Sex therapy

**StillLearnin** · 11-05-2009 07:03 AM

I'm planning on my wife and I going to a sex therapist soon to help us along faster than trying to figure this thing out on our own. She has a lot of hangups and fears that I've been dealing with for 25 years. I just can't do this any longer. We need a professional mediator to help us work through the issues. So I'm wanting to find a female therapist that she feels totally comfortable with so she'll be able to open up to and be open minded with.

When I brought it up last night she was so defensive about it. And she said that she would prefer to get some books and it be "home taught." I reminded her that I did get her some books and that she never even cracked them open to have a look. We've, or I, have already tried that approach.

And whenever I try to talk to her about anything regarding sex, like to learn what she likes, about trying new positions, about why she won't let me touch her, etc. she has always gone mute. She'll just sit there not looking at me and avoiding the topic. I've been dealing with this for 25 years, and have had about as much of that as I can stand.

I don't really know exactly what a sex therapist would do to help us. How might a session go? What would we talk about, and what might she suggest we do at home to work through these issues? Will I need to bring a tissue box for my wife?

**WildChild** · 11-05-2009 08:23 AM

It's hard to say what the results might be. You can't make someone change, they have to do that. They are highly trained professionals - it's 6 to 8 yrs of education and should be good at helping you both be comfortable and open up.

**OhThereYouAre** · 11-05-2009 08:23 AM

I always thought the same thing myself.

Therapists are people just like us. They have their own set of problems and hangups with their own lives. I guess its the piece of paper behind the desk that gives them the authority. Imagine a divorced marriage counselor.

I usually only take advice from people I know and trust implicitly- who display success in the areas i'm seeking assistance. My father and my father in law are two shining examples.

It really helps if you go into a learning experience with an open, non prejudiced mind. I hope she can do this. 25 years is a long time.

Really....get a referral from someone you respect and trust. Therapists and lawyers are a dime a dozen. Finding a good one can be tough.

Best of luck to you two.

**pretzel** · 11-05-2009 08:48 AM

Originally Posted by StillLearnin

I'm planning on my wife and I going to a sex therapist soon to help us along faster than trying to figure this thing out on our own. She has a lot of hangups and fears that I've been dealing with for 25 years. I just can't do this any longer. We need a professional mediator to help us work through the issues. So I'm wanting to find a female therapist that she feels totally comfortable with so she'll be able to open up to and be open minded with.

When I brought it up last night she was so defensive about it. And she said that she would prefer to get some books and it be "home taught." I reminded her that I did get her some books and that she never even cracked them open to have a look. We've, or I, have already tried that approach.

And whenever I try to talk to her about anything regarding sex, like to learn what she likes, about trying new positions, about why she won't let me touch her, etc. she has always gone mute. She'll just sit there not looking at me and avoiding the topic. I've been dealing with this for 25 years, and have had about as much of that as I can stand.

I don't really know exactly what a sex therapist would do to help us. How might a session go? What would we talk about, and what might she suggest we do at home to work through these issues? Will I need to bring a tissue box for my wife?

Still, hope your wife will agree. However, I'm a bit hesitant. It still sounds like she's slowly easing back into a comfortable (for her anyway) sex life again. I'd be afraid that she may feel a sex therapist will be an indication of something wrong with her. I'd hate to have my wife feel that way.

From all the past conversations here, I would like to think I have a basic understanding of what you're hoping for. I'd be catious about too much too soon.

Instead of books, try printing articles from good internet sites. Ask here about some good articles that she can read in about 15-20 minutes at a time. She may not feel as pressured?

**Loveshoes** · 11-05-2009 09:31 AM

I would just be careful. I understand that you have been patient and waiting. If she shuts down like that and won't discuss it with you, it sounds like she is nervous, but also ashamed. I don't know why or what has happened but something has shut that lady down. Most people might not open up completely, but if each time you talk to her about sex and she sits quietly not looking at you or moving, then something is wrong. Does she view it as being dirty? Has something in her past, perhaps even before she met you, caused her trauma so that she can't view sex as fun, tantalizing, and pleasurable? I think you may need to get to the bottom of that before you will be able to move forward with her. I'm sorry you are both having such problems. Sex is one of the best things in the world. If its with someone that you love, care for and have emotional ties to, its the only time that you get to have each other all to yourselves. No outside world pressing in, no kids calling for something, no one needing you or being pulled in 5 different directions at the same time. Its just you and her and nothing else matters.

Be careful what you push her into...I wish she felt that she could open up to you. It would make it much easier to help her.

**rcoreyus** · 11-05-2009 09:47 AM

You've been trying for 25 years - this is probably worth it if you can get her to go. Don't know how it will work though. My wife and I went to a therapist once - completely useless, but ymmv.

good luck

**OhThereYouAre** · 11-05-2009 10:45 AM

Originally Posted by rcoreyus

My wife and I went to a therapist once - completely useless, but ymmv.

What was your experience...if you don't mind my asking.

**Theresa** · 11-05-2009 11:07 AM

I have also bought books and have talked to my DH till I am blue in the face and I am getting nowhere.

I have thought about a sex therapist but I think that it is a lost cause. If you don't want to make you sex life work, not even a sex therapist will change his mind.

I am not sure if this has been asked but has your wife seen a doctor. Maybe it is a medical issue????

**StillLearnin** · 11-05-2009 11:51 AM

She won't go see a doctor specifically for this. I've suggested getting a hormone test and whatever else the doctor suggests.
And I too have talked to her until I'm blue in the face. It wasn't until recently when she seemed to reach a positive turning point.
I need to help this process along because it is driving me insane.

**StillLearnin** · 11-05-2009 01:02 PM

I'm being hopeful that she'll go, and relax enough to get something out of it.
I've been living on hope for a looong time. A little longer won't kill me.
I have a lot of years invested with her, and children. So I'm doing everything I can to try to make this work.