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Am I overanalysing / reading him too much?

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  • Am I overanalysing / reading him too much?

    hello everyone. may i seek some opinion/advice?

    backstory:
    pre covid, i had a good bond with a guy and during meetups, we would actively talk to each other, disturb, tease, joke etc. but we knew there was nothing for each other. it was just a platonic kind of relationship. at that time i was with my ex-husband (who was still a boyfriend during that stage) and the guy was single. however i did notice he was quite touchy but not the perverted kind, just small, innocent touches and brushes. so i just thought he was naturally like that, plus he's also the chatty kind and he could talk to almost anyone. after i got married to my ex-husband, we kinda grew distant due to less meetups and he roughly got the idea that i chose to be distant as i was married already so he stepped back. covid happened shortly after and totally no more meetups until recently.

    current:
    i got divorced, covid happened then just a few days ago, we had a second meetup after a first one in may. so we're both now older, looking slightly different etc. but when we talked, it was all like before; same vibe, same teasing and jokes but we did have a few awkward silent moments. so the thing is, i caught feelings for him after the first meetup. obviously he didn't and i found out he has a girlfriend now. so during the second meetup, of course i didn't tell or show him anything about my feelings. what i think i'm overanalysing is...1) during the second meetup, i couldn't help but notice that he kept looking out for me and glancing at me and i noticed myself doing that too. i mean for me, i get it, because i like him. but for him? why would he do that? so each time our eyes met, we quickly glanced away though we knew our eyes did meet for a short while. the meetup was like in a function room with a lot of people but i noticed and felt his eyes searching for me and when he did find where i was, he would give glances and i'd catch him looking then he'd look away. 2) when we did talk that time, and during the past, i noticed he always tended to lean in closer when i'm pretty sure he did hear what i say. he would ask "sorry?" "what?" and then lean in quite close to my face and body. so i repeated and then he'd answer. so i'm not sure if i'm too short or he's too tall or i'm that soft or the surrounding was that noisy that i couldn't be heard? 3) i've heard about this "eyebrow flash" thing and when i recalled, i know i had so many of those eyebrow flash when i saw him or when we talked. i noticed he did them too when we talked. or is it he just has a habit of raising his brows when he talks, like it's a natural thing for him? 4) whenever he saw i was alone/talking to someone but we're still in each other's sight, and he was busy doing something else, his eyes would keep glancing at me and he would move a lot to try to make me notice him, then he would try and make himself free so he could come to me.

    yup as u can see, am i overanalysing? overthinking? i do like him, a lot, yes... but i will never pursue him because he has a girlfriend; 3 years already, plus we just can't be together. but somehow why would his gestures/body language seem like he could like me? or maybe he just enjoys my company, or he can simply talk to anyone and everyone, or we did have a good bond after all and he's comfortable? or is he just like that? i can't stop thinking about this. like cracking a code. anyway, may i have some advice/opinion?

    thank u and appreciate it...

  • Hello fireelement Welcome to the forum and thank you for your story and backround.

    It sounds to me like both of you guys have always had chemistry and natural attraction to each other -- as to whether or not you both were in a place to date, explore those feelings or whether or not those feelings would lead to anything substantial was a different matter.

    Now that you are single again, and he is not, is there also perhaps somewhat of wanting what you can't have?

    Part of overanalyzing something and paying it that much attention often has to do with wanting what you can't have -- what we don't/can't have, we often obsess about.

    It could also be very simple: he likes you/is attracted to you, and you to him.

    So then what?

    My advice would be to TALK about it.

    There is no other way -- the games, the not knowing, the glances, etc, might be fun and flirtatious, but they aren't productive, aren't fair to you, his girlfriend or him.

    The easiest thing to do?

    Just ask him: "Hey, can we talk?" and then be open, honest and vulnerable -- hopefully if he's as you say, he'll do the same for you, and hold space and tell you his truth as well so you guys can understand what is going on, and if you want to do something about it.

    One thing is for certain -- if he feels really strongly about you, while with someone else, that could be a sign (as was in your case) that he is not with the right person -- even if you guys are not right for each other long term, it at least signals that perhaps, it might be time to move on for him regardless of the outcome or intent with you.

    Good luck, and let us know how it all turns out!

    Comment


    • Originally posted by fireelement View Post
      hello everyone. may i seek some opinion/advice?

      backstory:
      pre covid, i had a good bond with a guy and during meetups, we would actively talk to each other, disturb, tease, joke etc. but we knew there was nothing for each other. it was just a platonic kind of relationship. at that time i was with my ex-husband (who was still a boyfriend during that stage) and the guy was single. however i did notice he was quite touchy but not the perverted kind, just small, innocent touches and brushes. so i just thought he was naturally like that, plus he's also the chatty kind and he could talk to almost anyone. after i got married to my ex-husband, we kinda grew distant due to less meetups and he roughly got the idea that i chose to be distant as i was married already so he stepped back. covid happened shortly after and totally no more meetups until recently.

      current:
      i got divorced, covid happened then just a few days ago, we had a second meetup after a first one in may. so we're both now older, looking slightly different etc. but when we talked, it was all like before; same vibe, same teasing and jokes but we did have a few awkward silent moments. so the thing is, i caught feelings for him after the first meetup. obviously he didn't and i found out he has a girlfriend now. so during the second meetup, of course i didn't tell or show him anything about my feelings. what i think i'm overanalysing is...1) during the second meetup, i couldn't help but notice that he kept looking out for me and glancing at me and i noticed myself doing that too. i mean for me, i get it, because i like him. but for him? why would he do that? so each time our eyes met, we quickly glanced away though we knew our eyes did meet for a short while. the meetup was like in a function room with a lot of people but i noticed and felt his eyes searching for me and when he did find where i was, he would give glances and i'd catch him looking then he'd look away. 2) when we did talk that time, and during the past, i noticed he always tended to lean in closer when i'm pretty sure he did hear what i say. he would ask "sorry?" "what?" and then lean in quite close to my face and body. so i repeated and then he'd answer. so i'm not sure if i'm too short or he's too tall or i'm that soft or the surrounding was that noisy that i couldn't be heard? 3) i've heard about this "eyebrow flash" thing and when i recalled, i know i had so many of those eyebrow flash when i saw him or when we talked. i noticed he did them too when we talked. or is it he just has a habit of raising his brows when he talks, like it's a natural thing for him? 4) whenever he saw i was alone/talking to someone but we're still in each other's sight, and he was busy doing something else, his eyes would keep glancing at me and he would move a lot to try to make me notice him, then he would try and make himself free so he could come to me.

      yup as u can see, am i overanalysing? overthinking? i do like him, a lot, yes... but i will never pursue him because he has a girlfriend; 3 years already, plus we just can't be together. but somehow why would his gestures/body language seem like he could like me? or maybe he just enjoys my company, or he can simply talk to anyone and everyone, or we did have a good bond after all and he's comfortable? or is he just like that? i can't stop thinking about this. like cracking a code. anyway, may i have some advice/opinion?

      thank u and appreciate it...
      Very interesting and welcome to the forum.

      In general I take a rather conservative approach to many things but I have been willing to go all in on matters of the heart. I think that he is ready to go all in with you but is taking a cautious approach to find out whether you feel the same. The silent moments are probably because both are considering where to go next. One of the things to be cautious about is if you two will fit together for a long lasting relationship. Love can be blinding. Were there any negatives about him when you first got together, especially negatives that could grow with time or things that you may no longer tolerate after a while? Will the fire burn too hot and either burn itself out or destroy everything nearby? A question that can be answered at sometime is "is he really serious about his current girlfriend?" I would think not so much or he wouldn't be flirting with you, he would get away from you so he wouldn't start something that could get out of control.
      I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
      ...
      Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

      From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

      Comment


      • Originally posted by fireelement View Post
        hello everyone. may i seek some opinion/advice?

        backstory:
        pre covid, i had a good bond with a guy and during meetups, we would actively talk to each other, disturb, tease, joke etc. but we knew there was nothing for each other. it was just a platonic kind of relationship. at that time i was with my ex-husband (who was still a boyfriend during that stage) and the guy was single. however i did notice he was quite touchy but not the perverted kind, just small, innocent touches and brushes. so i just thought he was naturally like that, plus he's also the chatty kind and he could talk to almost anyone. after i got married to my ex-husband, we kinda grew distant due to less meetups and he roughly got the idea that i chose to be distant as i was married already so he stepped back. covid happened shortly after and totally no more meetups until recently.

        current:
        i got divorced, covid happened then just a few days ago, we had a second meetup after a first one in may. so we're both now older, looking slightly different etc. but when we talked, it was all like before; same vibe, same teasing and jokes but we did have a few awkward silent moments. so the thing is, i caught feelings for him after the first meetup. obviously he didn't and i found out he has a girlfriend now. so during the second meetup, of course i didn't tell or show him anything about my feelings. what i think i'm overanalysing is...1) during the second meetup, i couldn't help but notice that he kept looking out for me and glancing at me and i noticed myself doing that too. i mean for me, i get it, because i like him. but for him? why would he do that? so each time our eyes met, we quickly glanced away though we knew our eyes did meet for a short while. the meetup was like in a function room with a lot of people but i noticed and felt his eyes searching for me and when he did find where i was, he would give glances and i'd catch him looking then he'd look away. 2) when we did talk that time, and during the past, i noticed he always tended to lean in closer when i'm pretty sure he did hear what i say. he would ask "sorry?" "what?" and then lean in quite close to my face and body. so i repeated and then he'd answer. so i'm not sure if i'm too short or he's too tall or i'm that soft or the surrounding was that noisy that i couldn't be heard? 3) i've heard about this "eyebrow flash" thing and when i recalled, i know i had so many of those eyebrow flash when i saw him or when we talked. i noticed he did them too when we talked. or is it he just has a habit of raising his brows when he talks, like it's a natural thing for him? 4) whenever he saw i was alone/talking to someone but we're still in each other's sight, and he was busy doing something else, his eyes would keep glancing at me and he would move a lot to try to make me notice him, then he would try and make himself free so he could come to me.

        yup as u can see, am i overanalysing? overthinking? i do like him, a lot, yes... but i will never pursue him because he has a girlfriend; 3 years already, plus we just can't be together. but somehow why would his gestures/body language seem like he could like me? or maybe he just enjoys my company, or he can simply talk to anyone and everyone, or we did have a good bond after all and he's comfortable? or is he just like that? i can't stop thinking about this. like cracking a code. anyway, may i have some advice/opinion?

        thank u and appreciate it...
        Hello and welcome to the forum!

        Everything you said seems like the "right person, wrong time" situation happened for both of you.

        I agree with what Jonny just said; sometimes, we as humans are looking for ways to have something we can't have and tend to overanalyze every little detail along the way, and that is normal!

        The best way for you to get out of all the overanalyzing/overreading dilemma would be to talk it out with the other person. What if he likes you back as well? And what if he does not?

        It never hurts to ask.

        That way, you would know for sure as well, and the sooner you figure that out, the better it would be for everyone involved.

        Best of luck!

        Comment


        • I don’t think you’re overanalyzing or trying to read him too much. I think, instead, that you’re focusing on what might have been had you not stayed with the man who became your ex-husband and chosen this one instead.

          We look back at the past with a much clearer lens than we do when an uncertain future is before us.

          That said, the behavior you describe (his facial expressions, the way he looks at you and then looks away), is pretty indicative of him — if he isn’t wrestling with those feelings as well — at least wondering what might have been…and is it too late.

          Aside from watching the way he talks to others to compare his behavior/expressions to when he talks to you, it’s hard to say if some of that is just his natural way of conversing with someone. (Being touchy, leaning, raising eyebrows, etc.)

          I hate to use the phrase “Well, just because he has a girlfriend, doesn’t mean he isn’t looking…” but she IS a girlfriend and not a wife. You have no idea what that relationship is truly like — for all you know, they’re near the end of the relationship. Or, he could be devoted to her and the relationship is rock-strong.

          There is no way to know without talking to him.

          Even saying something as simple as, “Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I’d never married X, and dated you instead. I think I missed out…” can open the door to that conversation gently.

          The one thing to note, though, is that talking to him about your feelings could backfire, in that you hear something you don’t want to hear — such as he’s planning to marry his girlfriend or that he doesn’t have feelings for you.

          (Given how you describe him, it seems like he does, but you have to be prepared for that possibility.)

          Either way, though, it’ll give you what you need to know to move on — whether it’s WITH him or without him.

          Comment


          • JonnyR jns Alison H. *Mo

            thank u for welcoming me I would also like to thank all of u for taking the time to read my lengthy post and especially for giving ur deep insight on the matter.

            as what was pointed out, perhaps we did always have chemistry and some natural attraction. i'm not sure myself either.

            but one thing i can agree with is that, yes, maybe now that i'm single again, i'm hoping, thinking of and imagining what i can't have/wish i did have? there's just so many emotions and thoughts going on in my head that everything and anything could be possible/impossible.

            it also does sound that it could be like the "right person, wrong time" concept; back then i was the one in a relationship but he wasn't then now it's his turn to be in one and i'm back to being single. i have to admit i did think of this too where i think "what if i didn't marry my ex husband, what if i did pursue him instead, etc."

            the last 2 meetups this year since 3 years ago, plus me catching feelings for him, have honestly made me analyse every bit of his move, expression, words etc and i do hate it. i want it to stop but it's happening. because i'd never know that at the end of the day, he may not even like me.

            i feel that even that now he has a girlfriend, yes, we're all humans, and we tend to enjoy other people along the way so okay, maybe he does enjoy his time with me, as a company, and nothing more.

            however, as u all said, the best is to talk to him. so i'm going to have to prepare myself, be vulnerable, be ready to be disappointed in case i hear things i know will hurt me. if he does like me, i'd have to put his girlfriend first; i don't want to be the 3rd party, and i'll back off. and if he doesn't like me but now he would know i like him (that's if i do say it to him), then so be it. it's out of my chest at least, we cleared the air and we're both going to just move on with our normal lives, though it sure is gonna be more awkward now.

            so thank u so much for all ur advices! i love u all for really opening up my eyes and making me think deeper. i know this is so simple but u helped to make my path clearer.

            Comment


            • I’m glad we could help and you’re more than welcome — that’s what we’re here for.

              When you mentioned the “right person, wrong time” concept, it reminded me of something my cousin told me a few years back. I had been writing an article on soulmates and “interviewed” her about finding hers, basically, but her situation was VERY similar in that regard.

              The man she eventually got together with “forever,” they had been circling each other like that since middle school. As adults, one or the other was always with someone else or too freshly out of a relationship, or the timing was just never right… for years.

              And then eventually, it was.

              Come to think of it, my relationship with my husband was that way too. Life got in the way after the first time we met/knew each other; it wasn’t until a couple of years later that we crossed paths again, and then it happened.

              And it was like no time had passed in between.

              It’s hard to be vulnerable in those situations, though, because you just never know how it’s going to go where someone else’s feelings are concerned. The good news is that no matter what happens, you’ll have an answer — and that’s something you can work with.

              But from what you describe, I think your odds are pretty good that he’s feeling something…!

              Keep us posted on how it goes, once you do — we’re in your corner and hoping for the best.

              Comment


              • Originally posted by fireelement View Post
                JonnyR jns Alison H. *Mo

                thank u for welcoming me I would also like to thank all of u for taking the time to read my lengthy post and especially for giving ur deep insight on the matter.

                as what was pointed out, perhaps we did always have chemistry and some natural attraction. i'm not sure myself either.

                but one thing i can agree with is that, yes, maybe now that i'm single again, i'm hoping, thinking of and imagining what i can't have/wish i did have? there's just so many emotions and thoughts going on in my head that everything and anything could be possible/impossible.

                it also does sound that it could be like the "right person, wrong time" concept; back then i was the one in a relationship but he wasn't then now it's his turn to be in one and i'm back to being single. i have to admit i did think of this too where i think "what if i didn't marry my ex husband, what if i did pursue him instead, etc."

                the last 2 meetups this year since 3 years ago, plus me catching feelings for him, have honestly made me analyse every bit of his move, expression, words etc and i do hate it. i want it to stop but it's happening. because i'd never know that at the end of the day, he may not even like me.

                i feel that even that now he has a girlfriend, yes, we're all humans, and we tend to enjoy other people along the way so okay, maybe he does enjoy his time with me, as a company, and nothing more.

                however, as u all said, the best is to talk to him. so i'm going to have to prepare myself, be vulnerable, be ready to be disappointed in case i hear things i know will hurt me. if he does like me, i'd have to put his girlfriend first; i don't want to be the 3rd party, and i'll back off. and if he doesn't like me but now he would know i like him (that's if i do say it to him), then so be it. it's out of my chest at least, we cleared the air and we're both going to just move on with our normal lives, though it sure is gonna be more awkward now.

                so thank u so much for all ur advices! i love u all for really opening up my eyes and making me think deeper. i know this is so simple but u helped to make my path clearer.

                No worries.

                I'm glad we could be of help to you, and that is exactly what this forum is about, which is; helping people out in the best way possible.

                Best of luck!

                Comment


                • Hey there! So glad you chose our forum to share your story and seek feedback.
                  I know I'm late to the party here, but I do have another perspective to throw into the ring.
                  This is a much more negative side of the coin, but it is another interpretation of his actions, and another reason to have that discussion and try to determine his intent.

                  Some people are very good at recognizing vulnerability or interest, and then cultivating that in another person for no other reason than to feed their own ego. Many people know just what body language to put out there, how to behave and flirt in such a way to encourage the interest of others, even though they have no real interest in them at all. I've had this happen to me, and my girlfriends have to. They know just how to play themselves, and when we're vulnerable, we tend to latch onto that and believe what we see. They know just how to look at us, and just how to position themselves and just the tone of voice to use to invoke an emotional response.

                  So, yeah, I hate to be the downer here, but until you really talk to him, try to keep your emotions in check, and control that obsessive tendency to analyze each of his actions, expressions and words. It could very well be that he's genuine, and is hoping that you share his interest, but there could be other reasons for his behavior.

                  I hope this isn't the case, and I mention it only to provide another possibility for you to keep in mind. I wish you all the best.

                  Comment


                  • atskitty2 hello there, thank u so much for ur insight. no worries, i do understand where u're coming from. so far since the post, we haven't met so i'm not sure yet how things are, and i've put him at the back of my head. once in a while i do think of him but to keep myself safe, and also everything safe, i should just talk to him about this, and as u said, maybe he could be just playing around. i'll see how. thanks a lot!

                    Comment

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