loved one trying to loose weight...extreme measures?

**kel0887** · 04-21-2011 01:04 PM

my life partner wants to loose weight. she complains about her weight all the time and thinks it is a big contributor to her health problems, such as edema, leg/back pain, and constant fatigue. she wants to have either the lap band or gastric bypass procedure done. I, however, do not feel like her weight is a big problem, as much as her diet and lack of exercise. the dr has put her on some diet pills, in which she claimed didn't work after only taking them 3-5 times. her dr has put her on a strict calorie diet, which she fails to follow. and she has been told to work her way into an exercise routine, which she once again has failed to start. I am not a huge supporter of those who don't try to better themselves without medical means. I have recently told her that if she wants to have this done, that I will no longer be with her. It may sound a little harsh, but I don't think that this is the best way to go about weight loss. I myself am I bigger person, and am unhappy about my size, however, I wouldn't go to the extreme measures of having a medical procedure done. I would try anything and everything possible to get myself better before going to this measure. Is it wrong that I don't support her in this?

**KMonte85** · 04-21-2011 01:17 PM

Although it is her body, and ultimately her decision - you, she, and her doctor all seem to know that she is overweight strictly because of poor eating and exercising habits, and surgery is not an answer. That makes it very hard for anyone who cares for her, to support a decision to have a risky surgery when there are much simplier, healthier means to get the same result. Do you have to support her in her decision? No. But understand that it may be the end of the relationship if you don't... it seems like you do understand this, and are willing to make that sacrifice.

The real tragedy is, that if she does get the surgery (lap band or gastric bypass), it won't help. She may lose weight for a while strictly because her body can't physically take the same amount of food, but eventually it will ALL COME BACK because she wouldn't have changed her habits and her stomach will again stretch to accomodate the bad foods that made her overweight to begin with.

You might want to explain this to her... you also may want to call her doctor and tell him or her about your partner's lack of commitment to the healthy programs she's been instructed to do. Because any decent doctor will not risk surgery on someone who is ultimately unwilling to change their lifestyle.

**LanaBear** · 04-21-2011 01:26 PM

WLS is a tool, it is not a solution or answer and it is not the easy way out, it is a lot of work and takes discipline and dedication and a real want to change ones life. If she cannot commit to making the changes, it won't work for her.

If you don't want to support her, that is your decision... But you cannot force your opinions and feeling onto her. Ultimately she will make the decision she wants, maybe it will work for her, maybe it won't. I do think it is sad that you will no longer be with her because of this. Just because you wouldn't have it done, doesn't mean that your decision is the right decision for everybody.

With all that said, again, if she is unwilling to commit to this as a LIFE STYLE CHANGE then she shouldn't be getting it done. It would benefit the two of you to attend a seminar, they have them everywhere, it is generally a requirement, at least for LapBand surgery. Go and talk to the Dr with her, do not let her go by herself. Don't call the Dr behind her back and play tattle tale. Go to her next appt with her and listen to her Dr and make sure the Dr listens to you and her.

**kel0887** · 04-21-2011 01:40 PM

I have stood beside her for 4 1/2 years in whatever it was she wanted to do. I do not think these procedures will do her any good, as someone has already said because she isn't willing to eat right and follow a healthy exercise routine. It is sad that I won't stand by her for this decision, and I know my thoughts and feelings have an impact on her, but she doesn't have to accept them as her own. I would just think that if you are that unhappy with your own body, you would try to better yourself and do anything and everything possible to avoid a procedure.

**LanaBear** · 04-21-2011 02:01 PM

Well... FWIW, more often than not, a psychiatric eval is REQUIRED by the Dr to even be considered a candidate for WLS. If they do not see the person as a fit for it, they will not approve the surgery. If she proceeds, you should go to these appts with her, to make sure she is honest with others and herself. It is also required that you have meetings/appts with a nutritionist, on top of that required monthly support meeting BEFORE and after surgery so that you don't go into it with unrealistic expectations.

Have a heart to heart with her. Make sure she is generally listening to your concerns, not just acting as if she is listening. It is not a decision to be taken lightly.

**KMonte85** · 04-21-2011 02:18 PM

From what you've said about your partner, kel and Lana's mention about the eval with my (admittedly limited) knowledge about the process.. she most likely would not be a candidate for the surgery anyway. not that it makes her wanting to and your strong feelings against her doing so any different.

Being honest with her, not in any aggressive or accusatory way, may help her see that more than she needs her stomach stapled, she needs counselors, her doctors, and nutrition and exercise training expert to guide her to a healthier lifestyle. You mentioned you are also overweight, would you change your habits with her so they two of you are working together to be healthier? Sometimes for a person struggling to lose weight, having that support of someone doing it with you is crucial to staying on course. Perhaps you've already tried this, but thought it was worth mentioning

I do feel for you though, that it is very VERY hard to watch someone be so unhappy with themselves to the point that they will take on mortal danger to fix it, when they could change a few small habits and get the same (and probably better) results.

**kel0887** · 04-28-2011 10:32 PM

I am more than willing to eat better and to exercise more if that will get her to thinking differently about having this procedure. She, however, sees it as she is so unhealthy due to her weight, that she cannot exercise properly. To me, it is just an excuse. I don't understand it, and she doesn't care to explain it to me. I just want what is best for her, and this procedure, in my mind, definitely isn't it.

**Udderperfection** · 05-02-2011 12:59 AM

kel0887, i totally agree with you. The proverb goes "let the end try the man". I also recommend people to lose weight naturally. I want to say following a healthy diet plan and physical exercise. The main problem is that most of us have little patience to follow them and few have really no time to follow them. So after a period you have to take decision to go for medicines and surgery. Science has progressed a lot now a day, so if you contact a good surgeon or a diet consultant i hope he/she will show you the right path. So, best of luck.