I feel so alone!

[Drama28]

I really hope someone can help me! I feel so alone and don't know what to do. Here is the problem...I am almost 28 and have been seeing a man who is 51 for the last 3 years. He has been married for almost 30 years to someone else. Things were great until the other night. He finally told her the truth on Sun. night and called me on Mon. morning saying she was up all night crying and he can never see me again. We have had a wonderful relationship and have a beautiful 15 month-old daughter. He had just told me 2 days prior to this (while spending the night in my bed holding me),that he wanted to be with us and he would never do anything to hurt us and he wouldn't leave us. I am so upset, mad, and confused. I know I got myself into this, but his relationship with her had not been good for many years before I came into the picture. She doesn't like to be seen out in public with him, she makes fun of him, and shows no respect for him at all. His children with her are grown and I understand feeling guilty, but he said he is in love with me and his heart belongs to me, you can't just turn those feelings off! I am trying to wait patiently to let things settle down at his house, but I am so scared of what the future holds and what to do! I know this is a long post but I really need advice! Thanks!

[kaylar]

The Other Woman


Drama28 what you are experiencing is the 'text book' end
of a relationship.

An older married guy gets involved with a young woman.
He has ABSOLUTELY NO INTENTION OF LEAVING HIS WIFE
EVER.
But he won't say anything like that.
He'll talk about how his marriage has been on the rocks
for years, how he stopped loving his wife long ago, how
they only stayed together for the children, the house,
the dog, because she's a mental case---yada yada boom.

The Other Woman believes everything he says.
Does everything he wants her to do.
And tells her how much he loves her.

In truth, she's nothing to him except a screw.
And she will be discarded when;
a) he finds someone younger/prettier
b) his wife finds out about her

He will only 'come back' to you if;
a) the younger prettier woman dumps him (or being
intelligent, runs him like the cur he is)
b) his wife is either i) lulled into a sense of security
ii) gets involved in activities which
take her out of the house and
give him free time
iii) his new girl friend won't do
the things you do, so he'll
use you when he wants them.

I can fill this post with real stories, (among other things
I do divorces) where the 'Other Woman', finds out that;
a) his 'basket case wife' is actually a vibrant business
leader and is so busy that he feels neglected and tells
his gal of the minute lies
b) not only will he never leave his wife,but if she goes
near his wife he will put her in a hospital.

Take this as a lesson to never be the other woman.
You will only hear lies, pure lies.

Your 'lover' has lied to you from day one, never loved
you, never will love you, and will not leave his wife.

[tinkerbell930]

I have to agree with Kaylar...IF his marriage was as bad as he has told you for the last 3 years, he would have left a LONG time ago. He has been living his other life with his wife the same way he always has. It may be a "comfortable" marriage that neither of them put a lot of effort into, but I am sure his wife never imagined it was so bad he would have an affair. If he calls you, put YOUR foot down and tell him you don't want to see him. If he is willing to help support your child, great, if he isn't, don't force him to, he will only resent you for it and your daughter. Move on with your life. Hard lesson learned. You can and will get over him though.

[kaylar]

Two pathetic cases I must share:

Many years ago, I was having a conversation
one evening with two friends. One lived across
the road, the other was the son of Mr. Smith
via a previous relationship.

'Y', a very pumped up Other Woman, is marching to
the Gate of Mr. & Mrs. Smith.

We see this 'idiot' jumping out of a cab, flinging
open the Gate, and Big Son shouts, excuse me?
She tosses some feisty remark as she goes up the
walk, when the dogs race at her.

The Big Son of Mr. Smith grabs her, saying something
like, "Hey Gal, if you don't get out of my yard, I'll box
you down and call the police."

There is pure barking, and she's acting like she was just
released from a mental institution, screaming out the
name of her beloved.

"What you calling my father for, Gal?" the big son
asks.

Well, she never knew he had a son her age.
In fact, she never knew anything near the
truth, but was so certain of her 'facts' she was
confronting us with them.

We start cracking up. We couldn't help it.
Everything out of her mouth was ridiculous.

From who owned what to who did what....pure
fantasy.

But she was so pumped with lies it took about
thirty minutes for her to realise it.

BTW Mr. & Mrs weren't home, they'd gone to
some function.

Subsequently, of course, Mr. Smith denied
ever having an affair with Y and claimed she
was a mad gal, but we weren't buying it, the
wife didn't buy it, and threw him out...(it was
her house)...

It was so funny to see this stupid woman yammering
about Mr. Smith, not one piece of truth in the story.

She was so stupid she had believed every lie he
had told her; no room in her mind for the possibility
he was lying.

BTW, it was Y's fault that Mrs. Smith threw him
out and he hated Y after that, cursing her, only
prevented from doing her physical damage by
others.

Y was just too stupid to live.

[kaylar]

case two


Mr. C, (who can't keep his willy one place) had been
forced to split his company between his wife and
two big sons, so that he only owned 1/4th and received
a small salary.

This was to prevent him giving away his children's
'legacy' to Doris Openleg.

Hottygal starts this affair with him.

He's giving her the usual, 'me and my wife live separate
lives', and tells her how much he 'loves' her.

The relationship goes on for a while, she even has
a baby for him, and then he tells her something about
having to go away on 'business' for two weeks.

Just before he leaves on 'business' she finds out that
he's actually going on a cruise with his wife. As usual.

Hotty makes a fuss, he tosses her out of the flat
he'd put her in, handles her like dirt, and there she
is, with no money, a hungry baby, and he's on a
Cruise ship with his wife.

[Drama28]

Does everyone just think I'm stupid?

I just don't understand. I can get what you are saying, but why does that always have to be the case? Can't there be exceptions to the rule? I know that he hasn't just lied to me about everything. I have met his family and seen where he lives, works, ect. I know where she works, their b-days, hell, he even took me to another state a few years ago to meet his brother(his only living relative-other than his immediate fam.) We talk about everthing and the only thing that I doubt now is if he really loves me enough to stay with me. I know that you prob. just think I am in denial and that I should just get over it and move on; but I just don't think that is the case...at least not yet. I deserve more of an explaination and I will not take no for an answer. He is a caring person and even is there for his grand-kids so I really don't think he would leave his own daughter out in the cold! I just need to think good thoughts at least until I hear more. I can't think horrible thoughts or I won't be able to make it, I am already going crazy! Thanks for the help, but please somebody tell me I am not all wrong! I need any words of encouragment that I can get! Thanks again!

[tinkerbell930]

My heart aches for you. I think the only thing you can do is see what he decides from here. I would tell you not to wait forever. He probably is a caring man and DOES care for you and his daughter. It is the extent of what he is willing to do to keep you in his life. You have ALLOWED him to stay married and not make any more of a commitment with you, so the status quo has changed now that his wife knows. She may not even want him per say, just won't want you to have him. There is a reason they have been married for such a long time though....so many different things are happening right now in all of your lives. A lot of men like the idea of having more than one woman in their lives, each compliments a certain part of who he is....it is not right, but that is what they do. I would seek some counseling if I were you....if you don't attend church, go, look to God. He works miracles in people. Adultery is a sin, but God is also forgiving if you ask for it. I do feel your hurt and frustration and your absolute desire for the best outcome for you and your daughter, and trust me, no matter what happens with this man, you and your daughter will have a good life as long as you leave it in God's hands. Just say a prayer to him, "God, I do not know what will happen with this, but please lead me where I need to be for myself and daughter."....even if you are not deeply religious (it may sound like I am, but it is more a knowing how He has helped in my troubled times, and I HAVE HAD PLENTY of those.) Like you said before, see what he tells you and know that action ALWAYS SPEAKS LOUDER THAN WORDS! If he says he will leave her, then he has to leave her immediately, not in 3 months or 6 months or never....it cannot continue the same way anymore.

[Drama28]

Thank you!

I really appreciate that post! It was very nice. Yes, I do think he is a caring man and hopefully will come around at least for our daughter's sake. I have been in counseling for the past like 6 years, although I haven't found a new therapist since mine retired in Dec. of last year because she had cancer. I need to find one that won't just judge my situation because I have seen those types before and it isn't helpful at all. Yes, I do belive in God even though I don't have a church that I attend. I do trust in God and that I will make it through it, but it is hard for me to believe that even though it is a "sin" that God would have allowed us to fall in love and create an innocent child if it wasn't meant to be. I know we all have "free will", but I don't think that my being with him was and "accident or mistake" I really thought we were meant for each other, we have always felt a deeper connection, like we had always known each other, ya know? I just hope that he doesn't feed into the "guilt" of being a "sinner" for this because guilt does not solve anything and it doesn't make it go away either! We have been here for 3 years and I refuse to just disapear like I'm sure his family is hoping for. I just hope and pray he told her the whole truth about being in love and having a baby, although at this point I am not thinking he did, at least not yet. I'm sure he didn't want to "kill" her with it all at once, even though that would have been easier I think. Like you said, only time will tell, and his actions will speak louder than words. I hope his actions and words happen sooner vs. later and are nicer than the 2.5 seconds on the phone on Mon. because that was devastating. Please say a prayer for me I need all of them I can get!

[momoffive]

been there

I met john 9 years ago. He was married when we met, and he had children. He had told me that he was no longer in love with his wife and was just staying with her for the kids. When she found out about me she moved out and left the kids for him to take care of. This year we'll be married for eight years and have a big family. I have been taking care of his kids like they were my own and we now have two beautiful kids together. My family always told me it wasn't going to work, but we've shown them otherwise. We've have our ups and downs and some times were tough but we stuck by each other.

[tinkerbell930]

I will say lots of prayers for you and your little girl. I am sure this man is under a lot of pressure from everyone. He will have a lot of mental battles to deal with. I would bet he will be short with you for a little while until he really figures out what he needs. A good counselor shouldn't judge you at all. It sounds like you are so alone on all this. Where are your friends and family? I agree with you about the whole sin thing...I didn't mean to sound harsh on that. I only meant to say that even out of something bad or "sinful" good can come of it. I met my now husband when I was married to my ex and fell in love. I did end it with my husband of 13 years because I KNEW in my heart that this man I just met was for me. We have been together for 2 1/2 years and my ex has moved on and things are good. It CAN happen. I do believe in true love and all the stars and romance and I do hope this man follows his heart to you and your daughter. Just know the road ahead will be bumpy! And momof5 was sure inspirational....everyone's stories and lives are so different all you can do is do what feels right and when you can't take it anymore...ya know? I just want you to know that nobody can judge you and your feelings without walking a mile in YOUR shoes. Put a smile on your face and kiss your baby girl! God will step in when you least expect it!