love is driving me insane

[Texas]

OK, so I am a man and I am here to ask for healthy suggestions to a very big problem, but 1st some background.

I am a 35 year old male, 5'10", 171 lbs, fit, attractive, educated (bachelors in business). I have been married to a beautiful, educated (Dr. O.D.) for 13 years, she is also 35, we graduated high school together, but did not date until undergraduate college, married when we were 22.

We were friends in high school and attended the same church, we had very similar upbringings, neither of our parents are divorced and we both have at least one sibling.

During our marriage there have been many turbulent years, we spent nearly 4 years apart while she attended optometery school in Puerto Rico and I bought a house in our home town waiting for her return. During her absence I became a gym rat to fill my time and never once kissed, or touched another woman. I was completely faithful, COMPLETELY.

I think the first problems began on our wedding night. She did not want to have sex, (I was extremely hurt), she said she was tired and we had done it before, but we did anyway. I knew she wanted to be successful, but I did not take her drive to be successful seriously enough and discounted what she said about going to Optometry school. She applied to several schools (only 11 in the USA and PR in the late 90's and all together the class size was only 1100 students for all 11 schools combined). The closest two schools were Houston and St. Louis, she was not accepted to one and was put on a waiting list at the other. I told her no way in was she going to apply to Puerto Rico, I would not move there. Well to shorten the story, she applied was accepted and broke the news to me that she was going to move there. She asked me not to make her chose between her life long dream and her spouse, she would resent me for life if I did.

I swallowed my pride and moved to Puerto Rico with her, only to stay for a few months, not being able to find work I came back home and began my single married life here. I would see her for 2-1/2 months every summer, a few weeks at Christmas and I would take my vacation to go visit her 2 weeks out of the year. During our time apart I would go several months without any physical contact, until I saw her again. When I did see her the first thing I wanted to do was make love and spend our time romantically intertwined. The problem was she never threw herself at me when I arrived and often we would wait longer than I wanted to to become intimate.

Fastforward to 4 years later (and $100K in debt from her schooling)....we actually made it although it was living %^&*, especially towards the end. She came home and I invisioned our lives coming together and with my sacrifice and her goals behind her we could finally have the love I always dreamed of.

7 years have passed since then, we have a beautiful home, a 4 year old son and she recently bought a business and is self employed after almost 6 years in a multi-specality clinic as a partner.

During our years together upon her return there have been fights ( I have never hurt my wife physically) and I have said some very mean things about her lack of intimacy towards me. We have seen counselors numerous times and at one point I was almost ready to give up. But deep down inside I love her and was relegated to the fact that sex, intimacy, passionate kissing and desire were not just going to be part of my life, but since we had everything else I could live with that. I know the grass is greener on the other side I do not have to be told.

Intimacy and desire seem to be our only problem in the marriage. I share the load with house work, I mow the lawn, take out the trash, clean the house, cook and spend as much, or more time with our son as I feel she does. I send her flowers, buy her gifts and always put her interest first when it comes to many things, but not everything. I have been employed at the same job for 11 years and earn a respectible income, although no where near what she does.

Unfortunately, I did develop a drinking problem for about 2 years and was really down on myself with the lack of desire in the marriage. I believe it lead me to drink (although not certain), but it has been over a year since I had this problem and I see it clearly in my past.

Also, with the lack of passion I have said some mean things to her, lashing out and being a meanie. I hurt her, but hateful actions without hurt are impossible. You cannot hate without hurt it is impossible, hurt is the primary emotion and hate, or hateful behavior is the secondary emotion that stems from the hurt.

I always saw the problem as that my wife lacked to ability to desire, so I accepted it and moved on. Over the course of our marriage we began to spend more time apart and I would do activities with my brother, she would go out with friends, or go shopping by herself, for her "alone" time.

In June she revealed to me that she loved me, but was not "in love with me" anymore. I was devistated, it was a wake-up call. Since then I set out to work on this by trying to spending more time together and being there for her whenever possible, a complete reversal for what I had been doing. I have double checked e-mails and such and I see no evidence of an affair.

Last month we went on vacation to Mexico, without our son, where she hoped to find the sparkle, unfortunately she did not. Not that we did not have sex, we did, but she said she felt nothing when we did it.

Three weeks ago she said she could not make love to me anymore and left for a few days and spent the night at a married girl friends house.

She came back home and we have been trying to work through this, but she now wants there to be desire in the marriage and she is unsure if she can find it with me, since we have never had that "spark".

I have done so much research and have read several books, including "the five love languages", "the sexless marriage" and "how to save your marriage when only one of you wants to".

She recently went to see a counselor again and I have gone to see a lawyer about what a divorce entails.

She is still not feeling it and I am almost at my whits end. Does anyone have any advice? I am emotionally drained. It's hard to give her time and space and take things slowly, because I feel that's what we have done over the years and I am about to break.

thanks for any helpful advice.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Texas, welcome to the Forum.

It's hard to say this to you, but I did it as well, so perhaps I know and as I'm also older than you, perhaps you may appreciate this.

When a "wife" doesn't want to consummate the marriage, it's starts there... I'd say because you were together so long, it seemed inevitable but, the passion wasn't there then and it hasn't been there since.. I'm sorry...

People marry and "think" it will work itself out and that the passion is reserved for the "beginning" of each relationship and then it's gone, so they settle.

Your wife is a career orientated person and doesn't need a man in her life, likes the company but can't find the will and desire to focus and spend her energy on re-kindling from before you were married, she's always put all her energy in career...

The sad part about this is, is that you sacrificed in hope.

The only Saviour for you is that you have coped, because you have had to cope being a "single" married man and you've lived in a sexless perhaps, loveless marriage from which at some point it got you down so bad, that I believe the alcohol was a reaction.

The only way you could possibly win your wife is to be someone your not, to not initiate or go for sex at all for months on end, however, go back wards, and laugh with her, start dressing differently, go out a bit, to which she would ? And, express intimacy without sex until she wants it.

Is that fair for you?

Or all that passion you have inside, is it time to perhaps realise that this didn't work and can't work and even though you believe in marriage like I did, we only live once and it's your turn to shine and find all that you desire and want from a relationship?

CW

[kms]

has your wife been in a relationship before you? If so, was sex a problem then? I'm wondering if it's possible to determine if she has a pattern with this - meaning the issue is with her, not you or your relationship. She may leave the relationship and find herself in the exact same situation. Even if the problem is with her, that still doesn't help you though in salvaging the relationship because it's not fair for you to sacrifice something that is a necessity for you to be satisfied and happy. But, it does help for your peace of mind. Knowing if it was the relationship itself that wasn't a good fit for her, or if it was just her period would help you sort things out and be able to put everything in its right place. Just a thought anyway.

[Texas]

my wife was only with one other man before me, she was young and there was not a problem.

last night go got into an arguement and she has asked me for a divorce. It's going to happen, she really does want one.

I did not sleep all night, she had a girlfriend drive her home and she is staying with her this evening.

She does not want to try, she says it's not in her and she can't love me.

I will be going to the lawyer's on monday and filing for divorce.

I want to puke!

[PJhavinfunagain]

{BIG HUG} This sucks for you, make sure to grieve and let yourself heal. The biggest thing here is to be the best dad you can. I hope the both of you do the best you can by your son.

[WildChild]

There is always more than one side to things but this sounds very much like she used you. I've this story over and over, but from women, who've supported a man through college, interships and such, getting a business or practice up and going and them have gotten dumped - usually for a younger woman. It's sad because you have worked to build something for the two of you and she has only worked for herself.

I'm sure the attorney will tell you this but make certain you have copies of all financial documents and records. You should focus on custody of your child - she doesn't sound too connected, and support. You put her through school and developing her business, let her pay to get you on a better footing-if that is what you need.

It hurts terribly now but it really is true that time will heal.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Your going to go through a lot of emotions and anger will be one of them.

Please don't go back to drinking, if you do, she wins...

You put a considerable amount of time into the relationship in hope and it does appear that she has "taken" and doesn't care at all about how you feel.

I do agree with WC, I don't care if it's male or female, when Divorce comes to hand, it's about what you put in, ensure you get back...

There will be positives later down the track trust me and the next lady you let enter your life will be giving and loving... Just take time out for you and be around your friends or you'll self destruct and spiral out of control..

You have a good heart.

CW

[Texas]

Thanks for the encouragement and words of kindness.

To reply, I am not perfect and I have done and said things to hurt her, but honestly it has been well over a year since then and I have made every effort not to open my mouth with hateful words.

I am way confused, sick and have not slept in 38 hours.

She came home this morning with her married girlfriend, who took our son into his room and played with him while we spoke.

We talked for an hour and a half, part of me was getting excited that there may be hope; however she reinterated that she feels divorce is the only option, as she wants to find true "desire & passion" and does not think it is possible with me.

I called up a Nun from our church and she made time to see me. She gave me lots of advice and helped pray with me. She said she believed an annullment might be possible since the sacrament of marriage constitutes two becoming one and putting the other spouse's needs first.

After discussing what had been going on all these years, which she already knew some of since I had spoken to her before, she questioned her ability to love and believe she has some serious emotional problems. My wife was not coddeled as a child and can only recall ever being told "I love you" a hand full of times from her parents while growing up. Once was at our wedding. They also never hug and there is just not much affection. Although they give it freely to our son. This is very weird.

She told me to seek peace and guidance in God and to let my wife go, move on and find someone that will love me. (a re-occurring theme)

I came home to take our boy trick or treating, she came home with him from her folks house and I gave her the cold shoulder for a while, but i finally broke.

I went into the bedroom and told her to STOP, JUST STOP!! Stop being so selfish and put away your pride.

Today is her birthday, she turned 35.

Several years ago I was down on our marriage and she told me that, "I was the man of her dreams and that she did love me". I reminded her of this.

I said, you need to go out and have your fun tonight, (as this has worn on her too and it is her birthday) but instead of going to stay away again at her friends that she needed to come home and crawl in bed next to me when she got home and let me hold her. She said she might do that.

Later she was in the bathroom getting ready, I put my arm around her and she leaned back into me, I pecked her on the lips and she reciprocated. (now I am really confused)

I asked her if all the books and reading I was doing was smothering her and she said yes, please stop, as I would read things to her that I found valid in our situation. Just be warm, not hot and not cold, but warm, she said.

I think she is having an early midlife crisis or something. She never had a problem with birthdays before, but this one is really bothering her. She started running a few months back and has entered in a 1/2 marathon in San Antonio next month.

I am not sure that this will work out, but i still have hope. She is seeing the counselor again on Tuesday and she has agreed to bring up the lack of "physical and verbal love" while she was a child. I am hoping to chip away at her little by little.

I have not mentioned the divorce word and since she said she wants to get one, I think I will let her be the one to take the responsibility to act upon it. (no advantage to filing first in Texas, according to my highly recommended lawyer)

Perhaps, just perhaps something can be salvaged, but I am not getting my hopes up yet. Honestly why am I putting in so much effort? I look at her and I melt, I really love this woman. I am crazy!

[OhThereYouAre]

This is tough call.

I wish I had some good advice. But I don't.

All I can do is reassure you that you have options. And you shouldn't be afraid to explore them should your marriage end.

[LanaBear]

Wow - I really don't know what to say that hasn't already been said.

I'm sure it's pretty tough right now, especially with a little one in the mix too.

Just remember to take care of yourself.

Good luck!