I can't have sex with you unless I'm in love with you

[MiniVanMan]

Greetings,

I've registered here so that I can try to gain a better understanding of the female mind. I really do find women fascinating in just about every way, so I hope you will help me out by answering my questions on occasion.

This particular post, I would like to know about the evolution of your sex drive near the beginning of your relationship with your lover. I have had several women who I was dating tell me "I can't have sex with you if I'm not in love with you". Fine, I'm not that way but I respected their right to do as they please.

The two women who did fall in love with me matched my strong sex drive at the beginning. For weeks or months they were sexual dynamos. All it took was to be in the same room with them and they would be, well, wet and ready. They were horny at the drop of a hat.

Then one day my touch that used to turn them on began to "tickle", and I was hearing "no" in response to my sexual advances. Far too often I was left wanting and she didn't seem to think that was a problem. As far as I knew *nothing had changed*. I was still the same person but now my lover no longer found me attractive. I became withdrawn, my self esteem plummeted, convinced I had done something wrong.

Eventually our love making dropped from everyday to once or twice a month, and I was miserable. With my wife, the vast majority of the time I tried to initiate sex I was refused. Years went by like this, sexually frustrated as I constantly tried to figure out what it was that I'd done wrong. Too timid to ask her about it, I led a life of sadness.

After 15 years of marriage I found out that this is standard female behavior. My wife tells me that her sexual desire fell because the novelty had worn off, but she didn't love me any less because of it. I spoke to my best friend's wife and she told me basically the same thing. She said she still loved her husband, just "not in that way anymore".

In couples counseling our female counselor confirmed this and seemed surprised that I was upset about it. When I claimed that my wife had changed not long after getting married, she said that, no, my wife hadn't changed, it's just that she didn't want sex so much anymore. Well to me, this was indeed a change.

This is the first I've heard of this phenomenon, but women I've talked to seem surprised that I didn't know about it. It blows me away that as a woman gets closer to a man, her sexual desire actually wanes. Heck, my desire is as strong as the day I was married.

After giving it some of thought, I have come to the conclusion that women are intentionally misleading when they claim that they can't have sex with a man unless she's in love with him. I think in actual fact that a woman won't have sex with a man unless she's *falling* in love with him. The sexual desire flows as long as he's new and exciting, but the moment he commits to the relationship her sex drive diminishes and *she's OK with that*, while the clueless man spends his life feeling betrayed.

I wish someone had told me when I was young that women do this to men. I think I would have been better prepared for relationships and not so bitter (a word my wife used to describe my reaction). Thankfully, after many intimate talks, my wife now understands that this is an important issue for me, and is doing her best to respond to my sexual advances once again.

So what do you think? Do you agree that this is typical of a woman's reaction to commitment?

Did your sex drive severely diminish after getting married? If so, how did your husband react?

How would you feel if, not long after marriage, your favorite trait in your husband disappeared and he didn't seem to care? In fact, he was surprised that you didn't expect it?

- MiniVanMan

[Fallen1]

Funny thing, most females I'm around claim it's the other way around - once the male has a ring on the females finger he changers.

I wouldn't say this is true for all females. I do however from my experience know that my sexual drive has changed over the years. I remember it dying off in my mid to late 20's. It wasn't to the point that I didn't want it anymore it was just that it didn't matter if I got it or not, which was a good thing considering my husband (ex now) was not sexually driven at all. I was lucky to get once a week, sometimes it would be once a couple of weeks even longer at times. But then one day, I think I was about 32, I woke up and it was like I was a different person. Just the sight of a male would get me all worked up. So I am a perfect example of the saying "a female hits her sexual peak/prime in her 30's".

My thinking on this is that maybe it can be attributed to the change in our hormones.

[anonymouswhitefemale]

(I'm a man)

I think it today's culture a lot of the woman having sex is due to her sealing the deal, and ensuring that you return... Once it gets to the point where you'd be mean to leave them on a sexual basis, the game board changes. At least until they hit their sexual peak (around 30-35) at which point they become more active (and I'm sure they would be very forthright and angry if they were left frustrated at this point).

Unfortunately this is one of the reasons I don't see a long term relationship as a real possibility for me.

What offends me about this situation, as that they dont feel like their not living up to their responsibilities or whatever, just that their partner needs to accomodate whatever they want.

I know my girl gets very hurt when I turn her down, since men are always supposed to want sex. However, it's fine for her to turn me down, as I don't have feelings at all.

Unfortunately, a lot of these women won't actually have feelings for the guy (IMO) and just use them as an emotional/financial support system.


A big problem, very similar to that of this post, is when advances are systematically and persistantly rejected, however then the woman starts getting upset and offended that you aren't making the same effort you were (when you weren't getting routinely shot down).


I think partners of both sexes need to be more eager to make sure thier partner is satisfied. It seems like it is an area all too often ignored, and arguably what the relationship was founded upon (for the male). If you care for someone, I don't know why you wouldn't put in what is relatively litte effort to make them happy.

[Franny&Zooey]

I've only been dating the same man for 19 months now, and although we talk about and plan on getting married, we aren't as of right now. I can honestly tell you that after only about eleven months, my sex drive went way down. The relationship was still very new and so was sex, being that I was a virgin before dating him. After going through about a month of what you described- him advancing, me refusing - he stopped advancing. Everything was fine for about a week, then I really wanted him more, simply because he didn't tell me that he wanted me. Since then, instead of having intercourse at least once every day, or more, we space it out better. Although it's not just once or twice a month, more like twelve times a month. We try to make every time different. Different places, positions, the order of things, etc. I can't imagine what to do in your situation, but I can say that I am proof of this female tendency. I'll get back to you after we actually get married, and let you know if it's gotten worse.

[LadyLane]

Franny, love your name!! Best book.

Anyway, just over 35, I'm as horny as I was at 17, except now armed with all the knowledge and wisdom and tricks. Lots of tricks.

And I'm in a sexless marriage. My husband could care less if we ever have it, and I'm tired of being rejected. Its a long story, he is not having an affair. I just live without. And when we did have it, it was always scorching, all things allowed, nothing was taboo.

So, MiniVanMan, whaddya think about THAT?

[roxxie1]

I am one of those girls who likes to wait. if not till i am in love at least til i feel he is IN. You know he wants to be with me emotionally and physically and be with me only and call all the time etc. high expectations? anyway when he sees i am really into him he cant understand why i would want to wait. sick of explaining to guys. does no one wait anymore. i am 38

[MiniVanMan]

Franny&Zooey:

Why do you think your sex drive diminished after 11 months?

LadyLane:

Where were you years ago when I was looking for a girlfriend?

[Franny&Zooey]

Franny&Zooey:

Why do you think your sex drive diminished after 11 months?

Honestly I think it's simply because we had TOO much sex. I didn't think there was such a thing, but there is, and we both have a very high sex drive. It got to the point where we had sex almost four times a day for months. It became more like a chore to me than anything else. Wake up, have sex. Break for lunch, have sex. Go to bed, have sex. The passion and spice was lost, and for brief moments, I thought that that was all my b/f actually cared about. After stopping, I realized that wasn't the case and we found a compromise without even realizing it. We don't have sex every day, or at the same time (ex. before going to bed). We try to keep it more spontaneous, which has made all the difference.

I was also going through a personal turmoil as well. He has been with three other women, whereas he was my first. In my mind I kept comparing myself to the other women, how I was doing things, how I looked, how he looked at me, etc. Realizing that it was all in the past and he wanted to be with me, I got over it.

[Franny&Zooey]

Franny, love your name!! Best book.

Thank you.

[LadyLane]

MiniVanMan -

Probably not dating guys with minivans!! LOL, just kidding.