How to rebuild trust....(the ex may be back)

**Ahryin** · 10-25-2009 09:34 PM

Ok...hi WH! Its been a while since I have spoken about the ex...to make a long story short him and I were together for 15months no arguements we get along like he is my best friend. If you really want to know the whole story check out my threads. Those of you who know me already know the story. I really thought he was the one. Well for those of you who don't know I saw 3 text messages, 3 different girls..he was sleeping with them on a sex only type of thing. Still hurt, and hurt a lot. Needed to take a step back from everything and everyone.

Well he's back in the picture, slowly but surely. Girls love him (my little ones) but I'm still having a problem trusting him and I dont know if I will be able to. If he doesn't pick up his phone my mind wanders, if he gets a phone call while i'm around my mind wanders..... I hate that feeling! I can't shake it, and I hate it. I haven't spoken to him about it as of yet because we are not together. We are just friends but at the same time we do everything like we are back together. He says he wants to let things flow and not put labels on things....but at the same time he talks about the future marriage, kids, goals etc. I don't want to look insecure but isn't that what I am?

I need advice...real advice...don't hold back no matter how good or how bad

oh and let me say the 6 wks him and I spent away from each other I felt like a piece of me was missing. Every breath was hard to take. I have never felt that way. I was confused because I thought everything was good....so if its good how does it go bad. It was like a horrible surprise gift that I didn't want.

**WildChild** · 10-25-2009 10:20 PM

I don't know Sweetie, I understand what you are feeling. Part of me says he blew it and that should be the end. But sometimes it isn't that simple.
What, if anything, has he done or has happened to make you think he has changed?
What do you want? Do you want commitment? Do you want sexual monogamy? What will he have to do to move back into a relationship other than freinds?
It doesn't sound like he is ready to give up the other women. Sounds like he is still attracted to you but wants to eat his cake and have it too.
What do You want?

**ThexMrs** · 10-25-2009 10:36 PM

This is really a case by case scenario. It is different in every situation, to every person. I said that I would never in a million years take back someone who cheated on me. (This was before I was cheated on) The love of my life (and I mean that) cheated on me. I broke up with him and took time to myself. After a month of not speaking, we gradually started talking again and built up our friendship. He was and still is my best friend. Through this period of rebuilding I fell back in love with him and I forgave him for what he did. It wasn't the "I forgive you because I should" but actual forgiveness for his mistake. I was sincere and it no longer bothers me. I think that is real love. However, he made this mistake only one time and he told me the very next day after it happened. I gave him credit for that though I still broke up with him. Him and I are still best friends, talk everyday - twice a day and are very much in love. The only reason we aren't together is because of the distance.

In your case however... He was cheating on you with 3 different women, purely sexual so he says and didn't fess up. You found text messages. He would have continued to do it if you hadn't found out. He's probably still having sex with those women if not more. I don't think that you should take him back. I don't think that he can be trusted, I'm sorry... Especially not in such a short period of time.

And think of your girls... Do you really want him in and out of their lives? No.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 10-26-2009 01:50 AM

Take things slowly, you were also confused and were flirting with your previous ex remember ,whilst with this guy.

Neither of you are sure, if you were, none of this would have occured but obviously there is something strong there so work with it in trust and with trust to each other and make that clear, if you decide equality to try again.

CW

**Ahryin** · 10-26-2009 08:18 AM

Originally Posted by WildChild

I don't know Sweetie, I understand what you are feeling. Part of me says he blew it and that should be the end. But sometimes it isn't that simple.
What, if anything, has he done or has happened to make you think he has changed?
What do you want? Do you want commitment? Do you want sexual monogamy? What will he have to do to move back into a relationship other than freinds?
It doesn't sound like he is ready to give up the other women. Sounds like he is still attracted to you but wants to eat his cake and have it too.
What do You want?

The biggest difference is his attention it has changed. Same amount different type for instance he now admits to loving me and tells me different reasons why. He starts sentences like ...Thats one of the things I love about you, Thats why I love you....
He doesn't hide his phone (though honestly he only did that once) he calls every night before he goes to bed...its just the times he doesn't answer that gets me. Honestly I think its me being paranoid.

He has talked about marriage next year, purchased a house that he seems to be fixing up for us ( the girls and myself) its just all a little confusing to me. I love him...seriously guys I do but i'm so afraid of getting hurt. I have given people chances before. though he doesn't seem like them I can really talk to him. I just don't think I know how to forgive. I'm afraid that I may push him away.

When he first came back after the 6wks he seemed like he really missed me and my absense from his life had made him reach some type of reality

**Ahryin** · 10-26-2009 09:06 AM

Originally Posted by ThexMrs

In your case however... He was cheating on you with 3 different women, purely sexual so he says and didn't fess up. You found text messages. He would have continued to do it if you hadn't found out. He's probably still having sex with those women if not more. I don't think that you should take him back. I don't think that he can be trusted, I'm sorry... Especially not in such a short period of time.

And think of your girls... Do you really want him in and out of their lives? No.

The women wanted more and he said no thats what I read, so I don't know how to take it. I only have proof that he slept with one woman the others didn't state that and I didn't investigate because I read the only thing I needed to know (that I didn't want to know...taht I didn't want to happen).

My brother says its worse if a man has a relationship with a woman than if he just sleeps with her. Though i'm sooooo tired of hearing that!

**Ahryin** · 10-26-2009 09:07 AM

Also Xmrs...I don't bring men around my girls...so it's hard for me right now because I don't want to go thorugh this again. Its new for me...I really felt safe bringing him around them

**WildChild** · 10-26-2009 09:13 AM

Once trust is damaged it takes time and effort to rebuild. You gave it freely before, now he will have to earn it. The two of you need to talk and get clear. If you had a monogamous committed relationship - what went wrong? What will reassure you that it won't happen again?

**Ahryin** · 10-26-2009 09:21 AM

Originally Posted by CHANDLERS WISH

Take things slowly, you were also confused and were flirting with your previous ex remember ,whilst with this guy.

Neither of you are sure, if you were, none of this would have occured but obviously there is something strong there so work with it in trust and with trust to each other and make that clear, if you decide equality to try again.

CW

oh boy do I remember...by the way that ex and I do not speak at all now...I mean at all! He didn't like my choices and I felt it was non of his business I have to live my life. So yes you are right I need to take it slow but I dont know how to trust, or how to regain trust...does that make sense. for instance how do I know when i'm over reacting?

**ThexMrs** · 10-26-2009 05:14 PM

Originally Posted by Ahryin

The women wanted more and he said no thats what I read, so I don't know how to take it. I only have proof that he slept with one woman the others didn't state that and I didn't investigate because I read the only thing I needed to know (that I didn't want to know...taht I didn't want to happen).

My brother says its worse if a man has a relationship with a woman than if he just sleeps with her. Though i'm sooooo tired of hearing that!

I agree with your brother actually... I think that emotional cheating is by far worse. When your boyfriend would rather tell his problems to another woman, rather talk to her about his life, etc. That's plain hurtful not to say that the sex isn't. It definitely is but that's purely what it is. SEX! It's physical and not emotional.

Did he ever say why he was having sex with someone else?
Did you guys not get to have much sex because of daily life struggles?

It truly doesn't matter why he did it. Cheating is wrong is all apects but I am just curious as to what his reasoning may be.

Also Xmrs...I don't bring men around my girls...so it's hard for me right now because I don't want to go thorugh this again. Its new for me...I really felt safe bringing him around them.

I hope that didn't offend you. I wasn't trying to say that you are bringing men around your girls or anything like that. Just that if he's been around it's best if you keep him at a distance while you're unsure so that he doesn't end up being in and out.

Good for you though that you don't. That makes me happy to hear. I have a friend who brings a new man around every couple of months and it drives me insane. Her children (3 of them) are so confused and it really makes me angry.

Once trust is damaged it takes time and effort to rebuild. You gave it freely before, now he will have to earn it. The two of you need to talk and get clear. If you had a monogamous committed relationship - what went wrong?

I completely agree... Once the trust is broken it takes a long time to earn back if ever. It is very hard to go through and I understand what you're going through completely. I really hope that you figure this out.