So mixed up

[KMonte85]

With three small children to take care of, is it any wonder that you could possibly not be in the mood once in a while?! My goodness! I get tired just thinking about that! How much does he help you with the home - kids, cleaning, cooking, taking care of the dog, etc?

I've seen and experienced myself how much a woman's sex drive will increase when she isn't spending ALL her energy taking care of a house and children by herself. When the kids are in bed and the laundry is folded, its all some women can do to make it to their own beds before passing out for some MUCH NEEDED rest. Especially when those women work fulltime jobs as well. With a little help around the house, and some extra energy to expend, a woman can blossom into a sexual being.


Not sure if this could be the issue here or not, but thought it rang true with why some women are "just not in the mood" more often than their partners. Myself included at times!

[WildChild]

Sounds like there are issues beyond sex here. Paid or not - he cheated. Yet he is apparently holding that up as a stick to get your compliance to his wishes. HD is right, dishes are one thing, sex is another (loved that analogy of the break in) And CW put it well, that he is equating sex with chores. That's not a very loving attitude.

How affectionate is he? How much foreplay is there? A lot of men once their wife learned about the cheating would be facing a tough road to re-establish trust and any kind of willingness for sex with him. Yet you have taken the high road and tried to be more sexually responsive and he isn't appreciating that.

You could make your point about his attitude and post a nice big chores list: dishes, vacuum, cook dinner,sex, return library books, yard work, dusting, lay down and spread your legs, clean the bathroom, laundry, bj, sweep garage.
And then ask him, is that really the attitude he wants?
Sex in a committed relationship should be a sharing and joining. A loving, fun or playful event - not one more thing on the list.

[KMonte85]

post a nice big chores list: dishes, vacuum, cook dinner,sex, return library books, yard work, dusting, lay down and spread your legs, clean the bathroom, laundry, bj, sweep garage.

I would love to see a chores list like that posted on my fridge

But I'd say sex before cooking dinner.. that way no cramps from strenuous activity after eating a large meal


but back to the subject at hand, WC's got it right. He cheated, you're trying to continue to be receptive to him sexually - perhaps he should respect what you are already doing for him since many women would have cut him off IMMEDIATELY and/or for at least the next 6 months until he could get any potential STD's tested.

[Jaime]

There are so many things that add to the situation. He has worked offshore for 3 years. Basically I am a single parent for 3 weeks. I am exhausted. In the last year, I have had a miscarriage, started and finished grad school in 10 months, and had our 3rd child. She is 4 months old now. I thought I was doing pretty great to be able and willing to 'perform' at least 3 times a week when he is home.

Needless to say, we have major communication issues. I am trying to work through everything and save our marriage. The latest fight is scary to me. I know that I need to meet his needs. If there was a huge cap in times I could understand but if every night of the week we are together and one night I need a break. It shouldnt have been a big deal.

At the moment, I dont have a neutral party to speak to. Family and friends mean well but they cause more issues. Counseling is starting next week. Until then, I just need to get some of these feelings out.

Sorry for the unorganized thoughts. I am normally pretty sane and able to write. Lately, my mind is just tired. Thanks.

[WildChild]

Sounds like you are both under a lot of stress but of different types. He's off in a very male world 3 weeks at a time, while you have unrelieved momminess. Communication is key in all cases but esspecially with this type of situation. With him home for just one week out of three the two of you need to balance time together, time with the kids and some time on your own - that probably more for him just to catch up with personal care and freinds.

Do you have any child care options? I assume you do if you were attending classes. While he is gone you need a balance between being a mom, work (in or out of your home) and time for yourself. Can you hire a teen or enlist a freind to trade childcare so you can get the house clean without interuption, take a relaxed bath, or just go for a walk on your own? This would help lower your stress levels while your husband is away so that you don't feel so much of a need to have him pick up some of the slack for you when he is home.

Can the two of you create a plan or schedule for his home times? Maybe the first day is family home time and he and the kids can just get in some play and snuggling and story reading such. Plan a home cooked meal with everyone helping out? Even the little ones can put napkins on the table or something to help. Then early bedtime for the kids so the two of you can have time for intimacy?
Perhaps the second day he can do errands, appts whatever he needs and you can get a sitter and the two of you go out on a date?
You don't have to be hard core scheduled but if you have a plan then you may be better able to balance both your needs and your children's needs.

[Jaime]

Well, since getting back together, we have made some radical life changes. He quit is job to stay home with the kids for awhile until a local job can be found. I work and make enough money to support the family. We can't work on the marriage with him gone. He has been very sorry about everything he did. He seems to understand how much I have had to endure over the 9 years of our marriage. He has been taking this new role as house dad seriously. Cooking, cleaning, child care, laundry, etc. It has relieved so much pressure from me which has started to increase my desire. Things are slowly improving which is wonderful. The fight over not being in the mood was really crazy and scary for me. I am affraid that he has unrealistic expectations about our sex life. Maybe I am just being stubborn but if I don't want to do it, I don't want to do it.

[OhThereYouAre]

Maybe I am just being stubborn but if I don't want to do it, I don't want to do it.

Good for you both. I am truly glad to hear that things are looking up.

Please don't think for a second that I condone cheating. I think it's the most awful things someone could do to their significant other. It's one of the things I personally *will not* tolerate.

Couple things.

Despite popular belief, there are other aspects to sex- independent of sexual release- that men look for. We too, can think that our women don't find us attractive or sexy enough. We too, can get the idea that we are not wanted. We too, can feel rejected. When you have a certain sex drive...it's hard to imagine how another person couldn't.

I'm not suggesting any particular course of action, just putting some ideas out there.

Good luck to you both.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Yeah, and I guess the other thing is this.

In re-reading the thread... the "sex" component "like crazy" occured "after" the escort, so we don't really know what happened before the escort, ie) next to no sex a case of maybe a little too late? So, maybe I don't way disagree after all.

Love what you wrote Cat... it's true, we have to compromise.

I guess I'm erked over his comments and basically saying if he has to do his chores, such as laundry, whether she wants sex or not, she has to do her chores such as sex and even if she's not in the mood and in addition, she has to act like she's in the mood..

There I think it's erked me, it's like " I beg your pardon?".....

CW

[Jaime]

Before the escort, I thought our sex life was 'normal' or as normal as it could be with him gone and 2 small children at the time. At least 3 times during the week he was home. Multiple times I have offered to participate even if I didn't want it. It would him off when I would say, "I don't really want to but we can if you want to." That wasn't/isn't good enough. He wants me to not tell him when I don't want to. Just do it. I want to be a good wife and I want to make him happy. I just worry that I am not enough or I don't do enough.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I don't think 3 times a week is something, someone should complain about..

I think telling your partner, you don't want to but can if he wants to is like saying I'm not interested in "you"... I can see why he didn't like the comment.

I think that this is the core issue here... Your making him feel like you don't want him, not sex, him...

CW