Non-commited sex

[C]

Yep, that was the only point i was trying to make. I agree that a woman feels more "intimate" then, with the man she ends up, be it after 1 week, or 1 year, being "intimate with that man more so than he may with her in the immediate terminology"... It's an instinct of emotions that women have, i think more so than men. I think confidence plays more of a key where love plays a role, as aposed to lonliness...

Yes, i guess your bond " glue" stuck very well.....

Now i'll stop before i get accused of changing the question around for this thread....

No, that is a very bad habit that I must break.....Stick to the thread.... Take care....Very good glue.... C

[Dollface2008]

"I think this thread as he was a friend first. Bonded a friendship, then she kind of liked his attitude enough to sleep with him, then feelings came into play after a few times as she "bonded" intimately, and therefore she now has stronger feelings.

So she is trying to work out if he does to, as she has "fallen" after sleeping with him a few times, or whether he is just having sex with her " friend's benefits" as her title suggests."
-CW

you make alot of sence to me CW and I value your advice because it feels as though you come from a higher place of thinking then I do. I did like his attitude enough to sleep with him when we were just friends. The little twist in the whole story however is that I used to have a best friend whom I was tied at the hip to for a good year we got along really well and I had a great deal of trust in her. Up untill this summer when she let me take the blame for something she did. The situation was awful and it ended our friendship. However my "friend with benifit" right now used to have sex with my ex best friend on a regular basis. And he would tell me about it but they were never good friends at all, they were just sex. The guy and I considered eachother our best friends of the opposite sex and would tell eachother everything last year when we were just friends. However, now I feel as though he has made me into what she was, because we talk alot less and have alot more sex. The other night after we had slept together we were laying there and I asked him if I was like her to him and he said "Nooo why would you even bring her up right now?" and got a bit defensive.

On the other note. I understand why he dropped out of school, school was never his thing and he is much better at doing manual labor then sitting at a desk all day. I understand this. But Sometimes I fear that he acts to much with his heart and not enough with his brain, and if we ever became bf and gf I would need him to be smarter about his decisions that are going to affect his whole life. It seems like I'm always looking out for him as long as ive known him, because knowone else really does. So its hard for me to just get rid of him because without me he doesnt really understand the weight of his poor decisions.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

-CW

The little twist in the whole story however is that I used to have a best friend whom I was tied at the hip to for a good year we got along really well and I had a great deal of trust in her. Up untill this summer when she let me take the blame for something she did. The situation was awful and it ended our friendship. However my "friend with benifit" right now used to have sex with my ex best friend on a regular basis. And he would tell me about it but they were never good friends at all, they were just sex. The guy and I considered eachother our best friends of the opposite sex and would tell eachother everything last year when we were just friends. However, now I feel as though he has made me into what she was, because we talk alot less and have alot more sex. The other night after we had slept together we were laying there and I asked him if I was like her to him and he said "Nooo why would you even bring her up right now?" and got a bit defensive.

Sorry had to cut some out, it's a long story to read back and reply...lol.

Well i see two things, it happens a lot. When your "girlfriend" brags about a boy she is sleeping with, which she probably did if you were joined at the hip, you start to wonder, maybe day dream a bit. I learn't the hard way as a young lady, my best girl became my enemy as she slept with my guy whilst i was going out with him.

So, 1) that could have constituted the initial attraction of changing from friends to "friend's benefits" as also, that is all she was so why not? attitude.

2) Subconciously, you may very well have wanted to show him that you are a much better "lover" than she was, a kind of payback thing....

So you kind of "made yourself" into what she was if that makes sense.

Having said that, that's all she was, that's all you are ( at least at the moment) maybe that's all he is interested in, not any relationships.

And our "inner child" that little emotional insecure one comes out to play.... and play.... and play... gee our mind becomes a mess hey?

On the other note. I understand why he dropped out of school, school was never his thing and he is much better at doing manual labor then sitting at a desk all day. I understand this.

Not much wrong there i don't think. My ex- husband was a Constructions Engineer and he trains in that field now. Some guys hate the "bookworm" life and prefer the rugged, plus money is better.


But Sometimes I fear that he acts to much with his heart and not enough with his brain, and if we ever became bf and gf I would need him to be smarter about his decisions that are going to affect his whole life.

So what is he doing that is with his heart? I think the work side is okay? And, hun, if he is "not your type" in other words you are looking for a certain type of person and not the type that he is showing you with his decisions, then don't even go there. You can't change someone, you need to have that "like / like" relationship. You may do different things have different hobbies but you know, agree on a lot in life.

It seems like I'm always looking out for him as long as ive known him, because knowone else really does. So its hard for me to just get rid of him because without me he doesnt really understand the weight of his poor decisions.[/quote]

That's the "Mother instinct" in us. It can also make you a controlling person so be careful there. He needs to be you, you need to be you, as i said, you can't make his decisions for him you can make suggestions but it's his life..

So, i am tending to think, get the friendship back, stop the sex bit, concentrate on what you want in life, be there as a friend and have the fun you did before.

Regain that dignity ( i mean that nicely) in as much as not feeling like you are the same person as that ex girlfriend who let you down, so be tougher and stronger by walking out on that side, you show that you are "more woman", does that make sense?

You obviously loved him as a friend. Strange, you can be sexually attracted to friends, as you feel that they understand you and know you and visa versa and head down wanting a relationship path.

But i think you want him to be different as well and he's not acting enough as bf gf, future stuff, rather what he is used to "friends with benefits" or "women that are casual but one on one" type of stuff, no relationship involved.

I think if you asked him if he wanted to be, he'd run... Not from you but just the idea of it with anyone.

And, by going back as friends, if you feel that strong connection other than sex, and like him for who he is, he may very well see that side as well and i know heaps of "friends" that ended up together in the long run.

Two of my favourite sayings:-

"Absense makes the heart grow fonder"

"If you love someone set them free, if they come back to you they're yours if they don't they never were"

PS: There is always a "twist", all good.


(C) Take care back.

[Dollface2008]

wow. holy ****. i think that was quite possibly the best **** advice i have ever gotten on the situation. and i think you are right. i am hopeing and hopeing that i will be the one to change him and make him into a relationship person, but i really think that he never will be one. When we were good friends before he would joke to me and our friends about how he wanted to marry me because im the only girl who really understands him and a part of me would get all giddy and be like wow thats a nice complement. and it really bothers me on a daily basis how we dont ever talk anymore really and that i went from someone who he really respected and cared about to just some girl he calls for sex. and i really am just turning into her. and that really sucks i think ive always known it but never wanted to accept it. thank you for helping me. i really appreciate it. i think im offically going to say im done having sex with him. I need my friend more then i need to get laid.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

wow. holy ****. i think that was quite possibly the best **** advice i have ever gotten on the situation. and i think you are right. i am hopeing and hopeing that i will be the one to change him and make him into a relationship person, but i really think that he never will be one. When we were good friends before he would joke to me and our friends about how he wanted to marry me because im the only girl who really understands him and a part of me would get all giddy and be like wow thats a nice complement. and it really bothers me on a daily basis how we dont ever talk anymore really and that i went from someone who he really respected and cared about to just some girl he calls for sex. and i really am just turning into her. and that really sucks i think ive always known it but never wanted to accept it. thank you for helping me. i really appreciate it. i think im offically going to say im done having sex with him. I need my friend more then i need to get laid.

Don't swear, it's not lady like, (only joking)...

I dont believe your "turning into her" you just don't need to be the same that's all. You can get that back, as i said, to go back a few steps and re-gain the friendship, see what happens later but concentrate only on the friendship not with those "hidden agenda's" you know what i mean and stand tall, "no" laugh, we're just mates plus i respect you..... so he knows that you are in fact a lady, you just needed him so to speak at the time...

Friends my Mother taught me " you can count on your fingers" aquaintenances are in abundance.

Yep, between you and me ( and everyone else because they know) it will 12 months by the time i venture to the sex thing again, after my break up, only because i met him 5 months on that date, and well, he doesn't live here and i'm prepared to wait to see..


But in the meantime, i've learn't about my own body and trust me, it's not the same but i have had a wicked time, better than i have every had with any relationship to be frank... So, being laid is not as important you are right there.

Best wishes in all of this....

I have male friends, they are great for advice

Lastly: re:- now verses later?

If he is truly your friend, don't jepodise it for either of you, it will be for life (one way or the other).....

PS: I'm not old enough for wisdom but 44 years, does give me a bit of background to work with.....

[Dollface2008]

I am going to focus on the friendship thing now. I think that would be the best move for me. It's really hard to not want to be intimate with him because I really like him and enjoy being in his arms and what not. But the more I think about it I have realized that it really is just sex for him and I don't want to be that to him. And WOW 12 months without sex I commend you! haha I think I'm going to try and take a break because it's just not worth it to me, its to much of an emotional roller coster being friends with benifits. Especially when you feel like you care more for someone then they do for you. But thanks for the advice, it really helped to hear it from an outside source, that isnt my girlfriends who always tell me how dumb I am to keep hooking up with him. You should consider a career in counciling!

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Your decision but you know when you do become just "friends" again and it's "written" there will be no reason why either can't hug each other, or have their arms around each other from time to time we all need a hug. Friends are good at that. If you keep those "emotions" in tact. I learn't a long time ago, better to get outside advice than people to close to you, as some have hidden agendas. Like getting their mate back 24/7 that they miss which isn't a bad thing but i think you know what i mean. 12 Months, na, I've done it for 18... but then the poor guy that i end up with doesn't get a break It's more about not wanting to "waste" emotions and just do it for the sake of doing it, can't see the point without "feelings". If you have made that decision, remember to tell him it's because he means more to you as a friend and you don't want to lose that. Don't be suprised if he says " we are" so it doesn't matter. Guys don't like to lose that sexual partner either, as they are left on their own so to speak so be aware that he may very well try to turn you around. Make a joke if you want', ah your just missing the sex side, the rest is still her, plenty women out there for that, type of thing. Thanks for the compliment thought of it often throughout my life but that would be constant study and i'm all studied out, i prefer practical these days, not theory Be great though to hear how you go... CW

[Dollface2008]

I will definatly keep you posted. Seeing as how tonight is friday night and also a comman night for him to all me, because he likes to drink and so do I. Hopefully that won't affect my judgement. But I went over this with my friend today and she agrees with you. (she always has) So I will let you know how our talk and stuff goes. I would like to tel him what I think in person but I know if I do that tonight, hes going to be persistant and my future tipsy self may not be able to meet up and tell him. It would be to much temptation.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I will definatly keep you posted. Seeing as how tonight is friday night and also a comman night for him to all me, because he likes to drink and so do I. Hopefully that won't affect my judgement. But I went over this with my friend today and she agrees with you. (she always has) So I will let you know how our talk and stuff goes. I would like to tel him what I think in person but I know if I do that tonight, hes going to be persistant and my future tipsy self may not be able to meet up and tell him. It would be to much temptation.

There is a "she devil inside of me" so i'm not answering anymore

[Dollface2008]

about to go hang out with him and not have sex! wish me luck!