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antimarriage and kids

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  • antimarriage and kids

    I was wondering if anybody else can relate? Me and my boyfriend have been together for 2 years and do not desire marriage or kids. Growing up in a fundamentalist Christian environment, marriage and kids were pretty much mandatory. I’m Chinese, so culturally alone there was a lot of pressure to get married, hence I’m a proud rebel. I’ve never really believed in marriage, even when I was a Christian. I also feel like marriage would rob me of my individuality in a sense. My parents did more than enough of that when I was growing up. The piece of paper is basically a legally binding contract. The way I see it is that you’re now tied together and have essentially become each other’s property in the eyes of the law, whether or not it's what you want. I do not wanna become somebody’s property, and I certainly don’t care to change my last name.
    Thankfully most people are supportive and accepting when I tell them that me and my boyfriend don’t wanna get married, but unfortunately there are just as many people who will give me the be careful, what if something happens to you lecture, and then proceed to tell me their family members’ oh **** stories. First off, my “safety net” is nobody’s business but me and my boyfriend’s. I mean I’m sorry your family member was in that situation, but it had absolutely nothing to do with marital status and everything to do with not planning properly when they were alive. It seriously blows my mind that life partners are not considered family in the eyes of the law. I think the whole “next of kin” thing is stupid AF. Not everybody has or wants contact with their biological family, and there are people like myself who have no desire to join the marriage of institution (which I think is a scam BTW). You should not have to be married to visit your life partner in the hospital when they need you the most. I think there should be a universal law that gives life partners (and anybody else whom the individual considers family such as nonbiological godchildren) the same legal rights as biological relatives and married spouses.

  • Can you say it louder for the people in the back???

    I applaud your decision to go against the grain and the fact that you have a partner who also shares the same views is icing on the cake. I am in the same camp as you, although I'm more "indifferent" to the concept/idea of marriage. If it happens, cool BUT it's not something I've ever desired, hoped for or secretly hope will happen. I don't care enough, lol. But if it turned out that way, I would make the most of it but it's great to have the freedom to make that decision without interference of outside opinions or pressure from family. I broke my parents' hearts with that years ago so I got lucky.

    I've never wanted kids and my current partner also feels the same -- honestly, knowing that has me tempted to marry him so I can have someone officially who doesn't expect me to have children, lmao. But all jokes aside, you're definitely not alone. It's refreshing to have this conversation on a more open scale where you're not running into nearly as many people who would automatically poo poo your life decisions.

    I used to avoid the topic altogether because I didn't want to end up getting defensive over why I don't care about marriage and never want to have kids. Slowly but surely views on that are changing or at least bending a little, to where the best response to my saying what I've decided to do isn't met with, "WHY?" Instead, people tend to be like, "Oh, wow, okay, that's great you know what you want."

    I do agree that it's unfortunate that there are no legal protections/recognition for couples who aren't married when it comes to situations like the ones you mentioned. But it does get sticky when it comes to individual scenarios where there can't be a one-size-fits-all solution. Way too many variables for that. However, your mention of a universal law that applies for life partner situations where marriage isn't part of the equation is super intriguing nonetheless. I'm actually surprised something like that hasn't been put on the docket already at some level. I guess only time will tell.

    But I'm right there with ya. All due respect to my friends and family who are married...hell, I've been a Maid of Honor twice now...and I'm the favorite auntie who spoils everyone's kids but definitely not what I want out of my life.


    • on our second date, I told husband "I'm never getting married" & he said "never is a long time! however, when he asked me to marry, I said yes..... I ended up liking him a lot & changed my mind......


      • My wife was very anti-marriage when we first met and had to intentions of having kids. She came from a divorced family and that was a big influence on her. But, after seeing my mostly-normal family (my parents still alive and married 50+ years) she changed her tune. We have been married 25+ years and have 2 adult kids.

        I can see the other side of the coin too... My Aunt has been with the same man for 50+ years. Never got married, no desire for kids.

        Don't worry about what other people "think" regarding marriage and having kids. You and your partner own charting your own path in life.


        • In the event that me and my boyfriend broke up, I wouldn't go out of my way to look for a life partner. If one happened to come along that was worth sharing my life with, great, but if not, also great, because it's a lot to share your life with another person, and I can still get my sexual needs met and have my freedom.


          • Originally posted by victoriachan365 View Post
            have my freedom.
            this is true, when married one doesn't have freedom as the person who makes the most $ has the power
            for example, I've wanted to move out west for 20 yrs but husband won't consider it due to his job being here & wouldn't consider changing jobs....I've begged to move but no luck


            • Originally posted by amy40 View Post
              this is true, when married one doesn't have freedom as the person who makes the most $ has the power
              for example, I've wanted to move out west for 20 yrs but husband won't consider it due to his job being here & wouldn't consider changing jobs....I've begged to move but no luck
              There is more than 1000 miles between San Diego and Seattle and most of the west isn't along the coast. The coastal areas in California where there is nice weather are almost all expensive. If you wanted to move there, you would need to save up a lot of money to move, but you could after your husband retires. A lot of places inland are a lot less expensive, especially if you consider a state or two inland as west. Some coastal places, like in Oregon, don't seem as expensive, but you are less likely to have warm, sunny weather and swimming temperature ocean water.
              I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
              Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

              From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia


              • I'm 50 and have been married but had no kids. My bf is now 36, and he's never been married, doesn't want kids. So, we never plan to marry, but will likely make the move to living together in the next year or so. I think it's important to note that a lot of men are just as passionate about their individual choice not to marry or raise children as many of us women are. I know that's not specifically what your post is about, but it seems we sometimes overlook the guy in this particular instance.

                I haven't talked to many people about this particularly, but the few friends that I have mentioned it to seem to have trouble comprehending a life-long commitment without the official documentation of marriage. Maybe they're old-fashioned, but it is a cultural "normal" for many of us. The expectation of marriage and kids for couples that plan to spend their life together is a staple. I'm not against getting married again, I would consider it, but it isn't the goal in my relationship.


                • Originally posted by jns View Post
                  A lot of places inland are a lot less expensive, especially if you consider a state or two inland as west. .
                  to the mountains of CO is where I wanted to move
                  every time we vacationed there, I didn't want to leave!
                  we can't afford it now as homes skyrocketed there

                  the Dr who diagnosed fibromyalgia said to move out west & I'd feel better with less humidity
                  saw Dr in Oct & I qualify for medical marijuana which I'm going to get for pain


                  • to
                    victoriachan365, my first thought is that once you have explained your position to your family and friends, then you do not need to further justify your position. This is between you, your partner and no one else. No apologies necessary and if other people question you just reply "why would you need to know my reasons?" Then just drop the subject.
                    That which we forget may as well never really happened.



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