My Boyfriend changed on me

[robinson88]

We have been dating for 4 years on and off long distance(same state diff. cities). We will admt that we both love and are in love with eachother. However he has just started to really take this relationship seriously and he' had a sudden spurt of maturity. Recently, we had a conversation admitting things about our past ad he has admitting to cheating on me w/ a girl that he was telling me was just a friend. I decided that since we have broken up, gotten back together nd now have decided to be really serious that we would just move on from it, however, he fees so guilty and thinks that I should not forgive him. He says that I deserve better but he is such a great person I don't understand hy he can't move past this. He just visited me for my bday and stayed for 19 days. But now that he' gone back home, he's acting distant...not to mention he's not really a phone person. Yesterday he said that he thinks he let me "in" too much and he's never loved anyone as much as me...So what is going on then what should I do?

[kygirl]

I don't know all the details that 4 years brings. I dated a guy for 2 1/2 years same state, different cities and we basically saw each other every week, took vacations together, spent holidays together, etc. It's rough to be away from someone so much.

I don't doubt that he feels guilty but I believe when you forgive someone, it doesn't get brought up anymore. That has to go for him as well. He is going to have to decide that yes, he messed up, but you are attempting to move on. He can't come stay three weeks then pull away again the moment he's gone.

Do you mind if I ask what type of distance away you are? Do you have plans to move closer to each other at some point? How often do you see each other?

[robinson88]

6 hours away. summer of 2011 we plan on possibly moving in together, and I see him at least once a month for maybe 2 weeks at a time

[kygirl]

6 hours away. summer of 2011 we plan on possibly moving in together, and I see him at least once a month for maybe 2 weeks at a time

So you basically are still going to be dealing with long distance at least another year and a half or so. Are you in school or is there some reason why it's not been feasible to be closer for 4 years? 6 hours would be hard. It's nice that you can see each other for an extended period of time though.

How long ago did you get back together? Do you think maybe it's just still fresh in his mind?

[robinson88]

I do think it's still fresh in hs mind and we have been "long distance" for only 1 year of the 3, I actually moved back 2 my original hom. I am in school so I wouldn't make that move until I graduate. There has been conversation of him moving in but then the net day he'll back out eventhough he is always the one to brng it up. We have been thru a hel of alot and I honestly feel that we have improved. We broke up in august for a week and I guess it happened before we broke up. He thinks that he messed this elationship up too much and that he should start fresh w/ a new person. I disagree. e says that I deserve to be treated better but I feel that he doesn't understnd that EVERY relationship goes thru things. I am not a clingy forgiving person. I still hold grudges against other ppl andhe doesn't understand what makes him so special. He has done his share of dirt but if we decided to move on then I try to 4get about it

[robinson88]

srry of the 4

[kygirl]

He thinks that he messed this elationship up too much and that he should start fresh w/ a new person. I disagree. e says that I deserve to be treated better but I feel that he doesn't understnd that EVERY relationship goes thru things.

Well, not everyone deals with cheating, but that is really an individual call. As long as you all have discussed *why* it happened and feel it was a secluded incident then moving on is definitely doable. He is going to have to decide if he wants to try and then let you decide. It's not his call to decide that for you in my opinion. He either wants to be with you and work through it or he doesn't.

That all being said, you two need to really sit down and have a heart-to-heart. Long distance is not easy, but if he's constantly implying you should leave, or being distant emotionally, or not wanting to talk on the phone etc, 18 months is going to be a long time...

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I don't know..... Is he telling you the truth?

What I mean by that, is a "person" usually shares this sort of information 1) to finally get it off their chest and move forward in hope of understanding, or 2) to be dumped expecting it's un-acceptable.

I just don't like his comments about " I should find someone new", "you deserve better" I understand but the comment about finding someone as well as being distant makes me feel that he wants to spread his wings for a while because he lives 6hrs away and sees women all the time, flirting with him, or him with her and wants to explore more as he's only young.

Not what you want to hear but just my gut feeling...

I believe that he loves you and has done all the way through... but men are different than women as they are going through youth..

CW

[happy ending]

it does sound like for him its all too hard, maybe you need to move on.