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facial hair and relationships

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  • facial hair and relationships

    Hey ladies,
    I have PCOS and excessive facial hair growth and have dealt with it for the past 8 years, unfortunately I made the mistake of shaving it when I was younger. I'm 23 now, and wish someone would have told me when I was younger shaving it off was the worst possible thing I could do!
    I live with my boyfriend and I am constantly hiding this from him. I am sure he notices being that I tend to get the ''five o'clock shadow'' towards the end of the day. I was wondering how other people address this horrible issue with their siginificant others? Its embarassing and he plays dumb to it. We had a mutual friend tell him to buy me a beard trimmer for christmas and he wanted to know why he would do that.
    Between the facial hair, and having dark discoloration around my neck and between my breasts (acanthosis nigracans) I feel disgusting, and I don't know how to tell him what my issue is. How does everyone deal with this?

  • There is no need to feel disgusting. I'm sure your boyfriend finds you beautiful as you are. Facial hair is typically a masculine feature, but you have PCOS, and excess growth is sometimes a byproduct of that. It doesn't make you any less of a woman.

    I'd say honesty is the best policy. Sit down with your boyfriend, explain the situation, and tell you what is bothering you. Then you can work on making you feel more comfortable. Who knows, you two might even get a kick out of something like shaving together each morning (no, I'm not making fun, it's a serious suggestion).


    • I can understand your reason for not wanting to share this with your boyfriend... if you are sure he knows but isn't saying anything... its likely it doesn't bother him, and he doesn't want to make you feel insecure by mentioning to you what he's sure you obviously already know. Know what I mean?

      Is laser hair removal an option for you? If you ever go that route I hope you find a reputable person to do it as I've seen some pics online of laser hair removal gone bad (facial burns etc) ... but with a professional that knows what they are doing perhaps it could be beneficial?

      I don't know what other alternatives might work... have you tried waxing? I know waxing pulls from the root... would be painful but you'd get much longer time in between shaving.

      I know that's not what you asked, you asked about how to address this with your boyfriend... and if you are pretty sure he knows, theres probably not much to address. He's obviously comfortable with how you are maintaining yourself.

      Guys don't always want to know what you do to look how you do. Some guys would prefer you shut that bathroom door and keep everything behind private to keep some mystery in the relationship.

      Some don't want to see you shave your legs or pubes, they want the tampons under the cubbord and not on the counter...etc...

      You don't have to think of it as hiding but think of it as your own personal grooming time. If he has questions or is like hun? Do you shave your face? You should answer him very matter of factly and not make it an issue... yeah this dang pcos throws my hormones off , its a pain :P

      Someone told me a long time ago when I had little body flaws I was insecure with (strech markes in particular) that men tend to look at the woman they are into and see the things they think are beautiful, they see what they like and they don't notice those little flaws til they are pointed out over and over again.

      Is my butt fat? Is my butt fat? Do you think my butt is fat in these pants? Is it? Is it fat? They were so busy looking at your beautiful face and full breasts they never once gave a thought to how fat your butt was til you forced them to consider it.

      I've never had an issue with facial hair, so I can't begin to understand how this may feel for you, but I think any women and most men can relate to having an insecurity about themselves that there is no easy fix for ... and its learning to love yourself and do what you can to feel better.
      Last edited by Hopeless Dork; 02-08-2010, 10:41 PM.
      Scars remind us of where we've been...they don't have to dictate where we're going.


      • PCOS is not as rare as one might think. You are not the only person struggling with unwanted hair growth, you are not alone and you are not less of a woman!
        Few things to consider:
        1) shaving or not shaving has nothing to do w/ hair growth. Hormones are the 'on/off' switch. Don't beat yourself up and shave or not as you prefer.

        2) see a good endocrinologist who is experienced dealing w/ POCS. Like, do that now.

        3) permanent hair removal is your best option if you can afford the $. While laser is a great option for some parts of the body, electrolysis is better for the face. Yes, expect discomfort (ok, it hurts - more on some areas (upper lip is the worst for most folks) and less on others. And takes time and multiple sessions. Find an experienced operator if taking this option - research for yourself.



        • Originally posted by p3375 View Post
          research[/U] for yourself.

          I totally agree with this advice...do some research first before spending $ on some products...you might find some help there...why not try hairwaxing secrets on google or yahoo? nothing beats a prepared mind...


          • Hi everyone,
            I just found this website and have to say that it's nice to know I'm not the only one dealing with this horrible problem. I started growing very dark, black, excessive hair when I was about 11 or 12 years old (I am now 30). I have it on my chest, arms, legs, feet, toes, knuckles, belly, lower and upper back, and on my chin, upper lip, hairline, forehead, and in between my eyebrows (and am extremely fair skinned, so it shows even more.) Teasing started in middle school and kids would come up to me and ask, "Do you know that you have a moustache?" In high school I was called "The bearded lady." This has effected my self esteem so much that I obsess over it, don't like to take showers because I have to look at and feel my face, and I pluck my chin, neck, and eyebrows every day only to achieve the results of ingrown, very dark, stubbly black hairs that have increased in amount. During high school I got electrolysis treatments once a week and they started to help after a long while, but when my parents stopped paying for them and I could not afford them myself, the hair returned and I went pack to tweezing again. A few years back I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. I too get a five-o-clock shadow and try not to get close to anyone I'm talking to (especially guys!) in fear that they will see how bad it is, even though from close distances I already see their eyes gravitate directly towards my chin or in between my eyebrows. I cannot afford electrolysis or laser treatments as I am very low income, so have just continued with cream hair removal and tweezing. I am now almost 7 weeks pregnant, and, just when I thought it couldn't possibly get any worse, have noticed in the past couple of weeks an extreme increase in my facial and body hair. It is so bad I haven't been going to college or out in public. Please, can someone relate or help? It's just so awful and I feel so ugly. I feel like I was meant to be born as a man. These are awful feelings, especially as a woman. Anyone out there in a similar situation please respond. Thanks.


            • I just posted my first post in a thread about Vaniqa, and explained my story. I totally understand what you are going through. I'm sure my husband and previous boyfriends also must have noticed my facial hair, and odd behavior to rush to deal with it in the morning and touch things up in the evening, but no one ever said anything. My husband and I have separate bathrooms and I keep all my implements (all sorts of hair removal creams, waxes, bleaches, along with an electric shaver - clearly meant for men) in there, and I live in fear of him rooting around under my sink and finding all that stuff. I just picked up Vaniqa at my pharmacy, and I had to do it secretly and hide it. I just don't want anything to make him THINK about it. Like I said, he MUST have noticed, but I hope he just doesn't think about it now.

              The only time I have ever been able to address this issue with a guy was after one dumped me. I strongly believed that a large reason he broke up with me was that I was always evading him because of my embarrassment over my facial hair. If we were out in the sunlight, I even sort of walked behind him or didn't want to face him when I talked to him. It was ridiculous. I felt like I needed to explain (and hoped he would take me back, of course.) He claimed that he had never noticed, and just said that if it bothered me so much I should just have it dealt with professionally.

              I have not had the courage to bring this up with my husband. Fortunately at this point I am well off enough financially that I can afford Vaniqa, laser treatments, etc.. I have FINALLY gotten up the courage to mention it to a doctor, which boosted my confidence in talking about it with strangers, so I will soon contact someone about laser treatments. I hope to just handle it that way and be done with it and NOT have to address it with him. But I do believe that if I told him, he would be understanding, just like that ex-boyfriend was.

              I would have died of embarrassment had a mutual friend told my husband or boyfriend to buy me a beard trimmer. That is just MEAN.


              • Well, I'm sorry to pass along two unfortunate truths about body/facial hair.

                First: you're not imagining it - pregnancy often stimulates additional unwanted body hair. It's the hormone rush that does it.

                Second: Vaniqua doesn't have a very good track record. Effectiveness is very iffy. Check out research from unbiased sources and you'll see what I mean.

                I do understand the feelings excess hair brings. So sorry to hear you're going through this!


                • Could you please pass along links to unbiased research? I have been searching for information about its effectiveness - research and also testimonials one way or the other. I don't expect it to be that effective on its own, but I have read that some high percentage (90% or higher, I think) of people who use it in concert with laser hair removal have success (versus something like 64% who just use laser hair removal.) My hair problem (described in my Vaniqa thread) is pretty localized to my chin and under my chin, with no problems at all with a mustache, sideburns, etc.. So FORTUNATELY even though the hair there is terrible, I don't have to worry about my entire face.


                  • I have the same issues

                    I have not been to a Dr. to officially diagnose me with what you have, but I know I have herutism of some sort. It started when I was 12. I got darker hair on my upper lip and if I didn't nair it off I would have to avoid getting close to people. A couple times throughout my life i have had people notice and they make you feel so disgusting. The hair has stayed consistent on my upper lip until into my twenties. One time though in high school, my boyfriend saw a stray hair on my upper neck. The hair was distinct and I thought he was going to dump me or be disgusted because I was. I have always had a good amount of self esteem and am proud of the accomplishments I have made alongside this problem, but it is never ending!!! As of a year ago I have been getting random hair on my neck, and sides of my face. I even had acne around my jaw line in conjunction with it at one point when I was extremely stressed out. I have never had acne before. I have switched birth controls but have always had a consistency of hair. I got a few laser treatments done prior to me moving last year and I thought it would work, but I must be having hormonal issues because it didn't do anything. I know I need to see a Dr. It has surfaced back to the point where I just want to hide and cry. I hide it from my husband the best I can with hair removal cremes. My mom and a couple close people know about it but it doesn't change it. I always think, "what if I was stranded on an island without nair? with my husband!! He would see the real me, the gross facial haired chick!" I am an attractive woman but this hair issue has taken my emotions on a high! I have always been honest with my husband about issues, but I refuse to tell him about this. This is my burden and I deal with enough pain from it as it is.


                    • Originally posted by Brittanywrd View Post
                      I always think, "what if I was stranded on an island without nair? with my husband!! He would see the real me, the gross facial haired chick!"

                      I can totally relate to this. My boyfriend is totally outdoorsy. He wants us to go camping so bad, and I keep avoiding the topic, I've avoided it for three years! Its bad enough when we go on vacation and the hotel has an open bathroom area. Its horrible how much I feel this limits me. I don't even like wearing my hair up, I ALWAYS have to wear makeup, because it's too obvious if I don't.

                      I'm at a loss of what to do. I have done research and the only thing that's been suggested is laser or electrolysis. I've tried waxing, and creams like nair. Nair doesn't work, it leaves chemical burns to the point I end up being the SCABBY hairy faced chick. Waxing causes insane ingrown hairs. I feel like I am a slave to the razor. Laser didn't work, and it costed a TON, and electrolysis seemed to make it worse.

                      To make it worse, we are suppose to be going to visit his mom, and we'll be staying with her, so it's just one more person I have to dart away from first thing in the morning while I'm running to the bathroom to fix my face!


                      • I can relate

                        Hi, I can completely relate to what you are going through. I too have waking nightmares about ending up in jail (even though in real life I would never do anything illegal) without tweezers. All the women and guards would see me as the manly woman I already feel I am. The hair between my eyebrows would grow back, and I would have a weird, stubblt uni-brow with all sorts of straggly, long, stubbly hairs growing out from under my eyebrows. I would grow a complete beard and my mustache would be thick and dark. The hair on my belly, knuckles, and bottom would grow back, as would the hair on my feet and toes. If this happened, I see myself as a gorrilla. Sometimes I wonder if I was born a hermaphodite, and my parents chose to raise me as a female. I also have a lot of other "manly" features, such as big, broad shoulders, big, man-like hands, and a deep voice, among other things. I have had my hormones checked by many Dr.'s and they're fine, but I do have Polycystic Ovarion Syndrome. When I was in High School, my Dermatologist told me that the pattern of my acne was the same as male-pattern acne. I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel like a freak of nature. Well, I didn't post to complain, so I'm sorry that this post kind of turned into that. I just want you to know that you're not alone. If you want to talk, send me a post. Thanks


                        • I know what you all are going through and I'm glad I found this forum. I'm 35 and have been dealing with this since I was 17. I shave everyday and suffer from a 5 o'clock shadow. I've had 16 laser treatments in the past only for the problem to come back within a year. I have almost given up on finding a solution to this problem. It took me 5yrs to tell my husband, but he supports and loves me just the way I am. Although I am very lucky to have his support, this condition can be very lonely and isolating.


                          • laser treatment

                            To get rid of unwanted hairs, you can take help from Laser Treatment.Its the best way of hair removal and also permanent. So you can try the Laser Treatment and take benefit from it.


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