So mixed up

[OhThereYouAre]

I guess he hasn't been a decent man then.

That's really not such a nice thing to say about your husband. If this is true, why did you marry him in the first place? Why did you choose to have 3 children with him?

We have always had a one sided marriage. Even before he started this offshore job, I carried the load. Before his offshore job, he worked 3 days and would have 4 days off. Or he would work 4 days and have 3 days off. Basically, each week he had 3 to 4 days off. He did nothing to contribute to the household. During that time I worked 2 jobs, was in school full time, and was president of two clubs. I had to do all the bill paying, housework, grocery shopping, etc.

He was working 3 12's, right? Are you implying he was working for free? His paycheck didn't go toward bills, or his children? He didn't watch the children when you were at work on his days off? That doesn't sound believable.

You worked two jobs? Did those two jobs pay as much as your husband's one job? Were they as demanding?

Good job on school. But you'll get no sympathy from me, I worked full time while I was in school.

President of 2 clubs? Well, if its too much, you should have stepped down for the good of your family, shouldn't you have?

I dunno, i'm finding this further explanation hard to believe because the very first post you made you mentioned how he does chores around the house. But now when you are trying to prove a point he doesn't do anything?

[Jaime]

He is doing chores now for the first time in 9 years. I have always made just as much or more money than him. He was working 12s long before we had children. We had children after I graduated with my bachelors degree. He had no excuse for his laziness. He spent ALL of his time on the computer and left everything for me to do. While working on my degrees, I have always been very active. I have been working to better myself. I now have a masters degree. I don't regret being active. I don't regret being president of two clubs. I wasn't forced to do them.

There is no denying that he has been a lazy, selfish man for 9 years. I cannot be faulted for bettering myself and doing things with my time that are productive. Since we have gotten back together. He is admitting that he has been a selfish jerk. He is now working hard to improve himself and he is now cleaning cooking, etc.

Back to my original issues, if we have sex for days, and 1 day I want a break, what is the problem with that? I cannot be expected to perform everytime he feels the need.

[KMonte85]

If its any consolation, Dear Prudence tackled a writer's problem that was very similar to yours earlier this week - husband wanted sex daily, sometimes more. Wife would try to keep up, but the effort would decrease after a week or so of constant sex. Not sure if you read her columns or not, but she definitely sided with the wife, saying he might want to try taking his needs into his own hands (literally) when she needed a break.

If libidos do not match, both parties need to compromise. You're having sex with your husband almost daily to try to meet his needs. He should respect your need for a break. I can see how he relates sex with you and your connection/intimacy as a couple. But I'm sure he's not buying you flowers and giving you footrubs every day of the week either, something that perhaps makes you feel happy in the relationship?

Who is compromising here?

[OhThereYouAre]

Back to my original issues, if we have sex for days, and 1 day I want a break, what is the problem with that? I cannot be expected to perform everytime he feels the need.

Here's likely what he's thinking:

You've made it clear you want sex 0 times a week.

He's indicated he wants it 7 times a week.

You've grudgingly compromised to 3-4 times a week. Kudos to you I might add....let's be honest, he cheated on you.....so kudos to you.

But you've done it grudgingly. He's worried that if he doesn't keep up his harangue that it will eventually fall back to 0 times a week. Hence his willingness to help around the house. He's worried, that if he gives a little in the compromise things will eventually revert. In addition, he is likely seeking your approval after his transgression. To him, sex = everything is all good.

For what it's worth, if I propositioned my fiance for sex and she declined, I'd back off. But i'd be hurt.

She works longer hours than I but has always made herself available to me. I do the same for her. It's just an agreement we have that makes things run smoothly. The fact that neither of us masturbate makes this agreement very easy to uphold.

Good luck to you guys.

[Jaime]

No, I don't want sex 0 times a week. I am good with 3 to 4 a week. He wants an unlimitted number of times it seems. I am not totally dried up and uninterested. I like it and want it too. I just seriously need to be able to take a break without fear that he is going to hire another . When we have it, it is good. I participate and enjoy it. How do I get him to compromise without being offended.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Jamie, you said that you enjoyed the sex the three times a week, obviously you have feelings for him and that's great.

You said that there is some councelling going to occur, that may be the key I think.

KMonte's post is very interesting.

I think that there is fear on both sides, really.

He may hold guilt and is trying to push all the blame onto you, by making you feel guilty over sex, in effect, it gives him the card for what he did wrong..

You say it's difficult to communicate with him and often people, if they have done wrong, will "blame" the other person . In this instance, it's sex... He slept with someone paid or not. And, by him constantly demanding more sex and saying you should just put up and shut up, it's like blaming you for him having the sex to start with which is un-called for in my books. Un-fair, especially if you were having sex 3 times a week, "wanting to", not grudgingly as you stated a few posts back.

He must have a higher sex drive than you but didn't this show like 9 years ago and throughout that period of time?

CW

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I have had a miscarriage, started and finished grad school in 10 months, and had our 3rd child. She is 4 months old now.

Hey Jamie, I missed this bit. That must have been extremely difficult for you both and I'm sorry for your loss back then...

I want to be a good wife and I want to make him happy. I just worry that I am not enough or I don't do enough.

In re-reading that whole post, tired, etc... Have you ever considered that maybe your talking on too much? Study, degrees, 2 jobs, volunteer work, housework, children, husband.. It's a lot sweet. I would be tired as well...

I wonder as your husband worked long shifts, obviously to bring in good money to the home, whether there was a distance, and so you filled that time to replace the lonliness? And, I do believe that the fact that your worried about "enough" of anything, means that 1) your stressed and doing to much and 2) You love your husband and it's a good thing for now that he's home, not working, you can both build that bond that it seems to me that you both really need. Ever think that maybe he was lonley too? Had a lot on his mind? Needed a way to release? That can occur through sex/through Computers/through watching TV.. Just a need to release just like you...

Maybe this new arrangement is a god sent I think.

I think that this is the core issue here... Your making him feel like you don't want him, not sex, him...

In addition, maybe you need to be held....

Keep smiling. And let us know how the councelling goes, I am tending to think everything is going to work out fine...

[Jaime]

9 years is a long time to build up issues. 9 years of unmet expectations and 9 years of disappointment on both sides. We have a lot to work through. So far, things are coming along. He is really a great guy in so many ways. I would have never thought he would do anything to hurt me. I would have never thought he would hire an escort. If I had to picture an affair, it would have been in the heat of the moment thing. Not something planned and paid for.

It is such a struggle right now. The issues are now invading my dreams. I had horrible nightmares last night and i still can't shake them.

Thanks for giving me a place to vent.

[WildChild]

Writing can help to clear things from your mind. Give it a try? Sometimes I'll really vent on paper and then burn it.
LOL one time I did that and put it all in the dumpster and it wasn't quite out - caught the stuff in the dumpster on fire, had to grab the hose, it wouldn't quite reach. So I to spray from a distance. By the time I dealt with all that my attitude had done a turn around - I wouldn't recommend this particularly though.