trying to stay strong, but ready to break

**beckydawn** · 10-30-2009 02:29 PM

my mom passed away on oct 15 unexpectedly, I ve became the one that supose to be strong for my dad, my little cousins, aunts/uncles, and grandad. I m supose to keep going to school and stay focused but with all energy I m using to appear like i m okay, and smile and not yell at people, I dont have energy to focus on school work. I m trying to stay strong but I feel at any moment I can lose that control. does anyone have any advice on how to continue stay strong?

**WildChild** · 10-30-2009 02:39 PM

Oh sweetie, this is so hard. My mom died when I was 20, I know what it's like. I don't know who or what made you feel you are reesponsible for the feelings of all these people, but you aren't. You are all grieving together and need to support and help each other.

Is there a counselour at school who might be able to help?

**beckydawn** · 10-30-2009 03:16 PM

I've always been the one to be strong for my family ever since I was 11 and both my grandmas passed away, its just always been what I have done. I m the one to take care of everyone. Yea my school has counselour, I just haven't tried going yet, I know I should its just hard to go.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 10-30-2009 03:23 PM

You know, it may be in your nature to nurture and that was a very brave and hard thing to do at 11, this is even harder though it's your Mother and I am so sorry sweet, this must be extremely difficult for you. But, you can't do this alone.

You know your Dad would probably welcome you to go to him and just hold him and let it all out, it may help him as well.

This is a time you two can bond and help each other, why not do just that and tell him your there for him and ask him to be there for you... It can help both of you to get through this, trust me....

Give it a try...

CW

**beckydawn** · 10-31-2009 11:01 PM

my dad is blaming himself for my mom diying and so I have stay strong for him so he will stop thinking that. but me and him are going to go on cross country motorcycle ride this summer and we be able to get closer then, since it was always my mom I told everything too.

Thanks for the support.

**WildChild** · 11-01-2009 05:52 AM

Sweetie, it is very normal for people to go through a phase of self blaming, feeling responsible and even wishing they had died rather than the person who did, this is part of your father's grieving. You are not responsible for getting him to stop thinking that, as he moves through the greiving process and starts to heal, that feeling will go away on it's own - regardless of what you do or don't do. You need to greive and let yourself experience Your pain. This is important and normal.

**kristalyn_04** · 11-02-2009 04:13 PM

Hi Becky, so sorry about your mom. I lost my dad at age 16, and my grandmother passed last year. I agree with what everyone is saying, you need to let yourself grieve, help your family grieve and let them help you. It's a process, everyone is hurting... you cannot and should not go through it alone. I have been there, I know it is hard, but give it time.

I have a suggestion for you and your family, it's something that has helped me to heal. Find something positive to remember your mother by, it can be a memory, or something of hers that was special to her, or just a picture, or anything you want. Keep it close (under your bed, in a scrapbook, a journal, your wallet, whatever). Through this her memory will live on, and you will always have her with you in some form. For me, it was my father's artwork. I inherited an artistic talent through him, and I keep his drawings in a folder inside my scrapbook and post them on my web site. I dedicated an entire section of my web site to his memory; this helps me to remember that he is not really gone from my life, even though he has passed on. Hope this helps, and I wish you and your family all the best.

**curious200** · 11-03-2009 02:08 AM

Hi Becky, I am so sorry to hear about your mother. I agree with the other women - the best thing you can do for your family is take care of yourself. You are in a very vulnerable situation right now because of the loss of your mother, and you need to grieve and let the emotions out. If you don't, there is a good chance they will fester inside of you and do you serious long-term harm. I lost my father a few years ago, and the best thing that my mother, brother and I did for each other was to be there for each other to support each other and cry on each others' shoulders. It is not natural for anyone to be "strong" when a loved one has just died, and everyone around you will understand if you grieve and cry. In fact, letting it out will help you to feel a lot better, and you'll be better able to be there for your father and the rest of your family to take care of them. But you must take the time to take care of yourself first, or else you won't be of much help to them.

**beckydawn** · 11-04-2009 01:52 PM

the thing i dont understand the most is people just saying let yourself griev, how? if all grieving is, is crying what good does that do? I feel bad before and I feel bad after still plus I have headacke from crying so whats the point in letting myself cry all the time. I dont mean to sound mean or rude about asking I really dont get it.

**KMonte85** · 11-04-2009 02:05 PM

I'm very sorry to hear about the untimely death of your mother, beckydawn.

Grieving isn't always crying for everyone. When my aunt died, who was close to a second mother to me I barely cried except when I learned of her death and at her burial. People thought I was nuts and coldhearted. I just grieve in my own way.

I decided to do something for her, in her memory. Something positive. Something she would have loved. I planted a garden of purple flowers in her honor (she loved gardening and her fav color was purple).

Every time I do something good for myself, I think about how she must be so proud of me. Like when I graduated from college, or bought my house - I know she is proud and I dedicate my accomplishments to her.

She LOVED hummingbirds and so do I. Everytime one flies up to me to nosh in the flowers by my deck I think she sent it to me to help me remember her and the love we had for each other, and to brighten my day. It helps me keep her close to my heart.

This is how I came to terms with her death.

Think of the great things you had with your mother, and how you can keep those great things going in your life. It is not an easy task mind you. And seeing someone to help sort through your feelings could be a relief to you. You might have your own way of grieving - not crying. We all come to terms with loss in our own way.