When is enough, enough?

[Texinator]

I'm going to go against some of the things you and I have said and ask the following: What about finding someone as great or greater than Marty in your immediate area?

I know I've said that I think you and Marty should be together and you've said you don't want to start over with someone completely new, but the reason I ask in the first place is because there are so many What Ifs involved in your current situation.

What if Jared really wants nothing more than sex? What if Jared will never change? What if Marty doesn't feel as strongly as you do? What if regardless of his feelings you can never be together again? What if you and Marty are together but he cheats again?

I know it sounds negative and I don't wanna fill you with doubts and give you a panic attack..but I thought I'd bring it up cause sometimes it seems it's just easier to cut through all the What Ifs and find some someone that's close to you emotionally AND physically.

Thinking out loud, I guess.

[ThexMrs]

Tex... When you were in love, what was it like? You think about that person all of the time. Their voice makes your heart skip a beat. When they call you get butterflies. There is nothing in the world that makes you that happy. That's how I feel at least. So for you to ask me to find someone as great as Marty to greater in my area, my only thought is, "There is no one like him." Honestly, and this could just be the love talking but I have never met someone like him before. All of the qualities that he has, I've never seen in another person. I've never gotten along so swimmingly with anyone or had so much in common. When Marty and I talk it's laugh after laugh and I love that. I don't want anyone else.

There are so many "What if's" and it sucks but honestly when it comes to Marty, I'd take a million what if's just to have that hope that maybe some day him and I will end up together. I'm content with where Marty and I stand for the first time. I'm just happy to have him in my life at all.

This is the problem. This is the EXACT problem that I have. Marty gives me the 50% I need of emotional closeness and Jared gives me the 50% I need of physical closeness. I'm not getting 100% from either. Now keep in mind, at this moment it's impossible for Marty to give me 100% but as for Jared, he chooses not to.

There is a lot to think about and I really think that I need to sit down with Jared (maybe in a public place) and have a good long talk with him. We need to hash this all out or else it will never change. Thing is, I only see Jared really early in the morning or really late at night. I'm just so tired of fighting for something by myself if you know what I mean. Obviously though, I'm not tired enough because I haven't let him go completely. I've broken up with him but still talk to him and let him come around. I guess I just need to close Lindsay's Legs for a while. I can't always be open for business.

[Haven]

He has an excuse for everything that he does and I accept them. Why? I guess because I don't want to be alone

I think this is the heart of the issue. You're getting a payoff out of this. You're willing to settle for a subpar relationship because you get something out of it, and as you've said, something is better than nothing.

Something isn't always better than nothing, though. When you're willing to settle for less, you can lose opportunities to settle for more. If I found a diamond on the street, I wouldn't sell it for $5. $5 is something, and something is better than nothing, but it's not like I have "nothing". I have a diamond that I know will be worth more than $5 to the right person. The opportunity to sell that diamond to someone who knows its true value is worth more to me than the $5 I could get from someone who made me a poor deal.

I do kind of feel like I only deserve this. My take is kind of like... Accept what you have because you're lucky SOMEONE wants to be with you.

You have some self-esteem issues that make you think you're a $5 diamond at best. Other people don't agree with your assessment - scroll back through this thread and look at all the good things people have said about you. They think you deserve, and could get, more.

You can tell all those people they're wrong, and they might even BE wrong, but let me ask you something: what would you have to do to make them right?

[WildChild]

Why are you continuing to try to find a balance with the two of them? WHy not focus on Marty? And on getting your life going in the direction you want? You had big dreams of a degree in psychology and a nice house and all that. You are expending your energy trying somehow to create one good man out of two who aren't quite where or what you want.

[Texinator]

Tex... When you were in love, what was it like? You think about that person all of the time. Their voice makes your heart skip a beat. When they call you get butterflies. There is nothing in the world that makes you that happy. That's how I feel at least.

I brought it up because you said you think you should feel lucky that somebody is interested in you. You'd probably be happy with Jared committing because he might be better than nothing at all. But I wanted to see what your mindset was regarding Marty. That is, if you really feel as strongly about him as it seems or if maybe you were just settling in the sense that attention from Marty is better than nothing at all. From your explanation it seems that those feelings are as strong as they appear though.

I like to say you should never settle for less than you deserve. If nothing makes you as happy as Marty does then he is whom you deserve and on whom you should focus. Don't settle for Jared.

WC is right. Maybe this would be a good time to focus your energy on yourself. Forget about Jared and look forward to the time when you can be with Marty again, but meanwhile concentrate on things like that psychology degree.

[ThexMrs]

I think this is the heart of the issue. You're getting a payoff out of this. You're willing to settle for a subpar relationship because you get something out of it, and as you've said, something is better than nothing.

Something isn't always better than nothing, though. When you're willing to settle for less, you can lose opportunities to settle for more. If I found a diamond on the street, I wouldn't sell it for $5. $5 is something, and something is better than nothing, but it's not like I have "nothing". I have a diamond that I know will be worth more than $5 to the right person. The opportunity to sell that diamond to someone who knows its true value is worth more to me than the $5 I could get from someone who made me a poor deal.

I love the way you explained this. That is so dead on. Thank you.

Yeah, I do get something out of it. I get sex every few weeks. I get a cuddle buddy every few weeks. That's basically it though. I guess at this point that's better than nothing even though now I'm not supposed to have sex with him anymore. The only thing I can do is leave him for good, not let him come around or... Really lay it out there for him that he is either going to do XYZ or I'm done and will never speak to him again. Really, what's the point? I'm not in love with him.

You can tell all those people they're wrong, and they might even BE wrong, but let me ask you something: what would you have to do to make them right?

Wow... That's a really good and tough question to answer. Yes, I have low self esteem. I don't know why. I think it stems back to my upbringing. My own parents couldn't love me so how could anyone else? I really can't answer your question.

Why are you continuing to try to find a balance with the two of them? WHy not focus on Marty? And on getting your life going in the direction you want?

I don't know... Because I want something I can't have. Maybe it's the chase? It makes me miserable half the time but I feel like I can win eventually. I want Marty. I can't have him. What do I do? I keep building my relationship with him. In the meantime, I hang out with Jared because he's there. He's a filler. I know that's pathetic but it's true.

I am focusing on Marty. I put all of my love and energy into him. Jared I just texted and occasionally see. I guess I just want to know why Jared can't or doesn't love me even though he says he does.

At this point, there is nothing I can do about school. I started Therapy on Monday and she has a connection to a professor at Portland State and she's going to talk to him and see if somehow I can get around the tax problem. In the meantime I'm looking for work. I'm spending time with family. I'm bored, really...

That is, if you really feel as strongly about him as it seems or if maybe you were just settling in the sense that attention from Marty is better than nothing at all. From your explanation it seems that those feelings are as strong as they appear though.

They certainly are! Even my family sees this. I sat down with my auntie and uncle and we talked about Jared and Marty extensively. They asked me all kinds of questions. This went on for about 3 hours. Finally my uncle said, "Everytime I say Marty's name, you light up. When I say Jared, you're like a stone. Your expression doesn't change." Then he proved his point. He said, "Watch... Marty!" And I just lit up. A huge smile crossed my face and I giggled. I can't help it. I love him more than anyone. My uncle also said, "I may not think that Marty is the right person for you but if he makes you that happy then go for it. Just let Jared go."

[Texinator]

I think your uncle is right on the money.

[ThexMrs]

Yeah... He is. But still... I feel like if Marty and I never end up together then I am letting Jared go for nothing. What if... Nevermind. I'm not even going to finish that sentence. We've already addressed the what if's. I'm really frustrated, lol.

[Texinator]

IF Marty and you never end up together, then there will be someone else out there for you who appreciates you as a person and who will be committed to having a physical AND emotional relationship with you. It's the lack of self-esteem and not logical thinking that is trying to convince you otherwise.

[ThexMrs]

You are so right Tex.

I tried talking to Jared last night. That didn't really work out. I texted him and wrote, "You!" just to see if he would reply. Hours later he wrote back, "You!!!" So I thought I'd be playful and I wrote back, "Me? " He said, "Yeah, YOU!!!!!" At that point I didn't know what he was trying to get at so I asked him, "What about me?" He replied, "HOT!" Then he said, "I'm going to miss skin to skin of us making love. " I said, "Well... Unless you want to shell out $30 bucks everytime we have sex, that's how it has to be." He said, "If I'm going to shell out $30 then I might as well cum deep inside you." Grrrrrrrrrr! I wrote, "True. It's not like we have sex more than once a month anyways." Then he wrote, "Ouch." So that gave me a way to go into what I really wanted to talk to him about. I started mentioning how he doesn't take me out, he doesn't come over to see me and spend time, he doesn't ask me how I am or take any interest in my life. He replied, "I suck!!!" I wasn't about to give him any sympathy which was what he was after, I think. I told him how he chooses to suck and it doesn't have to be this way. I said, "I think you are this way because I put up with it and as long as I do, you don't have to try." He just sent me a sad face. I said, "Whenever we talk about this you always disappear." He sent me another sad face so I asked him, "Why am I not worth it? Why am I not good enough?" You know what he said? NOTHING! He disappeared and didn't text me again, he didn't text me at all today either, so far.

I DON'T GET IT!

Oh, I forgot one thing. He did text me amongst the rest of these, "I only want you. "

So I wrote, "Everyone tells me that I should leave you and that you're not good enough for me but I have faith in you. Stop proving them right."

It's so frustrating.