Update after counseling

[FedUp7777]

His comment: "I know I control her, but it's like a gift... when you give someone a gift you cannot take it away. She gave me control over her and now she cannot just decide to take it away."

I told him I didn't want to live with him right now. I told the couselor when asked if I felt comfortable and safe living with him and wanted to work things out I said "no, I cannot feel safe with someone who does not respect me, controls me, and someone I am afraid of". She said "I know".

He admitted to controlling me, calling to check up, trying to find out what I am thinking at all times. She didn't seem to be concerned. She did tell him his forceful body language and loud forceful voice was something uncomfortable for most people and particularly me since I grew up in an abusive home. He said sorry, thats the way he is and he is not resonsible for my screwed up childhood, but that I needed to fix that and not bring it on him. She tried to tell him how to change it. She asked if I was willing to offer him words of affirmation each day to encourage him because he felt insecure about the direction of the marriage and if I wanted to stay in it. I said I am the one that said I wanted out 2 months ago. He wanted counseling and to 'fix' everything. I was not able to offer him anything until he was willing to show me some respect and stop controlling. She told me I needed to do my part to help him because he was crying out for help. She told me to encourage him everyday and to write down words that he could use to show me respect because he didn't know what meant by respect.

Then she told us we needed to learn active listening skills and do a relationship assessment and would see us in 2 weeks.

WTF?????

After getting home I initiated the conversation again and asked if he had heard me. He said yes, and knew I didin't want to be with him but had no other real options. If I wanted to be separated I could do that still living in the same house. He told me years ago that I should never ever get in a word sparing contest with him unless I had a death wish. I do not think he meant physical death wish but mental. He said he would always win at all costs. I asked last night if he still felt that way and he said yes, he will win at all costs. I asked what part of love did that play into a marriage. He told me I was twisiting things again.

I told him if he wanted to maintain the marriage he would have to approach me like when we first met, flirt, enamore me, win me back and let me start to regain trust from the beginning. He would not be allowed any sort of control whatso ever. He said he wouldn't last very long that way. I asked if he loved me or needed me. He said both. I asked if he liked me acting independent and refusing his control and he said absolutely not! He needed to control me to feel loved.

[anonymouswhitefemale]

Jesus, this guy sounds like a funking psychopath. You need to get away from him as soon as possible. You will NEVER be happy with him. YOU don't have to deal with HIS baggage, not the other way round. There are reasons behind every ourshole, and that doesn't excuse it; rapists, paedophiles, violent people, Hitler.

You shouldn't need guidance not to be a creepy, dominating horrible bar stuard. And you should not be expected to give it.

The fact that you're still reluctant to leave him (you are still bothering with councelling) is testimony to the power he has over you.. Please, just give up on salvaging anything, there are people who will treat you properly, and once you find one you'll hate yourself for every second you spent with him.

[alibaby]

Your husband says he needs to be in control of you to feel loved?!!! Controlling you is a "gift"?!!! I think you should be very concerned about those statements. You can still work on the marriage if you think it's worth trying to save, but seriously consider separating. It sounds like being with him puts you in a dangerous situation.

[FedUp7777]

I have herd that couseling can make things worse. I think that is happening. In speaking of how he does not show any respect for me, he said he didn't know how to do that. The couselor told me I need to teach him. That I need to write down things or words that would show me respect. I told her I didn't exactly know myself, because you just know it when someone shows you respect and that you know it when they do not. That either they do or do not, I didn't see how you can force a grownup tp show respect if they do not want to. So after couseling he used it against me to say even the therapist admitted that I do not know what I want by way of respect so it is all my problem.

[anonymouswhitefemale]

Coucelling can make things worse because it brings up what's been swept under the rug... You might actually learn how they think about things.. The issues existed before the councelling, it's just doing it's job and bringing the problems to the forefront.

The very fact that he's still trying to turn it against you should be telling you something.

Even if he could learn to be respectful, it could take years, and even then he'd only be learning enough to keep you from leaving, because he likes where your relationship is, he doesn't want to lose his element of power. It's an uphill struggle, and one which will tire you endlessly, and leave you spriritually drained.

[Little]

If he likes controlling a woman, let him find a woman who likes to be controlled.
Granted, it would be irresponsible of a psychologist to deny your husband's needs in this relationship. For all she knows by now, you could secretly be an awful spouse and she hasn't figured it out yet. See it from her perspective ...
But also be sensible. She may be a professional, but she doesn't know you yet. So if her advice seems wacky, you might still want to try it for a while ... but you may also decide that it just isn't going to work.

[rcoreyus]

I am seeing so many things that worry me -a lot. I usually suggest that people with children think very hard about leaving a relationship, but this one seems very bad to me. A lot of his comments sound like implied threats. I think your counselor is way off base. If you have any where to go, please consider leaving as soon as you can. If you don't have somewhere to go, find a place.

[macybelle]

I think your counselor is from another planet and I think you should be very afraid. Just because he admits his demons doesn't meant he won't act on them. If I were you I would run not walk away from this man.
You will never change him and he played you in the beginning because he knew that if he showed you his controlling side you would never have given him a chance. He will do it to the next woman who comes into his life and I would almost bet that he did it in the past. Please take care of yourself because when they feel out of control they become a danger. I have seen it before and it's not healthy to be in that kind of relationship. I have a link I would like for you to look at please for your safety and sanity. Controlling Relationships Sec. 16 - Warning Signs you are Involved with a “Controller”
If you don't take my word please read what this article has to say. My dad's best friend was this kind of man and I watch him repeatedly abuse is wive verbally, physically and psychologically. She is now free of him and very happy with her life. She will always love him but she knows that she can never have him or it would be a repeat of their life before.
Good luck to you!

[sourpuss]

Your husband says he needs to be in control of you to feel loved?!!! Controlling you is a "gift"?!!! I think you should be very concerned about those statements. You can still work on the marriage if you think it's worth trying to save, but seriously consider separating. It sounds like being with him puts you in a dangerous situation.

I couldn't agree more.

[LadyLane]

Um, the first word that comes to mind is manipulation. The second is... did he PAY the therapist to say that?? What therapist hears a man say he wants complete control over his wife, mentally physically and emotionally, and then tells YOU that YOU have to ENCOURAGE him to respect you??

For the love of God, get a new therapist. Many people that need help end up with therapists who do nothing for them because its the wrong fit.

By the way, what was HIS homework?