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What to do about my Cheating Partner

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  • What to do about my Cheating Partner

    My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years, we moved in together a couple of months ago and work together at the same job. I recently started noticing how friendly he's being with our fellow female coworkers. So much so that they've recently decided to all start meeting together and hanging out, this always involves alcohol and I am never invited. I tried not to be jealous or a buzz kill and didn't make a big fuss about my boyfriend going. However, I started getting suspicious about his relationship with one specific coworker (who I'll refer to as Raven), he always gave her rides and they had a lot of shifts together and it just didn't feel right in my gut so I asked around work and everyone said they didn't notice what I was noticing. I was starting to think I was crazy for making up this tension until I couldn't take it anymore and went through my boyfriend's phone and not only found videos of him doing sexual acts with Raven, but with most of my other female coworkers. I haven't talked to anyone about this and don't know how I should go about this. Any help?

  • Originally posted by oregondoll27 View Post
    My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years, we moved in together a couple of months ago and work together at the same job. I recently started noticing how friendly he's being with our fellow female coworkers. So much so that they've recently decided to all start meeting together and hanging out, this always involves alcohol and I am never invited. I tried not to be jealous or a buzz kill and didn't make a big fuss about my boyfriend going. However, I started getting suspicious about his relationship with one specific coworker (who I'll refer to as Raven), he always gave her rides and they had a lot of shifts together and it just didn't feel right in my gut so I asked around work and everyone said they didn't notice what I was noticing. I was starting to think I was crazy for making up this tension until I couldn't take it anymore and went through my boyfriend's phone and not only found videos of him doing sexual acts with Raven, but with most of my other female coworkers. I haven't talked to anyone about this and don't know how I should go about this. Any help?
    Welcome to WH Interactive Forums. I cannot see a good way that this relationship will continue. Unfortunately you had to move in together to be close enough to see the whole picture which prompted you to start digging. My only advice is to untangle living with him and get out of the relationship. Because he was cheating with your coworkers, you might want to consider changing jobs and getting physically away from the whole situation. I'm sorry because this whole situation is hurting you.
    I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
    ...
    Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

    From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

    Comment


    • Hi and welcome to the forums, although I’m sorry that your situation is what brought you here.

      The fact that you were made to feel like you were crazy when those around you at work said they didn’t notice what you were noticing (I’m assuming that at least a couple of those people were IN videos he took at some point??), leads me to believe that:

      1. You need to change jobs, asap

      2. You need to move out, asap

      It is up to you whether you want to confront your boyfriend (or when), however, it MAY be wise to wait to do so until you have somewhere to go — whether that’s moving out permanently or staying with someone you know/trust until you do find a permanent place to live.

      Reason being, after you have the conversation and confront him about it, if you do, living with him (and working with him) will likely be uncomfortable, if not impossible.

      I would start by quietly making arrangements for yourself — job seeking, apartment/living situation plans, even finding out what you need to do to remove yourself from your current lease if there is one.

      Unless you’re in a situation financially where you can just leave now, quit your job, and figure things out afterward. That’s an option if you can swing it. If you can’t, you’ll likely need to take that in steps.

      I don’t see this relationship as being one that’s salvageable, given what I know of it. He not only cheated on you but did it with multiple people AND put it on video. But to go out with others and then not even invite you? All of this was done with an intention on his part and I doubt confronting him about it will make him change his behavior — if you’d even be able to trust that he could, if he said he would.

      The guy’s got issues — I only wish they were ones you were aware of before you moved in together.

      I’m really sorry that you’re in this situation. It’s important to know (if you don’t already) that YOU didn’t do anything wrong — this is on him, 100%. If he wanted to sleep around, he should have ended the relationship at that point.

      Right now, you’re on damage control — and that means finding YOUR path forward, without him or that job — because you’re not going to want to continue working with people who either had sex with him OR lied about knowing anything about what he’s been up to.

      I know what my own spite would have me do were I in your situation so I won't make those types of suggestions, however, as of this moment, everything you do has to be done with your best interests in mind only. My advice: make the arrangements you need to, and get as far away from this situation as you can.

      Comment


      • Welcome to the Forums! I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation, but so glad that you trusted us for some feedback and advice!

        I agree with the others. But first, where is your head in all this? What is it you want to happen here? How are you dealing with all this so far? Are you having thoughts of giving him another chance and trying to work this out? Or are you just done - do you want to confront him?

        As mentioned by the others, the best thing for you to do here is to remove yourself completely from this situation. Leave behind the job and all the people that will constantly remind you of this. New living arrangements will help you move on from the boyfriend and speed the process of healing from this traumatic experience. I hope those are your goals as well.

        I'm not necessarily a believer that a relationship that experiences infidelity is unsalvageable. In this case, however, your boyfriend cheated with multiple people, in a manner that was quite likely you'd find out - with people you knew. So, I think that's a pretty good indicator of his character and his loyalty to you. It also makes me wonder if he wanted you to find out. Have you ever suspected him of being unfaithful before?

        Comment


        • Originally posted by atskitty2 View Post
          Welcome to the Forums! I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation, but so glad that you trusted us for some feedback and advice!

          I agree with the others. But first, where is your head in all this? What is it you want to happen here? How are you dealing with all this so far? Are you having thoughts of giving him another chance and trying to work this out? Or are you just done - do you want to confront him?

          As mentioned by the others, the best thing for you to do here is to remove yourself completely from this situation. Leave behind the job and all the people that will constantly remind you of this. New living arrangements will help you move on from the boyfriend and speed the process of healing from this traumatic experience. I hope those are your goals as well.

          I'm not necessarily a believer that a relationship that experiences infidelity is unsalvageable. In this case, however, your boyfriend cheated with multiple people, in a manner that was quite likely you'd find out - with people you knew. So, I think that's a pretty good indicator of his character and his loyalty to you. It also makes me wonder if he wanted you to find out. Have you ever suspected him of being unfaithful before?
          Thank you all for the advice, as of now I have separated myself from the situation physically without a confrontation. I had plenty of PTO at work and told my soon-to-be-Ex-Boyfriend that I was visiting family. I am currently trying to get a new job and living situation in order but I guess I’d have to say that I can’t really pinpoint where my head is at.

          At this point, it still doesn’t even feel real. I feel hollow and numb and am trying to grasp the situation.

          I had never suspected him of cheating before but he was always suspicious of me and is very much the jealous type. All that led me to believe that he wasn’t even capable of doing this but, here we are.

          Comment


          • Originally posted by oregondoll27 View Post

            At this point, it still doesn’t even feel real. I feel hollow and numb and am trying to grasp the situation.

            I had never suspected him of cheating before but he was always suspicious of me and is very much the jealous type. All that led me to believe that he wasn’t even capable of doing this but, here we are.
            I am so sorry for what you're going through. I won't say that I know exactly how you feel because betrayals of this nature have so much nuance involved, but anyone who has ever been cheated on (myself, included) can relate in their own ways. And it sucks. It's a visceral feeling that just leaves you... gutted. (And at the same time, I've been on the other side of it too; it isn't something I'm proud of, but I was young, bored, and stupid. If anything, it was an important life lesson, I suppose...)

            I'm glad that you had time off of work and can use the "cover" of visiting family while you figure out what comes next. At least it gives you some time and space to breathe, think, and work through it in a way that will ultimately move you forward. Eventually, someday, this will be a distant memory that won't hurt as acutely as it does right now.

            I know that's probably not much of a comfort in this moment. But that kind of thinking helps me to navigate hard situations and maybe it might help you, too.

            Comment


            • Originally posted by oregondoll27 View Post
              My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years, we moved in together a couple of months ago and work together at the same job. I recently started noticing how friendly he's being with our fellow female coworkers. So much so that they've recently decided to all start meeting together and hanging out, this always involves alcohol and I am never invited. I tried not to be jealous or a buzz kill and didn't make a big fuss about my boyfriend going. However, I started getting suspicious about his relationship with one specific coworker (who I'll refer to as Raven), he always gave her rides and they had a lot of shifts together and it just didn't feel right in my gut so I asked around work and everyone said they didn't notice what I was noticing. I was starting to think I was crazy for making up this tension until I couldn't take it anymore and went through my boyfriend's phone and not only found videos of him doing sexual acts with Raven, but with most of my other female coworkers. I haven't talked to anyone about this and don't know how I should go about this. Any help?
              I'm so sorry you had to go through this. From the looks of it, you were trying to build a serious relationship with him, and it's not your fault at all that the guy turned out this way (maybe moving in was a blessing in disguise for you). As any sensible person would say to you, it is best that you leave him and move on. I know "moving on" comprises just two words, but it is the most challenging step one can take when in a relationship. One moment, you imagine a life with someone, and the next, you have to leave that person for good, and in your case, you deserve someone better, not a cheat.

              Comment


              • Well, Congratulations on getting away for a bit to clear your head. Great first step, and I hope you'll return and update again soon. I know it takes some time to really wrap your head around what's happening, and what the best things for yourself are. Just consider your steps in small increments - baby steps, one at a time, until you're feeling better.

                It seems to be a common theme with a cheating SO to be jealous, and accusatory. That was true in the situation with my ex that cheated many years ago, and I've heard it time and time again.

                Comment


                • Originally posted by atskitty2 View Post
                  Well, Congratulations on getting away for a bit to clear your head. Great first step, and I hope you'll return and update again soon. I know it takes some time to really wrap your head around what's happening, and what the best things for yourself are. Just consider your steps in small increments - baby steps, one at a time, until you're feeling better.

                  It seems to be a common theme with a cheating SO to be jealous, and accusatory. That was true in the situation with my ex that cheated many years ago, and I've heard it time and time again.
                  I truly appreciate your support, as far as an update goes, I've found a temporary place to live and a new place of work. I will be moving somewhere permanent at the start of September and have finally been able to end my relationship. It's been a hard process and I am currently seeing through it with a therapist as well!

                  Comment


                  • Originally posted by oregondoll27 View Post

                    I truly appreciate your support, as far as an update goes, I've found a temporary place to live and a new place of work. I will be moving somewhere permanent at the start of September and have finally been able to end my relationship. It's been a hard process and I am currently seeing through it with a therapist as well!
                    Thank you for the update. Best wishes for the future.
                    I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
                    ...
                    Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

                    From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

                    Comment

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