Sex every 5-6 weeks? Just not enough!

[wingnut]

I?m at my breaking point. My wife and I have been married for 5 years and together for 7. We do not have children. And as the topic points out, sex has become nonexistent, but is only the final straw in a long list of problems.

My wife has changed. Significantly changed. When we were first dating we had great communications and a correspondingly we had a good sex life as well.


The communication has declined. I try to stay very upbeat and always see the glass as half full. She is always very negative, about everything. To be honest I enjoy working so much because I am around people who are not so bleak about everything. Everything is a disaster to her. We have had her to several different doctors and tried many different meds, but nothing. She won?t try to think more positively. She wants a magic pill or a ?happy? pill as she calls it. She is just a genuinely negative person, and I have about had enough of it.

Initially I thought she was just depressed about living so far from home. I gave up my career, a good income, my family, my friends and my hobbies to move 2000 miles to be within an hour?s drive of her family. Still she is not happy. I ask nothing of her, and I mean nothing. In the evenings I dash home to cook a fast meal before I head off to class. I do the majority of the laundry and about all of the house work. She has collected 4 cats along the way that I now have to scoop and clean after. I have bought a second home that is larger to accommodate her cat collection and my dog and give us a bit more room to breath. I have rented out our old home, yet she still is not happy.

We have 17k in credit card debt. She charged 22k on her cards last year alone. I pay those bills because her income is simply not enough. Health insurance comes out of my check as well. Meanwhile, she is contributing to 4 different retirement accounts for herslef. I finally opened a 401 just a few months ago. I get the feeling sometimes that I?m here just to pay the bills and make the meals.

I built a gym in the house so she could work out with me. She has been told that regular exercise will help he moods. She has yet to step foot in it. Alternatively, she has gained almost 70 pounds which only fuels one more negative thing for her to obsess about. If I am not able to make it home to make a hot dinner; BBQ chicken or Salmon, veggies and baked potato, she eats a few bowels of cereal and a couple pieces of bread. The last meal that she cooked was Christmas dinner, and then she only made a dish to take to her parent?s house.

Hobbies are an important thing for a couple to share so I have explored that route as well. Knowing she likes to fly I have tried to take her flying with me every chance I could get. We would fly to her parent?s house rather than drive fairly frequently. I also flew her to a couple of air shows. Turns out she didn?t care for it much and only saw it as a waste of money. I offered for her to get her pilots license, but she says no thanks. She likes motorcycles. I bought her some gear and she attended a rider?s class. Now she could care less. She wants to ride o the back of my bike but I do not have the heart to tell her that she is too big for it to be safe so I have to make excuses. The bike is a sport bike and she is just to big at this point. I cannot bring myself to tell her she is obese.

Now I am a decent looking guy. 5?6?, 180lbs at about 15percent body fat, blue eyes and thinning hair, so nothing special. I exercise regularly, work two jobs, attend school in the evenings and volunteer as a medic/firefighter in our community. I also work in healthcare and am attending school in hopes of applying to medical school in a few more years.

In my job I work with clinically depressed people frequently. We also see people who have a baseline personality that is just, well, negative. They are not depressed. To the contrary they are only happy when they are miserable. I?m afraid that I have married into that personality.

The final straw has been the lack of sex. My libido is normal and I would be happy with once or twice a week. At the moment we are once every 5-6 weeks, and then it?s nothing spectacular. I get the ?lets get this over with? attitude. I will initiate foreplay and she will pull her pajamas down to her knees and roll on her side and hike a leg like a dog. How romantic.

Enough already. I am her second marriage and I hear that the first one was plagued by the same problems. Being committed to the relationship has never been a problem for me, but it requires both parties to try. She is not trying. I would like to have children, and so would she. But I do not want my child to grow up around this.

At what point do you just throw in the towel. I get hit on allot at work by very attractive, educated and fun women and I have to say, it?s getting harder to walk a straight line.

[autummleaf]

hello wingnut!! I've been married for two years and my husband used to complain about me since he was always doing things to pleased me and i never seemed happy enough and he even said as much as you feel miserable happier you are, i was so mad about him for having said that, he treats me like a princess as you do with your wife ,i know how lucky she is for having a man like you as a husband while i was reading your story i immediately remember my husband and the stage i had which was very similar.
your wife might be feeling that she's not a successful person and that she would be very pleased if she could afford all the things that she wants, she 'd like to have the power and the handle of the house she'd like to be you very deep inside, she feels that you're too much for her since you do many good things and the only way she can feel a little bit happy is making you feel sad or disappointed.
she doesn't cook and doesn't treat you like you deserve because she wants you to get mad or angry and had a fight so she can feel happy making you feel sad.

people who had been pleased her whole life tend to have this kind of problem... they feel like they deserve everything in the world and that even all the gold in the world is never gonna be enough to make them happy, since they just feel happy making other people suffer, in this case you ..that more than a husband you're like a father protecting his helpless only child!
what my husband helped me by starting treating me different, not please me very much, do not cook, do not say yes to everything, treated me like a real woman not like a spoil child whose father is protecting her all the time, set rules and laws inside the house in a kind but firm way, let her see that you're tired of this ,you've got to be a little bit macho just for overcome this stage, as soon as she notices the change in you she's going to react as i did. hope it really helps!!
you seem to be a good guy ... and keep in mind that it's nothing about you...is about her !!!

regards

[avery3]

my personal opinion- i think you should leave..life is too short to let someone drag you down and be misrable. you dont have kids yet- thats good bc you have nothing tying u to her, all's you need is that divorce paper and you can go find that lucky girl who will apprietate the things you do!

[Hazanko]

Honestly, leave her. Theres no reason to ruin your life for a girl. Or woman.

[amom]

Honestly, leave her. Theres no reason to ruin your life for a girl. Or woman.

And the same applies in reverse. Even more so.

[amom]

I?m at my breaking point. My wife and I have been married for 5 years and together for 7. We do not have children. And as the topic points out, sex has become nonexistent, but is only the final straw in a long list of problems.

My wife has changed. Significantly changed. When we were first dating we had great communications and a correspondingly we had a good sex life as well.


The communication has declined. I try to stay very upbeat and always see the glass as half full. She is always very negative, about everything. To be honest I enjoy working so much because I am around people who are not so bleak about everything. Everything is a disaster to her. We have had her to several different doctors and tried many different meds, but nothing. She won?t try to think more positively. She wants a magic pill or a ?happy? pill as she calls it. She is just a genuinely negative person, and I have about had enough of it.

Initially I thought she was just depressed about living so far from home. I gave up my career, a good income, my family, my friends and my hobbies to move 2000 miles to be within an hour?s drive of her family. Still she is not happy. I ask nothing of her, and I mean nothing. In the evenings I dash home to cook a fast meal before I head off to class. I do the majority of the laundry and about all of the house work. She has collected 4 cats along the way that I now have to scoop and clean after. I have bought a second home that is larger to accommodate her cat collection and my dog and give us a bit more room to breath. I have rented out our old home, yet she still is not happy.

We have 17k in credit card debt. She charged 22k on her cards last year alone. I pay those bills because her income is simply not enough. Health insurance comes out of my check as well. Meanwhile, she is contributing to 4 different retirement accounts for herslef. I finally opened a 401 just a few months ago. I get the feeling sometimes that I?m here just to pay the bills and make the meals.

I built a gym in the house so she could work out with me. She has been told that regular exercise will help he moods. She has yet to step foot in it. Alternatively, she has gained almost 70 pounds which only fuels one more negative thing for her to obsess about. If I am not able to make it home to make a hot dinner; BBQ chicken or Salmon, veggies and baked potato, she eats a few bowels of cereal and a couple pieces of bread. The last meal that she cooked was Christmas dinner, and then she only made a dish to take to her parent?s house.

Hobbies are an important thing for a couple to share so I have explored that route as well. Knowing she likes to fly I have tried to take her flying with me every chance I could get. We would fly to her parent?s house rather than drive fairly frequently. I also flew her to a couple of air shows. Turns out she didn?t care for it much and only saw it as a waste of money. I offered for her to get her pilots license, but she says no thanks. She likes motorcycles. I bought her some gear and she attended a rider?s class. Now she could care less. She wants to ride o the back of my bike but I do not have the heart to tell her that she is too big for it to be safe so I have to make excuses. The bike is a sport bike and she is just to big at this point. I cannot bring myself to tell her she is obese.

Now I am a decent looking guy. 5?6?, 180lbs at about 15percent body fat, blue eyes and thinning hair, so nothing special. I exercise regularly, work two jobs, attend school in the evenings and volunteer as a medic/firefighter in our community. I also work in healthcare and am attending school in hopes of applying to medical school in a few more years.

In my job I work with clinically depressed people frequently. We also see people who have a baseline personality that is just, well, negative. They are not depressed. To the contrary they are only happy when they are miserable. I?m afraid that I have married into that personality.

The final straw has been the lack of sex. My libido is normal and I would be happy with once or twice a week. At the moment we are once every 5-6 weeks, and then it?s nothing spectacular. I get the ?lets get this over with? attitude. I will initiate foreplay and she will pull her pajamas down to her knees and roll on her side and hike a leg like a dog. How romantic.

Enough already. I am her second marriage and I hear that the first one was plagued by the same problems. Being committed to the relationship has never been a problem for me, but it requires both parties to try. She is not trying. I would like to have children, and so would she. But I do not want my child to grow up around this.

At what point do you just throw in the towel. I get hit on allot at work by very attractive, educated and fun women and I have to say, it?s getting harder to walk a straight line.

...let her read this post of yours and see what her response is..

[bigdays99]

I think she's taking you for granted. I think it's common for a married person to get into a comfort zone. In this case, your wife is probably confident you won't leave her. Make her appreciate you more. Maybe if she senses she's losing you, she'll stop taking advantage and get her act together. Too many couples stay in unhappy marriages because they feel a divorce is a sign of failure or it's just too much trouble. Life's too short. I've known both men and women who stay married because they can't "afford" divorce, whether the legal costs, alimony, child support or giving up a chunk of their pension. They also don't wanna hurt their kids. What kid of childhood can one have living in amongst unhappy parents? So they stay miserable.

[LilSarah]

Communication is the number one thing in a relationship. I'd say instead of going on the computer and letting women you don't know or care about know about your feelings, TELL YOUR WIFE. Tell her EVERYTHING you just told us. And if you told her and nothing happens, then it's time to move on.

[Paul Rehbein]

It's time to leave. She obviously doesn't want to do anything to be in "Your" life. You're a busy guy that wants to have a life. Roll her now.
You cannot fix her no matter how hard you try. At least give her an ultimatum and if you get no response or no real effort.......get out and get out fast. You obviously are not the right man for her.....if there were such an animal.

[cafe.au.lait]

Hi there. I just read your post, and my advice would be to talk to your wife, asap.

Don't be brutal, condescending or take the attitude of "this is the last straw, I'm almost outta here".... but DO be honest, upfront and open to her about how you feel. Everything you typed out here, take that to HER and explain to her exactly how you feel. Then, encourage her to tell you what is going on with her.

I know you say you work with the clinically depressed, and you don't think your wife fits in that category. But has she seen a doctor about this? You are her husband, so you cannot possibly have an objective look at her "moods" or so on. There has to be someone outside the relationship to look at and possibly diagnose the problem (if there is one with depression).

Honestly, she sounds like she is showing all the signs of true depression. Constant overspending as a means to make oneself happy (which doesn't work), body image, overeating, moping in the house, lack of sexual desire, lack of interest in things, etc. etc. Something is wrong. She is not just being spoiled, because no one wants to sit and be unhappy all their life. I also take it she was not this way when you two met or married. So, her innate personality when you got together was not like this. Something has changed with her.

There is something going on with her, emotionally or mentally. Probably it has nothing to do with you, it is NOT your fault at all. This is a problem she has. It's just up to you as her husband if it really is for better or for worse. There's nothing wrong with ending this relationship if you truly feel you don't love her or there are differences you can't solve.

But, since you came on here reaching out about your concerns, I have the feeling that you are not ready to leave. You are still seeking an answer. You did mention your own looks and so on, so you might be having inner thoughts of "I can do much better than this." You just have to figure out if leaving is what you really want, or if you are willing to try more steps to see if you can work it out with her. Either decision is up to you and I don't think there's a "wrong" or "right" decision, just go with your heart and mind.

maybe try that candid talk, and my suggestion is that if she has not already, she needs to see a doctor about possible depression. Well, I wish you both the best, honey, and good luck with this.