Am I with the wrong guy....or is it me?

[Claret]

Hi I hope that I have found a supportive community because I have never requested advice from strangers like this before, but I was just upset and overwhelmed when I originally posted this thread. I was upset with my situation and my natural inclination probably was to try to pass some blame along to my boyfriend. So I am sure that this came across in my original post. I think that is why everyone wanted to make sure to point out my responsibility, and not put all of the blame on my boyfriend. He treats me well as far as he does not abuse me in any way, and he is attentive to me. But he is not what I am used to in a man. I am just used to the intellectual type and he is the street type. But he is super social, and gets along well with everyone. He, did not graduate high school, does not want to return to school and cannot really relate to my educational goals. He is super street savvy, has a huge supportive family.

I have been unsuccessfully trying to change him into a politically correct, intellectual type for the past year. He is so affectionate and attentive and I need that right now. I realize though that it is futile to try to change him. He wants to control his drinking but other than that he is happy with himself and his lifestyle.

Define abuse. It comes in many forms.

[calibri~]

Do you accept him the way he is, drinking and all? are you content to live this way for years together? You cannot force someone to change for you, you can't mold them into what you think is politically correct, but when you love someone and understand their needs, you will bend yourself a little so that the other can be happier, in the hope that they do the same for you. I am slightly worried that you have been trying to change him into someone who he is not, and has no intention of becoming. Perhaps it is just because that is the kind of person you expected to be with, or that others expect, but if hes perfectly happy and coasting along with you taking care of everything, then he will see no reason to change. If you need your partner to be intellectual and PC then you need to part because he will never be what you want him to be, and that's not fair on either of you. If you just need him to be himself, as he already is...then you have a chance.

[Janessa Sanders]

Its' true that you owned up for what had been mishandled, perhaps my initial comments were unnecessary. The only person ho can tell you if your relatinship is worth salvaging is YOU. I hope that you don't feel that people here are just pointing out the worst in you...there is a very supportive community here but if you only give part of the story it is difficult to make appropriate comments.
Ok so his good points are: He is affectionate, he seems to love you and give you time and attention.
his downfalls incude: acts and thinks selfishly, he is an alcoholic, he is not able to hold down a job.

From this I am confused as to whether, in your opinion, he treats you well becasue in an earlier post you said you were upset becasue you dont think that he takes care of you. If you feel that he is on average, not treating you well, then is affection really a good enough reason to keep him in your life?

The other things that you mentioned are in my mind, not reasons to love someone: ..because you find it difficult to keep friends is not a reason to stay together, and you say you don't want to be hurt by someone elses words or actions but if your boyfriend is not hurting you at the moment, the why are you here? May I ask why you moved away from your family? You are now in an isolated position where you probably feel a bit trapped because you have no-one else to socially rely on, and as you don't want to be alone and dont think youa re good at making and keeping acquaintances then I can see how you have stayed with him despite the problems, love or no love. You need to decide if he is giving enough to the relationship for you to keep financially bailing him out etc, and whether he is capable and / or willing to make changes so that he can offer you what you need from him.
clear your mind.
make a list of all the important things that you would look for in a happy relationship.
then see how many of those things he and your current relationship fulfills.

Hi I hope that I have found a supportive community because I have never requested advice from strangers like this before, but I was just upset and overwhelmed when I originally posted this thread. I was upset with my situation and my natural inclination probably was to try to pass some blame along to my boyfriend. So I am sure that this came across in my original post. I think that is why everyone wanted to make sure to point out my responsibility, and not put all of the blame on my boyfriend. He treats me well as far as he does not abuse me in any way, and he is attentive to me. But he is not what I am used to in a man. I am just used to the intellectual type and he is the street type. But he is super social, and gets along well with everyone. He, did not graduate high school, does not want to return to school and cannot really relate to my educational goals. He is super street savvy, has a huge supportive family.

I have been unsuccessfully trying to change him into a politically correct, intellectual type for the past year. He is so affectionate and attentive and I need that right now. I realize though that it is futile to try to change him. He wants to control his drinking but other than that he is happy with himself and his lifestyle.

[calibri~]

Its' true that you owned up for what had been mishandled, perhaps my initial comments were unnecessary. The only person ho can tell you if your relatinship is worth salvaging is YOU. I hope that you don't feel that people here are just pointing out the worst in you...there is a very supportive community here but if you only give part of the story it is difficult to make appropriate comments.
Ok so his good points are: He is affectionate, he seems to love you and give you time and attention.
his downfalls incude: acts and thinks selfishly, he is an alcoholic, he is not able to hold down a job.

From this I am confused as to whether, in your opinion, he treats you well becasue in an earlier post you said you were upset becasue you dont think that he takes care of you. If you feel that he is on average, not treating you well, then is affection really a good enough reason to keep him in your life?

The other things that you mentioned are in my mind, not reasons to love someone: ..because you find it difficult to keep friends is not a reason to stay together, and you say you don't want to be hurt by someone elses words or actions but if your boyfriend is not hurting you at the moment, the why are you here? May I ask why you moved away from your family? You are now in an isolated position where you probably feel a bit trapped because you have no-one else to socially rely on, and as you don't want to be alone and dont think youa re good at making and keeping acquaintances then I can see how you have stayed with him despite the problems, love or no love. You need to decide if he is giving enough to the relationship for you to keep financially bailing him out etc, and whether he is capable and / or willing to make changes so that he can offer you what you need from him.
clear your mind.
make a list of all the important things that you would look for in a happy relationship.
then see how many of those things he and your current relationship fulfills.

[Claret]

When I was in my horrible first marriage, I did see a marriage counsellor (one time) and at her suggestion I went to an al-anon meeting. The one thing that sticks in my mind, was the marriage counsellor asked me one question and that was "what did I want out of life". My reply was "peace" in my life. After I said that they said perhaps I could find the peace I needed by attending the Al Anon sessions. When I went to the Al Anon session the driving mantra was that they could teach me how to live with an alcoholic.

After I thought about this for a while my thought pattern was: "Was I going to find peace living with an alcoholic? Did I want to learn to live with an Alcohol? and finally did I want to learn coping skills so that Me and my children could live with an alcoholic?

When I put it to myself in such a succinct series of questions, I realized that all the change was on my shoulders. My reply to myself was "I didn't want to live with an alcoholic, I didn't need to learn coping skills that I'd teach to my children and that I'd never find the peace I desired by staying in the relationship.

You may have to strike out on your own in order to find the life and the peace in your life and to be normal once again.

[Janessa Sanders]

Sorry to hear about your child, that answers the question about why you might not have had your priorities and life in order. Please do not confuse being asked to take responsibility with being blamed. The brief picture of this guy that you have painted is pretty bleak..what do you love about him?

Thank you for your condolences. I felt that I took responsibility, that is why I included my own errors in my posting. I honestly just wanted to know if this relationship was worth salvaging. I realize that it is hard to get advice from strangers, because they often just point out the worst in you. But anyway that leads me to why I love him. I love him because I am a reclusive type of person and I do not retain friendships easily because honestly, I do not want to be hurt by another person's words or actions. I can't take all of the backstabbing that occurs when socializing with other people. Also I moved away from all of my family about a decade ago, with my now ex-husband. So I am now alone, other than my boyfriend and my two remaining children. My boyfriend is very affectionate towards me. He spends a lot of time with me and seems to genuinely love me. That is what I am looking for. His problems though are that he is an alcoholic who right now can not keep a job or contribute financially. But honestly, he held his previous job at the school district for 14 years, so I know he is capable of holding down work. Its just that his ex wife could not let go of him, and knowing of his drinking problem, kept calling his job to tell them that he is drunk at work. Well, he's an alcoholic, so if they test him often enough, they will find alcohol, and that is what happened. I love him, I do not want to be all alone, but I want peace and I want life to be normal again.

[jen1447]

Just in terms of practical considerations, it seems to me that this is the current scenario -

- Your driver's license is expired.
- His driver's license may or may not be suspended. (Did it get suspended for being caught driving the unregistered car, or did he just get tickets? Usually there's some consequence.)
- Your car's registration is expired and it's in impound, accruing fees each day. (The police don't store cars indefinitely, and not for free.)
- His car's registration is expired, and the repo man is looking for it.

All this means that you and possibly him aren't fit (legally) to operate the cars, and that neither car is street legal (with the one in impound). That means you shouldn't be using them at all.

I'd suggest you prioritize like so -

- Renew your driver's license so you can get your car out of impound and drive lawfully.
- Get the impounded car out asap, because that's costing you the most each day. (You should actually be able to prove your identity with something other than a driver's license, so if at all possible, do this first.)
- Get your car's registration up to date so it's street legal. Your BF got caught operating it, not you, so your record should be clean.
- Now you can drive yourself to and from work.
- Let the BF worry about his own car's registration, his driver's license (if suspended - he'll likely not be able to renew for a set period or until fines are paid if so), the repo man, and how he gets to work. If he insists on driving an unregistered car around (on a potentially suspended license), have nothing to do with that.
- Optional - get a new BF. He sounds like an anchor. You're doing things to get ahead and he's slowing you down.

Good luck.

[effy2014]

I too am sorry for your loss. In my view, it magnifies the problems with your BF. If you can't count in him to carry most if the load when you are grieving, then he really is the wrong man in your life.

[Janessa Sanders]

I'm sorry for the loss you're suffering. How long ago did your son pass away?
It's a good idea to share such details when soliciting advice of strangers, so we have a fuller scope.

I think my thoughts still ring true tho'. I think if you're depressed you need less drama and need to take back control of your life and those allowed to share your life, to make sure they're positive influences.

Seeking some grief counseling is a good idea too. Best of luck dear.

Thank you. I left the issues surrounding my son out because it is something that I do not like to think about, and I wanted to keep this thread focused on the less traumatic dilemma of my relationship problems. But I understand when you say that it gives a better perspective of my state of mind.

[calibri~]

Sorry to hear about your child, that answers the question about why you might not have had your priorities and life in order. Please do not confuse being asked to take responsibility with being blamed. The brief picture of this guy that you have painted is pretty bleak..what do you love about him?