Issues.

[Chelsmir]

My name is Chelsea. I just turned 18 in September, and I have a 2 and a half year old daughter with my ex-boyfriend, Gavin. I've been having problems with my relationship with Gavin, and it seems like no matter what I do, I don't move forward with anything. I'll try to explain the problem as thoroughly as I can, give or take a few details. I'm asking that someone read it, and give me their prospective of what I should do to make myself happy.

I was with Gavin for a long time. I knew that I had fallen in love with him the first day I ever met him. When I was 15, I got pregnant and we had our child, Samara. We stayed together throughout the whole pregnancy, and from what I thought, we were doing very well, and we were very much in love.

When Samara was a little under a year old I went away to North Carolina for a Summer. During my stay, Gavin cheated on me with a girl, and broke up with me. I was sad, because I thought he loved me more than that, and I trusted him. My heart was broken.

We talked the rest of my stay in North Carolina, and he told me he was sorry, and that he still loved me, but he needed some time to be by himself. He said that we would get back together when he was ready. This made me happy, I had forgiven him; but I would never forget..

When I came back from North Carolina he came to my house to greet me and we had sex. After wards, he told me not to tell anyone.. A few days later, I found out he was talking with this girl, Ashley, and that he liked her. I talked to him about it, and he assured me that he would never date Ashley. I wanted to believe him, but my heart knew otherwise. For the next month Gavin and I were sleeping together. He would not go back out with me.. He was coming over to visit Samara one afternoon, and he told me he was going to bring Ashley. I said no, and I told him that if he did I would tell her we had been having sex. He threatened me and told me that I would lose all chance at being with him again, and that he would never talk to me again. Fearful of that, I didn't tell her, but I had to suffer the whole time he had her in my house. I learned that they started dating later that day. So I told her online that he and I had been sleeping with him. He denied it and then told me that if I didn't tell her I was lying he wouldn't speak to me. So I did.

Gavin stopped doing things with me. He claimed he had 'changed'. I was devastated. I toughed it out for a few weeks, then I saw them together at the fair. I got really jealous. Then Ashley's friend started yelling at me, because I was 'lying' about sleeping with Gavin and it made me really mad, so I told her that I wasn't lying. We all confronted him, and he admitted it. They didn't break up. He didn't talk to me for a couple weeks. Then he started visiting our daughter 2 times a week, bringing me with him. At the time I did not live with her. One night he went to drop me off, and we kissed. He told me that he was sorry, and he didn't know why he felt like that about me. Since then, we started fooling around again. I felt powerful and I liked it.

Time passed and something happened, and my conscious was growing heavier and heavier until I couldn't take it anymore. I told Ashley about he and I. And again, she didn't break up with him. They talked it out and he promised never to do it again. I was sad again, but I was addicted to the feeling of being with him. I felt special. So I told him I was sorry, and that I wanted to go back. And he agreed. We started fooling around again. It got to the point where he would see me more often than he would see her.

Months later, my guilty conscious was back again. And I told on myself. And AGAIN, they did not break up.. This time he stopped talking to me for a while. I started talking to Ashley. I told her about everything, and we figured out that Gavin had cheated on him with someone else. I was angry. For over a year, I was the only other one besides Ashley, and I felt special. Now that there was someone else, the feeling was gone.

I can't get over him though. I love this boy so much. Just the sound of his name makes me heart throb. I think about him constantly.. He only recently started talking to me again. And we fooled around again.. You'd think I would have learned my lesson. But I'm finished telling Ashley about us. She knows he's a cheater, and she puts herself in the position.. I gave her opportunities to leave him. I have to admit.. I don't want her to for her sake, but for mine.

I love Gavin. I'm still fooling around with him, and we talk all the time.. I know it's wrong, but I don't feel like I can stop. He's like my drug, I don't feel right without having him there. What a I supposed to do? This is really unhealthy for me, but I don't know how to stop it, or make it better. Please give me advice.

[moonisis]

I seriously would think, "Do you really always want to be his rebound girl?". And he's sleeping with other people right in front of you. I would protect yourself because if he's sleeping with you, this girl Ashley, who knows who else is in this triangle.

If you haven't already you should be getting child support. If you aren't, you should start there.

You all sound very young and it's clear from his actions he is not ready for any type of commitment. I would stop having sex with him PERIOD. You sound like you're only a fall back for him when he wants sex and this girl Ashley isn't around.

He's probably feeding this girl Ashley the same talk he's feeding you. He keeps breaking your heart over and over telling you he wants to be with you, only to go sleep with someone else.

I would take some time for yourself and your daughter. If he wants to be a father and your girlfriend, he needs to act like one and stop this nonsense. If he doesn't want to do that, make sure you are getting child support and have a visitation schedule and cut him off and move on with your life. There are better men out there that won't sleep around behind your back like that.

[moonisis]

Also if you are lying for him, you are in essence lying to yourself as well. I would not lie for him so that he can keep having sex with this girl. He is trapping you telling you that you can't tell the truth and if you do he'll leave you. You know the truth and that is all that matters. In my opinion, he already left you when he slept with someone else while you were away....

[Chelsmir]

I completely agree.
And I have started to get child support, but he is very young. He's still 17. The child support comes from his parents, so he hasn't had to deal with it yet.

I know that it's wrong to be the other woman, and I'm always worried about him sleeping with other people besides Ashley. Not just because of my feelings, but I'm afraid of STDs or something. He is incredibly stupid, and I don't even know if he's safe or not.

I've been trying to pull myself away from him, but every time I end up back in the same situation. Should I get counseling for it? I keep convincing myself that I can't do any better and that I need him.

[moonisis]

I completely agree.
And I have started to get child support, but he is very young. He's still 17. The child support comes from his parents, so he hasn't had to deal with it yet.

I know that it's wrong to be the other woman, and I'm always worried about him sleeping with other people besides Ashley. Not just because of my feelings, but I'm afraid of STDs or something. He is incredibly stupid, and I don't even know if he's safe or not.

I've been trying to pull myself away from him, but every time I end up back in the same situation. Should I get counseling for it? I keep convincing myself that I can't do any better and that I need him.

I think every one of us has been in the same situation as you. I currently have something like that with my boyfriend. I accepted his behavior in the beginning but as it turns out, there is better out there for me. I work very hard and my boyfriend freeloads off me, makes up excuses for not wanting to work hard to get ahead in life, is unmotivated, and frequently goes to bars and leaves me home alone. All while I pay for everything, he stays at my house and doesn't contribute a dime, wash a dish or scrub a toilet, and then says he loves me. If he loved me he would be devastated when I'm so burnt out from working so much to support his "carefree" lifestyle that he would take charge of his life and be a man and work as hard as he has to so that it is fair. He won't and it's been 2 years. I'm done....I've given more then money and tears to this man and I get nothing in return.

You also are on the giving end. You're giving yourself to him, you're lying for him, you're doing whatever he asks you to do because you're in love with him. However I don't think love involves someone cheating right out in the open like this.

he's very young. He hasn't had much experience with girls yet, hasn't played the field, etc. I think that's what he's doing right now. You also haven't played the field yet. There could be someone else out there that won't cheat on you like this and treat you this way.

You have to take charge and not back down. I can understand you're upset and when you're this upset you just keep making the same mistakes over and over.

This forum is a great outlet for advice, venting and just gaining the confidence to take control! I would get control of the situation, both in your head and in life.

[moonisis]

This person also sounds like your first love. If this is the case, they are the hardest to get over. (at least that is my opinion) Do you have anyone else, like a girlfriend or siblings that could help you with dealing with this?

One other thing I wanted to say was you have to set boundaries for yourself. I once went to a therapist when things in my life were getting out of control. This is the advice I got and I was told to set boundaries for myself and don't let anyone push me around and tell me otherwise. I know what's right and wrong.

[Chelsmir]

He was my first love. Actually, he's the first boyfriend I've ever had. I don't know anything else but him. We were together 6 months and I got pregnant, and him and the baby have been my life ever since then. I haven't had the time to explore and be with other people. When he broke up with me he would get mad at me if I mentioned liking another guy or anything close to it. It made me feel good to have him be protective over me like that too, because it's what I wanted.

I'm going to try my best at just cutting him off, because this is doing way more emotional damage than I want to believe it is. I'm just afraid. I'm afraid that no one else will ever love me because I will always love him. And that they wont be able to accept my baby because it's his, and it will always connect me to him. I know that it's more than likely just me telling myself that, but I can't help feeling that way.

[Texinator]

I keep convincing myself that I can't do any better and that I need him.

Why is that?

[Chelsmir]

I can't even explain it, because I don't even understand why. He always tells me that he's the best guy I'll ever find, and that no one is better than him or nicer than him.

[Chelsmir]

I know it's , he's an , but just the fact that he says that makes me hesitate, and stick around.