relationships- kid question

[amy40]

Older teenagers can get caught up in serious violence.

it does seem that way

2 boys were fighting in the hallway last week with the one boy punching the kid's neck & saying "I'm going to put you in the hospital"

[MrMr]

Bullies need to be stood up to. It’s sad that kid’s friends never intervene. My kids have done boxing and martial arts since they could walk. Violence is always the last resort but if they don’t learn to stand up for themselves they will let it control their adult life. This is only useful for young kids. Older teenagers can get caught up in serious violence. But a kid that knows how to throw a proper punch will scare most bullies off. Bullies come from difficult and often unloved homes. Schools should really do more to support them

[Kayla Lords]

As others have mentioned, I was both raised with the idea and have raised my kids with the same idea that we don't start fights, but we will finish them. I think it starts with following the procedures the school has in place - making that honest effort is important because sometimes it works, and the lesson can be learned that violence doesn't have to be an answer. But some bullies are truly relentless, and eventually, a person will just snap - how can they not?

I've always warned my kids that their school probably won't be sympathetic (and I might not be able to make those consequences go away), but I will be on their side, as long as they go through the "right" process first. Although, that body cam idea is freaking brilliant, especially if the feedback you're getting from other adults is that "there's nothing they can do without proof" - give it to them if you can.

[Alison H.]

I’m all for peaceful resolutions, but the one thing I always told my kids when they younger was this: If you get into a fight defending yourself, you will not get into any trouble with me. If you start a fight, however, you will. (Basically, don’t be the bully, but take them down when you need to.)

I don’t advocate for fighting, but sometimes we’re left with no choice — whether it’s verbal or physical defense. Like atskitty2 mentioned about the fight on the bus, fighting back is sometimes the only thing that seems to stop it. Once they know the kid will fight back, they back down and give up the pursuit.

(Although I personally love what Wednesday’s friend did with the body cam. That was brilliant and man… sometimes technology is a real wonder.)

The thing is that, depending on the school administration or guidance counselor, stuff isn’t always nipped in the bud the way it should be — in fact, it often isn’t. So the kids are left to fend for themselves in a lot of situations like that, and it really sucks.

[amy40]

thanks for replies Alison, kitty, wednesday

[amy40]

Wow, amy40 teaching them that they can speak up for themselves, and tell them to cut the crap.

thanks for replies

my kid isn't shy at all & has told bully to stop
doing ignore method now

that kid is relentless, however

[atskitty2]

Wow, amy40 I'm really sorry to hear this is happening to your child. I know that a lot has changed in the response to bullying in schools, so I hope this is handled by the proper authorities there.

I have what is probably a very unpopular opinion on this. I was a bullied kid, more than once. I was a quiet, meek, mild-mannered little girl, so it was bound to happen. I was raised to be seen, not heard, and never to hit unless hit first, and even then, walk away if you can. My Christian family taught against fighting or starting trouble, and I was dead-set on being a "good girl". That was my perception of it anyway.

I was in 4-6th grade, not sure, when a girl younger than me began picking on me pretty regularly. Back then, there was nothing done about it. It was my problem to solve. She did it in front of teachers, and in front of our bus driver, and even in front of parents at a ball game. This went on for more than 1 school year, though since we were in different grades, it didn't happen daily.

After quite some time, I finally had had enough. She came at me on the school bus one day, on our way home. She attacked me in my seat and pushed me into the seat/hit me several times. I shoved her off me, back into her seat, and then I proceeded to put a thumping on the little brat. I'll never forget the look on her face when I stepped back. I then marched myself up to the bus driver, to accept my punishment for fighting, because I'd seen him watching me. And again, I'll never forget the look on his face, and his words. He said something like, "Good job! it's about time! you're not in trouble". That day was a turning point in my young life...I never took bullying again.

We all, at some point in life, have to learn to stand up for ourselves. I'm not advocating violence, but when presented with something like this, we have to have a strong response, whether verbal or not. I'm a quiet person, generally, and people still mistake that for being shy, or weak, or something, and as an adult, I've had to confront people trying to take advantage of me. It's a good thing to learn to be assertive at a young age, and this is one way to teach that skill.

My niece faced a bully several years ago. She also is a "good girl" and had a hard time understanding what was happening and why. After many conversations, my brother gave her permission to do whatever she needed to do to defend herself. How she ended up handling it was simply using her voice. She told the girl that she needed to stop, and simply kept telling her to go away and leave her alone. My niece was able to stop the other girl's behavior and started speaking up just as the comments and harassment started, and eventually the girl quit bothering her.

We have to empower our kids to defend themselves against verbal and/or physical attacks. I don't think there's any other way to handle this. Yes, school authorities and parents should be aware, but there's a bigger lesson to be learned here, by the abuser and the victim. We all have to learn to manage conflict in order to be successful in life, as it is always going to be a part of life, in one form or another. It builds confidence, and it's important to reinforce, especially for our young girls, that saying NO! and giving a strong response to certain behaviors is perfectly ok, and absolutely warranted when a person is threatening. Kids need to know they don't have to take abuse or inappropriate behavior, and they can use their own voice if needed.

So, while I know this is an old school way of thinking, I think it's a part of why we have some of the learned helplessness we see in our culture. I think many people grow up with this idea that someone else is always going to solve their problems for them, fight their battles, and make others play nice. That's just not the way it is. I don't know how old your child is, but I'm thinking they're no longer a small, young child, and are old enough to begin to tackle some of these challenges.

So, my suggestion is to talk to your child about their own response to the bully, and teaching them that they can speak up for themselves, and tell them to cut the crap. Assuming they're not doing so already, and if he/she is, build them up and encourage that assertive behavior to continue.
I read some good stuff about bullies awhile back, and bully mentality. It's interesting stuff. Take some time to look at some of the research on bullies, and it may be a big help in guiding you as well.

[Wednesday L.F.]

A friend of mine had this problem, though the bully was a teacher and not a kid. She outfitted her child with a body cam (it was cute and looked like costume jewelry when worn). It didn't take long to catch the bully in the act, and justice was swiftly meted out.
No one should have to suffer bullying at a place they're required to be. I'm so sorry this is happening to your child.

[amy40]

a kid has targeted my kid & others this school year
it's all verbal but daily
we filled out a "bully report" which school took seriously & moved offender across room
however, this person is crafty & continues to target my kid & others

suggestions?