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Exboyfriend had a violent past-it's better we aren't together, but I love & miss him

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  • Exboyfriend had a violent past-it's better we aren't together, but I love & miss him

    If anyone has any advice on how to get over a relationship with a man you loved so much, but cannot be with, I would greatly appreciate it.

    My (now ex) boyfriend and I just broke up after five months of dating. He was handsome, smart, honest, witty, liked my family, and we had one of the best connections I've ever experienced. Of course he wasn't without his flaws. He could be sensitive and easily frustrated. He was always inappropriate and cursed like a sailor. We would bicker about very stupid things. But we fell for each other quickly, and became best friends. It was the shortest, but most satisfying relationship I've ever had. We broke up because of several things, but mainly because I couldn't get over a: our differences, and b: his dark past. When we got together we knew it wouldn't be for the long haul, because I wanted kids and he didn't. That always bothered me deep down, but I tried to ignore it, because we were trying to have fun (until we fell in love, whoops). The other issue was this: his past relationship, which was very volatile, ended because they had a physical altercation and he was arrested and charged with assault. At one point, he admits he had his hands around her throat. He was up front about this from day one. He told me the circumstances, and it sounds like they were a match made in hell, and that the fight was started by her and mutual (at least at first). However, I will never know the truth of what happened that night, because I've only heard his side. I hoped it truly was mutual, but the fact that he was arrested and she wasn't might tell a different story. As much as this worried me, I gave him the benefit of the doubt, because I felt that he was a good person and it could have been a one-time situation. His ex sounded toxic to him, and he to her. But that was, of course, always in the back of my mind. I never once felt fearful of him, as he was supportive and loving. He didn't isolate me or belittle me, in fact, the opposite--he always encouraged me when I was trying to better myself, and always wanted to spend time with my family. The relationship was great.

    Unfortunately, it didn't work out. He liked to debate things and I tend to dance around issues. That frustrated him, and I was hypersensitive to his frustration. I always worried, if he was getting frustrated with me over stupid things, what would it be like when we came across a bigger issue? He never raised a hand to me, nor made me feel like he was going to, but when I said something that accidentally hurt his feelings or did something that really annoyed him, he could be really firm and would shut down the conversation, and sometimes he would be pretty cold. We broke up because we couldn't agree where to go on vacation and he got so frustrated he told me "forget it, we aren't going anywhere," and I cried, telling him I felt like we argued all the time. I felt like he was always annoyed or frustrated by me. He was blindsided by that because he thought things were great. He said yes, I annoyed him sometimes, but he always got over it immediately. He felt hurt that I felt this way and didn't tell him. I explained I was hypersensitive to our disagreements because it was yet another reminder that we have so many differences, and I was worried if we couldn't handle the little ones, we would never be able to handle the bigger ones. He was so upset by that, after a big argument, we broke up. He felt that I never truly committed 100% to the relationship. I told him I loved him with all my heart but couldn't help the worries in the back of my mind, but it didn't mean I wasn't committed, it just meant I was scared. The breakup brought out his bad side. We could not see eye to eye, and he pinned all of our problems on me, saying every disagreement we would have would be rooted in that fear, and that there was nothing he could do to fix it. We argued back and forth for a half hour, with me crying and him being cold. Finally he had enough and told me it was over. Told me to leave his house because he had to look out for himself from now on, and that us breaking up was the first step to him being happy again. Because every argument we had lead to another and he couldn't deal with that. He refused to budge or apologize for any of the times he shut me down and hurt my feelings. He told me I was immature and had unresolved issues. I knew it was over because he was being unreasonable and unfair, and saying things to try to hurt me, while I cried and told him I loved him. I didn't mean to hurt his feelings by making him think I wasn't committed. I was. I love him with all my heart, and he knew that. He was just upset with me because he felt that I was "harboring" these negative feelings. And that was how he chose to express it. I begged him for a hug and after much resistance, he gave me one. All the anger melted off of him and we stood in the living room just embracing for five minutes. Everything felt so right. But I knew it was still wrong. We simply can't communicate or see eye to eye. And that won't work.

    My question is, how do you get over someone who you loved so much, and who was wonderful to you, but you knew it wouldn't work with? I'm writing this because I'm suffering with my confliction. I know this is the right choice. But I also know I could have done things better or communicated differently so I was a better partner to him. But the fact that he could be so cold to me worried me. I could not live with the worry of one day angering my partner who has a history of violence. Maybe I would have never made him as angry his ex did. So why condemn him for something that he hasn't done to me? We were so happy together. He was loving, supportive, and told me I was beautiful everyday. Our connection was like nothing I've ever experienced. In the moment we held each other after breaking up, it all came pouring back over me like a waterfall. It was almost strong enough to make us both say screw it, sure we aren't seeing eye to eye, but somehow we'll figure it out. But logically I know this simply isn't true. He has potential to be dangerous. And I can't be in a relationship where I have to worry about never angering my partner. I know this is right. But how do I move on?

  • The most important factor for healing a broken heart is time passing. Unfortunately we don't have an emotion switch.

    It's good to have the logic behind it like you do, too. You know it won't work so the best option is moving on regardless of your feelings.
    "Those sowing seed with tears
    Will reap with a joyful shout." - Psalm 126

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    • Some relationships are not meant to be. It doesn't mean that you could not keep it together for a while. just not for a long time. Best wishes on the future.
      I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
      ...
      Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

      From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

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