Heart broken

[majolove]

I really hope you can post me some working advice on this one because it is eating me up and i have no one to talk to about it.

i have been in love with my current boyfriend for the last 5years. Indeed i love him and i never want to lose him for any reasons. We had even scheduled our wedding late next year.

However, lately he has become so abusive even though i have reamined polite and civil to him. He reacts so teribly to evry small mistake i make and even goes ahead to even call me ******. He does not even acknowledge his own mistakes and eventually i end up apologising for even his own faults.

What hurts most is he doesnt seem to care whether i go or not. He has the guts to tell that i am not tied up, if i feel its too much i can walk.

Am deeply hurt because i focused my whole life on him, i have shared dreams with him and my family and his know of the commitment we are about to make. i have tried to walk out of this relationship but all times i feel so fragile and miss him more so i go back again.

My life will be so boring because he is the only friend i have left since i threw out all my friends for the sake of the relationship.

What should i do? i love him deeply and i hate to lose him. Please advise

[JubesInquest]

I really hope you can post me some working advice on this one because it is eating me up and i have no one to talk to about it.

i have been in love with my current boyfriend for the last 5years. Indeed i love him and i never want to lose him for any reasons. We had even scheduled our wedding late next year.

However, lately he has become so abusive even though i have reamined polite and civil to him. He reacts so teribly to evry small mistake i make and even goes ahead to even call me ******. He does not even acknowledge his own mistakes and eventually i end up apologising for even his own faults.

What hurts most is he doesnt seem to care whether i go or not. He has the guts to tell that i am not tied up, if i feel its too much i can walk.

Am deeply hurt because i focused my whole life on him, i have shared dreams with him and my family and his know of the commitment we are about to make. i have tried to walk out of this relationship but all times i feel so fragile and miss him more so i go back again.

My life will be so boring because he is the only friend i have left since i threw out all my friends for the sake of the relationship.

What should i do? i love him deeply and i hate to lose him. Please advise

Well let's just take a moment to look at this from a different point of view.

Your boyfriend is abusive. You have seen his true colors, and he has called out of your name and told you, in so many words, that if you don't like what he's doing, you can walk on.

Sweetheart, if he's showing you this NOW, what do you think he'll do AFTER you've married him? Do you think you can change his behaviour? Please don't think that way, because 9 time out of 10, you won't.
He has to be willing to change his ways; but it sounds as if he's not about to do that.

" i feel so fragile and miss him more so i go back again."

An abusive person knows how to manipulate feelings and emotions. He knows you'll come back, and he will act even worse. In your mind, he's "it." You weren't joined at the hip to him, right? Well, you can certainly live WITHOUT him!

"My life will be so boring because he is the only friend i have left since i threw out all for the sake of the relationship."


He probably told you to get rid of your friends because they were interfering too much in your relationship. He's insecure and he fears that they will introduce you to someone and that someone will take you away from him, and he'll lose his control over YOU. OR, that they will get you to finally gain your freedom and get away from his control.

You love him and you'd hate to lose him.

But what are you losing?

You've been cut off from everyone close to you BECAUSE of him; he wants you to rely solely on him; yet, he berates you at every turn. You are attached to him EMOTIONALLY. You are used to him being around and doing what he does. The least small sign of affection or acceptance from him makes you feel like you've done something right, and worthy of his "praise".

Two seconds later, he'll find some way to demean you.

You may love him, but he doesn't love you. He loves to control you--he acts like he OWNS you.

You need some good therapy to open your eyes to "battered woman's syndrome". I don't know when you'll be ready to leave, but you really need to break free of this guy.

And please, DON'T MARRY HIM!!!!

[kaylar]

In every case of domestic violence there is the
segregation of the victim from family and friends.

Women will always praise their wonderful boyfriend
or husband, their best and only friend, and you can
virtually bet every cent you have, that the abuse
is about to start.

It is vital for an abuser to lock his victim away
from society so that there are no witnesses.

Reality is what he says it is.

Most women confuse absorption with love.
Abusers need to permeate their victims like
a virus, so that the victim has no outside
life. Her life is an appendage to his.

He will DO ANYTHING to get his victim.
There is nothing an abuser does not do
to make the victim feel grateful to him,
unworthy of his love and adoration.

Because she is such a willing victim
it is very easy to get her to the point
that if he says sit, she sits until he
says stand, and will accept any abuse
if she stands before he gives the order
as her fault.

This relationship is the beginning of an
abusive one.

Get out.

[majolove]

Thanks Kaylar for your wonderful insight into what an abusive relationship can be like. It has opened my heart and even though my heart still feels afraid to take a firm stand about breaking up and quite sure that no matter what i do to show him that i love him and want him to change; he is always going to abuse me both verbally and maybe physically someday.

Please post me some inspirationational acrticles that can keep me positive through my days because when i think of leaving him, i keep getting suicidal feelings.

Chao

[majolove]

Thanks Jubesinquest for your wonderful advise. Indeed yor reply has been like a reflection of what i am going through and the repercautions of my clinging on to this guy.

Last nite he came to my place and i told him i had come to a point when i can no longer take his ill behavior towards me. he stormed out of the door and told me that if i could nolonger stand his character then obviously we couldnt be together anymore. i tried calling him back but simpily drove off and later sent me a lot of funny messages telling me how he knew that i never loved him although i kept pretending. Now this really hurts knowing all i have bared to make this relationship work.

I think if i can take a firm stand and keep my distance like he chose to go, this will be the ideal time to forever call it quits.

Problem is last night i kept having suicidal feelings and dreaded the thought of having him gone so i ended up texting him back even though i didnt mean to.

Please post me some inspirationational acrticles or advise me on what i can do by my self to keep me busy so that i dont think a lot about him.

i would pay for a counsellor to take me through this hard process but at my current location its hard to come a crosss a good one.

Please advice.

[LUSH22]

please dont get married! i have never been in a relationship that long but i geuss i still feel like i wanna help you. any advice i would give you even if you cant leave him now is to keep trying new things for yourself. if leaving him is too scary think of other things you can do for yourself to help make you stronger. throw your self into new situations and towards different people. if you keep changing things in your life up you may change how your feelings about yourself and him in the end.

[JubesInquest]

Majolove,

Don't text him; don't call him; don't fall for those silly comments about "You didn't love me anyway."
He said that to lure you back to him, to prove to him that you love him...
YOU HAVE NOTHING TO PROVE! It's OVER!!!
I hope you can see a therapist about those suicidal thoughts so that you can work through the abuse he put you through.

YOU have a full life to live. Think about that Gloria Gaynor song from the 70s called, "I Will Survive" (if you know the song).
You've gone through the worst of it... now live your life. Do you work? Stay on your job. Any career advances that you can work on, do that. What hobbies do you have? Get with your family--tell them you have broken up with this guy and you've seen what he's been doing. Go out with your family! Get back to spending time with them again... also, see if you can reconcile with some of your friends.

Keep in touch with others! Make new friends! There's a variety of things for you to see and do, and there's no reason why you can't get back to living a life BEYOND this man!


Kaylar,

Keep up those insightful posts!
I love the way you put things.

[kaylar]

HOW ABUSIVE MEN KEEP THEIR WOMEN

"You'll never find anyone who will love you
as I do."

This gem is usually said after a beating,
a humiliation, or torture.

It is part of the 'house of twisted mirrors'
the abused wife resides in.

It is designed to do two things;

one, portray the abuser as being in love with the victim
two, make the victim believe she is not lovable and that
it is only this man who can and will love her.

As a corollary to this statement is that;

"No one else would put up with your { }"

and

"You see you have any friends?"

The Abuser must reduce the victim to a non-person
who does not feel worthy to live. Suicidal tendency
are produced when the Abuser wins.

By separating the victim from society, becoming the
only 'input', the Abuser becomes the Avatar. He moves
from man to god...and everything thing he thinks or
says has life/death impact.

He can get his victim to kill herself by retraction.
He enjoys this.
He will deny himself pleasure knowing that he is
hurting her, because hurting her is the most
important thing in his life.

There is a dynamic in an abusive relationship; he feeds
off his victims pain. The worse he can make her feel
about herself, the more dominion he can evidence,
the better he feels.

the idea that he is the 'only one' who will ever love
her, is a very powerful weapon. It is, however, made
of smoke.

Don't ever think this is the 'only man' for you. He isn't.
There are men out there who never abuse their women.
Never.
There are men out there so superior to this guy he
can't reach their ankle.

Don't ever believe there is anything special about this
guy or that there's any special link between you.

Every abuser who loses his victim finds another and
goes through the same exact pattern with her.

[dr.mansview]

takes jubes advice, it's very sound..