Deafening silence - A long one sorry :(

[MaxiC]

My boyfriend and i slept in separate rooms last night for the first time in nearly 3 years. I didnt even have to suggest it he went and set up the spare room (aka the dogs room) all on his own and trotted off to bed with the laptop at about 10pm, leaving me sitting staring at the tv in the deafening silence that filled the apartment all evening. And to be honest i felt relieved i had the night to myself to have a good think. Of cousre i couldnt think though, id try, it would get complicated and id give up eventually having a couple of drinks and going to bed early with my trusty childhood teddy for company in his stead.

My boyfriend started a new job about 6 weeks ago and its going well for him which im delighted about. But there just seems to be an endless amount of work nights out, with meals and quizzes and free bars for the staff as some form of teambuilding. Which again is fine (sort of), but the problem is when he goes on these nights out he never knows when to call it quits.. Its always on to a club and falling in home at 3 or 4am waking me for the remainder of the night before passing out snoring. Not to mention the bundles of money he spends at supposedly free nights out. Mostly i bite my tongue becuase hes new to the job and its good for him to socalise with his new collegues and make friends etc blah blah. But last thursday he had another night out again supposedly free. Coming near the end of the month and with my birthday this friday i asked him not to overspend so we can still have money to celebrate my birthday. So he brought €120 (to a night with a free bar to 11pm) and swore to be on the last bus home at 12:30am.. of course this didnt happen, and he spent all the money plus another €100 on top, and fell home drunk and loud at 4am.. He tried to lie about the money he spent the next day but eventually admitted it.. this leaft us with very little for this week and it became clear my birthday celebrations would have to wait for a few days after the actual date.. I was annoyed but again let it go..

Then yesterday on our way home from work, he casually "says so i have this work night on thursday i have to go to" Its a free bar all night provided by one of the brokers and i need to show my face, i wont stay late and ill borrow some money to cover bets (its greyhound racing night - a common work night out in this city) and i get mad. Hes already spent the money for my birthday now hes borrowing more to go out the night before it and is willing to have us sit the night of mine. I felt sick i was so angry and hurt. And he doesn't see it. So i just stopped speaking to him. I knew if i said a word id cry so i said nothing.

About an hour later he asks why im mad at him and when i try to explain he says i dont seem to understand that he has to go to this. That its important for his career to make contacts and im being unreasonable. Then the silence descended again. Right through to this morning when we danced around eachother getting ready for work and parted without a kiss or "i love you" like every other morning..and here i am at my desk, miserable. I just really dont want to back down on this one.

Usually everything is so good between us. I love him to pieces i really do and i know he loves me too. In every other element of our lives hes the perfect partner and treats me so well. It just always comes back to this money issue.

I get a large chunk of money from work evey three months which i will recieve next week and i know he thinks its ok to borrow all this money because my pay will more than cover it.. But i dont think my hard earned should be used just to pay off his social debts.

Am i crazy here? Im starting to think im one of those crazy unreasonable girlfriends for feeling like this..And im worried he'll give up on us over this which is the last thing i want. I dont know how id face that at all..I just feel stuck and dont really know who else to ask about it with. Its silly but i cant tell my girlfriends cos im scared of what they might say or think(sad isnt it).. Any help would be great.. or just someone saying this is normal relationship strife, common to all couples??

[CHANDLERS WISH]

It sounds to me like he's trying to keep up with "The Jones"... The others gamble and he's gambling, they drink so he's drinking.

He's going to go down hard and fast all to prove that's he's equal with them.

I have to also say, why did he take a laptop to bed at 10pm? What does he do on that?

And, it does seem like a "lot" of business FREE nights out... More than an average Firm would be providing...

I would suggest that they are not free, at all and he will wipe out all your money in the next few weeks if not careful.

I also hope that there are not women there and he is swaying away from you.

Only you can answer some of those thoughts.

CW

[MaxiC]

Thanks for the quick reply.

The laptop bit is innocent. He had a large supply of films and programmes on it, so i know he was just bringing that as there is no tv in the dogs room. Also i could hear the familiar tune of 'family guy' as i went to bed.

I dont think theres women involved. Well i know theres women at them obviously his collegues, but i dont think he would cheat on me. We have always sworn to be honest to each other about anything like that, and have said if ever there was someone else we would simply call it a day.

I've been emailing him all morning over and back. I think he found it easier to email me than to say whats been bothering him to my face. He said hes been feeling down a lot over the past few weeks, and doesnt know why. He says its nothing to do with me or his job..just that he feels like something is missing. He said that the work nights out and getting drunk made him feel nothing, that was the attraction.

We've decided he should see his doctor and discuss it with him further. I think it may be that hes adopted. Thats could explain the missing part? Him saying hes been feeling down and admitting he should see a doctor is a start though. I just hope we can get through this.

Maybe now hes decided to be honest we can work it out..at least i hope so

[rcoreyus]

Do you know what he is spending the money on? Is it gambling? There are addicted gamblers (there are 2 in my family) who can't seem to help themselves.

Spending late nights out for "teambuilding" seems strange. What sort of business is he in? Most businesses what their people awake and sober. Dinner out until 10pm isn't crazy, but 4am is.

[rachel77]

Maxi, it sounds as if you have a solid, healthy relationship and since this is a new problem that has come up, I think you can get through it. Its great that you seem to be able to communicate about it without a bitter argument. Sometimes going to sleep mad, giving yourself each time to calm down and contemplate the events, is better that having a disagreement escalate to a knock em out, drag em out fight that you both regret.
You are certainly within your right, and youre not being an unreasonable girlfriend to let this bother you. It is good to hear that it is not a jealousy or trust issue.
Somehow you need to get to the heart of why he is allowing these nights out to go on so late and be so costly and "speaking to someone" may be the best path to that answer. Unless you two can have a nice talk and get to the cause.
I understand too, that sometimes speaking with your friends is difficult, regardless of how close you are. You dont want them to think badly of him, or your realtionship, simply because youre having a little issue.
Best wishes to you and if you find out why this has gotten to this extreme level, there are lots of girls (and guys) here to offer advice

[silvertae]

It's good he finally admitted that he's been feeling out of sorts and like something is missing. Maybe he's just missing his care-free college days? Whatever it is, he needs to deal with it before it ruins his finances and your relationship. He's being inconsiderate and unreasonable. And honestly, even if these are work-sponsored events, it's NEVER a good idea to drink to excess or get careless when out with work associates, even if others seem to be doing it too. It will only ruin his reputation eventually if he persists. You should insist on him seeing a counselor of some sort.

I hope you get things sorted out soon!

[CHANDLERS WISH]

It's probably to no one's surprise that I'm an "email/post queen"..

Point being, I express so much better in writing than in words, except for work, there i can talk till the cows come home, otherwise, i need to have a drink to open up in public, strange but that's the fact.

If he can communicate with you via email, ask about the nights, what he loves about them, what he does, does he get on with any particular guy there really well, does he win?

Casually, not browbeating and see if he starts to disclose those nights out...

I'm pleased he's communicating that's a strong belief of mine within a relationship and that he wants to seek advice as to why he feels down.

But, if he's opening up then might as well keep the emails going further it may be his release and you may establish a bit more to help you understand as well.

I am still concerned about the gambling as Rcoreyus said, because it's new to him but it creates a "Buzz" that makes you feel great and this is something you really don't want him to get used to...

Good luck and keep us posted.

CW

[SorridLives]

Hard for me to give advice on this since I am a person who likes a lot of togetherness in a relationship, and I would not want my husband going out with work people all the time and late into the night. That's just me.....

[MaxiC]

Hi,

Again thank you all for your replies.

Firstly to clear one small thing up. He doesnt gamble often at all. Its just that this next night out is being held at the dog tracks. My job has also brought us to one of these nights on occasion. Its minimal betting really on a few €'s on each race. I think i may have lead some of you to believe he was a chronic gambeler.. if so sorry.

Also the worknights out do not go on to 4am. The majority of his work crowd go home at 10 or 11pm and the usual suspect head to another pub and/or club. I think a lot of it is to do with the guys on his team. They are all also in their 20's but only one other has a girlfriend/partner..and they do not live together. I think silvertae was right about missing his wild college days.. we spoke properly about a lot last night and one of the issues he raised was that with all our saving (we're planning to buy an apartment next year) and living expenses we've stopped having fun like we used to.. Which i think may be a little true.. aside from our holidays in June and specific occasions we really dont get out a whole lot maybe only once or twice a month. So we've agreed to have one night a week where we go out. Nothing crazy expensive and nothing too wild. Maybe drinks and a club one weekend, dinner and a movie the next.. (ive fallen into the habit of having our friends over for drinks and dinner or going to friends houses instead of going out on the town.. thats common though right?). So we'll start there. He's also agreed to cut the work nights out down, and even though he is still going on thursday (as he insists he has to) he has promised go to show his face and leave coming directly home afterwards..no clubs no 4am wake up call.. im really crossing my fingers he follows through with that part or ill have to spend friday mad at him..and who wants to be mad on their bday?

After talking through a lot he said he doesnt think he needs to see a doctor, and wanted to leave it a few weeks to see how it goes, but you know i think strike while the irons hot..go anyway, what harm can it do.

I feel so much more hopeful today, and i think a lot of it is to do with being able to share the problem and hear different opinions. And Rachel77 the first line of your responce..thank you.

We're still emailing this morning over and back.. no serious talk just some banter but im going to keep it up so if another issue arises or the same one, anything really i have this way to try to help sort it out aswell as talking.

I'll let you know if he keeps his promise thursday night... i think/hope he will

[CHANDLERS WISH]

MaxiC

i wont stay late and ill borrow some money to cover bets (its greyhound racing night - a common work night out in this city) and i get mad. Hes already spent the money for my birthday now hes borrowing more to go out the night before it and is willing to have us sit the night of mine

.

MaxiC
of course this didnt happen, and he spent all the money plus another €100 on top, and fell home drunk and loud at 4am..

MaxiC
They are all also in their 20's but only one other has a girlfriend/partner..and they do not live together.

MaxiC
But there just seems to be an endless amount of work nights out, with meals and quizzes and free bars for the staff as some form of teambuilding

MaxiC
After talking through a lot he said he doesnt think he needs to see a doctor, and wanted to leave it a few weeks to see how it go

Sorry, I'm also known for my honesty, seeking the thoughts of your words....peoples... 2000 later...

I am not going to say that i think this is good... Nor, that this is right... He is denying and I respect your thoughts totally and hope it goes your way but I would like you to "consider" the things I have highlighted.

MaxiC

Then your reply of "sorry I gave you the wrong idea" "things seems to be
great" "tell you after Thursday"..

Men have a habitual habit (sorry) as "Women do" make no doubt...(People) Want to hide the truth? Tell her/him a story? Hide..........

You told it how it is.... I am pleased you see hope. And, I will hope...

I"m not going to sugar coat my thoughts... I am going to say to you that "HE NOW DOESN'T WANT TO SEE A DOCTOR/NO NEED"..... You need to actually see this as it is and get to the bottom of it... Don't surcum to a guy in this instance saying "Oh it's ok I'm just so it's ok?"....

Re-read all posts and your threads....

I think you are beautiful and have a heart of gold...

But, one think I have learnt?

Sometimes people see and a couple of people have taught me this here on this Forum)... Some, will take what they WANT to hear, then feel great, happy and go with that, instead of ACTUAL/FACTUAL hard, cold facts. Sound familiar?

So, I am hoping you are right but my "gut" says, he's now backing out, doesn't want to realise any prob.... He's still being the boys with they boys, "I can afford" " (I am cool" "I'm a dood" "Cool Job" " I want to be part of this" " I'll spend 50 on booze, 50 on trots". " I am going places cool"... I DO NOT NEED A DOCTOR.


Think about this...

In my "Opinion" there is a reason.... and your love can work it through ok? Not, great, he's over it, he will make it better it will ease, ahh great... Watch Thurs night it won't happen...

Truly? I HOPE SO.... If not? Re-read some POSTS. And decide if you can bring this guy even possibly? "Out of depression" Or, he thinks he has to keep up with the Jones's.....

But take care and none of this to heart... People ask for advice? So Opinioins will be given... Take from it what you feel is important and what you feel is not, ignore...

Same goes for any other post under this.....

But take care...

CW