Problem maintaining erection during sex?

[CHANDLERS WISH]

sparkbark
Sometimes if I don't want to have sex but he does I will just give him manual stimulation until he comes and he never has a problem with that and doesn't so soft.

Phoebe
If he has problems staying erect during intercourse he has ED.

I would be following Phoebe's first recommendation and that it to google ED, loss or erections, etc first before suggesting a Doctor's appointment, not saying that may not be the problem:-

Reason:-

You say that he can stay erect fully and cum, if you give him a bj, he only loses the erection during sexual intercourse. He was a Virgin for a long time, and your not sure if he was the same with previous partners, which may not have been many.

It could simply be FEAR FACTOR, your expectations, performance anxiety. As, when you do your part, there is no pressure what so ever.

[dean]

If he can masturbate on his own then it's not medical.

[Fallen1]

It seems that he is capable of staying hard during foreplay, oral, manual stimulation, etc. He will sometimes lose his erection quickly as soon as stimulation stops but I can't recall a time when he went soft while I was giving him oral or using my hands. Sometimes if I don't want to have sex but he does I will just give him manual stimulation until he comes and he never has a problem with that and doesn't so soft. Sometimes I wonder if maybe this can be caused by excessive masturbation during the early sexual years? I don't know his total sexual history but from what I understand he was a virgin through high school and since then has not gotten laid very often. So I wonder sometimes if he had just habituated himself to the kind of stimulation a hand provides. I would be curious to know if he had this same problem with previous girlfriends though, because if it is just me, then something must be wrong between us...

I have to question that ED is a/the problem if he is able to stay hard in these instances - but then again I am not very knowledgeable on the subject.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I'm going to add.

You may come across as more knowledgeable than him, ie) he feels intimidated and that he has to get it all correct perfectly.. He may not had had as much experience as you think.

I don't know how old you are, based on your writing your mature, however, based on what you have said about him, that sort of sounds youngish?

I think Anon, or Fire(m) made a comment of ease the preasure off him, forget what's happening and take control as soon as you feel it, instead of him instigating it and being embarrased, as if that's what you want to do, and have maybe him do something with you and go back for it again.

At least you can oliminate if this is in fact the problem before venturing down a path of telling him that he may have a medical problem which would scare the cra..p out of him..

Men are men ( I am a Man) either way he's not going to admit his past performances, whether he thinks he has to live up to an expectation with your, nor he has a problem if the later ends up being the problem.

Personally, i always go down the olimination path.

But, that's my thoughts.

CW

[gyrator53]

If he can get a good erection from manual stimulation then the chances of him having a physical problem are, I understand, minimal.

I am in my mid 50s - the age when such problems become quite common. About 12 months ago I started to have exactly the sort of problems your partner has. I would get a very good erection during foreplay but loose it after a few minutes during intercourse. As my wife is a doctor she was able to explain to me that it would not be a physical problem which removed that as a source of worry. However, knowing that it is a psycological problem is only half the battle. The problem is, once you start to have this problem it is self sustaining. If you think you might loose your erection then you will. And of course if it happened last night you can't help but wonder if its going to happen tonight - so it does.

I think the initial trigger for me was always work-related stress - an argument during the day with a supplier would eat away at me in the evening and the distraction would be there when we went to bed.

In the end I decided that I needed some way of breaking the circle and tried a simple lasoo type ring. This made sure that I maintained the erection and could satisfy both my wife and myself. After a couple of times of use, and knowing that it was effective and ready to hand if I needed it I found that the psycological boost (plus having got some really good sex 'under my belt' ) was enough and the problem has simply gone away. I also avoid some of the stress-raisers at work, say, by getting an employee to have the argument with the supplier rather than doing it myself

I hope this helps you both - I know its no fun while you have this problem.

[SorridLives]

I agree that it is probably stress or feeling he has to perform, fear.

Just an aside,- I once had a work friend who said her BF could never maintain an erection for intercourse, but could only maintain it for BJ's. I lost track of her and wonder what ever became of it. It had been going on for years at that time.....

[Phoebee]

A healthy man should not have regular problems keeping erect during intercourse. Trust me. When a man MBs he can squeeze the base of his penis to maintain the erection of squeeze on the "upstroke" blood into the penis.

Without getting graphic DH tried to convince me that he was "ok" by showing me that by stimulating himself he could stay erect. Have him "stop" and let go. If he goes flacid he has a problem.

The only real way to test for ED/Impotence is to have a doctor test him. They have a device that he wears on his penis during sleep that measures erections during sleep... These just happen. Nothing to do with sex or sexual dreams. Its sort of the male plumbing being run to keep his penis healthy (or so we think) If the device doesn't measure healthy erections during sleep he has a medical ED / Impotence problem. This is what 90+% of men have. They used to say it was 95% mental problems but now its a 180 on this.

I may have been too pushy about my suggestion of calling the doctor yourself. We went though YEARS with this issue and it was really a huge deal. My take is that you have to find a way to communicate with him. My DH was so.... uptight. He didn't talk to me, his doctor or anyone. He got involved with a support group. Some people told him that ignoring the problem was not a smart of healthy idea and he did confront the problem. We spent a lot of time emailing each other! Face to face admissions about his problems were too complicated. I got upset. He got angry. Email took the emotion out of it...

Guessing if he has a problem or not is pointless. Neither you, he or me are doctors. One has to diagnose him and find out why or if before you move to treatment. I WILL say that post treatment things are WONDERFUL! We are closer. The solutions the doctor gave us make him function better then he ever did pre ED. ;-)

Good luck. Don't be afraid to insist he seek help. If you were not able to be sexual because you had a health problem and were unwilling to seek help he would be doing what?

[gyrator53]

Whatever the cause its important that you don't let it persist without a resolution. The NPT test Phoebee mentioned is, I understand, straightforward and reliable (apparently this is also known as the postage stamp test as it used to be done by putting a piece of gummed paper around the flaccid penis before sleep and seeing if it was broken in the morning).

Having been through it I am now very aware of the power of the psychological. I'm sure that without the reassurance of a medic that there is no physical problem a sufferer could soon become convinced there was a physical problem so getting the test done and clearing the physical question out of the way is, in my view, a pre-requisite to a resolution even if the problem is a psychological one.

[Phoebee]

gyrator53 is exactly right. The most important thing is to find out why. Not for us to guess. The stamp test is not as good as the Rigiscan because this measures the firmness of the erections and the number. A stamp test is still better then nothing if he needs motivation to see a doctor.

Fear of admitting the problem was a huge weight on DHs head. When he got to the point where he wanted help he thought over the reason why seeing his doctor was so difficult and for him the issue was speaking to a male doctor about sexual issues. He was far less anxious about talking to his new (current) doctor who is female.

Once you get that ball rolling good (GREAT) things will start to happen! And being on a regular schedule with a doctor means less fear over other issues like prostate cancer, diabetes, heart issues etc.

[bob100]

You seem understanding and this is a very tough one for a guy to deal with. I have had a couple of times where I would lose my erection during performing foreplay on my wife. It makes me feel like jumping off a bridge. I am 50 yrs and don't think I have as many erections as I used to. MW asked (like above) is it her and assumed she is fat etc, which is surely not the case. I am worried and wonder what to do.