazing job... he is just a bit scared he never had a dad growing up. I don't even think he realized how much she wanted him in her life and how much he needed her. It has been beautiful to watch them bond.

[jnd2009]

good luck with her! the rules wildchild recommended seem perfect, although if someone threw them at me it i'd be nonchalant about them, mostly since you are the step-mom figure. i'd mention little things about them here and there. for example, bring them up on a weekday, maybe during dinner. bring them up by asking about the weekend coming up and if she has plans for with her friends. then slip in the rule- something like oh, that sounds like fun. i'd like to meet your friend's parents. maybe ask questions about them. the more you put 2 and 2 together in casual conversations, maybe the more you can learn about her, her friends, where they live, their parents. simply laying down a don't do this don't do that set of rules may seem intimidating and she may not want to offer the truth.
i've never been in this situation, i'm just trying to let you know how i'd feel in his daughter's shoes, considering I'm only older than her by a few years! I always did find it easier to tell my mom the truth about where i was then having to lie about it- hopefully she'll feel the same.
i guess what i'm saying is also be like a friend too, someone she can talk to, but yet still hold your place as an 'authority figure'. make it clear that you are there for her, but there are still rules she has to follow.
i hope this helped and i didn't ramble on and confuse you!