I think I'm asexual

[classichb]

Ok. Here's the deal. I'm 21 years old, have been with my wonderful boyfriend for 5 years and when we have sex, it's great. Sometimes I even have multiple orgasms. He'll do anything to make sure I'm happy. The thing is, we hardly ever have sex and it's all my fault. We're both young, healthy, attractive, but I just never feel the desire to have sex, never have. Sex hardly ever even crosses my mind.

Sometimes I end up feeling bad because I know he wants it...all the time, so I do it and once I get into it, I like it but it's so hard for me to even get into it. He is my first and only so I don't know if maybe he's just bad at foreplay or whatever but even if that were the case, I don't feel the desire in the first place and it's not something I would ever consider leaving him over.

We have talked about it numerous times and each time I say I'll try to make it better and it is better for like a week then I run out of steam and don't want to do it anymore. I know that it really hurts his confidence and self esteem to be turned down by his girlfriend all the time when every other guy his age is having sex left and right.

We've bought toys, lubes, porn, etc. nothing really helps. I am on birth control and thought maybe that was lowering my sex drive but I've been off of it for about a month and I don't see a difference.

The rare times that I do get horny (which really is only like once every 3 months), I would rather just go masturbate and do what I know will work than mess around forever and make it a big deal.

My boyfriend is the most wonderful, romantic person in the world and I love him to death. I wish there was something I could do to make him happier aside from forcing myself to have sex when I don't want to.

Any advice?
Thanks!

[rcoreyus]

This is unfortunately common - but it is a big problem for him. Maybe you can try just doing things for him - and once you start you may find that you are enjoying it. Maybe.

My wife has always had a very low interest in sex - and it is a real strain on an otherwise wonderful relationship. I would never want to leave her - but I feel like a whole part of my life is missing - and sometimes I find other women tempting.

[Fire(m)]

rcorey...I couldn't have said that better or more eloquently. Nice job. It does happen. I am in that position as well although my s/o would say that it's not so. It has been a great marriage, but I can tell you that other than a couple of years out of 22 I have not been fulfilled...ever. I wonder sometimes if I didn't compromise too much. I think honestly though that this problem is a lot more common than people let on to. Also, if you come on a website that discusses issues of sexuality, the women that frequent that site are "less likely" to be women who don't care about sex.

Most of the women on sites of sexual nature who are "regulars" are women who are learning, wanting to learn, exploring their bodies, sexuality, and open to having good sound sexual relationships.

Classichb, this may be a good place for you to hang out and contemplate some of this. You shouldn't feel forced to have sex. I have really struggled with an internal mental battle over the years of pushing my wife to have sex versus taking the hit on myself and not getting it. I have really tried to err on her behalf...and have probably had sex an average of 2x per month for the past 22 years. Now it's probably 1x per month on average.

Oh well...you do what you have to do. One thing interesting though...like yourself, my wife has always had a GREAT time at it. Orgasm after orgasm, etc. REALLY. I do know that she's not faking it because sometimes it takes forever to get her there, but we eventually do and it's earth-shattering. She (like yourself) just doesn't think about it or she would just rather not. OR she would rather masturbate and just get her issue taken care of quickly and efficiently without the male involvement.

Thanks for sharing your situation classichb. It's good for everyone who's in this situation, men and women to connect on this and understand one another a little bit better.

Cheers.

[ladydys]

The term "asexual" did not exist when I was a girl but I have always known I was different. I never even knew what it felt like to be "horney. It was just something every one talked about in the dorm. In those days there were only two words for women who did not like sex - "frigid ".
I got married and just did what I thought was requiered of me. I had always heard one should never deny their husband sex and I don't think I ever did but I never could feel enthusiasm for or during the sex act, and it showed. My husband tried hard to please me and I know it hurt his ego that I could not orgasm. After 30 years of marriage he has told me that he can't live like this any more. He wants a sexy passionate woman (they say there are some even at 65), and he wants the freedom to seek a relationship with a woman who appreciates sex as much as he does.
I have read some blogs that say asexual people are happily married and I thought I was too. I guess every relationship is different and I wish the best for you but I can't help feeling that in a relationship like you describe, which sounds much like mine where one partner has a much stronger sex drive than the other, is ultimately doomed.

Ok. Here's the deal. I'm 21 years old, have been with my wonderful boyfriend for 5 years and when we have sex, it's great. Sometimes I even have multiple orgasms. He'll do anything to make sure I'm happy. The thing is, we hardly ever have sex and it's all my fault. We're both young, healthy, attractive, but I just never feel the desire to have sex, never have. Sex hardly ever even crosses my mind.

Sometimes I end up feeling bad because I know he wants it...all the time, so I do it and once I get into it, I like it but it's so hard for me to even get into it. He is my first and only so I don't know if maybe he's just bad at foreplay or whatever but even if that were the case, I don't feel the desire in the first place and it's not something I would ever consider leaving him over.

We have talked about it numerous times and each time I say I'll try to make it better and it is better for like a week then I run out of steam and don't want to do it anymore. I know that it really hurts his confidence and self esteem to be turned down by his girlfriend all the time when every other guy his age is having sex left and right.

We've bought toys, lubes, porn, etc. nothing really helps. I am on birth control and thought maybe that was lowering my sex drive but I've been off of it for about a month and I don't see a difference.

The rare times that I do get horny (which really is only like once every 3 months), I would rather just go masturbate and do what I know will work than mess around forever and make it a big deal.

My boyfriend is the most wonderful, romantic person in the world and I love him to death. I wish there was something I could do to make him happier aside from forcing myself to have sex when I don't want to.

Any advice?
Thanks!

[Texasred]

The rare times that I do get horny (which really is only like once every 3 months), I would rather just go masturbate and do what I know will work than mess around forever and make it a big deal.

This approach to sex is a real blow (no pun intended) to a sexual relationship with another person. When you feel this way, why not try involving your boyfriend? What is it about sex with him that causes you to describe it as "messing around forever" and "a big deal?"
I'm not asking you to tell me the answers to this, just giving you a couple questions you might ask yourself. You've already said that

...when we have sex, it's great. Sometimes I even have multiple orgasms.

so you don't have a physical problem with sex. Not to say that this particular bf is the best man around, but for your own sake you might learn to overcome your current attitude toward sex with a partner.

Best of luck to you,
- TR

[rcoreyus]

Old thread, (2008) but seems alive again.

Ladydys: have you considered an "open" relationship where he can have sex with other women? Since you aren't interested, maybe it would be possible for he to get his intimacy elsewhere while remaining married to you.

I'm in an almost 25 year nearly sexless marriage - and it is just poison to the relationship. My wife just isn't interested (no matter what I do), so I'm left living like a monk. Hard not to feel resentment. She still doesn't really understand how important this is to me - and probably never will.

[Lovcookie]

Being a man I have to agree this will put a damper on your relationship eventually. Have you tried teaching him exactly what you like? Maybe see a sex therapist. I feel for you. At least you are aware of the issue and are trying to do something about it. Thats half the battle. All the best.

[jns]

Ladydys: Do you want your husband to live a life as sexless as you want to, loving him but knowing that he knows that something is missing in his life that he wants back? I believe you responded at least somewhat enthusiastically during the beginning of your sex life. He had it before, but it was taken from him through no actions of his own. It wasn't only his ego that got hurt, but the fact that he couldn't share something that he found to be possibly the greatest thing in the world with the love of his life. This meant that he couldn't strengthen the bond between you two with both of you being able to orgasm or even enjoy sex. The result is he became sad or profoundly sad.

Do you really love him and does he really love you? If so, to change RC's point a little, don't necessarily consider an open marriage, but something closer to a multiple marriage. Where he has a long standing SO that knows the situation, is fine with it and doesn't want anything more out of the committed relationship but the intimacy and sex. Other things to be considered and negotiated are financial security, living arrangements, waking up next to the other, time spent with the other as in hours, days, weeks, or whatever time increments and his and your communications with the other SO.

[esoterika]

ok didnt know that this was so common thought i was the only person who felt like this....im 31 and only just realised theres a name for what ive been experiencing my whole life sex is good when i have it but just no inclination for it at all
my partners have all been frustrated by my lack of interest in sex i hate feeling this way i wish i was different.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Welcome to the Forum, esoterika..

It is common in both sexes in reality, one seems to lack the drive, the other has it... Not always but we read alot here on it.

I think alot has to do with mindset, the way you were bought up, taught about sex, how you therefore feel about it, if you think it's dirty, oral sex is not something that you would consider, or whether there is a medical problem, you actually don't have a problem when you have it, or with oral etc...

Also alot can have to do with how we were treated by the oposite sex, if you feel your an object then you won't want it....

Can you differentiate which category you feel you fall into?