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I think my fiancé is addicted to porn and he won't admit it

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  • I think my fiancé is addicted to porn and he won't admit it

    I know I'm young and don't know a lot about life or being married, but I do know that marriage is supposed to be about trust and loyalty to one another. I'm only 21 and my fiancé is 22, so I know age or lack of energy to have sex is not the problem. I first noticed he would watch porn when we first started dating ,and for some reason or another or maybe my lack of trust due to past relationships, i looked through his web history. I told his straight out that I didn't like it and I wanted him to stop, and he said okay that he would. But as months go by, he just can't seem to stop despite all the numerous times I've asked him to stop. He knows it bothers me, I cry for hours when I find out he's been watching porn and lies to me about it. I've read so much about it, I know the situation won't get better unless he admits he has a problem which he won't, and I'm just honestly so confused and hurt right now. I recently found out I'm expecting a little before thanksgiving. I thought that would change things. It's something we've talked about and something we both wanted. But thanksgiving I walk into the restroom to brush my teeth while he's in there and I can't him looking at naked pictures of girls. There's been now four other occasions in which I catch him looking at these websites and it just seems like it's getting worse with everyday that my belly is growing. I even went to the extremes of putting an app that reports every website he goes on but even then he found a way around it. He knows it hurts my feelings, it brings down my self esteem so why does he do it. I have a daughter already so I know I don't look like the girls he fantasizes about and I know he has a thing for big boobs and I've even considered getting surgery because I'm so self conscious about myself. But I know this is wrong, I shouldn't have to feel this way. I know I'm not ugly, I was a size 0 before I started gaining baby weight, so I know there's no need for him to be fantasizing about other girls. I've asked him repeatedly to admit he has a problem so we could get him help but he won't. I've cried to him so many times about how this makes me feel and it just seems like he doesn't care or even love me because if he did, he would change his ways for me. I've even asked him to leave me if I'm not what he wants instead of going behind my back and hurting me. I've read so much about this in just the past few weeks because I honestly just don't know what to do anymore. I know it's not as bad as the situations other women are in, but still, there's shouldn't be any kind of "situation" at all. We're starting a family together and I would hate for this to end on something as meaningless and stupid as this. But how can I trust someone who lies about not watching it and even goes as far as accusing me as the person who planted those websites on his history. How do I sea with this situation? What should I do? Please someone just help me.

  • Does he turn you down for sex and use porn instead, or does he only watch porn when you are not available for sex?

    You will see a wide range of opinions on porn here. I think everyone will agree that someone who watches porn instead of being intimate with their partner has a serious problem.

    Most people fantasize and masturbate - even when they have partners. It is not unusual for men to use porn for this. That doesn't mean that you need to accept it - it is up to you what you will accept in your relationship, but it isn't particularly unusual.

    Other than the porn issue, is your sex life good for both of you?

    Comment


    • Your situation sounds awful. I hate to be the cynical commenter but I would dump him ASAP. I understand that might be hard to do because you need to financially support your daughter and new baby, but if theres a way you can get out of this relationship safely, I think you should do it. There are men out there who 1. Don't have porn addictions, 2. Respect you, 3. Don't need to be told to respect you. Seriously I've dealt with men worse than this and experience has taught me that this dude isn't going to change. You might think that in some ways the porn problem is "meaningless and stupid," but it isn't. He isn't showing any respect for you and he wont start anytime soon. And it clearly is tearing you apart - it would tear me apart!! You don't have to live like this! You deserve to be happy and trust the man you're with. Some might think I'm an extremist because I have ZERO tolerance for bull******** from men, but once I decided that I didn't deserve to tolerate any disrespect whatsoever ... the right man fell into my lap.

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      • I agree largely with rcoreyus here. I am not sure you are dealing with an addiction just yet-what you describe leaves that open (to me).
        Bottom line here as far as I'm concerned, is that you both have very different views on this, and it doesn't seem like there's much meaningful communication going on.
        I am bothered that he said he'd stop, and didn't. He probably never had intended to.
        Your emotions are so high that you probably aren't thinking completely clearly and communicating anything but those emotions. Crying and all those demonstrated emotions can be hard for some men to see.

        Try keeping the discussion fact-based, logical and TALK about your thoughts and feelings without being wrecked by them (if you are). Remember there is nothing "wrong" with your point of view, but there also may be nothing "wrong" with his. You just see this differently.

        Please realize, I am not suggesting you change your perspective or weaken your conviction on the matter. Communication and understanding on both sides may help this become a workable disagreement rather than destroying your marriage.

        Comment


        • ****can be hard for some men to see past****

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          • It is quite likely that his watching porn doesn't have anything to do with you, that he doesn't find you inadequate in any way, porn is just a masturbation aid like a vibrator. Many men are embarrassed by their use of porn so I'm not surprised he lied about stopping.

            I completley agree with atskitty2 - think and discuss this calmly. Don't get into the situation where you are "insisting" that he stop watching porn and he feels that you have no right to force him to do so. This sort of thing can escalate into a disaster. If after calmly discussing and thinking about it, you decide you don't want to be with someone who watches porn, that is fine.

            Comment


            • Like alcohol and drug addiction, this is form of self-medicating that people use to deal with life. Unfortunately, it often becomes a coping mechanism that interferes with life rather than helping manage it.

              From your experience and research you know that he has a serious problem with porn. He is putting his relationship at risk to get is "fix." There's a good chance he is putting his education and/or job in peril as well by using at work and/or wasting time.

              The stress of a new child is likely going to increase his usage.

              That he knows about the website tracking software and your feelings about his usage yet persists suggests he's really hooked.

              Addicts often resort to manipulation when caught by blaming others, denial and rationalizing.

              While many people have no moral objection to porn (like pot or drinking), I think everyone here would agree that overuse, dependence and addiction to any of them is likely to be a disaster for the user and their family.

              I would suggest you seek out a group like Al-anon that help those around addicts deal with the issue even if the addict won't. From there you will see what you can expect should you decide to stay with him.

              Good luck

              Comment


              • There are lots of threads here on porn - clearly people have widely differing opinions. Maybe they the can be stated as either:

                1: He knows that porn seriously bothers you and the fact that he refuses to give it up means that either he doesn't care about you or he is addicted.

                or

                2: He has a right to use porn as a masturbation aid when you are not available for sex, and it isn't reasonable for you to ask him to stop.


                In either case, I expect he will keep watching. You need to decide if you can be happy with someone who watches porn, or if you want to leave.

                Comment


                • Thank you everyone for the feedback. I'm just confused right now and I feel like if I react on my emotions, I'll end up making the wrong decision. The last time he watched it "supposedly" was the last time I caught him which was New Years, but if he's lied to me numerous times before, how am I supposed to believe that was the last time he actually watched it. The damage is already done, I don't trust him. I feel as if he's always looking for ways to look at other girls either naked or half naked. Silly as it sounds, we haves netflix account for our daughter, and I look at some of the recent movies watched and all of them have half naked girls as the covers. Why would he choose these movies out of all the other hundreds available to watch? It's not fair to me that I have to love this way, not trusting the person you love is seriously the most painful, horrible thing to have to love with everyday. If it isn't his phone history I'm checking than it's the history on our tv internet, and it shouldn't have to be this way. I was perfectly trusting of him before I knew the extent of his problem. Now I just feel hurt, disgusted, and I have no desire to have sex with him as I feel he compares me to these girls he masturbates to and I even go to the extent of thinking that he's thinking about all these girls whenever he closes his eyes when we're being intimate. I love my fiancé but living like this is just eating me up inside.

                  Comment


                  • Is there any evidence he has been cheating with other women, or is he just looking at pictures / movies?

                    I suspect your choices are to accept that he watches porn, or to leave. I don't think you will be able to convince him to really stop - and if he enjoys it so much he would just resent that anyway.

                    "right" and "wrong" really don't matter here. You can "blame" him completely if you want, and many people would agree with you, but it doesn't change anything .He is apparently content with he situation as it is. You have the choice to leave if you want, and can do so with a clear conscience.

                    Comment


                    • It's such a hot topic.

                      Anyone with any addiction hides behind it, "I'm not addicted" ..

                      I know you don't want to hear this part but low self esteem also gives us a sense of false security where other women are concerned. Let's face it they / we are everywhere. We dress up, down, shirt skirts, low tops, classy, un-classy, what ever we desire and in that, men look. Pending on their "type". How far do we go with feeling in-secure? Especially, if he speaks to a girl that is attractive and he smiles or the new girl at work.

                      Lying is different. When someone lies, there is no trust how do you get over that?

                      It's important to point it out, to be fair to see facts from fiction to be confident and to know that inner knowledge of "try it and seeya" no matter what you think love is.. often it's a mask of "wanting to be in love".

                      Point I am trying to make is this. I agree lying is wrong, my worse pet peeve. I need to trust. But, I've been around porn in relationships, I got the understanding that men are men, to experience dark, blonde, short, tall, what ever without "cheating" on their other half, just an interest coupled with not enough sex, or no sex and then it's hard to break, because it's quick, easy and to a flavour so to speak.

                      Where porn perhaps is non-acceptable "to me" is when the relationship is strong, loving and real there should be no reason if there is an understanding, compromise of sexual relations that it is not just horny sex or intimate but sometimes a bit "different" that goes for both sides.

                      I don't think it ever works totally. It would be like those "two" people together have to be so instinct with each other sexually but it can work well.
                      PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

                      Comment


                      • Originally posted by Hurtwifee View Post
                        I thought that would change things.
                        When people have problems like this the change has to come from the inside.

                        It's always interesting for me to read the women who are dealing with this, since I dealt with it from the other side. I was the husband sneaking around looking at pornography. When my wife found out she flipped. I was surprised at how adverse her reaction was. I had never seen her like that before.

                        In my mind, pornography and my marriage were two separate things. But it was actually the sexual relationship (or the lack of one) in my marriage that drove me to pornography. My wife and I were both very busy, but her even more so. We were both working full time and she was in school getting her masters. So, she was exhausted and didn't have much time or energy for me. I understood that, but had gotten married largely to have a healthy sex life. I figured pornography and masturbation could fill the gap until things got on track. I didn't think that this was betraying her or my vow. Maybe it was bending things a little, but so was the lack of sex.

                        My views are very different now. That time was different, too. I had one VHS video tape that I was watching. Already, pornography was available on the internet, but it wasn't like it is now. I hadn't grown up in a time where it was so free and available in so many varieties. If I wanted a real sexually exciting experience, I had to turn to my woman. I never viewed it as a normal part of human sexuality like some in our culture do now, so it was easier for me to let it go. I viewed it more like the weed I smoked - something taboo and exciting that gave me a good feeling and that I used like a crutch to pass the time and let go of my problems. My faith eventually replaced that. It probably saved my marriage too.

                        Incidentally, part of my shock at my wife's reaction was because we had both watched pornography together when we were dating. She imagined that things had changed too. Your statement about thinking that things would change is what triggered that experience.

                        I don't know if that helps or not. There's another thread running concurrent to yours about a similar issue here: https://www.womens-health.com/boards...rned-help.html Besides that there are a lot of other threads of women dealing with problems feeling intimacy or experiencing it with a man abusing pornography all over this site. Use the search feature and you'll see them all over the place. It's a big issue that we face as a society - largely because people don't even recognize it as a problem. The other thing is that with drugs or alcohol abuse, there is often a more noticeable effect because the person can't hold down a job or is impaired. It's a lot harder to hide so loved ones don't have much choice but to address it. This is more private, so often only the mate knows. But here you can learn and see others' experiences and commiserate a little. There's strength in that.

                        Welcome!
                        "Those sowing seed with tears
                        Will reap with a joyful shout." - Psalm 126

                        Comment


                        • I actually went through something similar with my husband a while ago. We actually went to counselling to work through the issues. He would constantly lie about watching porn, and I would catch him is several ways. He's not tech savvy, so I was always able to find things out. What it came down to was my own insecurity about him getting off to someone else. In reality, it's a visual aid for masturbation and usually nothing else. I think it was the fact that he was lying that hurt more than the porn itself. You and your husband need to be honest with each other, and understand why each of you feels the way you do. If it is something you just cannot live with, then you can cross that bridge then.

                          Also, I just want to share this because it resonated with me. I was watching Louis C.K. on TV the other night and he was talking about how he loves Scarlett Johansen so much that "he won't even jerk off to her." It made me see that men don't actually want the women in porn, they are objectifying them. Your man is probably the same way. He loves and respects you (although he needs to understand that respect requires honesty, and the lying has to stop). He is probably keeping things from you to spare your feelings. This is how it turned out for me, and after some time I am completely over it. As long as he's not doing this while I'm home, and I'm his first choice, I've got no issue. Don't write off counselling as an option, it can do wonders to help you two understand each others' positions.
                          Last edited by AllyKat420; 02-11-2014, 07:28 AM.

                          Comment


                          • Originally posted by AllyKat
                            Also, I just want to share this because it resonated with me. I was watching Louis C.K. on TV the other night and he was talking about how he loves Scarlett Johansen so much that "he won't even jerk off to her." It made me see that men don't actually want the women in porn, they are objectifying them. Your man is probably the same way. He loves and respects you (although he needs to understand that respect requires honesty, and the lying has to stop). He is probably keeping things from you to spare your feelings. This is how it turned out for me, and after some time I am completely over it. As long as he's not doing this while I'm home, and I'm his first choice, I've got no issue. Don't write off counselling as an option, it can do wonders to help you two understand each others' positions.
                            That's actually a really interesting observation, and I think there's a lot of truth there. It does seem a little cloudy tho in application ....for example the BF masturbates to me a lot (it's sometimes part of sex play games, sometimes just because I'm not there and he's horny for me, etc.), and those times are definitely 'love-based,' but I definitely see the point about the impersonal nature of porn masturbation just to satisfy a physical need and that you wouldn't do it within that context for someone you have tangible feelings for and an association with. (In other words, you might say that the BF masturbates to me because he loves me, he's not using me as a vessel to simply get off.) I guess the distinction then would be that masturbation itself is not what is sexually utilitarian, but the porn part.
                            [FONT=Trebuchet MS][COLOR="#800080"][B][SIZE=4]Woman trapped inside a woman's body![/SIZE][/COLOR][/B][/FONT]

                            Comment


                            • my husband has a sex addiction and so i knew as soon as i was his gf/wife that i had to make myself available or he might go to other things like porn or affairs. he got fired from a job for masterbaring at the job (before i met him). so we have arrangements like i go to his work at lunch to be in his locked office. and at home i wear his favourite things. so just do things so he has no reason to do anything dangerous etc

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