How to deal with this?

[ladyv]

Ive recently married a guy Ive been with for about 5 yrs now.Overall we have a pretty decent relationship.I love him very much and I feel he loves me.He's a pretty laid back type of guy who doesnt go out much just hangs around the house alot.He has admitted to me that in his previous marriage he cheated on his wife for 5yrs with a co-worker.He stated to me in a jokingly manner that he never got caught because "he was good." Even though I shrugged it off the thought yet remains now here we are in a situation where he works with ALL WOMEN!!! One he works closely with is his team lead who "hooked him up " with the job.He was recently promoted to this job and hes very excited about this position and has started spending alot of time at work.I dont want to jump to conclusions )which I have in the past) that he's interested in someone there but its hard.I will admit I have some self-esteem issues and Im trying to deal with them.Its not fair for me to think hes cheating because he works with all women because I work at the navy base and I DO NOT play with fire.I respect my husband,my marriage and myself but my worry is IS HE GIVING ME THE SAME RESPECT? Ive tried to go up to his job to pay surprise visits but only to be greeted by a rushed,unwelcomingly "I gotta get back to work" Its almost like he's ashamed of me.He thinks everytime I come up to his job its to spy but honestly its for fun (quickies,etc) But it makes me suspicious cause he acts as if he dont want me there.Do I need to just chill out or is there some kind of way of addressing my feelings without him getting agitated everytime I bring up the issue.Oh yeah and this team lead name comes up alot when we're at home relaxing.Now you tell me.

[damd]

Truthfully my gut feeling is yes you do have something to worry about. To freely admit to having an afair then to haphazardly brag about how he was not caught because he was "good" does not speak well of his character. While the old saying "Once a cheater, always a cheater" is not always true, most of the time it is. While there could be an infinate possibilities to his motives of why he would make such a comment, one has to be he was fishing for a response at of you. Again, you don't have a lot of information here and you do admit to insecurity problems but usualy when a person has enough to suspect something it turns out to be true. Sorry if this wasn't what you wanted to hear.

Good luck

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I think he may be leading a double life, one where he doesn't want to feel married, surrounded by all these women, and then married when he gets home.

If a husband is proud of his "wife" being his wife he never tries to get her out of there, rather happy to introduce her.

The other problem is, is that he planted the seed into your mind, so off course you are going to wonder... And, on the same accord as Damd said, he laughs about it.

Does he laugh because he can tell you and nothing is now happening, and he feels that he can, or because he was smart then and thinks he is now.

It's a hard one to answer.

Like Damd said, can you give anything else to let us assess and provide an opinion?

CW

[ladyv]

Sure, I forgot to mention that before we got married he confessed to porn issues.He said he's not addicted to women just porn...WHATS THE FREAKY DIFFERENCE? Ive caught him trying to hide porn tapes.He claimed that in his first marriage she was never home which led him to the porn and then into the affair.Now mind you this girl he had the affair with looked him up in the phone book and called my house recently.He promised me he had no contact with this girl and she just found him in the phone book.I sometimes feel like he dont want to be married anymore.I often ask him this question only to get the same response "yes honey I want to be married to you" I sometimes ask him if he's still in love with me and I noticed when he answers me he hardly look at me which isnt a good sign.I feel like Im his wife just to say Im his wife.I feel like an old piece of furniture sometimes only good for a few things if you know what I mean.Trust me the insecurity issues recently came along with me finding the email, the porn tapes, and the way he treats me when I go up to his job.I hate to croak in my own pond but Im no bad looking chic and I have guys trying to hit on me all the time.Im just afraid that if he dont start treating me like the queen he calls me I will give in.See, he has dealt with self-esteem issues his self in the past cause when he was young he was considered "the ugly one" and his ex-wife treated him like but then I came along fixed him up a bit boosted his self-esteem made him feel loved and cared for now I think it has gone to his head.I really want the truth out of him cause I will leave if he doesnt want it anymore and let him have his freedom to do whatever.I sometimes hear people say that everyone needs their "me" time.Now dont get me wrong we go out every once in a while and do things but I think its because I stress the issue but I feel we need to get out more often.He always saying he needs his me time but he dont take it because Ill question him about where he's been,etc.Whats wrong with asking where u going and what time youll be back? he ask me and I answer witrh no problem because I have nothing to hide.Men sometimes do assanine things and then wonder why women dont trust them.Like just the other day he came home late for work in which if he's going to work late he would call me and let me know well he usually gets home around 4pm and he called me at 5pm saying that time got away from him he was helping this girl on the job gather charts and he didnt recognize the time then by the time he got home it switched to he couldnt find a phone to call me .He works in the hospital and couldnt find a phone? ...PPPLLLLEASE! One time we got into an argument and I told him I didnt want it anymore and he begged and pleaded with me not to leave so if he wanted out why didnt he take it? is it because I make pretty good money? is it because we've established a pretty decent life together? Ive tried on numerous occasions to give him his space and he always think Im acting funny or he'll just switch the tables on me and say I act like I dont want him anymore.I dont know what else to do and Im tired of sitting dormant just feeling like sh**.Like I said he's not a monster more like a sneaky cat Should I just walk away or give it some more time? let me know if you need more I have plenty

[damd]

I think it is clear that you are not happy with this relationship. If he is incapable of making you happy why stay?

[CHANDLERS WISH]

ladyv
Trust me the insecurity issues recently came along with me finding the email, the porn tapes, and the way he treats me when I go up to his job

He seems to enjoy his job, helping the nurses, staying behind.

He also seems to be wary of how to answer you, like "what can i say that won't get me in the shirt". Then forgets what he has said and changes it.

What email did you get/see?
Does he still watch porn now?
If so how often?

"Yes honey i do".. Is not deep conversation, it's 4 words that get repeated, "that should make her happy".

He may be in-secure himself. You said he had issues before he married you and that you made him feel more secure.. Perhaps that is why he gets all "no don't leave" when you get to the stage of feeling like you should.

I think he's very much a bachelor.. I say that a fair bit on this site, but only when i see non-committal in it's fullest. The "get her out of here - at work", the enjoyment obviously of the opposite sex, which is fine, even flirting is fine, providing it's also done openly with the wife present and the trust issue is there.

The problem is you "don't trust him", you have "gut feelings" that are telling you not to.

Let's be honest, do you ask him what time he is coming home, where he is going, not care if he goes out and says I'll be back, not asking him what time, or phoning him where are you?

You made a few comments in that regard that no you don't, you simply just ask the norm, like Mum used to do, OK no prob, what time will you be back.. That usually is for the purpose of the fact your cooking dinner for instance and don't want it to get ruined.

I'm asking this because. Where he works there are lots of women. Maybe if he feels that you are always defensive, then he gets you out of there because, he doesn't want a scene if a woman walks past, smiles and says hi to him, feeling you may over-react.

Therefore, the bachelor theory may actually be more of a Protecting himself theory if you know what i mean.

So you seriously have to ask yourself that question as well. Am i always suspicious and show him this, so he hides things?

Or do i really feel i have a right to be, things just aren't adding up.

CW

[ladyv]

yeah, you are so on it! I truly believe he gets me away from a possible uncomfortable scenario arising.We've been talking and Im starting to realize that I dont need to be spending my precious life trying to keep up with someone else's, even though he's my husband.I really hate feeling insecure but I know once I let go...I LET GO!!! but just from past experiences thats when they want to do everything right but in my heart its too late.Ill just step back a bit and try not to trip when I usually would and let him hang his self.I guess that'll determine if love is really there.I really do appreciate you guys advice because I was starting to go crazy with feeling used and unappreciated.The email was on one of them sex sites where he was looking for "a good time" and I quote "nothing serious just a good time" in the email he described his genitals and then he asked the question "why do women get so clingy?" meaning that he didint want commitment So why did he ask to marry me then? and why did I marry him knowing all of this previous? well I do believe people can change because I have and he stressed how he messed up with his first marriage and didnt want to be like that any more and like I say for the most part he's pretty much at home but he have his moments when he'll step out for a minute but the thing is he'll say he's going to the store and come back with nothing or he'll say he's going to get a tire but they didnt have one...you know "lil innocent things" He has also made the comment concerning his first wife that he felt "as long as home was taken care of" Ive heard many men make this same comment...WHAT IN DE !! So its fine for me to step out as long as I cook,clean the house and take care of the kids? where is love? can anybody tell me?

[ladyv]

oh yeah and he claims he doesnt watch porn anymore.I really dont know.I personally find it hard to believe that you were addicted for so many years I mean spending boo-coo dollars for it and now all of a sudden you can just drop it and say you dont watch it anymore.He could be telling the truth and he could be lying.Im really not sure.He said the last time I caught him with one scared him because he thought his hiding spot could never be found so he figured there was no getting past me and was too afraid to try it again.

[rachel77]

I was just reading through these posts and thought Id share my opinion.. hope it helps.

I have a couple of ideas which include giving him some more space and letting him know that you respect his male instinct/desire to watch porn. I know this is hard for some women and makes them feel insecure and then you compare yourself to those girls, etc. But really its about men fulfilling that desire to see and be with different women (different from you regardless of how attractive you are.) Although I admit, the whole sex website is a bit much, I dont think he would be on the site if he was having an affair, because then he would be fulfilling that deep male instinct in reality. It kinda sounds like he is doing the right thing by using the porn as an outlet.
Also give him some space as far as not being so suspicious and controlling about where he is and whom hes talking to, etc. If there is one thing all men hate its feeling like they have to answer to everything they do.
I also agree with the comments about him feeling like he HAS to hide things from you to avoid a fight or avoid upsetting you. Men do this alot.. yes, they will also do it if theyre up to no good, but you will hopefully see alot of other more definitive signs to indicate that he is actually doing something wrong.
I DO get the impression he enjoys his work and is dedicated to it. Most men (besides the lazy ones) have gut instinct to be a provider and work hard and be succesful in their careers.
Unfortunately, we all know that men are terrible communicators, actually even that is an understatement so youre probably having difficulty talking to him too. I think he says what he knows will appease you, because he just doesnt know what else to do. Men need ALOT of help in this area.
I also personally believe that NOT all cheaters will cheat again. He was obviously not happy with his 1st wife, and despite the failed 1st marraige, has taken a chance with you.. certainly because he loves you
For now, I would try to focus more time on you and your life and your career and give him some space to enjoy his without having to hide things from you and answer your every question. Hopefully you can draw him back into the marraige.

I hope maybe the little bit of advice, based on my expereiences, and what Ive seen around me, will help you in some way. Best of luck.. LOVE IS TOUGH!!

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I'm going to have to agree with rachel77 in her conclusions of this.

I think if you allow this batchelor to be a married batchelor you will have a much happier marriage, without going to far that he thinks he can now do what ever he wants.

Buy a Porn Video even and laugh hand it to him and say hey babe i want to see what you see, who knows you might get lucky. Shock the shirt out of him.

Don't question where he goes, at the end of the day, if he does hang himself he does, you can't control someone to stop them from doing something unfortunately what will be will be and sometimes can drive them further anyway.

Chill and start laughing more with him, if he goes and comes back, he may have just visted a mate, but thought you would think it was a woman so doesn't tell. Once he knows you trust him, he may start telling you instead of being defensive.

I too think he just loves his job and the attention but it doesn't mean anything just attention.

And, yes, Men like independent women more so than clingy ones it drives them crazy.

See how he goes from those changes in your lives..

CW