Looking for Support

[dontfeellikeit]

HI, I am new to this site and am feeling a bit overwhelmed navigating through all of these forums and threads.

Basically I am looking for a support group or site for women that are suffering from sexual dysfunction....specifically lack of desire. I want to find a place to chat with other women that are going through this experience and what they are exploring to solve it.

Many of the sites and advice I have found so far cater to women and menopause. I am 27 years old and don’t really know the cause of my lack of desire. I have only just begun to dabble in the different avenues to approach this issue and am finding it totally endless; I just don’t know where to begin…..

Have you battled this or do you know a good place to begin looking for answers?

Any mature advice or guidance would be helpful and extremely appreciated…

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Welcome to the Forum..

There will be a lot of advice offered.

Don't be overwhelmed.

Also just click up the top in the sex section and have a view through there, your not alone with your problem.

Some questions come to mind, such as, are you on any medication, do you lead a stressful life, children, are you married or in a committed relationship.

The more information you provide the easier it can be to offer advice that may help you in a particular area.

Hope you enjoy it here.

CW

[dontfeellikeit]

Thanks for the welcome... here is some backround info

I am on the birth control 777 ( it is the 4th kind I have tried with my doc to see if switching will help)

I don't think my life is that stressful in retrospect... I am a full time college student. I was active duty military and am now going for my degree. I don't work but get income from my GI Bill. My boyfriend pays the bills for the most part, so no real financial worries.

We have been living together for a few years now and talk about getting married, but the lack of sex has added alot of strain to our relationship and we don't want to start a marriage this way.

He takes my lack of desire as a direct blow to his ego, which I don't blame him. I can only imagine that it feels like rejection. Our problem has esscalated into a major issue and it seems as though all arguments stem from it.

I basically have no desire whats so ever... I rarely even think about sex. But the weird parts to me now are that 1. Once we do start, I ALWAYS end up enjoying it. I climax at least once during sex evertime. 2. It has become such an issue that I now am starting to develop a mini anxiety attack when he puts "the moves" on me or think that he is trying to inniciate.

ugh I get so fed up with this sometimes that I wish sec didnt even exhist.

Thanks for the inquire and for the tips to look at others!

The more information you provide the easier it can be to offer advice that may help you in a particular area.

Hope you enjoy it here.

CW

[anonymouswhitefemale]

As a man, I can't really teach you how to fix yourself, if I could I might even still be in my last relationship.

I can tell you that it's as bad for him as it is for you, worse, in fact, since he actually wants what he's missing. Unfortunately for you, it sounds like he's starting to accept that that's the way you are and that it is redefining the parameters of the relationship - as in, he won't marry you like this..

He'll see it a bit like this: he invests his time and money into making you happy, and you still don't want to "consumate" your relationship - if every time he wants sex all he feels is rejection and frustration - that what he feels from you is a lack of respect and lust, how can this relationship be worth it?


I mean, there's the obvious possibilities, therapist, changing your diet, CONCIOUS EFFORT, but I think it's going to be a slow uphill battle. There's no button on a woman to turn her into a dirty nymph (unfortunately).

[littlethumper]

If you climax every time, I don't get why you don't have any desire. For me, the knowledge that I'll get to climax makes me crave it. Evidentally there's a lot I don't know. I'll be quiet.

[Sweet Lady]

Hi Dontfeellikeit,

Welcome to the forum. I am new to WH and am enjoying it throughly. I hope you get the help you need.

I had the same problem as you 3 years ago 'lack of desire'. My hubby talked to me about my lack of desire and I just thought he was being weird because sex is overrated. But after he told me what effect it had on him, I had to change. I had to pretend in the beginning, but after a several of weeks, he started to have a bump in his walk and I was actually not minding sex. Now I can't live 3 days without getting some.

This one is hard so long as you think negatively about sex. Below are just a couple of things I did to get my desire back.
1. It all starts in the mind. On a daily basis, think about the goodness and pleasure that you can give to your partner and derive from sex. Think about the oohs and the ahhs you feel. Think sexy thoughts about yourself.
I changed my lingerie and basic underwear to make me feel sexy.
The mind plays a pivotl role in changing your life, including sex. You have to change your way of thinking.

2. Teach yourself to intiate sex. That way you will be committing to pleasuring him and forcing yourself to desire him e.g. text him lustful/sexy messages during the day. If he initiates, try to want him as much as you can.

3. Create sex surprises for him. This way, he will know that you have been thinking about him and desiring him. For example, give him a blow job or just rub him erotically whilst driving home from a dinner (or before the dinner!!!).

You have to draw from your inner self to conquer this permanently. I hope the above helps you in whatever way.

[wouldlovetoloveit]

dontfeellikeit...i'm in your boat and don't know what to do either. I am 27 years old and have been married for 4 1/2 years. My husband and I have a beautiful 8-month old baby girl...and before...and now even worse, after, i don't have the drive and i'm starting to feel like something is wrong with me. i'm looking for support too. i know i put sex as a low priority in my life and i shouldn't and i want to change but i don't know how to go about it. it's always amazing when my husband and i are together, my mind just doesn't think so until it's too late (my husband is upset because it's been so long, we argue, then have sex to make up...it's an endless, cycle). Does anyone have any advice? i'm afraid that one day this is going to tear apart our marriage.

[rcoreyus]

A mismatch in levels of interest in sex is a big strain on a relationship. I think it is a mistake to marry someone with such a different level of interest - will only lead to grief in the future. There are many men as well as women how have very low levels of sexual desire.

I don't know what causes, or what can change a lack of interest. Similarly to the original poster, my wife had very little interest - despite giving every apperance of enjoying sex at the time. This seems to be improving now - but I don't know what changed.

[wouldlovetoloveit]

there wasn't a mismatch when we met; i mean, he has always been more into sex than me but i was able to keep up at least...now it's such a frustrating subject. whenever he thinks we might have sex or he wants to, there is all this built up expectation and if he reads me wrong, then there is that much disappointment and frustration on his end, which results in me feeling bad about it. i feel like i'm digging a deeper hole every week/month and soon i'm not going to be able to climb out of it. i want to have sex, and i want to make him happy...and most importantly, i want to not have to convince myself that i want it. but i always seem to put so many day-to-day responsibilities first; even when i know i don't NEED to do the dishes one night or pay the bills immediately. How do i get out of this hole i'm digging?

[Sweet Lady]

..... i feel like i'm digging a deeper hole every week/month and soon i'm not going to be able to climb out of it. i want to have sex, and i want to make him happy...and most importantly, i want to not have to convince myself that i want it. but i always seem to put so many day-to-day responsibilities first; even when i know i don't NEED to do the dishes one night or pay the bills immediately. How do i get out of this hole i'm digging?

Hi wouldlovetoloveit

You have to re-prioritise. Your man first, dishes later. You may even find he will do the dishes for you after a quick romp.
As said before, I have been here and it is the most horrendous place to be in. I would even insist on making sure supper is ready first, when he wanted to romp first. It was frustrating. At times it felt like he was raping me, the way I was so anti-sex.

To get out of the hole I had dug, I started with changing the way I was thinking and feeling i.e. I made a CONCIOUS EFFORT of making myself want to have sex. My body would scream NO, but I would force myself into trying to enjoy sex. Sometimes I would repeat in my head 'I am enjoying this, I want this, it is good' - like meditating. Honestly, when I started on my mission to enjoy sex again, I had to pretend. Over time it comes naturally.

You know what, try this (AT UNINTERRUPTED TIMES):
Day One - Just kiss. Soft, hard, long short kisses. just mouth to mouth. No other flesh cantact. Please make sure that this time in not interupted by ANYTHING and do it for as long as you can handle. you must concentrate.

Day two - Kiss and carress in your underwear. Wherever he touches you, let him. Open up to his carress. Tell him where to touch you if he is missing the piont. (hands

Day three - lie in the nude and touch each each other in erotic areas (or where you want him too). Tell him to touch softly, or harder, slowly, etc in body areas you both want (e.g. start around the breast then close in on the nipple). You must have time for this. Give each other orals, do the 69, take your time. If he needs to cum, let him externally from you NO PENTRATION YET i.e. use your hands or mounth if you don't mind. Do what is comfortable for you.

Day four - Try to go ALL the way, very slowly. Try to put together all the GOOD thoughts and feeling you had the previous 3 days together.

If you can, squeeze it into a weekend where you can be alone and away from familar surroundings (have getaway weekend). If not, try it the moment your baby sleeps.

In my opinion, don't get toys at this stage. Try to get to know what pleasures you from your man and yourself. Understand your bodies/sexually undiluted first.

dontfeellikeit - give it a try.

I know you ladies can climb out of this. I believe very woman has all she needs from her inner self. Please ladies. Your bodies have an inbuilt sex drive that you need to tap into. You need to awaken it to work for you.

Keep trying!!!