I need help with my relationship w/ Daughter

[keeping strong]

Any advise out there. I feel myself getting very snappy with my 11 year old daughtery. My mother & myself had a very bad relationship when I was yonger, and I hope this is not what is happening.

I have to kids. A son (12) and a duagher (11). It seems I get more fusterated and short with her verus him. Which seems like it was that way when I was growing up. I do not know if it is because she is the same sex as me or if it is her age (a bit sassy / drama) at her age. But I do want to have a good relationship with her.

Here is the bad - bad of it all, last night she sassed me and disrespect me and I told her she was a F****** . God I feel so bad and I did apolize to her. But gosh how do you get through something like that. The poor thing is going to carry that with her the rest of her life. I know I can not take it back or make up for it. I seem to have this kind of behavior with her alot lately. And the worst is that my relationship with my son is pretty good - he is more respect of me as well.

I feel so terrible any advise of how to make this all better and to keep my bad mouth in control.

[Joy]

Hi KS.... don't be to hard on yourself the mom/daughter relationship can be a turbulent one. She is hitting that age and she is developing into her own woman. Keep guiding her helping her to develop into a strong healthy woman. Keep teaching her how to find her place in this world. Find an activity that you both can do so you have special time together to keep your bond strong and keep an open channel for communication. Girls tend to cut the apron strings sooner than boys ( hence mamma's boy) .

If you find yourself behaving in the same patteren as your own mother than you've over come the first obstacle. You are conscious of this and you now have the choice to behave the way you want not the way your mother taught you. Only you have control over that aspect.

There are enough people out there that will chip away at your daughters self confidence so you don't need to be part of that. You can teach her love, respect and some days are hard and we are all just human. You guys are gonna clash but you don't need to destroy each other in the process. She is a racing bag of hormones and she just needs to grown and learn how to cope with all these new emotions that are hitting her all at once.

good luck

[keeping strong]

Thanks Joy. I think you hit the button. I know that at her age she has had kids her age take a hit at her self esteem and I helped her thru that. That is what I did to her last night and I hope if remeber that before I react next time.

I know I sure feel really bad...What mother calls their little girl a F-. As I told her that even moms make mistakes and I do have to learn from this.

Thanks for your advise.

[Joy]

yeah well i'm a grown woman now and me and my mom had our battles. We went thru the phase were we could say nasty things to each other. We have always had a strong bond and within 5 mintues could then be laughting like nothing took place. So make sure you teach her forgiveness and compassion cause we all make mistakes.

My mom always talked to me about the phase of life we were in and what phase i'd be going to next. Growing up all my friends loved her and loved coming to her house cause she talked to them and listened to their problems and tried to give them a little guidance too. my goodness when i hit the dating phase and if i was out on a friday night some of my friends would still come over play cards with my mom cause they just didn't have that type of support at their own home. I can never say my mom didn't help prepare me for life cause she did the best job she could it was then up to me to put the information to good use.

so even though we had our own battles i love my mom so much and am so happy she is my mom. All you can do is try and prepare you kids for life cause you can only protect them for so long.

The fact that you feel bad means you are a good mom so keep up the good work and love your kids!

[damd]

I would suggest a parenting class. My wife and I went attended on last year that was great. It was sponsored by the United Way (not sure) but there was no money out of pocket. We attended 5 classes that were held on Thursdays at a local school. It was very informative of how and goal specific. All parents were seperated into age groups of their children. My wife and I plan to attend every year.

You might want to look online or make a few calls to local schools or churches.

Good luck

[keeping strong]

Thanks Damd,

I am searching for a class. I rather fix myself and my daugtery relationship now then to be responbible for any emotional problems she may have in the future.

Thanks for everyone for good advice rather than betting me down as a "Bad Mom"

[sad 31]

I am 31 yrs old and i am my mothers only daughter her first born. And my mother has always had a better relationship with my two younger brothers. I know that if you dont fix your relationship with your daughter or if you dont even try that lil girl will be a 31 yr old woman who has not seen or spoke to her mother in months and she will always feel like you love your son more.

[OG612]

Well, I'm a 26 year old man who doesn't have kids. But I might as well have raised my little brother who's 12. I'm more of a parent to him than his parents are (he's my half-brother).

What I think is going on here is that you are NOT a bad parent. But your daughter doesn't sound like she's been taught what respect is. My parents didn't teach me respect so I had to learn it the hard way. I also had to earn it the hard way. It sounds like your daughter needs to be taught respect, now, while she's still impressionable.

My relationship with my own mother isn't very close. Before I moved up here a few months ago, I hadn't seen her in over three years. I'd speak to her occasionally, but that's the kind of woman she is. She doesn't have strong family ties herself. So it's important to teach your kids respect at this young age, and to physically show them just how strong the bonds of family are.

I am most certain you're a great mother! Everyone loses their temper and I'm sure using that word (which I can't figure out and is none of my business) was a one-time fluke thing. But if your daughter is getting raw with you, don't be afraid of discipline. I'm sure she's too big to spank, but showing her that you are the mom/boss is the best way for her to learn to respect. Not fear, but respect.

Hopefully I am not stepping over any lines here. If I am I do apologize for that. I hope your relationship with both of your children becomes what you want it to be.

OG

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I grew up in a family similar, 1 brother two years older. He was always doing everything right, i was always doing everything wrong ( well only cause he'd dob on me) haha. I always felt my Mother loved him more and it showed, evident from a baby, she had post natal depression with me.

Mothers and daughters rarely get on, the daughter is the little version of you and you want her to be better than you were, but then you don't.. There is a real fear of rape, murder as you assume the little girl is naive or can get sucked in, your preparing yourself for each year as each year she is growing more into a woman and more fear.

The boys are boys, what are they going to do? Get into fights, ride their cars of from speeding but wearing a seat belt less chance of anything happening to them.

Ask yourself if you 1) fear for your daughter as she's a girl and are over protective. and 2) As such that you are so much more at ease with your son and it shows.

Little girls are "dad's princesses" and little boys are "mummy's boys" don't think that will ever change.

But, balance is necessary, I was 25 before i started talking to my Mother as a Mother / daughter and that's sad.. In fact I vamoosed at 16 to find that love that i was missing..

Think back when you were 11 and remember the things you didn't like about what your life was like with your Mum, as you state " you don't want to turn into her", it's protection i think you will find also that your not realising your doing, right down to perhaps what she wears, if she can paint her nails and if so what colour, you may not be "that protective" but as I don't know I'm throwing them out there...

I have a 13 year old niece and I am in awe at the responsible little thing she has turned out to be. I'll sit there and talk about a boyfriend, in return she has turned around and told me about a girlfriend of her changing over a guy that she liked and conversed.

Sometimes therefore, I also think we have to step out of the "no more dolls" they are growing up, what Adult conversation can I have that is equal and can be discussed as if we are just girls talking.. Not about education but maybe when you were young and your friends you had, start communicating on a different level, friends.

See if that helps as well.

CW

[Fire(m)]

Keeping Strong. You are not a bad Mom. You are doing your level best on a very uneven playing field. I am not a parent, but I drove 2 of them crazy when I was 13-18 years old. I was nearly the worst kid I know of during that time. I turned out ok.

There were times when my Dad said some things to me I'm sure he would like not to have said. I can tell you that he was pushed to the brink of sanity at those moments however and I felt bad for putting him in the position to feel that "up against the wall".

Remember that this is a two way street. Chances are your daughter knows what pushes your buttons as well as you knowing what pushes hers. Maybe y'all need to just call a truce and focus on the commonalities you have rather than the differences. Maybe the two of you need a change of pace. Get out and do something you don't do with your daughter. Take her out to dinner...how about a picnic where the two of you just go out to let off the tension and relax for an hour or two. Take her for a girls day (or night) out. I think if you focus on getting the two of you back together mentally/emotionally, you'll find you don't push eachother as hard when you're pushing.

Again I don't know Jack Schoot about being a parent. Take anything I say with a grain of salt please because I'm probably wrong, but there was my shot at it.

Cheers.