Am I with the wrong guy....or is it me?

[Janessa Sanders]

Sorry to hear about your child, that answers the question about why you might not have had your priorities and life in order. Please do not confuse being asked to take responsibility with being blamed. The brief picture of this guy that you have painted is pretty bleak..what do you love about him?

Thank you for your condolences. I felt that I took responsibility, that is why I included my own errors in my posting. I honestly just wanted to know if this relationship was worth salvaging. I realize that it is hard to get advice from strangers, because they often just point out the worst in you. But anyway that leads me to why I love him. I love him because I am a reclusive type of person and I do not retain friendships easily because honestly, I do not want to be hurt by another person's words or actions. I can't take all of the backstabbing that occurs when socializing with other people. Also I moved away from all of my family about a decade ago, with my now ex-husband. So I am now alone, other than my boyfriend and my two remaining children. My boyfriend is very affectionate towards me. He spends a lot of time with me and seems to genuinely love me. That is what I am looking for. His problems though are that he is an alcoholic who right now can not keep a job or contribute financially. But honestly, he held his previous job at the school district for 14 years, so I know he is capable of holding down work. Its just that his ex wife could not let go of him, and knowing of his drinking problem, kept calling his job to tell them that he is drunk at work. Well, he's an alcoholic, so if they test him often enough, they will find alcohol, and that is what happened. I love him, I do not want to be all alone, but I want peace and I want life to be normal again.

[jen1447]

Just in terms of practical considerations, it seems to me that this is the current scenario -

- Your driver's license is expired.
- His driver's license may or may not be suspended. (Did it get suspended for being caught driving the unregistered car, or did he just get tickets? Usually there's some consequence.)
- Your car's registration is expired and it's in impound, accruing fees each day. (The police don't store cars indefinitely, and not for free.)
- His car's registration is expired, and the repo man is looking for it.

All this means that you and possibly him aren't fit (legally) to operate the cars, and that neither car is street legal (with the one in impound). That means you shouldn't be using them at all.

I'd suggest you prioritize like so -

- Renew your driver's license so you can get your car out of impound and drive lawfully.
- Get the impounded car out asap, because that's costing you the most each day. (You should actually be able to prove your identity with something other than a driver's license, so if at all possible, do this first.)
- Get your car's registration up to date so it's street legal. Your BF got caught operating it, not you, so your record should be clean.
- Now you can drive yourself to and from work.
- Let the BF worry about his own car's registration, his driver's license (if suspended - he'll likely not be able to renew for a set period or until fines are paid if so), the repo man, and how he gets to work. If he insists on driving an unregistered car around (on a potentially suspended license), have nothing to do with that.
- Optional - get a new BF. He sounds like an anchor. You're doing things to get ahead and he's slowing you down.

Good luck.

[effy2014]

I too am sorry for your loss. In my view, it magnifies the problems with your BF. If you can't count in him to carry most if the load when you are grieving, then he really is the wrong man in your life.

[Janessa Sanders]

I'm sorry for the loss you're suffering. How long ago did your son pass away?
It's a good idea to share such details when soliciting advice of strangers, so we have a fuller scope.

I think my thoughts still ring true tho'. I think if you're depressed you need less drama and need to take back control of your life and those allowed to share your life, to make sure they're positive influences.

Seeking some grief counseling is a good idea too. Best of luck dear.

Thank you. I left the issues surrounding my son out because it is something that I do not like to think about, and I wanted to keep this thread focused on the less traumatic dilemma of my relationship problems. But I understand when you say that it gives a better perspective of my state of mind.

[calibri~]

Sorry to hear about your child, that answers the question about why you might not have had your priorities and life in order. Please do not confuse being asked to take responsibility with being blamed. The brief picture of this guy that you have painted is pretty bleak..what do you love about him?

[Motorguy]

Thank you for responding, the only thing I will say is that I realize that it is hard to comment when you do not know me as an individual. It is easy to pass judgment. I already mentioned that I made a mistake, but I will not describe myself an irresponsible person unworthy of the love of a good guy, just because I did not handle this important business. Lets keep this in perspective. This had been a difficult time for me as I have been grieving a loss of my son, so yes, I was a bit depressed as well and did not feel like dealing with the DMV.

I have to agree with Kitty, on this none of us knew about the passing of your son. That could be the issue of forgetting about your DMV issues along with others things. My self I feel for you in your lost, and to say have you seek some kind of therapy to deal with these issue you are going through now.

[atskitty2]

I'm sorry for the loss you're suffering. How long ago did your son pass away?
It's a good idea to share such details when soliciting advice of strangers, so we have a fuller scope.

I think my thoughts still ring true tho'. I think if you're depressed you need less drama and need to take back control of your life and those allowed to share your life, to make sure they're positive influences.

Seeking some grief counseling is a good idea too. Best of luck dear.

[jns]

You are both being extremely irresponsible and probably blaming one another for your troubles.

This^^.

[Motorguy]

Well Janessa you both are wrong completely irresponsible you both adults not young adults starting off in your life's together. This guy will never change he will continue to do all these stupid stuff driving while drinking loosing his job over it after being warned. Knowing you will find a way to make it all better and go away so he can keep walking blind through life.My feeling is get away from this guy start your life off fresh without this weight around dragging you down more in to a drain.All I see Janessa is misery for you if you continue on in this relationship till he bankrupts you in the process then what.

[Janessa Sanders]

You ask if you're with the wrong guy, and that is, a loaded question as they say. Or is it you, which is again a very complicated question. You seem to at least have an idea that you're both being irresponsible & childish in your handling of personal affairs. I won't elaborate on that, but give some general, overall thoughts:

What pops into mind as I finished reading your post is, don't expect others to do for you, what you won't do for yourself.
And, Be the kind of person you want to be with.
I'm not meaning to be snarky, but you can't expect this person to take care of you, if you're not willing to take care of you. If you want a responsible, steadfast, trustworthy man, then begin leading your own life in that way.
And for what it's worth, again, not snarky, but a really good guy, wouldn't settle for your irresponsible, thoughtless behavior either. So that's why I say, BE that person you want to attract. If you're better, better will come to you, and that goes for relationships & just about everything in life.

Thank you for responding, the only thing I will say is that I realize that it is hard to comment when you do not know me as an individual. It is easy to pass judgment. I already mentioned that I made a mistake, but I will not describe myself an irresponsible person unworthy of the love of a good guy, just because I did not handle this important business. Lets keep this in perspective. This had been a difficult time for me as I have been grieving a loss of my son, so yes, I was a bit depressed as well and did not feel like dealing with the DMV.

[Janessa Sanders]

Janessa:

Let me answer your question without assessing blame. If you are looking for a man to take care of you or even contribute substantially to you financially, you clearly have the wrong man. He has not shown himself to be at all responsible either with money or his job -- drinking on the job and getting fired after a stern warning. Hoping that he will is simply not reality.

Thank you for answering my questions without all the blame. This is a learning experience, I have got to manage my personal business better. I also have to figure out what I am really looking for in a man.

[atskitty2]

You ask if you're with the wrong guy, and that is, a loaded question as they say. Or is it you, which is again a very complicated question. You seem to at least have an idea that you're both being irresponsible & childish in your handling of personal affairs. I won't elaborate on that, but give some general, overall thoughts:

What pops into mind as I finished reading your post is, don't expect others to do for you, what you won't do for yourself.
And, Be the kind of person you want to be with.
I'm not meaning to be snarky, but you can't expect this person to take care of you, if you're not willing to take care of you. If you want a responsible, steadfast, trustworthy man, then begin leading your own life in that way.
And for what it's worth, again, not snarky, but a really good guy, wouldn't settle for your irresponsible, thoughtless behavior either. So that's why I say, BE that person you want to attract. If you're better, better will come to you, and that goes for relationships & just about everything in life.

[Claret]

I too am not ascribing blame to either one. I think it just a bad combination and until they figure out who is responsible for what and who is accountable and for what, how do they go about fixing it?

[effy2014]

Janessa:

Let me answer your question without assessing blame. If you are looking for a man to take care of you or even contribute substantially to you financially, you clearly have the wrong man. He has not shown himself to be at all responsible either with money or his job -- drinking on the job and getting fired after a stern warning. Hoping that he will is simply not reality.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

He went bankrupt to ensure he didn't have to pay anything to his wife, I assume. Does he have children?

In one year, he's taken over your car, won't pay for anything, I'm sure you "hoped" that you wouldn't be pulled over and would organise the license for the car before being caught but you already know that was irresponsible and he is irresponsible as well.

Sounds as if you are saying, " I own my car, I keep working and I study and I paid for the move". "He went bankrupt, uses my car, I have to find my own way to places, never helped me, gets drunk, loses his jobs, takes on jobs and uses me, via my car, never pays for anything oh and did I say he was bankrupt? "

So what are you asking?

That you were irresponsible and we need to look past that.

Are you with a loser who is just tagging along, using you, will never be responsible and is he creating debts for you because you are trying to buy his love without realising or realising and not being responsible just like him so should you stay with him? Will he change? Will he support me?

No.

I don't believe that he will.

You need to always look after yourself, no one is going to do it for you.. And, after that what you choose to do with your money is up to you. If the other person never contributes and takes and takes, well I know exactly what that would tell me.