Last week I wrote about “the Art of Strip Tease”, one of men’s top fantasies. This week I want to delve more into what women want. It is obvious with bestsellers like “Fifty Shades of Grey” that women do have fantasies and want to at least read about them, if not fulfill them. Years before “Fifty Shades”, Nancy Friday wrote a few books called “My Secret Garden” and “Forbidden Fruit” where she interviewed hundreds of women, and compiled the top sexual fantasies that women thought about in secret.
Ah, the faceless stranger. No need to define him, he is the epitome of every hot, sexy man you ever crushed on. He is the stranger in the night who sweeps you off your feet, romances you like a Prince and then devours you like a beast. The anonymity of this fantasy reduces the relationship to a “purely physical one” says Friday, “[While] it heightens romance and adds drama; it increases pleasure and eliminates guilt, fantasy’s enemy.” No strings attached, no worries about ever meeting in person, no STDs or unwanted pregnancies, your imagination is the only limit and almost anything could happen.
Surrender of Control
This is a kind of “rape” or “being taken” fantasy. In it, the “victim” can surrender control to her captor and become an object of desire. She doesn’t have to tell him her unspoken desires. She doesn’t need to break taboos and become the “bad” girl, for she is not responsible for her actions and therefore can be relieved of any sexual guilt. If you are held down or are tied up, you are not in control of what happens to you. So you still remain a “good girl” even during the naughtiest of sex.
Researchers from the University of North Texas found that 62% of women have rape fantasies. According to another study entitled “Women’s Rape Fantasies: An Empirical Evaluation of the Major Explanations”, women fantasize about rape as a form of “sexual blame avoidance”. The theory goes that socially women are taught not to be promiscuous, so “rape” fantasies allow them to not be responsible for their sexual desires, and therefore they can fantasize about hot sex guilt free.
Dominance and Submission
Being submissive in one form or another was the biggest fantasy in Friday’s books for women. Whether it was a “surrender of control”, a rape fantasy, or being a sex slave like Anastasia in “Fifty Shades”, women still want to be in the role where the man is in control, at least in the bedroom.
“My Secret Garden” was written twenty five years ago. Since then women have supposedly won their liberation, so you would think women would desire to play more dominant roles. However, Friday says that is exactly the reason why women want to be dominated in bed: “[T]he new reality of being man’s equal makes them unconsciously nervous about their identity as women, and so throws them back into longing for the traditional, safe, and “known” role… [However] … As women move more strongly into their recently won sexual freedom, and leave their historic role of second (and “silent”) sex behind, I predict that they will, ironically, get into domination fantasies more and more.”
Voyeurism and Exhibitionism
Women’s fantasies of watching or being watched take many forms. Sometimes they are aroused by the idea of secretly watching their lover having sex with “the other woman” or perhaps a prostitute. Other times they are the ones on display, undressing in front of a window while a Peeping Tom ravishes them with his eyes, or performing sexually on a stage while an appreciative audience applauds, designating them to pure objects of desire. Here, the desire to be watched is an objectifying one, where the women are turned into erotic objects under the “male” gaze.
Both men and women have spanking fantasies, many without the desire to actually be spanked in reality. While some enjoy it for the sake of the pain itself, many enjoy the fantasy because of the humiliation aspect it brings. Like being a naughty impertinent girl and getting her just rewards from her lover as he throws her over his knee and bares her bottom. Or, the school girl who is caned by the Head Mistress at school for some undeserved infraction. Spanking fantasies have become so popular that many couples enjoy this type of role playing together, and next to “bedroom bondage” erotic spanking is a popular fantasy and sexual pastime.
To have fantasies of being with another woman doesn’t necessarily make a woman a lesbian or bisexual. Many “straight” women enjoy these fantasies and many young women (and rock stars!) act them out (at least the kissing, fondling part). But the allure of being with the opposite sex is undeniable: the desire of touching soft flesh so similar to one’s own, or the taboo aspect of it. Even in porn, lesbian sex is quite popular with so-called straight couples.
Do All Women Fantasize Sexually?
From Nancy Friday’s research, we can assume that all women do have fantasies in some form or another. Whether they are fantasizing while having sex, or during masturbation, or daydreaming or reading erotica. To many women these fantasies are a secret place where they can go and take charge of their own sexuality, creating the ultimate sexual experience of their hottest dreams.
According to authors of Women’s Sexual Fantasies – the Latest Scientific Research, “having fantasies about things we would never endorse or choose to do in reality, are not necessarily signs of psychological disturbance. In fact, according to this research, women who have rape fantasies also tend to have more positive attitudes toward sex, high self esteem, and more frequent consensual sexual fantasies.”—Huffington Post
So, sexual fantasies are good for you too. What do you think about fantasies? Are they important? Do they get you off? Do tell.