Can't get over my abortion

[Melephant]

I'm not sure if this is the right place to post a thread like this, but i could really use some help. Will try to make this post as short as possible but if it gets quite long, i apologise.

Early August this year i discovered i was pregnant. Was a complete shock to both my fiance and i, we were being safe and i have problems with my ovaries and my fiance also has fertility problems so we never thought this would happen. My partner is very keen to have kids one day, we even talked about adoption (a long way down the line) as we thought we wouldn't be able to concieve.

I've always said people can do as they wish with their own bodies and it's nobody elses business but, personally, the only time i would ever consider an abortion is if i concieved through rape.
I guess plans don't always work out. We have been struggling with money (as most people have recently, thanks to the government), so much so we are barely surviving. I'm only 20 and am currently struggling to find work while my fiance works long hours, doing a dangerous job which is affecting his health. Our house is literally falling apart and we are in debt.

After a very long and emotional talk, my fiance and i decided it would be best to abort the pregnancy. Turning up to our appointment at the clinic, we were both near tears and i was lead away into a private room, to which my fiance wasn't allowed. The lady did a scan of my stomach and i told me i was nearly seven weeks gone. I then made the mistake of asking to see the scan picture and i burst into tears. But i knew it was for the best and i went ahead with the abortion. I took the pill that morning and returned to the clinic six hours later and this is where the real trouble began.

I had to have the second pill inserted by a nurse (which no-one though to tell me) and she was really rough with me. She really hurt me and i was humiliated. When we got back home the pain started. It was agony, i never thought it would be that bad. For the rest of the day i was literally screaming in agony, throwing up uncontrollably and bleeding so heavily i soaked through a sanitary towel in half an hour and i didn't stop bleeding for another three weeks.

Three months on and i'm on the contraceptive pill, my fiance has moved on and we are planning our wedding next year. But i'm still not over my abortion. The whole proceedure left me feeling violated and dirty, i have this constant, strong feeling of guilt and shame.
I keep thinking about all the people who are desperate to concieve, my little baby which i and the man i love made and i can't stop crying over it. But i can't confide in my fiance because he is stressed out enough as it is and he doesn't like thinking about the past. But i just can't forget what i did, i hate myself for it.

How do i get through this?
And, one thought that won't leave my head... Did my baby have a heart beat? I really don't know the answer to this one, when does it develope a heartbeat? I think it would be easier to deal with if i knew.

Thank you for reading my post, it was longer than i expected

[WildChild]

Sweetie,
You were treated traumatically, that is inexcusable but it happens. There are people in medicine who allow their personal beliefs to colour their treatment of the patients they work with. It sounds like you dealt with one. In the US this affects sex education, situations of pharmacists who refuse to fill prescriptions for BC or MAPs, as well as health care provider attitudes and behaviors. I would venture a guess you have some religious background that frowns on this as well?

You and your fiancee considered your situation and options and made a decision based on what was best for you. You acted maturely and in a reasoned manner. In all probability no matter what choice you made, you would be dealing with some heartache. If you gave a child up for adoption you would always be wondering if they were well cared for and if you'd made the right choice. If you carried and kept the baby you would be living with the financial and emotional stress of raising and caring for a child you weren't really ready for at this time.

Whether the fetus had a heartbeat or not, it was a long, long way from being able to survive outside your body. I don't know what your beliefs are but I do believe that the energy which distinguishes the living from the innanimate cannot be destroyed and that we all go through many life cycles, learning, developing and evolving. Some people believe that life energy doesn't enter a developing baby until the time it able survive out of the womb, others think it comes earlier or later, but nothing can cause that energy or soul, if you will, to cease. It will know that it wasn't the right time. Send it love and yourself love, take some time to heal and let it go. You will be fine when you do.

[LanaBear]

Please please please go talk to someone, get some grief counseling. Hopefully that will help.

It's something that, yes, you will probably think of for the rest of your life. But it also sounds like the procedure in itself was a horrible experience for you. It was obviously very traumatic, combined with all the emotions you were and are now currently going through, it's not going to be easy and it will take a while to come to terms with.

Everyone has their own beliefs on the subject, don't let anybody judge you as a person based on your decision.

Good luck to the two of you and your future.

[Melephant]

Yeah, it's a shame cos they choose to do that job so they're just as 'bad' as the women having the abortions. No, i have no religious background, it's just my take on it. I think every woman's body is her own business and no-one has a right to judge, it was just something i had ever planned on happening, but i guess no-one ever does.

I like to think energy can ever be destroyed, it's a nice idea. Thank you for your help
Nobody else knows what i did, i could never admit it (to people who know who i am), i just can't help feel bad about it but i hope i will get over it one day, or come to terms with it.
Thank you both for replying, you did help

[the wench]

i no just how you feel....had 1 last year...its more the emotional side of pain anger grief and guilt that effected me. its not something i would take kindly to advising someone 2 do or 4 me 2 do it again...its just a horrible feeling.
i cant help but think this would be "its" 1st xmas and the other dates you pinpoint in childrens lives but it gets you nowhere but feeling empty lost and guilt ridden.
i no what i did was for the best at that time for mysel my partner and also the 2 children i already have so i shouldnt feel this way u would think...but the emotions dont just go awayits never talked about and this could be 4 the best or the worst?....over time though its got alot easier i must admit so time is a healer as they say and ive just became a godmother yesterday so i will be concentrating on his 1st xmas instead

[sperosi]

it is obvious you were treated very badly by the nurse. i agree with the first reply, you made the best choice for you at the time, and i dont think you should hate yourself for it. sometimes we make the right choice and it still hurts badly, this is one of those times.

I do think that you shouldn't keep this to yourself, and counseling may be something you should consider and follow through on. I do think it is more important that you do speak with your fiance about it. I know you said it'll stress him out and he just wants to move forward but what relationship can the two of you have if you can't speak with the man who loves you about what is bothering you? if you cant tlak with him now about something this serious in your life, do you really think it will get any easier to talk about hard things later on? i'm not sure it does.

[sourpuss]

So sorry to hear you had a bad experience dealing with an already hard decision. That should never happen. Just trust in the fact that you made the right decision for your family. I was told by a doctor once that women have abortions because they want to be good mothers. Plain and simple. You and your fiance love one another very much and made the decision that, at the time you weren't in a position to provide the best life for a child.

I have a feeling that if your experience at the clinic had been more compassionate and nurturing you would feel differently right now. And that is just too unfortunate. But please forgive yourself.

[Futureboy]

Get professional help. I used to go out with a girl who had an aborsion before me her self esteem was very low and didn't enjoy vaginal sex very much.

I met her years later with two kids she was very happy.


Put it behind you as best you can, work on getting the things you think you need to be a good parent and become one.

Try and smile everyday even if it hurts

A big hug from everyone on this thread

[Beautiful Disaster]

You have much kindness in your heart, lots of compassion. One day, if you choose, you and your love will have children,beautiful children and you will love them unconditionally. IF you find a way to find strength from this, to grow from this, to FORGIVE......you have so much to look forward to.

**edited for sensitivity reasons**

Right now I think part of your hurt is the fact that this is such a secret. People can be cruel, I don't blame you for wanting to keep it to yourselves. But it will eat you alive from the inside out.....you must find someone to talk to, both of you...preferably a therapist. Your marriage, your future, your lives depend on it.

I'm pro life, except like you said in situations of proven rape. But I, being pro life do not judge you. I do not think you're a bad person (nor does anyone else here that cared enough to respond). I do think you have a big heart, and lots of love.
What matters is how you feel inside and how you're going to deal with your future? How are you going to be a wonderful wife? And how are you going to be a wonderful mother someday when you both are ready?

You are not alone. You will see that here for sure. Telling us here, that's your first step. I commend you for that. Now find you two (or just you if he won't go) a therapist. Your future depends on it.

[shyone]

i recently had almost the EXACT same situation. i was 20, he was 20. it was 6 days before i turned 21, we are both in the military. military doesnt support abortion, so i had to take it out of my own pocket and my own leave.

and it was the best decision. i dont regret it, what i do regret is being in the situation to begin with. i LOVE children and i want 4, however, at that time it wasnt a good place to be.

i had to forgive myself and him. I discovered i blamed him as well for letting me do it. he also had his own blame issues. we talked and talked and cried, but we made it through. you will too.

my experience was much better than yours, however they made me listen to the heartbeat twice. i fell in love. so it broke my heart to terminate the pregnancy. i have resulting issues with sex, but im working them out.

my heart goes out to you. *hugs*