Sex with my gf?

[starman]

Hi there im new here and yes im MALE.

Here we go then, I have been with my gf for many years and we have a child. I'm looking for some advice on what i should do about my problem.

My gf has never been a sexual person and is very basic in the bedroom and always has been but it is now driving me up the wall. We have and always have used the same position in bed though we have used others but i feel she never puts any effort into them and just brushes it off. Our sex life is by her say only and is a pre-booked event. I gave up asking many months ago as i was getting brushed off at every turn.

I now feel as if im being used when we do have sex as it seems to be over as fast as it can be and im having trouble performing in bed due to this fact. When we have both came i feel very unhappy about what has just happened as i think more effort could have been used.

I have asked and gave my best to make her feel more sexual but nothing works.

I have had a read through the forum before posting and the self masterbation seems to pop up alot, I have also asked this and she said she would never do that to herself as it's horrible


One other thing and this might just be me, she will not finish off with oral if i have been inside her which i have always found strange...

[acerousme]

hmmm...this is a tough one. At first it was all fine and dandy??

is she a busy person? does she have a job?

[CHANDLERS WISH]

People have different view points on what constitutes sex.

You have to remember how most Mothers, or some bought up their children, based on how they were bought up where sex is involved. There was no foreplay, bj's were just not the thing, and sex was purely to have children, it was a dirty word and so unfortunately, alot of women have gone on in life thinking the same.

How can you change someone's sexuality? Make them more open to try things and that intimacy between two people is a beautiful thing, not dirty? I don't think that you can and I think that there are so many people like yourself it's not funny.

The reverse can be noted as well... Going down on a female is gross, anal is gross, just jump on top and do the deed, that's sex.

Yet, the female wants to be so overwhelmed that she crys at the end...

It's non-compatability in the sexual department full stop...

CW

[Hopeless Dork]

My gf has never been a sexual person

Were you always a sexual person? If the answer is yes.... got to ask what your expectations were of her? That she would learn to become sexual for you as time went on?

I guess it boils down to what you want in a relationship... she had qualities you desired that compinsated for her lack of interest in sex... whats changed?

I understand your frustration, but I don't understand why this only bothers you now, and if it bothered you before what did you to deal with it all this time and why isn't that working anymore?

I am a sexual person and my bf allows me to comfortably express that. I don't cook... he knows I don't cook, me cooking isn't a deal breaker for him. If later down the road he was like " you never cook, why didn't you learn to cook, I've always wanted you to cook!! " I'd feel like I was decieved into thinking that he was okay with me not cooking.

I hope you get what I mean? I am just saying use caution when approaching this subject with her... because it would be different if she changed on you, she didn't. You said she's always been this way, and you were accepting of that so its you that is changing actually.

There could be heaps of reasons she isn't sexual. Some people (rare) just are asexual, some people are repressed, embarrased, feel guilty etc, some just havent found a way to let go.

Now the masturbation thing..in a case where a woman isn't sexual, you'd actually want her to masturbate. Those posts you read where masturbating in relationships was discouraged it was more about people getting so much side satisfaction on their own that they didn't want the main course with their partners.

Women have much trickier equipment than men. If she's never masturbated and doesn't do that now, she hasn't learned what pleases her and will have a hard time showing you how to please her... and trust me if the sex is pleasurable she will become sexual.

Im not saying run out and tell her masturbate, I'm saying in your case I certainly wouldnt discourage her exploring what pleases her body so that she can guide you.

[Texasred]

How can you change someone's sexuality? Make them more open to try things and that intimacy between two people is a beautiful thing, not dirty? I don't think that you can and I think that there are so many people like yourself it's not funny.

It's non-compatability in the sexual department full stop...

CW

Wow, you could cast that statement in bronze and hang it on the wall!

I feel like I could have written the OP's letter...
My wife's the same way: once she's finished, she's asleep in seconds.
And she wasn't that way BEFORE she put the ring on.

Yeah, I know, maybe I changed?
Maybe some, but not THAT much.

Wish I could offer some encouraging suggestion to the Starman, but I can't. All I can say is, be glad you're not married, and get out before you waste any more of your life.

[Hopeless Dork]

Wish I could offer some encouraging suggestion to the Starman, but I can't. All I can say is, be glad you're not married, and get out before you waste any more of your life.

He may not be be married, but he has a child with this woman if I read correctly. The relationship he's in would be no easier to exit than a married one so him "being glad he's not married" doesn't seem to make a difference that I can see.

I just always wonder why men do this to themselves, why women do, why people do. Why they take on a partner that has a fundamental "character flaw" (in their opinion) that conflicts with their happiness-- with the hopes that one day they will change.

Its like a man marrying an overweight woman with bad eating habits with the expectation that he can diet her down to the size he wants. Or a woman marrying a guy that doesn't want to work and wants to party 24/7 with the hopes that she can 'turn him' into a responsible man.

I think that when you decide to take on a partner, you should do so knowing -- this is it -- this may be it-- this is who they are , the good , the bad.... and I'm going to be okay with that.

For texasreds case, if your wife was one way and then became another ... thats a different story all together. But I do find it hard to understand how someone can fake an interest in sex until they are married then suddenly turn off the acting and expect the other person to be happy with that. Weird.

[starman]

Im not sure where to go with this, the reason i have put up with it is that i always thought it would come good as we always spoke about what was going on and she would say that she knows that she is not letting herself go.

I feel i'm being strung along and i would never leave my child... I'm not sure about how or what she was raised to think about sex but i'm think this could be part of the cause. I now feel she is only having sex to make me happy or when she is wanting something but i don't have the heart to tell her it's so wrong.

I am mad about her and many times i would love to take her there and then but as in the past times i have gave this a go i get brushed off for some reason or another. It is so hurtfull that it is now making me very angry with myself and in general the way i am being treated. I am finding that i spend most of my time in a dreamland and can't even speak to her BUT i feel i can't leave as i would miss her and my child.

[WildChild]

For texasreds case, if your wife was one way and then became another ... thats a different story all together. But I do find it hard to understand how someone can fake an interest in sex until they are married then suddenly turn off the acting and expect the other person to be happy with that. Weird.

I think this happens with both genders. In some cases it's a calculated means of "getting" someone who may have money or perceived social status that is desired. I dealt with one side of this, dated a man who told me I was "ideal" for him, except to do what he wanted in life he had to marry a woman who had money and social connections. Fortunately I wasn't in love with him. Last I heard he was engaged to an attorney heiress. He either fooled her or she was in line with what he wanted and wanted a husband with those aspirations.

Some people can completely disconnect from emotion to get what they think they want.

[Hopeless Dork]

You're right WC. I guess the sexual one strikes a chord with me being on various forums where men talk about women who have high sex drives and such in a poor light, that they wouldn't marry that kind of woman... etc.. They have this view of wanting some puritan meek wife -- then later are faced with the reality of how much fun that is long term and complain about their wives lack of interest in sex, etc.

Not saying that is the case with our OP here, just saying that seems to be an issue with some guys. This fear of being with a woman in tune with her sexuality and this misery of being with one who is not.

[StillLearnin]

I married a woman that has a fundamental flaw, and it being a huge gap in our sexual needs. I was young, in love, and respected that she didn't want to have sex until we were married. But that's not the mistake. What I did was admirable, considering I was very sexually active before I started dating her. My mistake was that when she didn't become more sexual and my sexual needs weren't being met (really started after our honeymoon phase, which is when our first child was born), is that I didn't speak up and tell her what my physical needs are to be completely satisfied with my marriage. Like starman, everything was under her control and I had to accept what she would provide. I put off expressing my frustrations for years and years, building up a resentment towards her and never being happy with our physical relationship.

Open communication up front, even if it's a tough conversation that she doesn't want to have, is the most important thing you can do. If she doesn't want to discuss it and keeps putting you off, and your needs off, be assertive and tell her that she has to do something to keep your relationship strong. Insist on marriage counseling, or sex therapy. If she doesn't want to go she is in denial that she has a problem. Then you need to reevaluate if you want to stay in the marriage (or long term relationship as you are in).

For those that have complaints about "she won't give me bjs any more" or "we only have sex 5 times a week now" I hear you and understand the pain you are going through because it's not as good as it used to be. But I don't sympathize with your problem because I have never had it so good. But, like I said, the problem was caused by the mistake I made about not forcing the issue at about 3 years into our marriage after our first child was born. I was always wanting to make her happy and "do the right thing." Well, a relationship works both ways. If she doesn't want to make you happy and understand what your needs are then I wonder if she really, truly, loves you. (I'm wondering that about my wife right now)

Do what you need to do for yourself and don't always think you have to be the good guy. It takes two.

Good luck.