Forgive or move on? Help!

[rachel801]

I've been with the love of my life for a wonderful 9 years. Recently, both our lives fell apart. Three months ago, I found out through his best friend that he cheated on me several times with multiple women, at a time when our relationship was long distance. I was angry, so I had a short, meaningless fling with the same friend, and he saw us. I have never dishonoured him EVER until I found out he had been lying this entire time, and he's an expert at covering his tracks. The timing couldn't have been worse because he had just proposed to me and I said yes (and meant it). Since then, we both suffered tremendously, broke off our engagement but came clean, promised to be faithful, and decided to try again. I've done my best to honour this, and we even planned a 3 week vacation together. But today I found out that he is still emailing dirty thoughts to his ex-lover. I love him, I know he loves me, we own a house together, and we've built such an amazing life together. It will be the most difficult task of my life to move out, but i've been debating this. We've both done wrong, but shouldn't he know better, after all we've been through? What do you think?

[GlitterAndStuds]

How did you find out he was still e-mailing her? Either way, he can't have it both ways. If he wants to make your relationship work and have this life with you, he needs to end everything with her. All contact, everything. If he can't do that, then you need to sit down and really think about whether this is what you want.

[Beautiful Disaster]

I can sort of relate to this situation........and I can tell you that the fact that he is thinking of his ex in that way, feeling the need to keep contact with her would tell me (just as it did in my situation) that he's keeping her hanging on a string for a reason. Because he's not sure. At the exact time my ex was doing this very same thing to me, he was also telling me daily that he loves me, wants me to be his wife, and was pushing really hard for me to move in with him. All the while, sending her emails about thinking about her in her "panties", and thinking about "steamy love sessions"....signing his emails to her with "Love never ends".

For someone to be with you for 9 years and to be doing this? Not good. He's cheated on you previously....but you cheating back on him basically just validated and excused his actions. Now he's communicating with another woman in an inappropriate way.

What does your gut instinct say? What do you think the odds are that this man you've been with for 9 years is going to suddenly change and not cheat? How amazing can your life be with someone that you're constantly having to wonder why you're not enough? Is he cheating? Is he telling me the truth? How amazing can it be when you're having to snoop in his emails because you don't trust him?

My advice, move out sweetie......and move on.

[rachel801]

Thanks for your thoughts, girls. Yes, I was snooping, but only because he seemed so distant this past week. He doesn't initiate sex and rejects me when I do. I was wrong to snoop, and after I confronted him he was angry and mean. I think he didn't know how to respond. But I know that he promised me never to contact her again, and I believed him. We are going on a 3-week vacation in two days, and I am so lost.

I think I will go on this trip and put all this on hold. Meanwhile just enjoy his company like grown ups. But I am seriously considering moving out. If it's meant to be, then we'll end up together. But I think a break is necessary because I treat him like gold and I think he's taken me for granted and looked elsewhere. It kills me that he's fantasizing about ex-lovers and not working out our relationship or refusing to go to counseling with me.

I know it's wrong to invade his privacy but I seem obsessed with it, after what I found.

[GlitterAndStuds]

A break is probably the best idea. Nothing wrong with enjoying some time off and having fun, but don't forget these things either.

It's pretty clear that you don't trust him now, and with good reason. And without trust, a relationship can't survive. It's good that you're considering all options, and you're right, whatever is meant to be will be. I just don't think it's a good idea to start such a big life on these terms.

[rachel801]

It's extremely hard, girls. I share my entire life with him. Our house, our finances, our everything, over 1/3 of my life with him. It's like getting a divorce, only I don't have kids with him yet, Thank God. Has anyone ever experienced such a painful breakup? If so, how do I even get things done without breaking down every second? I really love this guy, and I know he loves me too, but everything's ruined because of trust.

[Ahryin]

Rachel what you need to understand is if its hard for you its hard for him. So when you leave he will also feel it. However he will never feel it if you are there. Also you have to understand that you (and you may not want to hear this) did the unthinkable. You cheated with his friend. Which means every time he sees this man he will know that he has his cookie. Thats a hard hit on a mans pride. Sex is different for men than it is for women, at least most men. OTYA may say different. Men can get up wash off and walk away, women on the other hand its more emotional. The same way you are hurting i'm sure he is hurting. However for him he has visuals....etc
My advice would be to go on the vacation and show him what it is he has to loose etc. It is going to eat you up inside but have fun, just like you plan to. Refrain from discussing the previous events because you will need those memories to be fresh in his mind. So when you do leave even if its only for a month what he will remember is how much he enjoys speaking to you, the smell of your hair, the softness of your touch, the sound of your laugh....no other woman will be able to account for the joy you bring him and he will fix his own behavior .... you can not make him stop only he can make himself stop

[WildChild]

You've spent a 1/3 of your life this man. You've both made some big mistakes. No matter what the other person does you should always take the high road. The question is not just if you can save it, but if you should. If he's still making contact in a sexual manner with other women then he isn't really all the way in the relationship.

When I was a year out of high school I started living with a man and a year later we decided to get married. Two weeks before the wedding I found some pretty torid writing he'd been doing to an ex. This was long before internet, cell phones or even pc's, so it was all on paper. I confronted him with it and a pretty intense scene followed. He very dramtically swore he loved me, that he would never have mailed this stuff and would kill himself if I left. I forgave him and thought it was all OK. We got married and I spent the next few years dealing with him having affair after affair (there were other problems too). He was furious when I left, couldn't believe it.

Unless you want a life time of this, you are going to have to deal with, the sooner the better.

[Beautiful Disaster]

It's not so much the invasion of his privacy that is wrong, it's the fact that you felt the need to......and that speaks volumes. And many times it's not a matter of loving what you have......it's loving what you think you have, what you wish you had, and what you've created it to be in your mind. Loving what you've grown comfortable with.....not loving being cheated on, being disrespected, being rejected in the bedroom, being betrayed by him emailing his ex.

You know what you need to do....... and only you can do it.

[Little]

Forgive AND move on.
Forgiving those who have wronged us takes a weight off our hearts. But you have shown you aren't forgiving ... you're waiting. He has established that he is going to continue his past behavior ... as long as you let him. And by "forgiving" you are allowing.
If you want to forgive AND stay with him AND be happy to boot ... you're going to need a professional and you're going to need him to REALLY want to change. If he really does, he'll agree to a counselor. There, the three of you can talk about your behavior, feelings, and reactions and strive to change them.
Good luck. You're in a rough spot.