So mixed up

[Jaime]

Hello. I'm new to the board. I am looking for a place to vent to other women. I guess I will start with the issues. Last week, I discovered that my husband of 9 years hired an escort to give him a massage and oral sex. I spent a week away from him and decided to try to save our marriage. We have 3 small children and we have to try. Since he has been back, we are working on communication issues. He has been very apologetic about everything. Last night we had our first fight since getting back together. It was over sex. My side...we have had sex like crazy for days. He was in the mood last night and I just wasn't. It upset him and he said it makes him resent me for saying no. I think that if I'm not in the mood I shouldn't have to do anything. His side...he thinks that I should perform when he asks for it. He says that he is expected to do what I ask him (i.e. laundry, dishes) and therefore I should do what he expects. He wants me to perform with the same level of interest as if I was in the mood. He found lots of articles online supporting his side that a wife should just say yes. My fear is if I don't perform each and every time he wants it, that he is going to cheat again. I don't like being made to do something I don't want to do. Should I have to have sex when I am not in the mood?

[CHANDLERS WISH]

The articles he refers to is based on how to compromise and keep things alive to keep a healthy relationship, which means in general terms either party is encouraged to engage in sex, even when they don't feel like it.

However, your not "meat" and shouldn't be treated as such, if you have sex frequently and sometimes your not in the mood, he should respect that.

You can not put sex and chores into the same catagory, because then you are saying sex is a chore.

Sex should be "intimacy" with love end of story.

CW

[Mes T]

Omg. You should NOT have to have sex if you don't want to!! You shouldn't be forced to do ANYTHING, including sex, dishes, laundry, WHATEVER. ArRRRrrr.

Is there a possibility that he might be a sex addict or something?

I think him hiring an "escort" is pretty much... well, unforgivable, in my book, and it makes me think that he might have an addiction at the very least.

I dunno, I'm just quite upset by this post. I hope you can work through this issue, but I think that he has a lot to answer for.

[Hopeless Dork]

I think somewhere you are thinking that he cheated because of something you weren't providing... and so if you don't provide he will cheat again. What a horrible position to be in.

Dishes and sex and two very different things and require a level of giving of ones self that are vastly incomparable. If a man broke into a home and forced a woman to do her dishes it would be a lot different punishment than if he broke in and forced her to perform sex with him. Gosh I can't believe he could compare the two.

Nor can I believe he thinks its enjoyable to have sex with a marital robot providing a service that she doesn't want to just to keep him from cheating. How in the world could that make him feel like a loving husband?

Questions:

Do you enjoy sex with your husband? Does he fullfill your needs? Does he go out of his way to make sure you are experiencing as much pleasure as he is?

I do think that its fair for a couple to compromise to try to get yourself in the mood for sex sometimes, even if you're not in the mood organically ... in order to please your partner... but compromise means that they too should back off asking sometimes when they know you're not in the mood , even when they are.

There is this invisiable passive aggressive threat now that if you don't do as he says off he goes to an escort possibly, thats no way to live. I hope you are seeking marriage counseling, I hope he realizes that compromise works both ways and that masturbation is always an option for when he's in the mood and you're not... I'm sure he knows how to do it just fine.

[OhThereYouAre]

You know....if you are refusing him sex...that doesn't condone...but it makes sense why he would hire an escort.

If you expect to be his only source of sexual outlet, you should be available as often as possible...and vice versa.

Just saying.

[LanaBear]

It is about compromise, but he's taken it a step further and has broken any type of trust there may have been between the two of you. I can't even imagine what could be going through your mind right now.

The two of you need to reconnect on what brought you together. Yeah, you have kids and it won't be the same as it was before, but it should be growing in a different way, not going backwards. It will take a bit to get back on an even playing field again, where neither of you feel you have to make the effort of compromising, but with work, it can happen.

With that said, I'm still pretty peeved that he actually hired an escort, I mean, really?

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Cheating is cheating and he's not "discussing" he's "telling" and excusing himself, ..for what he did. You've just given him um-teen nights of "sex" and when you say your not in the mood he brings up "chores" therefore, it's your "chore?".

Sorry OTYA, I way disagree... He's demanding it when "he wants it" yet she has given.

[caterpillar79]

But then, looking at some antecedents, it might have propelled the "escort request" - he is thirsty he needed quenching. I am not saying what he did is justifiable. My argument is that, once we are in a relationship, we take responsibility in fulfilling our partner's needs because we love him/her. Taking it to the next level or the pragmatic perspective...we, on our quest to keep the relationship alive and balanced, would rather change how we perceive things in this realm in order to be able to give even if we don't feel like it...meaning, I'd rather make sure he is well-fed even if I would exert an extra effort "cooking", rather than see him "feeding" on food served in a restaurant.

But being forced to it against my will and I have aired it that I really DON'T want to do it is a different thing, It is rape.

But compromise is needed to some extent to keep the harmony. That's my take on this.

[OhThereYouAre]

My argument is that, once we are in a relationship, we take responsibility in fulfilling our partner's needs because we love him/her.

...compromise is needed to some extent to keep the harmony. That's my take on this.

Very well written.

[OhThereYouAre]

Sorry OTYA, I way disagree... He's demanding it when "he wants it" yet she has given.

CW - One person's definition of "sex like crazy" can vary greatly from another's definition of "sex like crazy."