Response to Old Threads Re:Porn, Anal, Self-Pleasure, etc.

[Daffodils&Cream]

Uhm, Where do I start? If you have read any of my other responses or threads I tend to be very delicate and gentle- no so here, I'm taking off my self-conscious robe and laying it all on the table:

I've read a few older threads that in my mind have become all related to one another by comparing them to my own experiences. I'm actually really happy to be able to "weave" all these "threads" (sad pun, I know) together to form a sense my own personal standing. So I'll post this as a this-is-what-i-think post...No one may actually CARE that I have these conclusions, but this is what this forum is all about; bouncing our experiences and thoughts off one another and learning about OURSELVES in the process...

Thoughts based on my (rather limited) life experiences as a 26 year old married mother of 2...(young to some of you, I know; in the same boat to some, maybe; older than a few...)

1.Oral Sex: Love to give it to my man- esp. if we don't have much time for a tryst or if I am flowing too heavily during my period or something. Have never climaxed from it though when performed on me. ( Is seem to be more of a G-spot person than a Cl*t person. Maybe lack of "how-to" on my husband's part, but occasionally- during sex- when all slippery it's nice to smother his face in me

2."Riding"/ Being on top: My favorite position- nice to feel in control of myself and my sexuality- very freeing; orgasmic-

3. Being Rejected for sex by partner: Very common in my relationship. I would like it 3 or 4 times a week and he is happy with once & occasionally twice a week. I really have been trying to work on not getting sarcastic and resentful whrn he does decline if I try to initiate something. There is nothing no more half-hearted experience than having sex when you or the other was"guilted" into it. This topic comes up a lot in our relationship. DH works a very physical job (has had 3 surgeries caused by prolonged physical activity on the job to prove it) and I know that this is the reason he doesn't feel up to it most of the time, but this subject delves into a couple other areas as well...

4.He jokes that I am nympho- no so. I don't believe that masturbation is right for me...great for others- fine, but just not for me. I can't do that whole fantasy touching myself thing- i don't know why. But I'm comfortable with not having that as a part of my sex-life. My husband on the other hand does masturbate on occasion- "to clean out the pipes" in the morning or if we haven't been with each other for a while (he works days I work PT nights) Boils down to I only get my jollies off when we have sex together, but he can give himself a quick fix- that doesn't make me a nympho for wanting it 3 or 4 times a week...which now brings me to another area...

5.Because of my own personal feelings on the matter of masturbation- I was bothered at first that my husband did this, and I had to get over my own issues with it for me to accept that this is part of his sex-life. At first I was very hurt that he would rather have sex with his hand a few times a week than have sex with me, esp. if I was ready and waiting- and then being denied. He then explained (typing doesn't convey the necessary tenderness or embarrassment with which he explained this ) that sex sometimes requires too much time, and effort and is messy to get into sometimes, but all-in-all REAL sex is so much better, it doesn't compare with a HJ, but on occasion a quick HJ is all that is necessary. Then we talked about what masturbation is all about, which brings me to #6

6. The Spank Bank: I wanted to know who's faces were in the account. Much discomfort and prodding, thinking and accepting; and we came to a conclusion for the both of us: Bank account have only one deposit balance= MINE! My conservative religious feelings played a part in this b/c there is a scripture in Matthew where Christ said that "even to look at a woman so as to have a passion for her is to have done so with her in your heart" My husband was sensitive to my feelings on this matter and accepted. In turn, I have been more attentive to BJ and HJ's rather than full-on sex.

7. Based on #6 my husband has also agreed not to view anymore porn or whatever- he did so occasionally in the past, but we discussed the difference btwn admiring some-one's looks, (I'd be the first one to call his attention to check someone out- "Hey look at her- she's beautiful..etc" and approve of enjoying the beauty of human creation) and the btwn taking it too far with the unrealistic portrayal of women in porn. It was interesting to note though that he was very open with me as to what porn he had an interest in & I thought it was nice that the porn he preferred was the Natural Top 10- or whatever it's called- all natural women- somehow it made me feel better. So #6 & #7 boil down to how I feel about #8

8. Masturbation, fantasizing, and porn involving someone other than your partner is cheating. Go ahead- I know most of you disagree, but we're happy with that boundary in our marriage

9."Rimming"/ Anal Sex: We tried anal only once (him giving at my hesitant invite) and I think that we were uncomfortable with it- may try again n the future, but for now will leave that avenue unexplored. He has rimmed me a couple time while in the 69 position, and I felt a little weird about it- not put off just weird. He hasn't let me try either to him, yet- I don't think the option is open in his end (rear-end, Haha)

10. Final View: I am sad that I would like to wear lingerie and sexy frilly stuff and he views it as just one more thing to remove before having sex. He's been a little more attentive since the last discussion on this, by watching be undress or what not. He just never thinks to compliment or speak aloud what he's thinking It took some prodding to inform him that women need to be told these things and that I would like it if he enjoyed watching me undress etc.- that in the end it would help me accept my body as its changed, from having and nursing babies and I would feel better about myself knowing that he still admires the womanly-ness of my body. Really proud of him for making these efforts- only makes me love him more- Esp. when I look back to the beginning of our marriage, when were just fumbling around trying to figure things out & see the lovers we have become.

Okay, that's all I have to say on those subjects for now & will try not to take it too personally when you guys view this essay, but then don't post any responses

[bzmum6]

I think it is wonderful to that you shared your views on all these subjects, I think many of us have simular feeling as in the varying degree that our personal do's and don't's go. we may feel Wild in some area's and more missionary in others, and I think you are right on the money that it's all about the communication between you and you SO, that is the key to any satisfying and secure relationship.

Thank You for your input. maybe one of these days I will be brave enough to do the same.

[Fallen1]

Thanks for sharing your opinions/thoughts.


The only thing that caught my eye was how you seem to be dealing with the situation that you would prefer sex more often and he is happy with sex once or twice a week but will masturbate instead when you are willing. You must be a very understanding person.

I'm not in any way saying that masturbating is wrong, heck I do it myself on occasion but would much prefer sex with my partner. It seems to be a selfish thing to masturbate and then deny your partner leaving them wanting.

[Fallen1]

I responded on the duplicate thread so I thought I would put it here also so that the admin could delete the duplicate.


My reply -


Thanks for sharing your opinions/thoughts.


The only thing that caught my eye was how you seem to be dealing with the situation that you would prefer sex more often and he is happy with sex once or twice a week but will masturbate instead when you are willing. You must be a very understanding person.

I'm not in any way saying that masturbating is wrong, heck I do it myself on occasion but would much prefer sex with my partner. It seems to be a selfish thing to masturbate and then deny your partner leaving them wanting.

[Fallen1]

I copied my response to the duplicate thread so this one could be deleted by admin since it was a duplicate.

[C]

Thanks for sharing your opinions/thoughts.


The only thing that caught my eye was how you seem to be dealing with the situation that you would prefer sex more often and he is happy with sex once or twice a week but will masturbate instead when you are willing. You must be a very understanding person.

I'm not in any way saying that masturbating is wrong, heck I do it myself on occasion but would much prefer sex with my partner. It seems to be a selfish thing to masturbate and then deny your partner leaving them wanting.

Here I agree with you. I would never masturbate if this was taking something out of me that should be given to my lover. I belong to him and he to me. When I do masturbate, this never interfers with us. It is a me, bonus..... Actually I doubt if anything could interfer with a great bang. I could sometimes go a whole lot...like 24/7....Like so many of the women here, I just love sex.....OP should have her man try fingering her out between sexual relations. That can be a real kick and very often leads to hot sex.

[anonymouswhitefemale]

I'm a guy.

3. Being Rejected for sex by partner: Very common in my relationship. I would like it 3 or 4 times a week and he is happy with once & occasionally twice a week. I really have been trying to work on not getting sarcastic and resentful whrn he does decline if I try to initiate something. There is nothing no more half-hearted experience than having sex when you or the other was"guilted" into it.

This is an issue in my relationship as well. I'm turned down pretty often, often enough to stop my trying. That issue aside though, I turned her down ONE time, about 7 months ago, and she still brings it up. Like she's so hurt that one time I wasn't in the mood: "you're a guy, you always want sex, if you turn me down it's because you hate me". It actually really ****es me off that she thinks it's just so much more hurtful for a woman to be turned down than a man - she doesn't think twice about turning me down. The whole guilt thing is true too... It's impossible to enjoy something knowing that the other person is just doing it as a favour.

5.Because of my own personal feelings on the matter of masturbation- I was bothered at first that my husband did this, and I had to get over my own issues with it for me to accept that this is part of his sex-life. At first I was very hurt that he would rather have sex with his hand a few times a week than have sex with me, esp. if I was ready and waiting- and then being denied.

It's not a great sign if he's choosing masturbation above sex, but it is true that it can be used as a relief of pressure, stress and pleasure. Sex can sometimes be a bit much, in that you're priorities are on making the other person happy, leaving little time for yourself.

6. The Spank Bank: I wanted to know who's faces were in the account. Much discomfort and prodding, thinking and accepting; and we came to a conclusion for the both of us: Bank account have only one deposit balance= MINE! My conservative religious feelings played a part in this b/c there is a scripture in Matthew where Christ said that "even to look at a woman so as to have a passion for her is to have done so with her in your heart" My husband was sensitive to my feelings on this matter and accepted. In turn, I have been more attentive to BJ and HJ's rather than full-on sex.

I'm not quite sure what you're saying here, but it's something along the lines of he's cheating on you if he ever thinks about sex with anyone but yourself? I'm sorry to be the one to break it to you, but the chances are he's cheating on you daily. We men are hard-wired to think about sex, and we can channel it with our intellects, but our concious minds are still essentially animalistic. I also think it'd be a bit harsh of Jesus to create us this way, and then assign such a heavy amount of blame on something that the very chemicals we're made up of make happen.

7. Based on #6 my husband has also agreed not to view anymore porn or whatever- he did so occasionally in the past, but we discussed the difference btwn admiring some-one's looks, (I'd be the first one to call his attention to check someone out- "Hey look at her- she's beautiful..etc" and approve of enjoying the beauty of human creation) and the btwn taking it too far with the unrealistic portrayal of women in porn.

8. Masturbation, fantasizing, and porn involving someone other than your partner is cheating. Go ahead- I know most of you disagree, but we're happy with that boundary in our marriage

This is all well and good, but when he's masturbating with his eyes closed, what is the garuntee he's thinking of you 100% of the time? Our minds are chaotic places, difficult to tame even if we want to. Women are wired differently than men in this way, men DO think about sex with multiple women. I think we see it as doing our part to be monogomous by not actually doing it, but we don't see erotic thought as cheating. It's great if he can make himself only think about you and enjoy it, but I fear that he's been forced into telling a white lie to keep you happy.

[C]

When he is masturbating by himself, wherever he is in his mind, he is taking away from his partner. He has his ejaculation and thrill of the moment that he and only he is enjoying. What he is doing for himself, should be done to his partner. This is selfish when she pleads for more sex. If a man is not getting enough sex from his wife then so be it. Jack off until he is blue in the face. Wear the darn thing off, BUT if she wants what he is holding back, it is not right......

[Daffodils&Cream]

Thank you for your responses to this, it's nice to be heard by someone on the outside to see if you are processing life along the same pace as other people. Please keep in mind that despite my lengthy lecturous posting I DO approach life & Especially sex with a sense of humor:

A few clarifications seem to be in order...

About him masturbating...I told him that it was upsetting if he was turning me down and then getting off himself- there was something unloving in that and selfish. You are right, Fallen, Caroline & Anonymouswhitefemale, that it should not replace sex and we have discussed this- I believe he is working on it- his declining is on the decline He knows that I am okay with his materbating to relieve pressure or whatever, but that I don't want to be put aside before or after. If he did it this morning that's fine, but then if I initiate having sex tonight -well then it's my turn to be pleasured, too. Fair is fair Don't put me off b/c you already got off!

And to clarify a bit about the fantasies/ porn etc.
Anonymouswhitefemale, you are right again- I don't want a guaruntee that he's ONLY thinking of me ALL the time while w***ing off...I guess I just don't want those other thoughts to have a "name"- I want to dominate his thoughts and his sexual life (Maybe that's a hint towards where I'd like to go...dominating ) He explained it to me when I asked him, and you might verify it for me, that when a guy is pleasuring himself it's like flashes or images and sexy, sensual, erotic images running through your mind- not always a "storyline" as I thought...

I understand we are creatures controlled by hormones and chemical reactions to life around us, and am mature enough (I'd like to think) to realize, as well, that we have urges & thought processes that we can't always contol- In a perfect world- I want to be all he ever needs...

[Fallen1]

I'm not quite sure what you're saying here, but it's something along the lines of he's cheating on you if he ever thinks about sex with anyone but yourself? I'm sorry to be the one to break it to you, but the chances are he's cheating on you daily. We men are hard-wired to think about sex, and we can channel it with our intellects, but our concious minds are still essentially animalistic. I also think it'd be a bit harsh of Jesus to create us this way, and then assign such a heavy amount of blame on something that the very chemicals we're made up of make happen.

Let me see if I can put my thoughts on this into words.

I am familiar with the scripture she has quoted and this is what I have concluded it to mean. I don't take it to mean that any fleeting thought that enters your mind, none of us can control what random thoughts pop into our heads. It's what we do with those thoughts and how we react to them. If a man (and I do believe man was used in a general sense here to mean mankind and include females in this) has a fleeting thought/fantasy I don't believe this as cheating but I do think it can turn into what we could classify as cheating. If we start to entertain these fantasies and thoughts to a point of scheming what we need to do to make it a reality then it crosses into the cheating classification.