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dont knw what to do!!!!

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  • CHANDLERS WISH
    replied
    Well sweet, point that out? He has a job, settle down for 6 months and then decide from there...

    Leave a comment:


  • nubianqueen
    replied
    Yeah, i agree about the compromising thing....i just dont want to do another long distance thing again for the next several years. I want him to be happy, and at this point, one of us will be miserable until we can both come up with something that we can be satisfied with. This is just so hard.....I understand that he gave up being around his family and friends to come and be with me, but there were also no job opportunities for him in his hometown (due to the economy being so bad) which was another reason he had to move. I dont mind doing the same for him, its just that the timing is bad right now....

    Leave a comment:


  • CHANDLERS WISH
    replied
    It's a problem sweet, cause you both want to be together, you have his life but he feels that his life, is not there and that he needs his friends and family and then progress with work and school.

    How do you find a happy medium? I don't know hun..

    He wants you to go there to be with him so he can have the life he wants, you need to stay where you are because your life is there.

    He's resenting you not jealous of what you have, just resenting that he's giving it all up for you, make sense?

    We all have to compromise and I've got nothing on how you can do this that won't affect your job, your schooling....

    Long distance sounds again like the thing for now, and only for now... he needs to be happy to.

    As I said, somehow you both have to be equal in this, how? don't know unless you can compromise for like 6 months.

    What we want to hear is that "he will move heaven and earth to be with me, get a diff job if he's un-happy, go to school but stay for me"..

    What he wants to hear is that "you will move heaven and earth for him"... same..

    See the problem?

    CW

    Leave a comment:


  • nubianqueen
    replied
    I agree CW...I think that he does see me as being selfish cuz i wont up and leave right now or whenever he's asking me to...I know that he does feel lonely here (no friends or fam here but me) but i try to make him feel as comfortable as possible when I can. (i try to get him to go places with me on the weekends), but I feel like half the time he is not interested. yet he complains that he is so bored and lonely here. I understand that its not healthy to spend every waking minute with each other all day everyday, but I'm trying to help him out here.

    Leave a comment:


  • CHANDLERS WISH
    replied
    He's definately thinking of himself not you.. You have a job and school.. You have a reason why you have to stay, your not being selfish. He has a job that he hates, he wants to go to school but not where you live, he's actually fed up with where he is, he thinks it will be better to go back and do all of that.

    Is he missing his family/friends? Maybe? Is he therefore, viewing that your selfish?

    Why can't he better his job staying and start school there?

    Sounds to me, like he is missing mates and putting them above love.

    CW

    Leave a comment:


  • nubianqueen
    replied
    Originally posted by kms View Post
    Well, it certainly sounds like you have more of a legitimate reason for staying than he does for leaving. You have work and school, and he has...? To me it sounds like he's not being very fair - or logical. Relationships only work through compromise. If he's not happy for some external reason that has nothing to do with you, and is willingly to completely leave you and the relationship behind to satisfy himself... it sounds to me like his comfort is more important than you are.

    With this type of situation, I would normally ask if it was possible for you to transfer colleges and find a new job in the place he wants to live - but why would you go to all the trouble when he doesn't even have a legitimate reason for being in any particular place? No important, high salary job that is crucial to his career, no fantastic school that he has a scholarship to attend.... why should you dump all your accomplishments and dreams down the drain to follow a guy with no plan of his own?

    So... I think you're justified in staying and not following him. What does he think? Does he seem completely willing to do long-distance again? Or does he seem detached, noncommittal (like he just is done with this and ready to move on to something different)? I just wonder if you tell him how hard the long distance thing was for you how he would react. By blaming you or telling you it's your problem? Or by trying to actually compromise? I think the solution to your decision will be clear when you tell him how you're feeling and get his thoughts on the whole thing.
    Exactly what i was thinking!!!! I just wanted to see if anyone else out there sees things from the way i'm seeing them. Yes he does have a job right now(that he hates and wants to do something else), yes he is wants to go to school (hasnt applied anywhere yet, much less started any type of program). I just feel that he is being kinda selfish right now and resenting me for some reason cuz i always had the opportunity to do what i wanted to do and he didnt. I have a feeling that if I do tell him how I feel about doing the long distance thing, all he's gonna say is for me to pack up and move with him too or forget about the whole thing. But yeah ur right, I do need to sit down and talk to him and get his true thoughts and feelings about this. Even though I did a little of that before, and he sounded like he really didnt care....

    Leave a comment:


  • kms
    replied
    Well, it certainly sounds like you have more of a legitimate reason for staying than he does for leaving. You have work and school, and he has...? To me it sounds like he's not being very fair - or logical. Relationships only work through compromise. If he's not happy for some external reason that has nothing to do with you, and is willingly to completely leave you and the relationship behind to satisfy himself... it sounds to me like his comfort is more important than you are.

    With this type of situation, I would normally ask if it was possible for you to transfer colleges and find a new job in the place he wants to live - but why would you go to all the trouble when he doesn't even have a legitimate reason for being in any particular place? No important, high salary job that is crucial to his career, no fantastic school that he has a scholarship to attend.... why should you dump all your accomplishments and dreams down the drain to follow a guy with no plan of his own?

    So... I think you're justified in staying and not following him. What does he think? Does he seem completely willing to do long-distance again? Or does he seem detached, noncommittal (like he just is done with this and ready to move on to something different)? I just wonder if you tell him how hard the long distance thing was for you how he would react. By blaming you or telling you it's your problem? Or by trying to actually compromise? I think the solution to your decision will be clear when you tell him how you're feeling and get his thoughts on the whole thing.

    Leave a comment:


  • nubianqueen
    replied
    I have looked at options of me staying put vs leaving to be with him. Right now, I feel that it would be more beneficial if we both stayed here (for right now)....I have told him how I feel about him leaving; He feels that I NEVER want to leave, so therefore he has to........(i guess he feels some resentment toward me cuz he came here to be with me) I told him that's not true, it's just the timing of me up and leaving is not the best right now. I know that he does love me, it's just that........i don't know..........I feel that no matter what, both of us are going to be miserable. (ie: if he stays here for another year or 2 or if I drop everything im doing and follow him around while he figures out what he wants to do with himself). I've had no appetite for days now stressing about this situation here!!!

    Leave a comment:


  • CHANDLERS WISH
    replied
    How beautiful and strong, "really' is this relationship?

    Your questions, your answering with you can't due to previously being lonley, but you will be if you break up anyway, your job and school, which could possibly be deferred or transferred or another found.

    Do you both compromise? Sounds that he has made a decision and making you decide not both of you deciding.

    Have you looked at options if you were to leave?

    Has he looked at options further if he was to stay?

    Do you believe that he loves you to death honestly?

    CW

    Leave a comment:


  • nubianqueen
    started a topic dont knw what to do!!!!

    dont knw what to do!!!!

    i have been with my bf for about 4 yrs. 2out of those 4 were long distance. now that we are in the same city again, im as happy as can be that we can finally pick up from where we left off 2yrs ago and move on with our relationship. now he's talkin about going back to his hometown for one reason or another. (i guess he dislikes it so much here he'd find ANY reason to go back). i have a job and school commitment right now that is keeping me from from leaving/moving anytime soon. i feel like i CANNOT do the long distance thing again because i'm so tired of feeling like i'm alone!!! i dont knw what to do, should i give the long distance thing another try (eventhough i was miserable doing it before) or call it quits (since moving is not an option for me right now)
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