Father nasty to me

[Gamma]

Hi, WildChild

Sorry I could not reply immediately.

None of us has had a job but the only reason I myself has not had a job is because of my health problems as my doctors and specialists told me to refrain as they are worried it could make my prblems worse until they can get some sort of answers and now I am still waiting for those answers as I want a job and cannot estimate when they will give me the answers so I can start applying and get out there. I am not lazy and have never been. I want a job as it would make me feel I was contributing to society and also is good to help me to get out more. I am studying for a reason. To better my career aspects and opportunities and to improve my skills to enable me to complete tasks to the employer's standards.

My father is not employed at the moment. He used to do contracts.

He is violent in that he says nasty things that no family member should even say and I am not going to mention them on here as they are not very nice and I do not want to break any rules about using language on here as a lot of what he says is also using bad and foul language (swear words). Basically verbal abuse. Thankfully he has not laid a hand on me otherwise I would be reporting it. Verbal abuse, no matter how minor someone may think it is, can turn into physical violence so it is still something that has the potential. He says things to all of us (my mother and sister included). It is not just me.

I do help out around the house and do things that I can see need doing when I walk around the house and offer to help my mother when she is doing stuff.

I want to work in healthcare as it has always been something I was interested in. I want a career where I actually make a difference to people. I do not mind working with doctors when I am not the patient. I did work experience before I had all these health problems and I got on well with them and found them to be very friendly when I was with them on a casual basis and not the patient. The problems for me arise when I am actually the patient.

I am over in the UK and went to a public college, funded by the government as there is no way we could have ever afforded to pay for an education. I feel extremely lucky in that it was governemnt funded otherwise I would not have had any opportunities as I would have not had any qualifications.

I am an extremely ambitious person and have always strived for perfection and to better myself.

No, I did not complete a degree but I got other qualifications, such as vocationally related ones which are equivelent to A levels as I did up to level 3.

I went to A+E and got the catheter as my urinary retention was real and tests had proved it was. They didn't really have a leg to stand on in their claims of such rubbish. It was just that they would not admit it so I decided to take matters into my own hands and went to A+E. They checked my residuel and it was retention so they decided to catheterise me as I was suffering. I suffered 24/7 for a year until I had this catheter. I would still be suffering now if I did not make that move. Sometimes when others are ignoring your symptoms you have to take control which is what I did. I am happy I did.

The only doctors who found those problems with my spine were the radiologists who actually read the MRIs and X-rays. The spine surgeons were a waste of time. There was absolutely no point in seeing them as they could not be bothered to help me. The prognosis? I wasn't even given one! I have no idea about that.

Unfortunately I cannot have such a happy positive attitude towards people who either do not understand who act like I should be so happy even though I am not. It is not possible. How is it possible to be so positive with such negative people around? Please do tell me that as I would like to know.

No, it is not my place to teach him manners as I am, probably by your view, too young to be able to know how? What do you mean by this? Please clarify that one as I would also like to know. Why is it not my place? So you are saying it is OK for him to treat people, including family members, in the way he does? Why is that justified? No wonder there are so many bad mannered people. No one bothers to take a stand against it.

I can understand the part about being polite and gracious but unfortunately I only feel like that towards the people who treat me with respect. Why should I have to be nice to someone that does not treat me with respect? I have tried that anyway, makes no difference, just makes me feel like he gets away with being mean when I am being nice. It definitely would not make the situation any worse though so may be worth a test (again).

To further my education and improve my employability I have decided to enrol on a maths course to get my maths up to scratch as it is one of my weaknesses as regards subjects.

Many thanks for your post and I do appreciate people's help.

Kind regards

Gamma

[WildChild]

It is not your place to teach your father manners because he is your father. You are living in his house and dependant. However much you dislike his attitude, you do not serve yourself or any purpose by not being polite. Being polite is not an admission that his behavior is acceptable but rather it is a way of making a difficult situation more bearable for all. You have reached 21 and your father's behavior has not been physically violent, I doubt very much it will become so.

Are you aware that catheter use can create problems such as bacterial infections? And that reliance on such devices can reduce your body's ability to eliminate on it's own? You should seek a better long term answer. Appropriate exersize can do wonders for many problems, back and spine trouble particularly. I know of two programs developed specifically for this; check into Classical Stretch with Miranda Esmonde White and Callanetics. Both were developed by women with severe back problems to alleviate those problems. You may find them very helpful.

You may want to ease up on striving for perfection, it doesn't exist. Rather, strive for excellence and try to have some fun doing it.

[Gamma]

Hi, WildChild

Yes, I am aware of those dangers but had no choice as I was in constant pain and anyone with constant pain would try and find some sort of relief. I have urine retention and there are no other 'better long term answers' to this unfortunately. There are four and all have side effects and come with risks as does lots of things. I have spoken to my urological clinical specialist nurse and urologists and they advised that the treatment options are: Interstim implant (side effects can be severe on this, such as bowel problems and pain in legs), suprapubic catheter (less risks, compared to Interstim but still contains to a lesser extent in comparison to urethral indwelling catheter an element of infection and other similar side effects), urethral indwelling catheter (what I have got now and has a highest rate of infection compared to both suprapubic and self cathing) and last of all self cathing (still higher rate of infection compared to suprapubic catheter but lower rate than urethral indwelling catheter). Unfortunately there are only so many treatments for urinary retention compared to many other conditions. I chose the suprapubic as it seems to be the best out of them all. There is not much choice really. I tried self cathing first and found it way too painful to perform, even with numbing gel (I still have feeling down there and my urethra is very sensitive to things being stuck up it) and also could not do it most of the time due to the pain factor and also my spine condition making it really difficult as I get acute episodes of back pain where I would have to rely on others to cath me which they didn't want to do so it went untreated for a while as I could not cope so I decided it was not the long term solution for me that would work, although it does for quite a few people. Not everybody is suitable for particular treatments and unfortunately I found that through experience. As doctors did not listen to my difficulties that was when I decided to go to A+E to get another solution. Nobody wants to suffer 24/7 and I had suffered this for a year or more. It was making me depressed and fed up. There is no reason to suffer.

What option would you choose in my situation? Just out of interest...

Another thing, do you suffer from back pain? Mine is never eleviated by exercise but only made worse. It is only relieved with bed rest or lying flat. Leads me to think I have a bit more than people think...maybe a slipped disk.

Many thanks for getting back to me and I will have a look at those exercises anyway and try them once I get some form of a diagnosis that I can trust, which I haven't yet unfortunately. I do not want to make my back problem worse which is what happened when I was prescribed physiotherapy as that was when my bladder retention happened - now they will not admit to causing it but I think it is definitely connected. There needs to always be precaustions when dealing with back problems as they can be made a lot worse or, like me, new symptoms and problems caused, such as bladder and bowel. I now want an up-to-date MRI to check out the extent of the damage caused since that physiotherapy as the MRIs are not even updated since before that happened.

Needless to say, I have not bothered with physiotherapy as it did not improve my back and only made the pain worse. I used to be in severe pain afterwards. My body was telling me to stop so I did. I listen to my body as it knows what is best.

Kind regards

Gamma

[KMonte85]

Gamma, can you tell me why your doctors do not want you working? There are many employment opportunities that are low impact, some even that would allow you to work from home if need be. Ask them if they will give you some sort of permission to do something...

Also, if you are absolutely not able to work - are you getting any sort of government assistance?? I am not sure what is available to people with medical disabilities in the UK, but in the US these people receive social security (monthly checks) to live off of, as well as housing assistance, food assistance, and services like free counciling. Have you looked into any of these options?

It seems to me like you are so frustrated because of your circumstances that you have sort of stopped looking for ways out, and are more focused on dealing with the cards you were dealt... continuing your education is DEFINITELY a step towards a better life, but I think if you do some research you will find more opportunities as well!

[WildChild]

I would venture a guess that you may have a pinched nerve, which could account for both conditions and for a lack of anything that a surgeon could pin point. A good bio-physical chiopractor should be able to put that right fairly quickly.

[Gamma]

Hi, KMonte85 and WildChild

All my doctors said is that they do not want me working as they have no definite and diagnosis to say that it would not make my condition worse and I took their advice at the time as back problems are not something to be taken lightly. They also said that it would not seve any purpose in helping my recovery and could make whatever it is worse. That is pretty much all they said. Obviously I will apply for jobs as soon as they give me a definite diagnosis as I am not sure what it is that I have entirely and prefer to be cautious as it is too late once it is done.

My family doctor told me to apply for disability benefit temporarely while they look into what I have got.

I have not stopped looking for ways out - I am not that type. Never was. I am more determined than people like to give me credit for. I am just following advice and being cautious. Health is never something that should be played with. I am tempted to find a part time job of some kind, such as admin in a hospital or something like that where there is no physical strain. Obviously full time will never be an option for me as I could never manage it but at least I could do part time which is better than nothing. It would definitely help me get out of the house for a while.

I would not let anyone touch my back until they knew what they were looking at and what they were doing. Does a pinched nerve show on MRI? I thought it would have as it says no nerve involvement or entrapment. What would a bio-physical chiropractor do though? I have seen and read about so many people also crippled by having such treatments. Just wondering...

Kind regards

Gamma

[cep4219]

I have been diagnosed with neurogenic bladder about 1 year ago and have had to do do intermittent self-catherization. I've been to three urologists and a neurologist who had several useless theories. A chiropractor suggested seeing a naturapath. I was tested for vitamin deficiencies, thyroid problems and what he called, a shot in the dark, heavy metals. Turns out I have very high mercury. Lots of web sites say heavy metals cause bladder retention, however, none give suggestions or cases of helping the patient. Mercury is a neurotoxin, which leads me to think that's the cause of my bladder problems. Does anyone have experience with this issue? Also, those of you who are struggling with this problem, have you been tested? Most MD don't recognize and aren't familiar with this issue. But it exists. Most likely cause of my high mercury, my amalgam fillings! So look in your mouths, I had 2 gold crowns over mercury(silver) fillings. I don't understand chemistry and all that, but it was explained to me that I had a miniature battery in my mouth (saliva adds to the mix) and my long bady nerves were being damaged.

[Gamma]

Hi, cep4219

None of the doctors I saw even suggested any testing for any of those deficiencies you mentioned, particularly not heavy metal poisoning.

I have never been tested for any heavy metal poisoning but perhaps now that you mention it, I may request and demand that they test me for this. Not sure how it is cured or treated though.

I do not have any fillings so would not have any metal poisoning coming from my mouth but perhaps it could come from elsewhere?

Hope you find a solution and that you have some sort of treatment lined up to help treat your heavy metal poisoning. What treatments did they suggest?

Kind regards

Gamma

[cep4219]

Hello Gamma,

Heavy metal test is 6 hr urine test after taking pills or having an IV of chelating agent, like DMSA. Could be lead or other metal, not necessarily mercury. Treatment, if test comes back high is taking chelating pills for 3 days, and not taking them for 11 days. On days of not chelating take supplements to replace "good" metals lost by chelating. This goes on until test results show metal is gone.

Another possible cause of retention could be a bulging disc. I went through spinal decompression which helped immediately to have the bowel urge return. I do exercises recommended by the chiropractor to strenghten my back and core muscles to keep that disc from bulging even more.

I finally found a urologist willing to work with me. She suggested using Estrace (prescription) estrogen cream to help build good bacteria in vagina and bladder. I put a dab on the urethra and in the vagina every night. I'm also taking Culturelle, a probiotic to help build up good bacteria. If you're taking an antibiotic, use the probiotic 2 or more hours after taking the antibiotic which kills bacteria.

As for using the catheter, I found people who write those instructions obviously haven't used one. My instructions required about 5 hands to do everything they suggest. I found using a sterile bacteriastatic gel and bending forward from the waist, head down like picking something up, then slide in the catheter just before you straighten up. Also having the legs fairly wide apart helps. Other hand holds open the labia. I had to practice finding the correct spot by sitting on the edge of the tub, feet in the tub. It's kind of a braille thing, because I never figured out how to use a mirror, spread the labia and insert a catheter. That's 3 hands right there.

I'm not familiar with the medical system in UK. But a naturapath or toxicologist might be more open to finding the cause of your problem. I was told by one doctor since I don't know how I hurt myself, he couldn't help me. They say all kinds of things out of frustration with themselves. They're not quite as smart as they think and they don't really understand the human body as much as they think they do. I found most MDs are not familiar with heavy metal testing.

One more suggestion, have tests done for vitamin/mineral deficencies as well as food allergies. My toxicologist said he helped one person with bladder retention when the patient stopped eating bananas and vanilla!

[Gamma]

Hi, cep4219

Thanks for your reply.

Every nurse and person in general, including the A+E doctor and one of their urologists, other than my GP and spine surgeons at one hospital I saw who dismissed it, said they felt my spine problem would be why I have the retention and yet my GP and the spine surgeons I saw at the one hospital ignored it and dismissed it, not saying anything and went onto the next thing! I do tend to believe it is my spine causing it but it would probably be too late to do anything about it as they left it for a year and a half now since my bladder problem began. The nerves surely would be permanently damaged. It is deemed to be a 'red flag' situation which is why I was quite surprised and very angry as well that the GP and spine surgeons ignored it completely.

Also, thanks for the tip on using probiotics with antibiotics. When I was taking antibiotics due to constant urinary tract infections from my retention, I had the probiotic yoghurts and drinks.

I also found when self cathing I had to use a lot of hands! I found that I could not manage without someone handing me the stuff but when I got into acute back pain I could not even bend that far and had to rely on others to do it for me so it was more trouble and restricting than it was worth. Doctors do not understand the difficulties in doing such a procedure by oneself which is why they never have any practical solutions and cannot relate either.

I will search for a naturapath or toxicologist and see if they are available here in the UK as I am not sure either. I have not seen them whenever I have searched in medical specialities but maybe they are known as something else over here.

I agree, they always say something rediculous such as the ones that said such silly things as that they could not help you because you could not tell them. I also had a similar thing in that I was told by many at my same GP surgery that it was 'all in my head' even though tests proved otherwise. They do not know how to deal with complicated cases and they just lose their heads quite a lot and in doing so also hurt their patients' feelings. I totally agree, they are not as smart as they would like to have us patients believe and I did actually think this quite a while back from my first experience. They always misdiagnose (I had this loads of times and it was not good and has left me in such a state as they misdiagnosed me both with my spine and bladder as being not as serious as it was) and this is proof of the fact they do not understand the human body as much as is made out that we are also to believe.

None of the doctors I have seen have even bothered mentioning about heavy metal poisoning. Shows how much they really know. I thought they had covered those sort of things? There really is no excuse for them not to know if they went to medical school.

I will need to go find a specialist who is willing to be bothered to find out what is really wrong with me first before I can get those tests but I will certainly look into it as the banana and vanilla thing with retention seems curious and sounds like it should be something to look into.

Kind regards

Gamma