Let Me Know What You Think

[always hopeful]

Hello, I will try and make this a short as possible. The trouble started about 7 years ago, yes I know that is a long time ago but keep reading.....7 years ago my husband and I were trying to have a baby, after a year, no luck. I thought that we both agreed to maybe quite trying so hard, well I was wrong. Out of the blue my husband says, "its over", does not offer any explanation nor does he answer any of my questions. Well I had every feeling you could possibly have. We were apart for about 3 weeks and during this whole time I was staying at a friends and he was at our home. During the time apart I was searching for answers, since his was not offering any. Then I started to wonder...is there some else? Then I started to think back before our break up.....we were running our in city trucking company and there was this girl hanging around, Deanna, was her name, I never though anything about her because her brother worked for us. Then I started putting two and two together, and my imagination ran wild, and I asked my husband if anything was going on, and he swore that that was not the reason for the breakup, I still felt ill about it but I decieded to go forward and try and save the marriage. We talked things over and he finally said that he felt that I gave up having a baby and that I really did not want to be with him and felt that he wasted enough of MY life. Well long story short we got back together and decieded to try IVF. Well low and behold our son was born July 2006. Over the next three years we have been dealt some pretty crappy cards, we went into business with family, they didn't pay. Bought a home and property with family, they backed out. So we have battleing in court and to say the least we have loss our home, cars, business...it has been the worst 3 years of my life EXCEPT I have a beautiful little boy which has kept my head above water.

Over the last 6 months my husband has been going out drinking every weekend with his friends. I was really getting tired of it so I proceeded to express my feelings. Well since then we have had a few conversations in which he has told me that he doesn't want to get old, we are boring, we do not do anything together, and so on. I agreed that we should try and do more together. After our conversation he continued to go out, he said that he needed a release from the stress. I still had a problem, I had no release and I felt that he was living two lives, so I told him. Well the conversation got heated and the next thing I know I am asking him about the breakup before the baby was born and he proceeded to tell me that yes he did cheat on me with that Deana but he said that he was not thinking clearly and he really wanted a baby and was willing to PAY her to have his baby and she agreed!!! I was devestated!!! I knew it, he told me that he had no feelings for her he justed wanted her to have a baby for us. I said so if it would have happened, do you think I would have accepted that? He said No, he didn't know what he was thinking then. Now I am faced with all the those feelings from 6 years ago plus the feelings of stupidty for believing him in the first place and feelings of distrust, and wonder about any other foggy moments for him. Now over the last few weeks we have been having discussions about all these things, including things that I have never told him. Anyways two nights ago we had another heated discussion and he told me that HE KNOWS that I will never make an effort to go out him, never try anything different, that I have a problem in my head. It was all about what I had to do to make this work and I was so sick of hearing about what I had to do and nothing about what he had to do I just simply said "I guess your right, the change did not happen overnight, its not fast enough for you, but I cannot just pick up and go out, I do have a kid", so I told him "I GIVE UP, I am not fighting anymore, obviously you want to move forward, so go......after I said that he asked me if I wanted him to go, I said yes and then after about 15 minutes, he said "nope i am not going anywhere, I am going to stay here and make your life miserable" and a bunch of other hurtfull things, I didn't even reply. Then after another 15 minutes he was saying I do not want to throw it away, please I want to try, I love you with all of my heart. He also told me that he is depressed and sometimes he is numb? Have NO IDEA, any suggestions???

[Hopeless Dork]

Drinking, Depression, Feelings of numbness... all kind of go together in a vicious cycle. All of your financial problems are likely eating away at him right now, causing him to be depressed> leading to drinking> leading to numbness.

Men tend put a lot of their self-worth into being able to provide for their family, he now has that kid he always wanted and life is kicking you guys in the butt over and over making things difficult. Its hard on you, its hard on him.

You guys can let this tear you apart, making both of you miserable or you can work together to move forward and re-build your life, financially , emotionally, etc.

He cheated, he lied, he hurt you , he damaged your trust. For a lot of women that right there is enough to hand a man his walking papers. But is that what you trully want to do? Do you still love him? Can you close your eyes and remember what things were like when they were good? Are those moments worth working for to recapture?

What kind of a man is he outside of the affair and current attitude? Is he loving? How is your sex life? How does he treat you and your child? Is he meeting your emotional needs? Are you satisfied?

You've got to weight the good and the bad , and decide if there is anything to save. If there is... save it. We are but human, and mistakes are made. If you forgive him... can you work to forget? Work towards putting it in a place in your mind that doesn't hurt you? If you can, do it.

He will have to help you, he will have to rebuild your trust and it may take time. He will have to curb that drinking and put his focus back on his family. You will have to give too. You will have to make time for him , for you, for the both of you to be young, to love, and to step outside and enjoy the world and each other.

It doesn't take a lot of money, just the desire to do it and the creativity to find affordable ways to make your lives more interesting.

[always hopeful]

Thank you, it is really unbeliveable that the words you have said really made a difference. I do still love him. After the affair, he was good. After the baby was born he was good, he was understanding and thoughtful but now he is distant in some ways. Our sex life was good before the baby, after the baby not so good, now its okay...except that he has problems keeping hard???? Which I am concerned...I do not know if it is the stress or what. Last night he said that he doesnt know why he cant get excited??? what do you say?

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Hi always hopeful it appears your thread got lost there, in the background.

For sure you guys have been through alot. Family reneging, finances failing, losing things.. The stress on that is huge.

When a woman has a child, she changes her attitude about excitement and fun.. The man doesn't. He's happy to be a husband and father but still enjoys the dating, the romance, the laughter, the being a "lad"..

I think that because he has stated to you " you don't want to go out, no adventure" or to that effect, he really wants you to. He wants to laugh and so he goes out, but he wants you to be with him...

He needs you, he needs your companionship as well as a wife and mother, he needs you. He feels more than likely as a failure all way round. IVF, loss of business, etc. He's failed in so many ways in his mind. Fact is, it's not his fault, parents failed and nature failed.

He went of the edge, over mis-communcation, understanding of his needs, verses your non-acceptance.

Try to see how hard it is for a guy, that can't make his wife pregnant, who can't create a successful business, who loses it all.

Your at peace as you have a beautiful child so emotionally your fine.

He's not fine.

And, so he is depressed and therefore, has trouble getting it up because he's a bit lost and very angry over what he feels he failed at, which he didn't in reality.

I don't excuse what he did with the lady... But, I do think he was an emotional wreck.

If you can find it in your heart, try to remember before children, before marriage, before the failures and try to have someone look after your child and have date nights and baths together, things that are "together" let him know he's a man, he's feeling pretty poorly I believe and a failure.

If you love him you may see what I am saying there.

CW

[always hopeful]

Thank you CW, I have been searching and seeking to find a path here but it seems that every time we do have a possitive conversation, then he blows it. I really am confused, I do love him but I believe we are on two different pages, I have posted again since this post about some of the stuff going on. He is becoming someone I do know....and he says he wants to try new things? Well, I know that I cannot control what he does but as far as I am concerned the new things should be with us as a family. We do nothing as a family, he doesn't like going for walks, my son loves it, doesn't like playing outside, my son loves it,...the sad thing is my son is already 3 1/2 and he had never been to the zoo, I know what your going to say "why don't you take him", I would but we only have one car (borrowed at that) and he always has it. My question is "when you have childern do you not want to spend time, take them places, AS A FAMILY?

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Yes, I believe that you do and even if you want a double like, your missing something, you work on that as well, but you don't neglect family and especially and 3 and a half year old, for simple things such sa walks or playing outside.

No, I'm not going to say take him to the zoo yourself, that's something a child remembers and needs mummy and daddy together.

Have you asked him why he wants a threesome? What makes him feel those thoughts?

I get the mid life crisis bit, that I think is playing heavily other than that, maybe depression has set in and he can't see family for now, only his youth passing away.

He seems angry as well, "wanting to make your life miserable" as if you're stopping him from being young?

CW