Help from Moms who have tween daughters

[janart]

Hey Moms,
Let me first start off with saying thank you for reading this. I am struggling really bad. First let me say that I have suffered from depression for a long time. My daughter has been what kept me going since my Mom passed away 8 years ago. My daughter is 11 now. I'm serious about this, things seems like they have changed in a matter of months. You know the things like not wanting to cuddle anymore, rather talk on her cell phone to her friends, seems more quite. She used to tell me when boys in class would give her notes or if they liked her. I noticed a boys pic on her cell phone and when I asked her the deal she acted like she didn't want to tell me. She admitted that he was her "boyfriend". I asked her why she didn't tell us about it and she said she didn't want us to tease her about it. I told her I was sorry that she felt that way and that I wanted her to feel like she could talk to me about anything. Also all of her friends have started their periods already and I can tell that she will be soon by the discharge that she is having. Also oh my gosh she has already filled out down there and matureing up top. Which she tries to hide from me also. So much younger these days!!! Anyway I happened upon a book that they were selling at a big library sell. It's called "Growing up Female". It talks about starting your period etc. When I showed it to her she rolled her eyes at me and told me she doesn't want to read it and she couldn't tell me why she just doesn't want to. I asked her why she was acting so bashful about it and she said I dont know. I said is it because your not ready for it and she said I guess. Okay people I know some of you may think that I am crazy but I feel like I am loseing my daughter. I'm under alot of stress with other things but this is sending me over the top. I am really sad that she is growing up and not needing me or wanting me like before. How can I get past this? I don't want to push her away and seem like a crazy Mom that can't let go. I'm trying to hold this all in, even my husband doesn't know how I am hurting. He knows I'm acting more stressed but doesn't realize how bad. Would someone who has been thru this please reply to me and tell me how you got thu it. No one knows unless they have been thu it so please let me hear from yall. I'm really hurting and just want to cry all the time!!

Thanks so much

[Little]

As a tween of not-so-long-ago ...
Looks to me like you're doing all the right things that you can. Trying to communicate with her, trying to be there for her, apologizing where necessary.
Hopefully she'll come around

[Jade34]

Don t be afraid of losing your daughter... won t happen so long as you continue to stay calm and always let her know you will be there for her... perhaps you should step back just a little.. l have 5 children... M 26...F 24...M19..F14..F11... ouchy it can be such a heart renching task.being a mum..as with dads.. be aware of what is going on in her life..however it is time to step back a little... at home slip in a quick .. love ya...often...she will come around and give you that special cuddle when you least expect it... kids these days tend to grow up so quickly.. it just isn t kool to be mums good friend at this time in her life....plus she s hit the notion... lm not a baby mum.. gees... l tend to get that flung at me often by my 11 yr old.. and alas l was just trying to help her.. but hey thats kool... keep up the great job you are already doing... just calm down a tad.. talk it over with hubby... lol thats if he s any help in that department.. no offence to the dads out there... we females... mums do tend to over react at times but hey its cause we care.. best o luck to you

[deabell]

To Janart
My daughter is 10 and still snuggles and says she loves me etc...but instead if wanting to stay home for family fri. nights she wants to spend time with friends instead and things along that nature...i know it is beginning!
My thought for you (and for me!!) is to think back to when they were young....how many times did you have to repeat yourself before they got it??!! How many times did you have to say "don't do this or this will be your punishment" and you had to stick to it and they learned not to do it??!!
Same concept here. I don't think it matters you got this wonderful book and she snubbed it...I think if you keep relentlessly be a good mom and keep repeating yourself, she will get it.Sooner or later she will. Repetition will pay off
Good luck to ya! (and to me!)

[Skybluupink]

I feel you. I 'had' a tween and for me it was just a stage (her going thru this tween stage). What matters most right now and what will carry you thru her teens is your relationship with her. She needs quality time with you - go for a girls day once or twice a month and just do some pampering. Don't ask questions, just let her talk as she becomes more comfortable sharing. There is a time to be a mom and a time to be a friend and you CAN do both. Keeping these two in balance is crucial. Don't try to be the 'cool' mom, just be open to listening without judgement. You can cry or talk about what you heard later to your husband or therapist or friend.

The more you connect with her the better and the same for your husband. Girls need their dads or some form of a male figure in their lives. Have them spend some quality time together as well. It doesn't have to always be something "she's" interested in, it could be a sports game that her dad is into, the key is that you all learn a little bit more about eachother and your interests so that you know eachother better and are better equipped to talking and holding conversations = communication. These small steps help kids to feel that they have something in common with the parent and eventually are more open to the idea of sharing what is going on with them or asking for help from their parents. Good luck to you!