My boyfriend has lost all interest in sex, yet loves pornography. Please help!

[LoveIsABattlefield]

My boyfriend of 3 years won't hug, kiss, or have sex with me. We have lived together for about 3 years now, but we took our relationship very slow. He does not want to spend time with me. This has been going on for over a year now. I thought it was just a phase and he would get over it. I figured he had just lost his sex drive. (I don't know how if that happens?) But recently I caught him looking at porn and masterbating. I don't care if he looks at it, or masterbates, but he lies about it. I knew that he did it, but I figured since he won't touch me and has no attraction for me, that he wasn't doing that either. I have been gaining weight but I don't think I'm bad.. I'm 5'7'' and 135 pounds right now. I've tried everything to break him from this.. I tried acting like I didn't want it, sort of to pose a "challenge", I've tried making numerous passes at him (it just ****es him off), straddeling him, and so much more. He is not interested. We did lose our virginity to eachother after being together about a year, (I don't know if that means anything) and he never pressured me to do it, we just let it happen by itself. The first few months we would do it three or four times a day. I am a very sexual person and I would love to do it numerous times a day, but I don't NEED it. I don't need it at all. I love him and I'm just happy to be with him. But now that I see he is looking at other girls and completely uninterested in me, I am crushed. My self esteem is crushed. He won't talk to me about what happened.. and he won't talk to me about why he won't kiss me or anything. He just snaps out if I even bring it up, and then he will ignore me for days. I swear I am wonderful to him, I do everything for him and I let him do whatever he wants, I don't get in the way of anything he wants and I try to help him as best as I can with everything. I give him his space when he needs it, and.. I am just trying so hard. I am not even mad at him for the whole porn thing, he can continue to do that, I just don't want him to lie to me about it. (I explained this to him, when we first got together, that he is free to do absolutely anything just as long as he doesn't lie about it. I just want an honest relationship.) .. it just shows he enjoys sex as much as I do. He doesn't want to be around me, and if he is around me it's in small doses.

Uggh! That is not all, but, please help!

I love him so much. I want to spend the rest of my life with him.

What can I do??


I FORGOT TO ADD! He is OBSESSED with video games. It's a CONSTANT thing.. when he gets home from work.. immediately on the xbox until he falls asleep, then he gets up and plays more xbox. He was like this before we got together and when we got together it just stopped even though I did not stop him from doing it, he just liked to spend time with me. Then, he started up again FULL FORCE, around the time when he stopped wanting to touch me. On his days off he will play for 15 hours or more!

[housewife]

Look at what you said about him in your post:

won't hug, kiss, or have sex with me.
He does not want to spend time with me.
but I figured since he won't touch me and has no attraction for me

He is not interested.
he is looking at other girls and completely uninterested in me,
I am crushed.
My self esteem is crushed.
He won't talk to me about what happened
and he won't talk to me about why he won't kiss me or anything.
He just snaps out if I even bring it up,
and then he will ignore me for days.

and the big one is

He doesn't want to be around me, and if he is around me it's in small doses.

Then in the end you said "I want to spend the rest of my life with him"
What life?

Dear,
As simple as that, if that was my husband (God forbid) I would leave him today before dark.

[soldatka]

It's not often I agree with Housewife, but she is spot on here.

You are upset about a relationship that doesn't even exist any more. Please, do the right thing for your self respect and leave this guy. You deserve a man who adores you, not ignores you.

[hotdogg]

he is selfish! you are wasting your time with him. remember a relationship is give and take, he is taking and giving nothing in return. i would finish with him.

[seashoremaine]

You boyfriend is selfish and immature. Have you sat him down in the proper environment (video games off, etc) and said all these things to him in a non wishy-washy way? If you have, then it?s time to find a new boyfriend.

-J>>

[PixieDuzt]

Sitting down with him and talking will do no good. He has basically laid out all of his cards already. A man that doesn't show interest in even hugging or kissing you just doesn't want to be with you. He is most likely afraid of doing anything about it tho. He is too chicken s h i t to man up and break it off with you. Be the better person, break it off. Get on with your life. You are young, there will be other men who actually WANT you.

[MaryJanesVibe]

The earlier posts are right.....what life is it that you have, that makes you want to stay with him?

I'd move on....or......set it up so he catches YOU masturbating every day, and get HIS reaction. Buy a huge vibrator that makes him look small and watch the look on his face. ;-)

Good luck.

[whilhelm]

what would you want to see happen?

moving on may solve the problem for you - and maybe that's all you need to worry about.

but you seem to feel that you have more at stake. only you know that.

if you do, then you'll have to work with him to get rid of the porn. contrary to what many will say on this board, your experience is really pretty common. this is the typical impact of porn on a relationship.

it's not you, or your body, or your sexual skill. a human being can't compete with digital images & paid, professional performers. you just can't. porn is feeding him something a real partner can't.

if you love him & want to see things improve, roll up your sleeves, because it will be really, really hard. it's possible - don't forget that.

but there will always be voices, including his own, to tell him that what he's doing is normal and that you are being neurotic, all guys look at porn, etc. the only way he'll beat the compulsion will be to turn his back on all that worthless advice.

and the only way he'll be able to see you for who you really are will be to beat that compulsion that is stealing his desire for you.

he's just like a little boy in a candy store stuffing his face with handfulls of candy. it's what he wants, it tastes good, and it's everywhere.

so now you have to convince him to put it down & eat a balanced meal. you're right - despite what anyone tells you, you're exactly right. the candy's bad for him & it's destroying his apetite for you.

[whilhelm]

I don't care if he looks at it, or masterbates, but he lies about it.

this actually could be really hopeful - that he lies about it. i realize you want him to be honest. but he's lying for one of two reasons: either he knows you'll get mad so he's just trying to avoid the trouble.

or (hopefully) he lies about it because he's ashamed. that would indicate that he knows it's wrong.

no matter how entangled in it he is - if he knows it's wrong (underneath it all) then there's probably a path to healing that the two of you could uncover.

[hotdogg]

whilhelm (alias Ned Flanders) your advice is worthless!

all you are trying to do is feed these womens paranoia and you know it!

you are helping no one, you are seriously suggesting that men only watch porn because they are unhappy with their partner in some way.

you are talking complete rubbish and you know it, i watch porn because i like it, my hubby watches porn because he likes it! i watched porn before i met him, and if our relationship ever ended it would not be because of porn, it has never been an issue.

now if i can watch porn and not compare my husband to anyone then i believe a man can watch it and not compare their partner too.

also if a man believed he could do better the relationship would not have started in the first place.

listening to you, you would think that only middle aged men with saggy wives viewed porn! good looking young people watch porn too.