Jealousy issues

[papillon]

Hi,
I know I'm going to sound like a total psycho , but I really need some advice. I've been with my boyfriend for 18 months and I love him so much. He says he loves me most days and is always really loving when we're together. However, I can't help but get suspicious about his female friends. My ex cheated on me and he was the last person I thought would ever cheat, so I guess now I've got someone I really love I've just convinced myself he'll find someone better than me and do the same thing...

A few months ago we were talking and he said he couldn't promise me he wouldn't kiss someone else if he was very very drunk because he'd never been in that situation before - so even though he hoped he wouldn't, he couldn't promise me 100%. I was personally quite shocked about that - but I don't know if I was overreacting a bit, knowing that really no one can be 100% sure what they'll do when very drunk...

Anyway now I find myself getting jealous if he meets with his female friends, if he gets texts from them and stuff. I know I sound like such a , I just can't help it.. I try and hide what I'm feeling like cos I know if it was the other way round I'd get really annoyed. I'm not like it with all his friends, there's just a few who seem quite flirty and are really pretty.

We've been at different unis since we started going out, so we're used to being away from eachother, but because of our courses we are going to be spending the next 2 years in different countries from eachother, seeing eachother every 3-4 weeks. I really do believe we can make it through this, but I've got to find a way to stop this stupid jealousy thing. I know that my jealousy is far more likely to break us up than him running off with another girl.

Has anyone got any ideas about how I can stop being so stupid and stop worrying so much?

Thanks

[JubesInquest]

Hi,
I know I'm going to sound like a total psycho , but I really need some advice. I've been with my boyfriend for 18 months and I love him so much. He says he loves me most days and is always really loving when we're together. However, I can't help but get suspicious about his female friends. My ex cheated on me and he was the last person I thought would ever cheat, so I guess now I've got someone I really love I've just convinced myself he'll find someone better than me and do the same thing...

A few months ago we were talking and he said he couldn't promise me he wouldn't kiss someone else if he was very very drunk because he'd never been in that situation before - so even though he hoped he wouldn't, he couldn't promise me 100%. I was personally quite shocked about that - but I don't know if I was overreacting a bit, knowing that really no one can be 100% sure what they'll do when very drunk...

Anyway now I find myself getting jealous if he meets with his female friends, if he gets texts from them and stuff. I know I sound like such a , I just can't help it.. I try and hide what I'm feeling like cos I know if it was the other way round I'd get really annoyed. I'm not like it with all his friends, there's just a few who seem quite flirty and are really pretty.

We've been at different unis since we started going out, so we're used to being away from eachother, but because of our courses we are going to be spending the next 2 years in different countries from eachother, seeing eachother every 3-4 weeks. I really do believe we can make it through this, but I've got to find a way to stop this ****** jealousy thing. I know that my jealousy is far more likely to break us up than him running off with another girl.

Has anyone got any ideas about how I can stop being so ****** and stop worrying so much?

Thanks

Sweetie,

ALL jealousy stems from a root of insecurity.

You've been cheated on and you haven't quite settled that within yourself.
Your common questions are: why did he do it? Why did he like her more than he liked me? Will it happen to me with the NEXT person? What can I do to prevent it?
and
how can I be sure it WON'T happen again?


The thing about all those questions is, they are all subjective to the person that commits the cheating act.
There is NOTHING the other person can do to prevent it; there is no guarantee that it won't ever happen again in your lifetime; there is no guarantee the next person you're with won't do it.

It's just a matter of life: there are NO guarantees.

Trust has to be earned, and if the person you're with now hasn't done anything to dismantle your trust factor in him, then don't start nit-picking and getting on him where as you couldn't get the last guy that cheated on you.
You'll find yourself taking things out on the new guy that you didn't get to take on the last guy.

This makes for a problem and you 2 are then guaranteed to break up.

Now it would be a good idea for you to see a therapist and start working on these jealousy and insecurity issues.
You can't walk around ready to pounce on someone because of what happened to you before.
There are many people that walk around like this and never get a handle on what's happening with them in the first place.

Don't hide how you feel.
Don't let it stay bottled up inside and fester until it finally explodes and it's far too damaged to be repaired.

See someone about this.

[ONLE_U]

I almost lost my boyfriend yesterday because of my crazy jealousy rages. I was jealous that a girl from his work offered him an interview with her boyfriend to get a better paying job. That's how jealous I am.

What do I do about this? I just went to the doctor and Im going to see a counsellor that my work allows me to do free. I hope this works for me. It might be a good thing to write down EXACTLY why you're jealous, when, and how you deal with it now...than write down where you WANT to be and see if you can get there...truly.

I wish I could write/advice more but I have to go to another appoint.
Id love to help you with this as I am going through this right now.

[nutmeg]

you might find this forum useful, as a support group for women with jealousy and insecurity issues.

Womens Self esteem .com Forum - Home

hope that's helpful. at the very least i found it an interesting read.

[Nightshade]

I know exactly how you feel
My jealousy is destroying my relationship... it's terrible because I don't want to be... I need help!

[Nightshade]

Hey, I didn't have a lot of time to post before, I was having a rough day... buuttt.... I will try to help now that i have a free min.

I am getting better a lot better... I have been wanting to feel less jealous for a loonngggg time. In my mind it's like i could see all the terrible things my boyfriend (of over 3 years) would /could do. And it would hurt me to think those things... What I did was:

-Have More Trust : If he says "I love you, I wouldn't risk screwing us up etc etc", I have begun to trust that as truth (afterall, it's the truth when I say it). Then, whenever something would happen where i would get that sneaking suspicion, I would remind myself of all those things.... it helps.

- Bach flower remedies: Flower essences (simillar to homeopathics, but not exactly). There are many for different personality traits... "Holly" is one for envy, jealousy and suspicion. "Aspen" Is for fear... etc... you can tailor them to which ever you need. They helped a loottt.

- Reason with myself: If I am faced with a scenario in which I know deep down the only reason I feel a certain way is jealousy... I make myself realize that, and basically bombard myself with logic.


Anyways, those things are helping me a lot... and I remind myself of my self-worth, and my boyfriends love and care for me... All together= feeling a ton better.

Good Luck!

[papillon]

Thanks so much for everyone's advice

I've spoken to my boyfriend about my insecurities and am feeling better. That link was really useful, nutmeg!