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Am I with the wrong guy....or is it me?

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  • lollygag
    replied
    Originally posted by Janessa Sanders View Post
    Excellent advice, Thank you!
    Happy to be of help I hope things work out!

    Leave a comment:


  • atskitty2
    replied
    Janessa, most of us here aren't really judgmental but we are honest and call it how we see it. We'll be happy to continue supporting you as you progress, if you choose to stick around!

    Leave a comment:


  • Janessa Sanders
    replied
    Originally posted by Euphoric View Post
    If you feel compelled to ask if your SO is wrong for you, then chances are the answer is yes. Otherwise, you wouldn't be questioning the viability of your relationship. Staying with a person because you fear being alone is not the answer and you'll definitely miss out on Mr. Right if you're afraid to take that leap.

    Taking a break is excellent advice. Space and distance offers both of you the opportunity to re-evaluate where you're at and where you want to be in the future. Getting away from the day to day conundrums will help you assess your life and gives you clarity.
    Thank you! I have decided to end my relationship at this time so that I can take some control and allow God to help me through such difficult circumstances. I truly needed this sound advice. I was initially discouraged by some of the negative moral judgements that I received at the beginning of this posting, but I feel better hearing a more positive perspective. Thanks again!

    Leave a comment:


  • Euphoric
    replied
    If you feel compelled to ask if your SO is wrong for you, then chances are the answer is yes. Otherwise, you wouldn't be questioning the viability of your relationship. Staying with a person because you fear being alone is not the answer and you'll definitely miss out on Mr. Right if you're afraid to take that leap.

    Taking a break is excellent advice. Space and distance offers both of you the opportunity to re-evaluate where you're at and where you want to be in the future. Getting away from the day to day conundrums will help you assess your life and gives you clarity.

    Leave a comment:


  • Janessa Sanders
    replied
    Originally posted by bsand94 View Post
    Maybe you guys should take some time apart to get both of your situations worked out. Its hard to take care of another person when you cant take care of yourself. Its not necessarily that you guys don't belong together but you two need to both organize your lives.
    Excellent advice, Thank you!

    Leave a comment:


  • lollygag
    replied
    Maybe you guys should take some time apart to get both of your situations worked out. Its hard to take care of another person when you cant take care of yourself. Its not necessarily that you guys don't belong together but you two need to both organize your lives.

    Leave a comment:


  • Janessa Sanders
    replied
    Originally posted by effy2014 View Post
    I am not sure what response will be relevant to you. No one but you can answer your question.

    You need to prioritize was is truly important to you and decide if your boyfriend can provide it to you. On one side, you value being taken care of. Someone who will anticipate your needs and take care of the ones that are difficult for you. You value someone who can add to the family finances and who is more intellectual. You want a peaceful home that is not full of drama. You will find none of those with your current BF.


    On the other side, you appear to like a bit of drama in your life. Opposites often attract, albeit for the wrong reasons. You want the extrovert in him to compensate for the introvert in you. He has family, which you have run away from. He is more attentive than the other "more stable" men that have been in your life. He appears not to intrude on the decision making in your own life, which you view as both a plus and a minus. And you may like the co-dependency that often comes from being with an alcoholic.

    Rank order what you need and want. Decide which ones he meets and which ones he can't satisfy. If you are honest with yourself, the answer will be on the paper.
    Honestly, all of the advice has been relevant so thank you. I just wanted to clear up that I did not run away from my family. I moved away because of reasons involved in my previous marriage. I was not running from my family. I just did not move back once I divorced my ex husband. Another point worth mentioning is that I absolutely do not like a bit of drama. I like things calm. Thanks for the advice , (to all who replied to my posting).

    Leave a comment:


  • effy2014
    replied
    I am not sure what response will be relevant to you. No one but you can answer your question.

    You need to prioritize was is truly important to you and decide if your boyfriend can provide it to you. On one side, you value being taken care of. Someone who will anticipate your needs and take care of the ones that are difficult for you. You value someone who can add to the family finances and who is more intellectual. You want a peaceful home that is not full of drama. You will find none of those with your current BF.

    On the other side, you appear to like a bit of drama in your life. Opposites often attract, albeit for the wrong reasons. You want the extrovert in him to compensate for the introvert in you. He has family, which you have run away from. He is more attentive than the other "more stable" men that have been in your life. He appears not to intrude on the decision making in your own life, which you view as both a plus and a minus. And you may like the co-dependency that often comes from being with an alcoholic.

    Rank order what you need and want. Decide which ones he meets and which ones he can't satisfy. If you are honest with yourself, the answer will be on the paper.

    Leave a comment:


  • Janessa Sanders
    replied
    Originally posted by calibri~ View Post
    Do you accept him the way he is, drinking and all? are you content to live this way for years together? You cannot force someone to change for you, you can't mold them into what you think is politically correct, but when you love someone and understand their needs, you will bend yourself a little so that the other can be happier, in the hope that they do the same for you. I am slightly worried that you have been trying to change him into someone who he is not, and has no intention of becoming. Perhaps it is just because that is the kind of person you expected to be with, or that others expect, but if hes perfectly happy and coasting along with you taking care of everything, then he will see no reason to change. If you need your partner to be intellectual and PC then you need to part because he will never be what you want him to be, and that's not fair on either of you. If you just need him to be himself, as he already is...then you have a chance.
    I agree, I cannot change him, I should not have even tried. I am just speaking honestly so that I can get relevant responses. I was used to a certain type of man. As a matter of fact, when I first met him I was totally turned off by him, but over time I was won over by his attentiveness. He can be embarrassing though because he is very loud and lets things come out of his mouth that are better left unsaid. Those are the things that I have been trying to change. He was raised in a different type of culture than I was. Less reserved and more free spirited.

    Leave a comment:


  • Janessa Sanders
    replied
    Originally posted by Claret View Post
    Define abuse. It comes in many forms.
    physical, mental, sexual
    My boyfriend does NOT abuse me. That is not what this is about.

    Leave a comment:


  • Claret
    replied
    Originally posted by Janessa Sanders View Post
    Hi I hope that I have found a supportive community because I have never requested advice from strangers like this before, but I was just upset and overwhelmed when I originally posted this thread. I was upset with my situation and my natural inclination probably was to try to pass some blame along to my boyfriend. So I am sure that this came across in my original post. I think that is why everyone wanted to make sure to point out my responsibility, and not put all of the blame on my boyfriend. He treats me well as far as he does not abuse me in any way, and he is attentive to me. But he is not what I am used to in a man. I am just used to the intellectual type and he is the street type. But he is super social, and gets along well with everyone. He, did not graduate high school, does not want to return to school and cannot really relate to my educational goals. He is super street savvy, has a huge supportive family.

    I have been unsuccessfully trying to change him into a politically correct, intellectual type for the past year. He is so affectionate and attentive and I need that right now. I realize though that it is futile to try to change him. He wants to control his drinking but other than that he is happy with himself and his lifestyle.
    Define abuse. It comes in many forms.

    Leave a comment:


  • calibri~
    replied
    Do you accept him the way he is, drinking and all? are you content to live this way for years together? You cannot force someone to change for you, you can't mold them into what you think is politically correct, but when you love someone and understand their needs, you will bend yourself a little so that the other can be happier, in the hope that they do the same for you. I am slightly worried that you have been trying to change him into someone who he is not, and has no intention of becoming. Perhaps it is just because that is the kind of person you expected to be with, or that others expect, but if hes perfectly happy and coasting along with you taking care of everything, then he will see no reason to change. If you need your partner to be intellectual and PC then you need to part because he will never be what you want him to be, and that's not fair on either of you. If you just need him to be himself, as he already is...then you have a chance.
    Last edited by calibri~; 07-29-2014, 11:22 AM. Reason: typo mania

    Leave a comment:


  • Janessa Sanders
    replied
    Originally posted by calibri~ View Post
    Its' true that you owned up for what had been mishandled, perhaps my initial comments were unnecessary. The only person ho can tell you if your relatinship is worth salvaging is YOU. I hope that you don't feel that people here are just pointing out the worst in you...there is a very supportive community here but if you only give part of the story it is difficult to make appropriate comments.
    Ok so his good points are: He is affectionate, he seems to love you and give you time and attention.
    his downfalls incude: acts and thinks selfishly, he is an alcoholic, he is not able to hold down a job.

    From this I am confused as to whether, in your opinion, he treats you well becasue in an earlier post you said you were upset becasue you dont think that he takes care of you. If you feel that he is on average, not treating you well, then is affection really a good enough reason to keep him in your life?

    The other things that you mentioned are in my mind, not reasons to love someone: ..because you find it difficult to keep friends is not a reason to stay together, and you say you don't want to be hurt by someone elses words or actions but if your boyfriend is not hurting you at the moment, the why are you here? May I ask why you moved away from your family? You are now in an isolated position where you probably feel a bit trapped because you have no-one else to socially rely on, and as you don't want to be alone and dont think youa re good at making and keeping acquaintances then I can see how you have stayed with him despite the problems, love or no love. You need to decide if he is giving enough to the relationship for you to keep financially bailing him out etc, and whether he is capable and / or willing to make changes so that he can offer you what you need from him.
    clear your mind.
    make a list of all the important things that you would look for in a happy relationship.
    then see how many of those things he and your current relationship fulfills.
    Hi I hope that I have found a supportive community because I have never requested advice from strangers like this before, but I was just upset and overwhelmed when I originally posted this thread. I was upset with my situation and my natural inclination probably was to try to pass some blame along to my boyfriend. So I am sure that this came across in my original post. I think that is why everyone wanted to make sure to point out my responsibility, and not put all of the blame on my boyfriend. He treats me well as far as he does not abuse me in any way, and he is attentive to me. But he is not what I am used to in a man. I am just used to the intellectual type and he is the street type. But he is super social, and gets along well with everyone. He, did not graduate high school, does not want to return to school and cannot really relate to my educational goals. He is super street savvy, has a huge supportive family.

    I have been unsuccessfully trying to change him into a politically correct, intellectual type for the past year. He is so affectionate and attentive and I need that right now. I realize though that it is futile to try to change him. He wants to control his drinking but other than that he is happy with himself and his lifestyle.

    Leave a comment:


  • calibri~
    replied
    Its' true that you owned up for what had been mishandled, perhaps my initial comments were unnecessary. The only person ho can tell you if your relatinship is worth salvaging is YOU. I hope that you don't feel that people here are just pointing out the worst in you...there is a very supportive community here but if you only give part of the story it is difficult to make appropriate comments.
    Ok so his good points are: He is affectionate, he seems to love you and give you time and attention.
    his downfalls incude: acts and thinks selfishly, he is an alcoholic, he is not able to hold down a job.

    From this I am confused as to whether, in your opinion, he treats you well becasue in an earlier post you said you were upset becasue you dont think that he takes care of you. If you feel that he is on average, not treating you well, then is affection really a good enough reason to keep him in your life?

    The other things that you mentioned are in my mind, not reasons to love someone: ..because you find it difficult to keep friends is not a reason to stay together, and you say you don't want to be hurt by someone elses words or actions but if your boyfriend is not hurting you at the moment, the why are you here? May I ask why you moved away from your family? You are now in an isolated position where you probably feel a bit trapped because you have no-one else to socially rely on, and as you don't want to be alone and dont think youa re good at making and keeping acquaintances then I can see how you have stayed with him despite the problems, love or no love. You need to decide if he is giving enough to the relationship for you to keep financially bailing him out etc, and whether he is capable and / or willing to make changes so that he can offer you what you need from him.
    clear your mind.
    make a list of all the important things that you would look for in a happy relationship.
    then see how many of those things he and your current relationship fulfills.

    Leave a comment:


  • Claret
    replied
    When I was in my horrible first marriage, I did see a marriage counsellor (one time) and at her suggestion I went to an al-anon meeting. The one thing that sticks in my mind, was the marriage counsellor asked me one question and that was "what did I want out of life". My reply was "peace" in my life. After I said that they said perhaps I could find the peace I needed by attending the Al Anon sessions. When I went to the Al Anon session the driving mantra was that they could teach me how to live with an alcoholic.

    After I thought about this for a while my thought pattern was: "Was I going to find peace living with an alcoholic? Did I want to learn to live with an Alcohol? and finally did I want to learn coping skills so that Me and my children could live with an alcoholic?

    When I put it to myself in such a succinct series of questions, I realized that all the change was on my shoulders. My reply to myself was "I didn't want to live with an alcoholic, I didn't need to learn coping skills that I'd teach to my children and that I'd never find the peace I desired by staying in the relationship.

    You may have to strike out on your own in order to find the life and the peace in your life and to be normal once again.

    Leave a comment:

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