Trust advice - need some help desperately :( please

[fairyprincess]

Hi, I'm new here, and I really didn't know where else to turn.. I need some advice about my new relationship..

I went through an abusive relationship when I was 17, where I was physically and mentally abused for 2 years. The guy also cheated on me constantly throughout our realtionship, and even slept with one of my 'friends'. When I left that situation, I was fine for a long while, really strong, and dated a bit but never fell for anyone. I met someone else after a while and it became pretty serious. I fell for him, and it was very difficult to trust him, and I'm not sure I ever did completely.. but the mistrust was justified - he cheated on me also, and was also a member of loads of dating websites and he lied to me a lot.

I got over this (or so I thought), and felt okay again. Recently, a good friend of mine and I kissed - and it developed into something really special. He's amazing - everything I could ask for in a boyfriend. He's trustworthy, he's open, he's not afraid to commit, he's kind, considerate, understanding. He's done *nothing* to suggest that he would hurt me, in fact I know deep down that he wont. He's perfect.. it was all just so perfect...

But in spite of all this - I still don't trust him. I'm always checking up on him, questioning him, reading into the things he says, obsessing over his previous partners, creating arguments with him for no good reason. I sit and think about his ex's, picture them together, and I always think that he's thinking about them. I flit from one problem to another, and I feel uncomfortable when things get too nice between us. He keeps saying that I seem to have forgotten who he is - when we were friends I trusted him implicitly, I told him everything - and I was even like it at the beginning of the relationship. But the more I fall for him, the worse I seem to get. Sometimes I break up with him just so that he gets upset and I know that he really cares. I'm really horrible - I make really sarcastic, horrible remarks. I'm not a nasty person- but I feel like I'm 2 different people.

The worst part is, is that I've also started to self-harm again because of it. It was something that started when I was with my first partner (the one who was violent), but I had been really good since then. But I can feel myself slipping. I have less and less motivation, I don't want to get out of bed. I feel sick all the time and I just don't want to be happy.

I know that this isn't HIS problem. I know the problem lies with me. I just don't know how to overcome them. I have borderline personality disorder, and I go to therapy for that, but it doesn't help. People don't seem to understand that I need active advice.. something I can do directly to stop it happening. I know I can't carry on like this because i'll drive him away.. and I'll never forgive myself if I lose him because of this..

Please, does anyone have any advice .. I'm really at the end of it, I don't know what to do..I really need some help..

[sourpuss]

Have you talked to your therapist about this?
You are sabotaging this relationship and it will end if you don't stop now. (but you already know that) Is it that deep down you think you don't deserve a nice guy who treats you right? What if you just gave in and trusted him and let all that go? What if you did that knowing that it may not work out yet again. I think you need to be ok with it possibly not working out. I do that a lot too, I avoid situations that I think could lead to being hurt or disappointed. But I think if you shift your focus on the present and just enjoy the fact that he treats you nice and you like him and now so much on his past or your future and all the what ifs then things will be a lot less stressful.

Do you tend to take relationships really seriously? What if you just decided to be casually dating and not such an exclusive boyfriend/girlfriend thing with so many expectations?

[fairyprincess]

Have you talked to your therapist about this?
You are sabotaging this relationship and it will end if you don't stop now. (but you already know that) Is it that deep down you think you don't deserve a nice guy who treats you right? What if you just gave in and trusted him and let all that go? What if you did that knowing that it may not work out yet again. I think you need to be ok with it possibly not working out. I do that a lot too, I avoid situations that I think could lead to being hurt or disappointed. But I think if you shift your focus on the present and just enjoy the fact that he treats you nice and you like him and now so much on his past or your future and all the what ifs then things will be a lot less stressful.

Do you tend to take relationships really seriously? What if you just decided to be casually dating and not such an exclusive boyfriend/girlfriend thing with so many expectations?

I've spoke to my therapist. The type of therapy I do though, they don't have much input, it's more of an outlet. And it doesn't help much. I wont give up on it, but I just don't feel any different after the sessions at all..

I've thought so many times that I just want to give in and trust him.. but it's so hard to do. It's not something I feel I can just snap out of, as much as I want to. In so many ways, it's easier to be like this.

I just feel confused. Because I really don't believe that he would cheat on me now, or do *anything* to hurt me. But I can't seem to let go of his past. And I accuse him and tell him I don't trust him. I'm hurting him a lot.

This is my third very serious relationship.. the original post explains what happened in the other two. Aside from them, I have dated without commitment and I find that okay because I feel in control. But I have fallen for this guy in a big way, and there's no option of turning back and just dating again. I want things to work with him so much.. and I know it might not be forever, and may not work out, but I don't want the reason for it ending to be me pushing him away and losing him through my behaviour.

I wish I could just openly trust him. Forget his past. But I just can't seem to.

I have thought about it, and why it is. And I think partly it's because I want him to know that I expect it to go wrong. With my first boyfriend, I was almost blind - and even though I knew a lot of the stuff as it was going on, I chose to ignore it. And at the end I felt like an idiot. I don't want to feel like that again - so I think if I show him that i think it's going to happen, if it does, I wont look like such a fool.

it's crazy. I don't understand myself.

Thanks for taking the time to reply, much appreciated

[anonymouswhitefemale]

Have you discussed this matter with him as candidly as you have with us? Does he know your history and that you don't really mean it, that you're testing him in a way, testing your relationship, pushing him away.

Does he even know you self harm? (pretty hard to hide, I'll warrent).

I think things might potentially get better if you can trust him enough to level with him about why you feel the way that you do.

[fairyprincess]

Have you discussed this matter with him as candidly as you have with us? Does he know your history and that you don't really mean it, that you're testing him in a way, testing your relationship, pushing him away.

Does he even know you self harm? (pretty hard to hide, I'll warrent).

I think things might potentially get better if you can trust him enough to level with him about why you feel the way that you do.

Thanks for the reply.

yes he knows the full story about my past. He knew some stuff from when we were friends (he was always very trustworthy and understanding, and I found it easy to open up to him), and I elaborated since we got together, because I felt he had a right to know (as it's clearly affecting how I am at the moment).

I couldn't speak more highly of him, and how he's been..He's really patient, and understanding when I get how I do.. I mean, there are times when i can feel that he's under a lot of strain and that it's getting to him, but generally he seems to realise why I am how I am, and he helps me through it by reassuring me.

But in some ways, I think how he is is actually worse....I can become quite manipulative when I get down (as I said before, I'm not a bad person, I just seem to switch between two different sides of my personality ), and in some ways I wish he was a bit firmer with me. But I'm not strong enough to tell him to stand his ground..

He's said to me that he'll stick by me for as long as it takes, and do everything he can. But I don't think it's a good idea to rely on him to reassure me everytime I feel down, or let him help me too much. I recognise that this problem is with me and therefore I need to solve it myself..I don't want to be like this anymore

As for the self harming.. he's seen the scars from before (it's difficult to hide it from someone you're intimate with), but he doesn't know I've done it recently (I've managed to hide it so far..), but it's only a matter of time before he sees it I think.

I think you're right about 'testing' him definitely. But I shouldn't have to.. he's proved that he loves me, he does it every day. It's not just what he says, it's how he acts also. I've found someone so perfect..and I'm just destructing it.. it's so hard

[CHANDLERS WISH]

A stab in the dark here.

I understand you think of now, then of the past and that is a hurdle in itself to jump over.

The only thing you can really do there is a "i don't care" approach, in other words, even if he cheated, there is a bonus, no physical abuse, so you've found someone whereby you know that that does not exist so at the worse, 50% better than the relationship you remember.

So concentrate on the fact that you've found someone whom is "better" than you've gone out with. Hopefully, you'll see the other 50% that he offers as well and realise that "it does exist" and you can be happy.

But, the self harm...

Have you tried hypnotherapy?

I understand that at Therapist allows your to talk, to assist.

But, a hypnotherapist can tap further into your subconcious mind and "tell you", it no longer exists and you "don't" have to hurt yourself anymore...

This may work for you.

CW

[fairyprincess]

A stab in the dark here.

I understand you think of now, then of the past and that is a hurdle in itself to jump over.

The only thing you can really do there is a "i don't care" approach, in other words, even if he cheated, there is a bonus, no physical abuse, so you've found someone whereby you know that that does not exist so at the worse, 50% better than the relationship you remember.

So concentrate on the fact that you've found someone whom is "better" than you've gone out with. Hopefully, you'll see the other 50% that he offers as well and realise that "it does exist" and you can be happy.

But, the self harm...

Have you tried hypnotherapy?

I understand that at Therapist allows your to talk, to assist.

But, a hypnotherapist can tap further into your subconcious mind and "tell you", it no longer exists and you "don't" have to hurt yourself anymore...

This may work for you.

CW

Hi, thanks ...

See the thing is. I don't know if I do this because I think he will cheat on me. In fact I'm pretty sure (most of the time, until I get in a state) that he wont. Although saying that I do get times when I'm convinced that the things he says/does are all fake, and that he's actually just like the others..

But I think mainly, it's me being possessive, and jealous and unreasonable. I can't stand the thought of him having been with anyone else in the past, having told girls the same things that he's told me, telling them that he misses them and stuff. But I don't help myself - I've been onto the myspace profiles of girls that I know he's been with to see what they look like, see what he's said to them in the past etc.. then I drive myself mad with it. I can't seem to let go of it - even though I know he has..

But I'm not sure just how much it's related to how I think he's going to treat me, if that makes sense? It's just the thought of it all that I can't bear. I'm punishing him for his past and it's unfair I know, but I can't seem to help myself.

WRT the self-harm, I'd never thought of hypnotherapy no.. And it's certainly something I'd consider when I was ready. But (and this might be hard to understand), I'm not sure if I'm ready to stop or ready to not have it as an option any more, even though I know how bad it is.

I know I probably don't make much sense, I'm sorry.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

fairyprincess
WRT the self-harm, I'd never thought of hypnotherapy no.. And it's certainly something I'd consider when I was ready. But (and this might be hard to understand), I'm not sure if I'm ready to stop or ready to not have it as an option any more, even though I know how bad it is.

I know I probably don't make much sense, I'm sorry.

That makes sense... In as much as you think it will "block" out your fears and you haven't faced those fears yet, so your frightened that if it is "blocked out" that he will cheat and you will go through the pain again, so your not ready.

Look at it this way.... Even if a hypnotherapist could block it out for you, because it doesn't always work if the mind is not willing, and your boyfriend cheats, what's the difference if you don't try it and he cheats?

NOTHING...

Everyone has a past. Everyone went out with someone else, if your older than say 14, which you are, so everyone has people that they may have said similar things to, but each person is different in they way they show those feelings or say those words pending on the person they are with.

He was your "friend" for so long, in total understanding of you and then went out with you.

I would suggest that makes this an even stronger relationship that he has ever had before..

Does that make sense?

Looking, searching, ahhh that will drive you mad, your mind will play tricks and more tricks, you'll conjure up make believe affairs, all sorts...

Start therefore with NO CHECKING, NO MY-SPACE, no point, it's past.. Not present..

CW

[fairyprincess]

That makes sense... In as much as you think it will "block" out your fears and you haven't faced those fears yet, so your frightened that if it is "blocked out" that he will cheat and you will go through the pain again, so your not ready.

Look at it this way.... Even if a hypnotherapist could block it out for you, because it doesn't always work if the mind is not willing, and your boyfriend cheats, what's the difference if you don't try it and he cheats?

NOTHING...

Everyone has a past. Everyone went out with someone else, if your older than say 14, which you are, so everyone has people that they may have said similar things to, but each person is different in they way they show those feelings or say those words pending on the person they are with.

He was your "friend" for so long, in total understanding of you and then went out with you.

I would suggest that makes this an even stronger relationship that he has ever had before..

Does that make sense?

Looking, searching, ahhh that will drive you mad, your mind will play tricks and more tricks, you'll conjure up make believe affairs, all sorts...

Start therefore with NO CHECKING, NO MY-SPACE, no point, it's past.. Not present..

CW

I think perhaps I'll look into the hypnotherapy. I was kinda out of ideas with where to go next (as the therapy doesn't seem to be working), but that seems like a plausible option.

Yeah I mean he's said to me that he's never felt like this about anyone, and how he acts kinda shows it as well. It's not just words, he proves himself also, and I should trust that. He's said that he's never felt ready to settle down with anyone before, but with me he can't see it ever ending and he wants to marry me one day, and have children etc.. and it *does* make me feel really special and I *do* believe him. But I just seem to get irrational sometimes.. I feel like 2 different people...

I've made a conscious effort since last night to be nicer to him on the phone, and to try and show him that I trust him, and to put the thoughts about him and his ex's out of my head. I did slip up and log into his e-mail account, but I didn't find anything bad at all, not even from before I was with him. But I really am going to try. I have to.

Thanks for your advice, it's really helped

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I think perhaps I'll look into the hypnotherapy. I was kinda out of ideas with where to go next (as the therapy doesn't seem to be working), but that seems like a plausible option.

Yeah I mean he's said to me that he's never felt like this about anyone, and how he acts kinda shows it as well. It's not just words, he proves himself also, and I should trust that. He's said that he's never felt ready to settle down with anyone before, but with me he can't see it ever ending and he wants to marry me one day, and have children etc.. and it *does* make me feel really special and I *do* believe him. But I just seem to get irrational sometimes.. I feel like 2 different people...

I've made a conscious effort since last night to be nicer to him on the phone, and to try and show him that I trust him, and to put the thoughts about him and his ex's out of my head. I did slip up and log into his e-mail account, but I didn't find anything bad at all, not even from before I was with him. But I really am going to try. I have to.

Thanks for your advice, it's really helped

Welcome.

The hynotherapy advice is to get rid of those thoughts, of mis-trust and give yourself a chance to believe.

The therapy is to assist you in understanding yourself and the past and control over your personality..

Please do not assume or think that i am saying that you should stop therapy, quite the opposite.

If hypnotherapy works for you, then it will be a bonus in therapy and no slip ups you can control that, use your willpower, you know in your heart and soul that he is there for you 100%, like he has been with no other...

Trust aside... Tell yourself that you OWE it to him to respect him.......

Instead of it being about you, turn it around about being about him.

Does that all make sense?

CW