Recently found out my finacee unfaithful/lied to me

[WildChild]

A good relationship requires trust. Either you trust her or you don't. Only you can decide.

[chaosphynx]

So, her ex and colleague suddenly started flirting with her a few months ago, she didn't give in at first but she eventually broke and gave in. But that's where her story ends. Did she stop flirting because she started having feelings for him? And to tell you this now... It seems to be very complicated.

It is understandable that you doubt her trust now, she should have told you what was going on from the beginning, let alone not respond to his flirting. It's an ex we are talking about, or at least they've known each other for a while, so it cannot be seen as innocent; they knew what they were getting into. If it was innocent then why would she bring it up now?

Unfaithful is a strong word to use, but she has certainly been keeping things from you.

It's kind of confusing though, because hanging out during breaks and hugging is not a crime, but if she felt the need to tell you all this then she might feel guilty about flirting.

Maybe if you could elaborate a little bit more about her past with this man and the reasons why this subject suddenly surfaced.

She said that after a month of saying "stuff" back, she started to have feelings for him, and didnt want that so she told him to back off. Keep in mind tho at this point he had already been hitting on her alot for 5 months (total time she said this went on from start to finsih, and only 1 of those months of her reciprocating). She says she knew she always wanted to be with me, even when she started saying things back. Also, she said she felt bad the whole time, then why would she continue to say things back for 1+ months, and THEN realize it was wrong. Hardest part is, I dont really know if this story is the complete truth...she is adamant that nothing more than that ever happened, I just dont know if that can be true if she let it happen for so long, then started back for another month, and then was so okay with always keeping it a secret if she really felt how she says she does about me and "us."

[chaosphynx]

A good relationship requires trust. Either you trust her or you don't. Only you can decide.

I feel both, immenseley, simultaneously

[chaosphynx]

I agree with HD here, but i am not telling you that her actions were acceptable. Assess how you did on this department.

Like the above posters, I will wait for further info on your part before I could give you a more accurate viewpoint on your situation.

I am definatley not perfect in that department, however, never did not make her feel not loved and cared for. The words "youre hot" and "I want you so bad" did go by the wayside last fall...and I didnt even realize it, I started to go back to school, and during that time she was paranoid with me for the exact things she did. I have never not "wanted" her, the exact opposite. If this is the case, it wouldve have at least been nice for her to sit me down and explain EXACTLEY how she was feeling, this did not happen. She did, while paranoid about me, say that we werent "doing stuff" as much, and I would try to initiate something.....but always before I could she would say something like that again and it felt like I would just be doing so because she said something, like not genuine. After last fall, we went on vacation to Mexico (March) and had the time of our lives, and when we got back she was happy...but come to find out this had already started and continued until June/July, without a word, or even a noticeable difference....it supposedly stops and 4 months later this version of the truth comes out....so confused

[chaosphynx]

The whole story was bs, she as cheating the last month...she says the time frame was right.."just not the whole truth" of course she left out the worst parts...making out, groping, pants off, oral, and says that the last two times they almost had sex...but when they stopped fooling around (this is at a freakin Hardee's before it openend in the bathroom mind you) that when he would put a rubber on he would already be "floppy" as she put it, meaning that they tried to have sex, but it didnt happen. I asked her why she didnt try more, and she always said they only had 15-20 minutes to actually fool around because they had to open the store within 45 minutes. I dont know, she says 12-15 times total of fooling around, the first few being just kissing, then advancing to making out, then advancing to hands down the pants, and the last few times oral stuff and "attempted" sex. This was on tues Nov 17th when she admitted this, but it gets far worse.....when she admitted this she was aweek late for getting her period, on thurs Nov 19th, she takes a pregnancy test and it is posititve....I have no idea what to do anymore, she lied so much, cheated, lied about cheating, and lied about lying....and now 2 days later after the roof collapses on, she is pregnant and feel so torn whether or not to give her a second chance (I still love her) or just say get out. This is the absolute worst week of my life, every minute seems like an hour, agony multiplied by agony

[WildChild]

Oh dear,
It sounds like you need to insist that she get a prenatal paternity test. I think she has to be 13 or 14 weeks to get it. They can be done fairly simply, drawing her blood and I think a cheek scrape from you. you should both be tested for STIs too.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Once a lier always a lier...

She continually, tried to gain your trust, "no, it was only flirting" for such a long time, to then drop 2 bomb shells. 1) She allowed another man, not you to touch her intimately, 12 - 15 times and 2) She's pregnant.

She mentions "floppy" well I would say that by the time she had sex with him, he wasn't that good and so the novelty wore off. I would say she had sex.

"That's just my opinion", she's lied and lied, and omitted telling you things, then wants you to believe that Mr floopy couldn't perform? Now, I am pregnant?

Also this " I strated to get feelings for him". Well, then she's not "in love" with you, just loves you.

Do you really, really want a woman in your life that you know will do this to you? That is not yours? Rather, thinks she can have her cake and eat it to?

Walk away..

Get a paternity test as WC stated, later to ascertain who's child it is and deal with that when the time comes.

But, understand who you are. Your a great person, kind and giving and loving and don't deserve a woman who has oral 15 times, and sex, with another man, whilst professing her love for you...

You deserve much better than that.

Sorry, this all happened to you.

CW

[stressed]

I am so sorry for you, you don't deserve this, nobody does.

Listen to WC and CW's advices. Demand a paternity test and support the child, if it is yours, when the time comes. But staying with this woman would ruin your life, it has already ruined it up to a point.

Whether the child is yours on not: she has cheated on you. 'oral', 'touches' and so on... it's cheating. You don't need to be with someone 10 times to realize that you don't want this or to understand that what you are doing is unacceptable, you know it right away from the first moment a colleague flirts with you. You will never be able to trust this woman again and she cannot be in love with you if she fools around with other men. When you're in love you have eyes for nobody else. She's either confused or just likes the stability you can offer her. She loves attention and unfortunately for her it led her to big trouble. She even reached the point of letting another man use a condom so they would have sex... she has been lying to you all along...

You're a good and caring man, you know how to show love and respect to your partner. Don't waste your energy on this woman, she doesn't deserve it.

[Explorer44]

At a fast food restaurant.

In the BATHROOM.

Repeated attempts. Obviously one might have been successful.

If the paternity test shows this child is not yours, I'd say she made her bed and he can lie in it for the next 20 years...

If it is yours, then you need some counsel regarding the next step. What are you prepared to handle for the next few decades? Financially, get in touch with an advisor to prepare for the future. Emotionally, don't go it alone! Becoming a father under these clouds is an enormous stress - please seek help!

Her behavior is reprehensible. I'm so sorry for your relationship and your heart.

[rachel801]

I'm so sorry. Sometimes women can be so careless with their man.

If it's not your child, run away!

If it is, and you really love her, you need to be FIRM with her. Tell her that her behaviour is UNACCEPTABLE and you do not TRUST her or want to marry her anymore. You can't enter a marriage with all of these lies. But you both now have a responsibility to the child and will have to make the best of it. Good luck! You are doing the right thing by reaching out for help.