Jokes

[dr.mansview]

wasn't as funny the second time GG

[Goodgirl93]

Oops! Sorry Doc. These darns posts...I hate when I accidentally post them twice.

[Goodgirl93]

There is a little boy and girl in sunday school. The little boy has a crush on the girl and trys to help her in the class. The little girl is a slacker and always falls asleep in sunday school.

One of the times the girl falls asleep and the teacher calls on her to answer a question. The nun asks "Who is our lord and savior ? The boy pokes the girl with the ruler and ,startled, she yells God! stiffling a curse word.

The girl doses off again and the nun calls on her again the nun asks "Who died for our sins?" The boy pokes her with a ruler again and she screams Jesus Christ!

Once again the girl dozes off into sleep. Deciding to give the girl a hard question the nun asks "What did Eve say after Adam and Eve had their twenty eight children ?" The boy pokes her with a ruler again and she turns around and screams "If you poke me with that thing one more time i'm going to snap it in half!"

[ThexMrs]

An elephant walked up to a camel and asked, "Why are your boobs on your back?"

The camel responded, "Well ain't that some shi* coming from a F-er with a limp dic* on his face."

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I told my mom that joke the other day (of course I changed the language) and she laughed but didn't appreciate it. I love telling her things that embarrass her. It cracks me up.

[Explorer44]

A woman was sleeping in bed only to be woken up at 2:00am by her husband. "What are you doing?" asks the wife. "I thought I would bring you some Tylenol and water for your headache" says the husband. "But I don't have a headache," says the wife. "That's all I wanted to hear," says the husband as he climbs in bed.

THIS is awesome!

[WildChild]

An excellent recipe that will bring more good cheer to your Holidays.

1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup or brown sugar
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila

Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl,
Check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality,
Pour one level cup and drink.

Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter
In a large fluffy bowl.

Add one peastoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point
it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still ok, try another
Cup just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy.

Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup
Of dried fruit.

Pick the frigging fruit off the floor.

Mix on the turner.

If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaters just pry
It loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who geeves
A sheet. Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

Add one table.

Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can
Find.

Greash the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall
Over.

Don't forget to beat off the turner.

Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the
Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the wishdasher.
Cherry Mistmas !

[Explorer44]

WHY WOMEN SHOULDN'T TAKE MEN SHOPPING

After I retired my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in
and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to
browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local
Target.

Dear Mrs. Samuel, over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a
commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to
ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr.Samuel,
are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in otherpeople's
carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at
5-minuteintervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's
restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,'Code 3
in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her
assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn
resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the
company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on
layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children
shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the
bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and
screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMT's were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror
while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the
clerk where the anti depressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the
'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look'by using
different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled
'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a
fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while, then
yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks
passed out.

[ThexMrs]

This woman was flying down the road yesterday 10 miles over the limit. She passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side waiting.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car and with that classic smirk we all know and love asked, "What's your hurry?"

To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

The cop asked, "What do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," she said.

The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in and then I slowly but surely stretch, until its bout 6 feet wide."

"And just what the heck do you do with a 6 foot a hole?" He asked.

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Traffic Ticket: $95.00

Court Costs: $45.00

Telling a cop he's an a hole: PRICELESS!

[LanaBear]

Too stupid to pass up, this one was just told to me. I will admit, must not be with it today because it took me a while to get it.


What did the elephant say to the naked man?








Geez, how do you breathe through that thing?

[ThexMrs]

Dear Vagina,

I, the Penis, request a pay raise due to the following reasons:

1. I do physical labor.
2. I work at great depths.
3. I plunge head first into everything I do.
4. I work weekends & holidays.
5. I work in a damp environment.
6. I work in dark areas with poor ventilation.
7. I work in high temperatures and...
8. My work exposes me to disease.

Sincerely,
Penis


Dear Penis,

Your request has been denied for the following reasons:

1. You don't work 8 hours straight.
2. You work in short spurts & fall asleep after each brief work period.
3. You don't stay in your designated area, & are frequently found in other locations.
4. You don't take initiative & must be stimulated to start working.
5. You leave your work place messy at the end of your shift.
6. You are unable to work overtime or double shifts.
7. You sometimes leave your designated work area before completing the assigned task and...
8. You have constantly been seen entering & exiting the work place with two suspicious bags.

Sincerely,
Vagina